Okay this is about EVERYTHING and it won't be put on private.
Alright, so.
I've decided that, in connection to Kevin's entry, this isthe perfect time to let stuff off my small underdeveloped chest!
Honestly, I suddenly don't really like "the group" concept either. I mean, I've been in "groups" before, but in those everyone kind of met each other at the same time and it was even and structured. I was, more or less, thrown into this one. The longest I've known a person here is maybe ten months. I forgot why I came to the Drumbeat office in the first place, but I did and now I am expected there, so. At first, I thought I was kind of invasive and then I didn't feel that way so much anymore!1
But the out of the main cluster of people who are reading the entry, the people I know the most are prolly the three males, and then Ashley is a middling third, and then everyone else are kinda distant. They do feel like almost extra padding to 'the group' and serve to extend it out a bit. But that's only from my viewpoint because, again, I don't really know them that well. And I don't think I will by the time everyone graduates. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, and it probably isn't. We shouldn't feel compelled to make our friendships more than they are, that happens naturally.
There have been about 9438584 times I haven't felt secure with "the group" and quetioned my function in it. But if there isn't one, then I don't really need to worry!1 For a while I have had these friendships that, apart from the "four musketeers" (and even that is debatable because it's undergoing renewal) were mainly clusters of two or three related people. Like, "Oh that person was in my AP class last year! and those two were in Earth Science in eighth grade!" And any connections between them were coincidental. But since everyone I know is somehow condenscing, I feel that I have to pick and choose. I feel like I have to organize them or something. And I have only recently shaken this off; I'm not sure whether it will come back or not. I've never felt comfortble with choosing one best friend; it's hard. Either it's a few people or no one at all. But I hate spending more time than needed on it; those who I feel close to I feel shouldn't be put in a hierarchy.
Okay, so, as you all know, I am very very vague. It's amazing. I love being vague in cynical, and I don't take anything too seriously, including myself. I don't think this will change too much. I just don't like translating my main thought for people. Like, that one day I posted "i feel like a vagina", I WAS upset and such on and so forth, but when it came down to it, the main way I felt was vagina like. It was nothing else. So I told people wow I was feeling and no one understood it but me!
I don't think I'm really doing it for attention, which is hard to believe but I still carry that. Being vague and weird is just . . . me. I send out my message the exact way I want it to be heard but I don't expect any attempts at translation.
FOR EXAMPLE
At rehersal one day, I guess I was feeling a little stressed out, so I made it silly. On stage, I was covering my hand with my mouth when I spoke, so that everything sounded like "murergfdrharurmph". That's just the way I wanted to speak. I only stopped when Tommy said, "KENDRA WHAT THE HELL."
Actually, that isn't an example. Okay but, here's a rule off thumb -- unless I do something really disturbing I'm usually alright.
Actually I don't know. I just can't be understandable. So I don't try to be. I'm a very odd seed. Ya know, once I thought I was autistic.
This isn't everything but it's a good part of it.
Thank you and goodnight.
I've decided that, in connection to Kevin's entry, this isthe perfect time to let stuff off my small underdeveloped chest!
Honestly, I suddenly don't really like "the group" concept either. I mean, I've been in "groups" before, but in those everyone kind of met each other at the same time and it was even and structured. I was, more or less, thrown into this one. The longest I've known a person here is maybe ten months. I forgot why I came to the Drumbeat office in the first place, but I did and now I am expected there, so. At first, I thought I was kind of invasive and then I didn't feel that way so much anymore!1
But the out of the main cluster of people who are reading the entry, the people I know the most are prolly the three males, and then Ashley is a middling third, and then everyone else are kinda distant. They do feel like almost extra padding to 'the group' and serve to extend it out a bit. But that's only from my viewpoint because, again, I don't really know them that well. And I don't think I will by the time everyone graduates. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, and it probably isn't. We shouldn't feel compelled to make our friendships more than they are, that happens naturally.
There have been about 9438584 times I haven't felt secure with "the group" and quetioned my function in it. But if there isn't one, then I don't really need to worry!1 For a while I have had these friendships that, apart from the "four musketeers" (and even that is debatable because it's undergoing renewal) were mainly clusters of two or three related people. Like, "Oh that person was in my AP class last year! and those two were in Earth Science in eighth grade!" And any connections between them were coincidental. But since everyone I know is somehow condenscing, I feel that I have to pick and choose. I feel like I have to organize them or something. And I have only recently shaken this off; I'm not sure whether it will come back or not. I've never felt comfortble with choosing one best friend; it's hard. Either it's a few people or no one at all. But I hate spending more time than needed on it; those who I feel close to I feel shouldn't be put in a hierarchy.
Okay, so, as you all know, I am very very vague. It's amazing. I love being vague in cynical, and I don't take anything too seriously, including myself. I don't think this will change too much. I just don't like translating my main thought for people. Like, that one day I posted "i feel like a vagina", I WAS upset and such on and so forth, but when it came down to it, the main way I felt was vagina like. It was nothing else. So I told people wow I was feeling and no one understood it but me!
I don't think I'm really doing it for attention, which is hard to believe but I still carry that. Being vague and weird is just . . . me. I send out my message the exact way I want it to be heard but I don't expect any attempts at translation.
FOR EXAMPLE
At rehersal one day, I guess I was feeling a little stressed out, so I made it silly. On stage, I was covering my hand with my mouth when I spoke, so that everything sounded like "murergfdrharurmph". That's just the way I wanted to speak. I only stopped when Tommy said, "KENDRA WHAT THE HELL."
Actually, that isn't an example. Okay but, here's a rule off thumb -- unless I do something really disturbing I'm usually alright.
Actually I don't know. I just can't be understandable. So I don't try to be. I'm a very odd seed. Ya know, once I thought I was autistic.
This isn't everything but it's a good part of it.
Thank you and goodnight.