my life 11-7-2006
I was going to make a new name for this live journal and go all out, but why bother since no one reads my first journal anyways. So the truth of my life has come to me recently and nothing is shocking. I have payed far more attention to peers and drugs then my family or girls around me. I guess its the whole buddhist stand point on inherentness. I can care less if i hook up with anyone, yet I know laziness isn't the whole truth. Sexual molestation, cocaine, and secrets reveiled. A cloud hung over my head for a long while, but thanks to the big hearts of my close friends I have come to the conclusion that I am ok and all is fine.
I was taken advantage of sexually at a friend's party, which to my surprise was premeditated. I cannot see him in the same way, nor myself for that matter. It was easy to keep such an incident a secret, but as i grew fonder of harder drugs to keep me sane, i couldnt keep myself awake for lying. I have stolen jewelry from family, sold dvd's for drugs, and taken pure bullshit from so called friends. I've seen the world, seen hishaps, beared witness to tragedies. So many thing I cannot explain, nor feel is necessary to bring into a relationship right now. All i see is my joining the military. As if, doing so will bring a new life and new hopes.
Cocaine, the hardest drug and i have had my share and more. i remember i spend half my paycheck ($200 paycheck) on pure cocaine. no that's only a hundred dollars, but still too much money considering i could have payed back family, friends, and other things. I confessed on cocaine to my best friend i took his dvd's and sold them, LONG ago for cocaine. now it seems i have a trouble with this really hard drug, but not so much. Over two years, id say ive done 200 dollars worth, it's a lot but in all actually it's not much. I've become wiser to the world and the people because of it, that's for sure. I was so ashamed to tell anyone, but most people know now and they are fine with it. Even my ex-girlfriend said she had done coke, which made me so relieved.
what im actually trying to say is all will be forgiven, i know this for a fact. I miss marijuana. I miss having a job yet HATE every fucking person ive worked with, except a few of course! I miss my ex, even thought i doubt she misses me as much as i miss her. I miss art, i dont draw anymore cause im too focused on money and relations to such. I find myself going to the same places everyday, the same tv shows, the same conversations to the same people. I miss college, and all the people who are going there still! I miss the bands i was in, all of them. I miss living onbase, all my old friends and the things we knew and did. I miss cienega, i had the best times there....real, sincere times...even though i was still shy, i grew there like none other time. I miss my old groups, I miss the bon-fires. I miss, myself the most. I have beard and my mom says i stink...lol, i took a shower i swear!!!!
2006 wasa horrible year for me, but i ve grown closer to my friends and family. I wish i had a girl but im too lazy and want money to spend on her, but we all know money doesnt matter, but it truely does...if you live in rita...fucking ranch. gas takes money, people take attention, attention is reserved for the momentum of such. nothing matters but momentum, BELIEVE me on this.
and now you know my life adn all my secrets...its not like ive lived an evil life...just one of self-destruction...which i've always known in my heart to be to the very least ok...since i never brought straight-edge friends into the druggie scene. My life is right out of a hollywood movie i swear, drugs, rocknroll, and sex. not so much sex, lol, but definitely, gangster by any means. I just want out, and the way out is through education and reading, maybe a bit of working out and running.
dont feel sorry for me, we all deserve what happens to us, its like stepping outside your house in the morning...you must feel the dew of the morning and the bright sun to really see why we lock our doors at night.
I was taken advantage of sexually at a friend's party, which to my surprise was premeditated. I cannot see him in the same way, nor myself for that matter. It was easy to keep such an incident a secret, but as i grew fonder of harder drugs to keep me sane, i couldnt keep myself awake for lying. I have stolen jewelry from family, sold dvd's for drugs, and taken pure bullshit from so called friends. I've seen the world, seen hishaps, beared witness to tragedies. So many thing I cannot explain, nor feel is necessary to bring into a relationship right now. All i see is my joining the military. As if, doing so will bring a new life and new hopes.
Cocaine, the hardest drug and i have had my share and more. i remember i spend half my paycheck ($200 paycheck) on pure cocaine. no that's only a hundred dollars, but still too much money considering i could have payed back family, friends, and other things. I confessed on cocaine to my best friend i took his dvd's and sold them, LONG ago for cocaine. now it seems i have a trouble with this really hard drug, but not so much. Over two years, id say ive done 200 dollars worth, it's a lot but in all actually it's not much. I've become wiser to the world and the people because of it, that's for sure. I was so ashamed to tell anyone, but most people know now and they are fine with it. Even my ex-girlfriend said she had done coke, which made me so relieved.
what im actually trying to say is all will be forgiven, i know this for a fact. I miss marijuana. I miss having a job yet HATE every fucking person ive worked with, except a few of course! I miss my ex, even thought i doubt she misses me as much as i miss her. I miss art, i dont draw anymore cause im too focused on money and relations to such. I find myself going to the same places everyday, the same tv shows, the same conversations to the same people. I miss college, and all the people who are going there still! I miss the bands i was in, all of them. I miss living onbase, all my old friends and the things we knew and did. I miss cienega, i had the best times there....real, sincere times...even though i was still shy, i grew there like none other time. I miss my old groups, I miss the bon-fires. I miss, myself the most. I have beard and my mom says i stink...lol, i took a shower i swear!!!!
2006 wasa horrible year for me, but i ve grown closer to my friends and family. I wish i had a girl but im too lazy and want money to spend on her, but we all know money doesnt matter, but it truely does...if you live in rita...fucking ranch. gas takes money, people take attention, attention is reserved for the momentum of such. nothing matters but momentum, BELIEVE me on this.
and now you know my life adn all my secrets...its not like ive lived an evil life...just one of self-destruction...which i've always known in my heart to be to the very least ok...since i never brought straight-edge friends into the druggie scene. My life is right out of a hollywood movie i swear, drugs, rocknroll, and sex. not so much sex, lol, but definitely, gangster by any means. I just want out, and the way out is through education and reading, maybe a bit of working out and running.
dont feel sorry for me, we all deserve what happens to us, its like stepping outside your house in the morning...you must feel the dew of the morning and the bright sun to really see why we lock our doors at night.