The best solution to a problem is to pretend there is no such problem
My very best friend Ashley said something to me not long ago, and it is quite the summation of how I feel right now. "I don't think I hate life.. I think life hates me"... So true. I'm so stressed out right now it's really uncool.
I love my mother. I know I always have... But I dunno. I was talking with Shellster a couple days ago, and it just got me thinking, as it often does. It may have taken me a little over 18 years and 3500 miles to realize it, but I think family is the most important thing in life. I always used to think I was fine alone, but the catch is, I never was alone. Through all the running away, getting kicked out, screaming at the top of my lungs, and slamming the door, my family was always there for me. My mom especially. I remember more than one time, Gena lectured me about how I should give my mom more credit and be a lot nicer to her, and I really wish I'd started listening back then. On a typical weekday, my mom wakes up at 6 AM so she can be to work by 7:30, and she gets home around 5 PM and within an hour she's preparing dinner on the off chance that my brother will show up with an empty stomach. After dinner she pays bills, does the laundry, cleans, and/or any other household chore that needs to be done. She usually is done with such busy work around 9 or 10 PM, at which time she reads before relaxing to go to bed. However, my brother is rarely home before curfew, so she often stays up till midnight or later, worrying and wondering where he is and why she can't get ahold of him. She does this all so she can pay the bills, so my brother has food to eat when he's there, so she can put $125 in my checking account at the beginning of every month... When I lived there, I always protested doing the chores, which were much more ample since we had three or four pets as opposed to the one we have now. Thinking of all this now, I wish I had helped with chores more often, more willingly. Maybe done the laundry when needed, bothered to learn how to prepare a good meal. Even over winter break I was such a freeloader. She did my laundry, she gave me gas money, offered to cook though I more often than not declined and took her money to McDonalds, and as if that wasn't enough of a Christmas present, she got me a $300 video camera which I traded in for a portable DVD player and DVDs. I was so selfish... If I could accurately portray how much I disgust myself, it wouldn't be pretty at all...
This semester, she's been so supportive of me through everything. I know some might say that's to be expected, but she's been supportive of me when I wanted to throw in the towel, give up, and go home. It wasn't even an "I don't support the decisions you make sometimes but I'll always be there" kind of support, it was a full fledged "I completely support you and whatever decision you make" type of support... I'm so scared to reveal certain truths to her, such as how I may actually be failing two of my classes when I'm only enrolled in three, as opposed to the five that she thinks I'm in. Deep down I know she'll love me and understand no matter what... But I'm just so scared of letting her down. Even if she wouldn't disown me or be angry or openly disappointed... I owe it to her to not let her down. I've already let myself down in so many ways... I can't let her down too, I just can't. The worst part is that no matter what, she would tell me that I'd never let her down...
She would be just supportive as Emily was being a couple days ago when I talked to her. Emily told me I'd never be a disappointment because I'm doing what so many people our age are too scared to do. I left my comfort zone in every way, and followed my dream of coming to Alaska. I'm most definitely not saying I'm any better than anyone who stayed in or near home for college. But I know my mom would completely agree with Emily. My mom would remind me how scared I was in the week or two before I came here. How I was so close to changing my mind. How proud she was of me for going through with it even though she misses me so much. She would most definitely say that she was so proud of me for sticking it out this semester. Even though my pathetic excuse for an academic record seems to be picking up speed on a downhill track, she would still respect me and love me. And that almost makes me feel worse than it would if I knew she would scream at me about how much of a fucking failure I am sometimes. Gomenasai, I let you down.
Spring break is over now, and it was a nice little break from my floundering academia. Everything has returned to normal. Students are back and life is amok. I liked being here during break. It was relatively uneventful, albeit very relaxing. Me and my little group of three friends, it was almost as though we had the campus to ourselves. It was amazingly refreshing and quiet.
