times like these.......
lately ive been feeling pretty down in the dumps. i dont know why? well. i do but.... i donno. it just hit me the other day. and as the days pass it gets worse and worse. its not just one major thing, but an accompilation of many tiny things that just piled up and are now overwhelming me to this very second.
Ive just had the feeling of me trying to find myself. i mean...... who am i? what do i want out of life? where is my life going? everyone feels the way i am at least once a week or so. but for me. i donno. ive never really had this feeling about me before.
I just feel like im fucking up and everyone around me knows it, but they can do nothing but sit back and watch me go down in flames.
I got word on my knee situation. i came down with a really bad case of tendonitis. i mean. doesnt sound to harsh, but theres a clickin in my knee that keeps getting worse day by day and the doc says that its not good at all. so i have to go in for more mri's. I really miss playing baseball. it used to be my only way of just letting all of lifes troubles disappear for those few hours that i was out there on that field. nothing really mattered anymore once i stepped inbetween those two whit chalk lines.
now.......my only refuge from this nightmare i live in is drugs. i know. what a shitty and weak way out of things. but. for me. as of late. its all i can think of.
I think the thing i want most rite now. or i should say desire the most is just a good companion. someone i can talk to whenever or where ever. someone that can put forth the amount of love that i know i can. i basically want a best friend. i donno. thats asking for a little to much these days. i mean. i have my best friend derek. but im talking. female. i want someone that can understand me. you know, someone who loves to just hold hands and sit ont a park bench and watch the sunset, someone i can talk to about all my troubles and just have that one special shoulder to cry on from time to time........yea. i want someone to love.
who am i kidding tho? nothings gonna change overnight. i want my life back.
I was looking back on old pictures from high school. if u put them next to the face i have to live with now a days then u would agree that there lie two different people. i dont even resemble anything close to what i was back then. its a tale of two opposites. i like the old me. the shy, innocent, loving me. Now im just a rigid, torn, lost me. is there anyone out there that can help me find my way.?
i dont really know what the point of this entry is. i really dont know if anyone will even read this. or for the most part even CARE. i donno. i just had to let things out. none of this really makes any sense. but yea.
Ive just had the feeling of me trying to find myself. i mean...... who am i? what do i want out of life? where is my life going? everyone feels the way i am at least once a week or so. but for me. i donno. ive never really had this feeling about me before.
I just feel like im fucking up and everyone around me knows it, but they can do nothing but sit back and watch me go down in flames.
I got word on my knee situation. i came down with a really bad case of tendonitis. i mean. doesnt sound to harsh, but theres a clickin in my knee that keeps getting worse day by day and the doc says that its not good at all. so i have to go in for more mri's. I really miss playing baseball. it used to be my only way of just letting all of lifes troubles disappear for those few hours that i was out there on that field. nothing really mattered anymore once i stepped inbetween those two whit chalk lines.
now.......my only refuge from this nightmare i live in is drugs. i know. what a shitty and weak way out of things. but. for me. as of late. its all i can think of.
I think the thing i want most rite now. or i should say desire the most is just a good companion. someone i can talk to whenever or where ever. someone that can put forth the amount of love that i know i can. i basically want a best friend. i donno. thats asking for a little to much these days. i mean. i have my best friend derek. but im talking. female. i want someone that can understand me. you know, someone who loves to just hold hands and sit ont a park bench and watch the sunset, someone i can talk to about all my troubles and just have that one special shoulder to cry on from time to time........yea. i want someone to love.
who am i kidding tho? nothings gonna change overnight. i want my life back.
I was looking back on old pictures from high school. if u put them next to the face i have to live with now a days then u would agree that there lie two different people. i dont even resemble anything close to what i was back then. its a tale of two opposites. i like the old me. the shy, innocent, loving me. Now im just a rigid, torn, lost me. is there anyone out there that can help me find my way.?
i dont really know what the point of this entry is. i really dont know if anyone will even read this. or for the most part even CARE. i donno. i just had to let things out. none of this really makes any sense. but yea.