(no subject)
Oh good LORD, I need a break.
I've come to a shocking realisation about just how little I care about my degree. I think I may only be doing it because I am a stone-cold snob; how could I, a person whom I hold in grossly inflated intellectual esteem, not have a degree? There are hundreds of complete idiots out there who do have degrees; would I feel inferior to them? No, Would other people think less of me for it? I would hope not. But something about it just wouldn't be right.
It all boils down to bare vanity. I have these bizarre scenes playing in my head that involve such things as a family wedding in 5 years' time or something, and my mother being asked about her children, eg:
MUM: Oh, Elizabeth is a physiotherapist and Will is in his 3rd year of his Law degree.
RANDOM GUEST: And what did Edward do?
MUM: Oh...Edward doesn't have a degree.
It doesn't matter how that conversation continues, even if the next line is "Ed's going to New Zealand to cover the Rugby World Cup for the Independent and he's buying his first house" it doesn't matter, because I'll be the failure with no degree. I reckon I might have the strength of character not to care what other people think for the rest of my life, but whenever I run over the explanation of my potential lack of degree and hopeful emergence of my career of choice I feel small. I am a pretty dispicable person for it, but I have always wanted to be better than other people, and since I was blessed with no special talent for anything, my ambition has always fallen back on my intelligence (it was the only thing that kept me on a par with my friends at school).
I am not ACTUALLY considering dropping out or anything, but the same problem arises if I come out with a really crap degree, and my parents would be so disappointed. If they knew I was just coasting through and not making the most of my 'potential' then they'd probably cut me off, financially. It doesn't seem to matter what the situation is, I STILL can't get myself to care about academic work, after all these years. My philosophy unit is so fucking boring, and I just can't find the energy to do my Literature essay, even though I enjoy the doing of it. Yet, I can find it within myself to enjoy my menial job, and look forward to having another rugby article due every month. Can I really commit myself to something that I know I don't really care about?
In other news, I have been a complete prick in the last two days. I have done one of those things that I promised myself I would never do, and I may have hurt somebody I care about in doing so. So now I'm not only stupid, but an utter bastard as well. Perfect!
I've come to a shocking realisation about just how little I care about my degree. I think I may only be doing it because I am a stone-cold snob; how could I, a person whom I hold in grossly inflated intellectual esteem, not have a degree? There are hundreds of complete idiots out there who do have degrees; would I feel inferior to them? No, Would other people think less of me for it? I would hope not. But something about it just wouldn't be right.
It all boils down to bare vanity. I have these bizarre scenes playing in my head that involve such things as a family wedding in 5 years' time or something, and my mother being asked about her children, eg:
MUM: Oh, Elizabeth is a physiotherapist and Will is in his 3rd year of his Law degree.
RANDOM GUEST: And what did Edward do?
MUM: Oh...Edward doesn't have a degree.
It doesn't matter how that conversation continues, even if the next line is "Ed's going to New Zealand to cover the Rugby World Cup for the Independent and he's buying his first house" it doesn't matter, because I'll be the failure with no degree. I reckon I might have the strength of character not to care what other people think for the rest of my life, but whenever I run over the explanation of my potential lack of degree and hopeful emergence of my career of choice I feel small. I am a pretty dispicable person for it, but I have always wanted to be better than other people, and since I was blessed with no special talent for anything, my ambition has always fallen back on my intelligence (it was the only thing that kept me on a par with my friends at school).
I am not ACTUALLY considering dropping out or anything, but the same problem arises if I come out with a really crap degree, and my parents would be so disappointed. If they knew I was just coasting through and not making the most of my 'potential' then they'd probably cut me off, financially. It doesn't seem to matter what the situation is, I STILL can't get myself to care about academic work, after all these years. My philosophy unit is so fucking boring, and I just can't find the energy to do my Literature essay, even though I enjoy the doing of it. Yet, I can find it within myself to enjoy my menial job, and look forward to having another rugby article due every month. Can I really commit myself to something that I know I don't really care about?
In other news, I have been a complete prick in the last two days. I have done one of those things that I promised myself I would never do, and I may have hurt somebody I care about in doing so. So now I'm not only stupid, but an utter bastard as well. Perfect!