Aside from Friday night, anywhom. Friday night, Rhonda, Shellster, Isaac and I went to a party. I was so thrilled because I actually got Cherry Vodka! So thrilled that I drank too much too fast, but I shalst get to that later. We got to the party, with our booze in the trunk and weed in the car, and the place was swarming with State Troopers... They took all of our ID's, and held on to them for over half an hour, plus they boxed our car in so we couldn't leave. We didn't get in trouble, and after they left we finally went in to the house. I was glad that it got broken up a bit; I'm not a fan of the huge party scene. As it was, there prolly weren't more than ten people left when we got there. It was a fun time, save for a few things. ShellSTER and RhonDA had a bit of trouble between them but other than that it was pretty good. I didn't get drunk enough to pass out or even not remember things, but I did throw up once. I didn't have that much to drink, but what I did drink was consumed relatively fast. Ah good times. Shellster is such a funny drunk, but kinda loud XD Ah well. Regardless of all that went down, I love her and Rhonda. ♥
Saturday night was an exceptional follow-up to Friday's party. It began with Mollster and Shellster and I just chilling in the fourth floor lounge. It's nice to hang out with Mollster again after a short break from Molliness (for reasons somewhat unknown). Teeheeee... It began as an innocent trip to the kitchen so I could make cream corn. But then Molly "accidentally" spilt me cream corn allll over mis pantelones. I could have ended it there but I'm too cool for pacifist jargon, so within moments, cream corn was flying everywhere. Somehow Shellster managed to stay clean. I dunno how that worked out, but I don't think she felt too left out. After all, cream corn isn't exactly the easiest thing to get out of your hair. I'm not complaining, because it was good fun times, except for the 20 minutes of "I hate you" I heard from Mollster whilst we were cleaning up after my mess. So yes, teehee?
I still don't see most of my friends much, but I can't completely deny that things are looking up a little. I made a new friend, and Troy is more or less showing interest in hanging out again. And also, he's selling his cars and I might actually be able to buy one. It's a '98 Cavalier Z24 and it's in pretty spiffed up condition, and he's only asking $3000 for it. My mom, again with the supportiveness, offered to cover $1000 of it. So now I need to talk to my sister, dad, and grandma about covering the rest of the cost. It would be soooo great to get a car! In fact it would be sensational. Then I could drive my friends and self to Taco Bell and such... Shellster and I wouldn't have to walk everywhere. Though I do enjoy walking places with the Shellster. She's such a great friend, but a bit too generous at times. She bought me a new lip ring since I bit mine to hell, and I only had $13 in cash and change so she covered the rest. I actually still haven't seen it yet but I'm sure it's amazing.
Speaking of amazing, I should have taken pictures of my hair the other night. Mollster and Shellster straightened it, and then proceeded to pile an insane amount of gel on it and tug it around for the next hour. It was quite sensational. Until then, I quite liked having my hair played with. But woooow... Hah and I met Seth, a MySpace friend, on Saturday night very briefly (lucky for him), and my hair was crazy looking because I slicked it back after getting outta the shower XD Ohh funny shower story, too. So yesterday I go to take a shower, and I see a sign on the bathroom door about a hot water outage on 1st-4th floors from 1 PM to 4 PM. It was 1:30ish and I'm hoping they're running late so I can be lazy and not go up to 5th floor. I walk to a faucet, overjoyed to discover that I was lucky and they were running late, as there was still hot water. So I take a shower, and while I was in my shower, two other guys started taking a shower in other stalls... And just as I finished my shower, the hot water goes out. The other guys, one of which I think had just started his shower, both finished up pretty quick. It was quite humorous. Slash sensational, of course.
I managed to get my laundry done after my shower yesterday, finally. But then I was a failure and passed out around 4:30 in the afternoon, not even having been awake for 24 hours. I slept util 8ish, at which point I awoke for aboot an hour. Lately, my sleep schedule has been about as fucked as it's ever been, except now it's worse because the sleep I do get is often interrupted and unfulfilling. I toss and turn, I wake up every hour or so for no real reason, and when I finally wake up I'm still tired most of the time. After watching South Park for a bit, I fell back asleep until about 4 AM this morning. All in all, I prolly got 10-11 hours of sleep but it feels more like I got 5-6... It's amazing how that works out sometimes.
As for now, I have some MySpace procrastination that I ought to get to work on, and then as last-minute as possible, I need to do my homework for my English class... I hate that class. And my Jap class. Oh em jee. I am so stressed it's very uncool... Gaaaah!
I opened the post with a quote from one of my best friends, so how fitting is it that I finish with a quote from one of my worst friends? Hah, juss playin' dawg. This one is compliments of Mollster, and let's face it, as this quote would suggest, she is sensational. "Heck yes I'm drunk and I'm smoking some ex right now!"
