The Threefold Path to Nirobana
I was just talking to the God Indra Shatakratu, and he convinced me that the time was right to do a little "turning of the Wheel of Dharma" here this evening.
I know what you're thinking- "What??" But settle your minds. I think it's time to reveal a great truth to you all, and those of you who are karmically suited to recieve this great transmission will understand, recognize, and become members of my new and forming Sangha.
I have been enlightened for a long time, but I was hesitant to reveal this or act in accord with your deluded conceptions of "enlightenment". One of the reasons I was hesitant was because I discovered something that is quite scandalous- I discovered a condition that is beyond what you Buddhists call "enlightenment". I have discovered a "nature" that contains all Buddha-Nature as though Buddha-Nature were a single grain of sand lying on a flat, silk cloth that extends infinitely in every direction.
I call this secret nature "Artisson Nature", and I believe that those of you who have recognized their Buddha Nature and become enlightened are now prepared to go to the next level as it were, and recognize your Artisson Nature.
Before you even decide to write in here and attack me for submitting that there is some "nature" that even transcends Buddha Nature, stop for a moment to look at yourself in the mirror and ask "am I enlightened"? The answer for most of you will be "no", so do you think you really have the transcendent insight required to refute my claim? Naturally you don't. So don't bother. The difficulties that faced me when I first found my Buddha Nature and then worked harder to clear away the "Buddha Nature", revealing the Artisson Nature underneath, were many. The main difficulty was fighting off the hordes of Buddhists who attacked me for slaughtering one of their sacred cows.
But they were only showing their attachments to their ideas about "Buddha Nature".
If you want to find the Greater Dharma that is beyond the Buddha-Dharma that you know so well, listen carefully, for I am revealing a great path by which you too can uncover your Artisson Nature. It is not as Robin Artisson that I teach this, but as the Awakened One who is Awake Amidst Awake-ness With Internet Access. You who have ears to hear will be the first Bhikkus in my Artissangha.
First, you have to get out of Grade-School, and finish the Eight-fold Path, and get enlightened. When you have the omniscient mind of enlightenment, then you will have the needed mental capacity to put into practice the THREEFOLD PATH to NIROBANA. Nirobana is the name I give to the state wherein all the peace and bliss that follows the extinguishing of craving and suffering ends, and a state of awesomeness called the "Supergroove" begins. It's like listening to the Funk Music of the Gods, while eating chocolate ALL the time and getting DVD boxed sets of "The Family Guy" and "Invader Zim" for free. That's the closest I can come to explaining it. You'll just have to see for yourself.
THE THREEFOLD PATH TO NIROBANA
There is a state of freedom from suffering, and there is the infinitely preferable state of Supergroove that exists beyond it. To get there, you have to follow the Threefold Path. The Threefold Path consists of:
1. Right Electronica: Right Electronica refers to the habit of listening to only the best Electronic and Industrial Music. This includes Delerium, Meat Beat Manifesto, Skinny Puppy, Front Line Assembly, Enigma (for you old folks) (Even though Cretu's most recent effort is quite worthwhile) Epilepsy, Stars of the Lid, The Electric Hellfire Club, Cult of the Psychic Fetus, VNV Nation, My Dying Bride (maybe not Electronica but still awesome), Magenta, Godhead, Android Lust, Nine Inch Nails, The Cruxshadows, Chemlab, The Crystal Method, and last but CERTAINLY not least: KMFDM.
2. Right Trolling: Right Trolling refers to the sport of getting rises out of the less intelligent people online and reveling in your own enlightened power while making them uncertain of themselves, or making them so angry that they feel the need to report you to whoever will listen. It is further divided into three "sub-paths":
-Right Sockpuppetry: By which many socks are created and updated every few days, to be activated and used years later, with the appearance of it being a totally real person.
-Right Wikivandalism: By which the idiot asshole cliques who infest Wikipedia are thwarted and driven to impotent rage- you cannot be banned from Wikipedia; all you have to do is unplug your cable or DSL modem for five minutes, and you can log back in. Trust me.
-Right Crapflooding: By which entire message boards and communities can be shut down indefinitely by sending in nonstop streams of big images of Hitler or piles of dog feces.
3. Right Omnivorism: Right Omnivorism refers to the great pleasure of being a normal human being and actually eating fruits, vegetables, AND meats. It increases the health and the sanguine strength, and allows for the mind to "break through" into the state of Supergroove. This path, too, is divided into three paths:
-Right Seafood Preparation: by which shrimp and scallops can be pan-seared in garlic and butter, or SUSHI can be eaten daily and nightly, especially crunchy rolls and eel.
-Right Pot Roasting: by which garlic-stuffed roasts are slow-cooked after being seared and splashed with wine, and potatoes and carrots are added in the last thirty minutes, to simmer in the natural juices that are drawn from the meat over about four hours.
-Right V-8 with Tabasco Sauce Imbibing: by which all the vegetables you'll ever need are actually DRANK in the form of V-8 juice, spiced with a little Tabasco sauce. This is the "wish fulfilling liquid" or the Nectar of Supergroove. But even it must take a second place to Dark Ale, especially Chimay Trapist Ale (blue label).
To begin this path, you must go for refuge to the Three Groovy Things: Robin Artisson, The Greater Dharma that stands behind the basic path of regular Dharma taught by Siddhartha Gautama, and the Artissangha. That's right; Buddha-Dharma is grade school; This new Dharma I have revealed to you is High School and University, and your Career afterwards and Retirement, and your death and burial or cremation.
You should all be very thankful; you have been privy to a great means of awakening beyond awakening.