May 01, 2005 02:33
I'm unhappy with who I am. I know it may sound a little stange coming from me, but I'm really not happy with myself.
But change is so hard... it's so different. I don't exactly look forward to change and it's not very easy to come by. But when it does happen, it's good.
I'm extremely tired right now. It's very late. In fact, I just spent about a half an hour going through old entries... I got to the beginning of June and stopped. I looked at some entires; some were scary, some were happy, some were sad, some were meaningful, some were inspiring... but they were all mine.
I used to think livejournal was pointless, stupid, and annoying. But now I realize that it's something very personal. Reading some of my entries, I actually began to cry. I wrote one about death and funerals. I wrote others about problems I have (especially with chicks). Some were quizzes. Some were jokes... but I did start to cry a little. It was really moving and now I know why I have one.
The comments were particularly interesting. The way everyone's changed, including myself, amazes me.
I don't know if I like this me better or the old me... I'm sure it's the old me, I just don't want to believe it. I like the old version of some people, and others I like the new version. But we all change... and change is good. And no matter how afraid I am of it or how hard it will be to come by, I need it and want it to come, cause it will be magnificent. I look forward to the change.
I still feel alone though. It really has nothing to do with anybody; I have more friends than anybody could ever hope to have, and they all have wonderful, amazing, awesome personalities. But I still feel pretty empty, and it hurts. In one of my entries, I wrote about the size of my bed... and how I'm the only one in it. How I want to share it with somebody. Hell, Jeremy's been that other person twice in like a week.
Whatever... I'll just have to wait for that change.
Ugh. It's so early. I don't want to sleep. I'm tired, I know that, but I don't want to sleep. Nobody's online. It's a bit annoying. I want somebody to talk to. I never really talk to anybody outside of school. That kinda makes me sad.
I don't know anymore. I know this though - no matter how lonly and unhappy I may become, I will never be emo. Because life is too good, too short, too wonderful to be emo. Just fucking live it. You only get one.
Where is the love?