I love my mother. I know I always have... But I dunno. I was talking with Shellster a couple days ago, and it just got me thinking, as it often does. It may have taken me a little over 18 years and 3500 miles to realize it, but I think family is the most important thing in life. I always used to think I was fine alone, but the catch is, I never was alone. Through all the running away, getting kicked out, screaming at the top of my lungs, and slamming the door, my family was always there for me. My mom especially. I remember more than one time, Gena lectured me about how I should give my mom more credit and be a lot nicer to her, and I really wish I'd started listening back then. On a typical weekday, my mom wakes up at 6 AM so she can be to work by 7:30, and she gets home around 5 PM and within an hour she's preparing dinner on the off chance that my brother will show up with an empty stomach. After dinner she pays bills, does the laundry, cleans, and/or any other household chore that needs to be done. She usually is done with such busy work around 9 or 10 PM, at which time she reads before relaxing to go to bed. However, my brother is rarely home before curfew, so she often stays up till midnight or later, worrying and wondering where he is and why she can't get ahold of him. She does this all so she can pay the bills, so my brother has food to eat when he's there, so she can put $125 in my checking account at the beginning of every month... When I lived there, I always protested doing the chores, which were much more ample since we had three or four pets as opposed to the one we have now. Thinking of all this now, I wish I had helped with chores more often, more willingly. Maybe done the laundry when needed, bothered to learn how to prepare a good meal. Even over winter break I was such a freeloader. She did my laundry, she gave me gas money, offered to cook though I more often than not declined and took her money to McDonalds, and as if that wasn't enough of a Christmas present, she got me a $300 video camera which I traded in for a portable DVD player and DVDs. I was so selfish... If I could accurately portray how much I disgust myself, it wouldn't be pretty at all...
This semester, she's been so supportive of me through everything. I know some might say that's to be expected, but she's been supportive of me when I wanted to throw in the towel, give up, and go home. It wasn't even an "I don't support the decisions you make sometimes but I'll always be there" kind of support, it was a full fledged "I completely support you and whatever decision you make" type of support... I'm so scared to reveal certain truths to her, such as how I may actually be failing two of my classes when I'm only enrolled in three, as opposed to the five that she thinks I'm in. Deep down I know she'll love me and understand no matter what... But I'm just so scared of letting her down. Even if she wouldn't disown me or be angry or openly disappointed... I owe it to her to not let her down. I've already let myself down in so many ways... I can't let her down too, I just can't. The worst part is that no matter what, she would tell me that I'd never let her down...
She would be just supportive as Emily was being a couple days ago when I talked to her. Emily told me I'd never be a disappointment because I'm doing what so many people our age are too scared to do. I left my comfort zone in every way, and followed my dream of coming to Alaska. I'm most definitely not saying I'm any better than anyone who stayed in or near home for college. But I know my mom would completely agree with Emily. My mom would remind me how scared I was in the week or two before I came here. How I was so close to changing my mind. How proud she was of me for going through with it even though she misses me so much. She would most definitely say that she was so proud of me for sticking it out this semester. Even though my pathetic excuse for an academic record seems to be picking up speed on a downhill track, she would still respect me and love me. And that almost makes me feel worse than it would if I knew she would scream at me about how much of a fucking failure I am sometimes. Gomenasai, I let you down.
Spring break is over now, and it was a nice little break from my floundering academia. Everything has returned to normal. Students are back and life is amok. I liked being here during break. It was relatively uneventful, albeit very relaxing. Me and my little group of three friends, it was almost as though we had the campus to ourselves. It was amazingly refreshing and quiet.
