ListeN to the RiaN
I'm TRYING to write a paper for school(the story of my life) only I can't concentrate because the boy who lives downstairs has been playing reminiscent 90's rock ballads since 9 o'clock this morning. If he wasn't russian I would kick his ass.
Let me just sum up my life in the next few sentences and save you all the drama:
Trying to do the work full time/ go to school full time thing
singing at church
dating a guy named billy
can't reciprocate his affection.
Feeling kind of guilty about the whole thing.
I'm tired.
I wake up at 4:30 for work... walk 2.5 miles... to arrive at 6am
where I set up a bakery and serve rich frech jews their coffee until 3.
I'm tired.
Then I try and catch a bus home, carrying my groceries and looking like hell.
Feeling even worse.
I dislocated my jaw (both sides)... lets give the dentist credit for that
so I have severe headaches 24 hours a day
and it hurts to open my eyes
I need to have surgery and have no health insurance.
I can't keep up with school
I sleep... but only between 2 and 4:30am
I'm tired.
I'm tired
I'm tired.
But I'm learning about life
and I'm learning how far I'm willing to push myself
and how much I'm willing to sacrifice
to achieve this goal we'll call 'success'
It's up to me, essentially, how I will measure it...
how i will define it... and how much of myself I will give to it's cause
I'm learning about love
and I'm learning how far I am willing to go
and how I am willing to sacrifice
to find myself in it's mysterious embrace
It's up to me, quintessentially, how much of man's attention
i will accept... as love.
and how much of my life... i will give benevolently to it.
I am learning about truth... and how it's existence
will always be objective... even though it's pretense
be littered with the subjectivity of experience and perception.
I am learning about beauty... and how man's eyes will always be
attached to man's mind... but his heart he reserves for the things
he respects.
I'm learning about learning. And what I must do to overcome the difficulties
that I have. I am smart... but this is not, nor has it ever been, enough.
I am learning to overcome dysfuctional thought and emotional patterns that have
caused and so become the cause of years of perfectionism...
This is the cycle.
Your world is chaos.
you establish internal order
Life defies this order so you use denial
and other defense tactics to re-enforce your infrastructure.
and notions that you are in control.
Life pushes your boundaries further and further
until denial does not work
so you switch to drugs
but drugs bother your conscience
so you try to make up for your sin when your sober
by living to please
(a co-dependent tendency that never got anyone anywhere
except maybe a mental institution)
So you find a light inside of sound
and the light promises to bring you truth
so you become a musician
Truth brings clarity into the darkened places of thought
and good cousel dispels the confusion
you are almost free from perfectionism because you've finally
gained the maturity to handle the world of chaos you were born into
and your internal sense of order can be built on faith and not denial
but the same seed that gave birth the faith, can become corrupted
in the presence of doubt... back into fear
so now... you have the same situation... only you are even more overwhelmed
by your inability to survive... live... thrive... and be loved.
so you revert back to perfectionism and it's thrills
because it brings you comfort
it's what you've always known
and what you've always done.
The only areas you don't strive to perfect
are those you are rebelling against
the truth is all control, like time, is an illusion
chaos...drugs... music... liberation... freedom... faith... fear... perfectionism
THis is the cycle of my life
So what's the point?
I know how to be dysfunctional... but I am learning, everyday
how to have functional thought patterns
by rejecting the old emotional responses to certain familiar stimuli
by rejecting rejection
All of life boils down to 2 questions
Who am I... and Why am I Here?
My advice... disassociate from anyone answers these questions wrong
be your own advocate
Stand up for yourself
My plans for this week entail breaking up with my boyfriend
quitting my job and putting my phone on silent
so I can focus on writing music... and reading foreign poetry
while drinking my favorite romanian wine
Who says you can have it your way?
Let me just sum up my life in the next few sentences and save you all the drama:
Trying to do the work full time/ go to school full time thing
singing at church
dating a guy named billy
can't reciprocate his affection.
Feeling kind of guilty about the whole thing.
I'm tired.
I wake up at 4:30 for work... walk 2.5 miles... to arrive at 6am
where I set up a bakery and serve rich frech jews their coffee until 3.
I'm tired.
Then I try and catch a bus home, carrying my groceries and looking like hell.
Feeling even worse.
I dislocated my jaw (both sides)... lets give the dentist credit for that
so I have severe headaches 24 hours a day
and it hurts to open my eyes
I need to have surgery and have no health insurance.
I can't keep up with school
I sleep... but only between 2 and 4:30am
I'm tired.
I'm tired
I'm tired.
But I'm learning about life
and I'm learning how far I'm willing to push myself
and how much I'm willing to sacrifice
to achieve this goal we'll call 'success'
It's up to me, essentially, how I will measure it...
how i will define it... and how much of myself I will give to it's cause
I'm learning about love
and I'm learning how far I am willing to go
and how I am willing to sacrifice
to find myself in it's mysterious embrace
It's up to me, quintessentially, how much of man's attention
i will accept... as love.
and how much of my life... i will give benevolently to it.
I am learning about truth... and how it's existence
will always be objective... even though it's pretense
be littered with the subjectivity of experience and perception.
I am learning about beauty... and how man's eyes will always be
attached to man's mind... but his heart he reserves for the things
he respects.
I'm learning about learning. And what I must do to overcome the difficulties
that I have. I am smart... but this is not, nor has it ever been, enough.
I am learning to overcome dysfuctional thought and emotional patterns that have
caused and so become the cause of years of perfectionism...
This is the cycle.
Your world is chaos.
you establish internal order
Life defies this order so you use denial
and other defense tactics to re-enforce your infrastructure.
and notions that you are in control.
Life pushes your boundaries further and further
until denial does not work
so you switch to drugs
but drugs bother your conscience
so you try to make up for your sin when your sober
by living to please
(a co-dependent tendency that never got anyone anywhere
except maybe a mental institution)
So you find a light inside of sound
and the light promises to bring you truth
so you become a musician
Truth brings clarity into the darkened places of thought
and good cousel dispels the confusion
you are almost free from perfectionism because you've finally
gained the maturity to handle the world of chaos you were born into
and your internal sense of order can be built on faith and not denial
but the same seed that gave birth the faith, can become corrupted
in the presence of doubt... back into fear
so now... you have the same situation... only you are even more overwhelmed
by your inability to survive... live... thrive... and be loved.
so you revert back to perfectionism and it's thrills
because it brings you comfort
it's what you've always known
and what you've always done.
The only areas you don't strive to perfect
are those you are rebelling against
the truth is all control, like time, is an illusion
chaos...drugs... music... liberation... freedom... faith... fear... perfectionism
THis is the cycle of my life
So what's the point?
I know how to be dysfunctional... but I am learning, everyday
how to have functional thought patterns
by rejecting the old emotional responses to certain familiar stimuli
by rejecting rejection
All of life boils down to 2 questions
Who am I... and Why am I Here?
My advice... disassociate from anyone answers these questions wrong
be your own advocate
Stand up for yourself
My plans for this week entail breaking up with my boyfriend
quitting my job and putting my phone on silent
so I can focus on writing music... and reading foreign poetry
while drinking my favorite romanian wine
Who says you can have it your way?