Aside from Friday night, anywhom. Friday night, Rhonda, Shellster, Isaac and I went to a party. I was so thrilled because I actually got Cherry Vodka! So thrilled that I drank too much too fast, but I shalst get to that later. We got to the party, with our booze in the trunk and weed in the car, and the place was swarming with State Troopers... They took all of our ID's, and held on to them for over half an hour, plus they boxed our car in so we couldn't leave. We didn't get in trouble, and after they left we finally went in to the house. I was glad that it got broken up a bit; I'm not a fan of the huge party scene. As it was, there prolly weren't more than ten people left when we got there. It was a fun time, save for a few things. ShellSTER and RhonDA had a bit of trouble between them but other than that it was pretty good. I didn't get drunk enough to pass out or even not remember things, but I did throw up once. I didn't have that much to drink, but what I did drink was consumed relatively fast. Ah good times. Shellster is such a funny drunk, but kinda loud XD Ah well. Regardless of all that went down, I love her and Rhonda. ♥
Saturday night was an exceptional follow-up to Friday's party. It began with Mollster and Shellster and I just chilling in the fourth floor lounge. It's nice to hang out with Mollster again after a short break from Molliness (for reasons somewhat unknown). Teeheeee... It began as an innocent trip to the kitchen so I could make cream corn. But then Molly "accidentally" spilt me cream corn allll over mis pantelones. I could have ended it there but I'm too cool for pacifist jargon, so within moments, cream corn was flying everywhere. Somehow Shellster managed to stay clean. I dunno how that worked out, but I don't think she felt too left out. After all, cream corn isn't exactly the easiest thing to get out of your hair. I'm not complaining, because it was good fun times, except for the 20 minutes of "I hate you" I heard from Mollster whilst we were cleaning up after my mess. So yes, teehee?
I still don't see most of my friends much, but I can't completely deny that things are looking up a little. I made a new friend, and Troy is more or less showing interest in hanging out again. And also, he's selling his cars and I might actually be able to buy one. It's a '98 Cavalier Z24 and it's in pretty spiffed up condition, and he's only asking $3000 for it. My mom, again with the supportiveness, offered to cover $1000 of it. So now I need to talk to my sister, dad, and grandma about covering the rest of the cost. It would be soooo great to get a car! In fact it would be sensational. Then I could drive my friends and self to Taco Bell and such... Shellster and I wouldn't have to walk everywhere. Though I do enjoy walking places with the Shellster. She's such a great friend, but a bit too generous at times. She bought me a new lip ring since I bit mine to hell, and I only had $13 in cash and change so she covered the rest. I actually still haven't seen it yet but I'm sure it's amazing.
Speaking of amazing, I should have taken pictures of my hair the other night. Mollster and Shellster straightened it, and then proceeded to pile an insane amount of gel on it and tug it around for the next hour. It was quite sensational. Until then, I quite liked having my hair played with. But woooow... Hah and I met Seth, a MySpace friend, on Saturday night very briefly (lucky for him), and my hair was crazy looking because I slicked it back after getting outta the shower XD Ohh funny shower story, too. So yesterday I go to take a shower, and I see a sign on the bathroom door about a hot water outage on 1st-4th floors from 1 PM to 4 PM. It was 1:30ish and I'm hoping they're running late so I can be lazy and not go up to 5th floor. I walk to a faucet, overjoyed to discover that I was lucky and they were running late, as there was still hot water. So I take a shower, and while I was in my shower, two other guys started taking a shower in other stalls... And just as I finished my shower, the hot water goes out. The other guys, one of which I think had just started his shower, both finished up pretty quick. It was quite humorous. Slash sensational, of course.
I managed to get my laundry done after my shower yesterday, finally. But then I was a failure and passed out around 4:30 in the afternoon, not even having been awake for 24 hours. I slept util 8ish, at which point I awoke for aboot an hour. Lately, my sleep schedule has been about as fucked as it's ever been, except now it's worse because the sleep I do get is often interrupted and unfulfilling. I toss and turn, I wake up every hour or so for no real reason, and when I finally wake up I'm still tired most of the time. After watching South Park for a bit, I fell back asleep until about 4 AM this morning. All in all, I prolly got 10-11 hours of sleep but it feels more like I got 5-6... It's amazing how that works out sometimes.
As for now, I have some MySpace procrastination that I ought to get to work on, and then as last-minute as possible, I need to do my homework for my English class... I hate that class. And my Jap class. Oh em jee. I am so stressed it's very uncool... Gaaaah!
I opened the post with a quote from one of my best friends, so how fitting is it that I finish with a quote from one of my worst friends? Hah, juss playin' dawg. This one is compliments of Mollster, and let's face it, as this quote would suggest, she is sensational. "Heck yes I'm drunk and I'm smoking some ex right now!"