Praying for something profound; receiving silence.
I watched a Gwyneth Paltrow film tonight called "Posession"- I recommend it to all, but particularly those of you who love poetry, romance, and English people. lol viola_cesario, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if you already owned this film. It made me laugh and hope and cry and most importantly,
It made me want to love again.
I've been watching LOTR 1&2 a lot lately- various members of the family keep wanting to see it (I only saw the last half, I only saw the first, I didn't get to watch it, why didn't you guys wait for me?) and I keep seeing it with them. And overwhelmingly (besides the blatant Christian allegorical representation in plot and characters, which is another journal entry altogether), I keep feeling absolutely bombarded with the concept of hope in the midst of hopelessness.
And I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting over the past few days, and I want to know... Where is the little girl who used to yell at old men for killing robins? Where is the young scholar who learned to love books because she first learned to prize virtues and goodness and romance and truth above all else, and books were the only reliable source of continual support for this optimistic delusion? Where is the young woman who swore to God and herself that she would never lose the ability to have faith in love, because love is everything in this pathetic, short little life we are given?
Read this and know me. Somewhere, locked inside my mind which happens to be the unfortunate casing around my heart (I'm going to fail anatomy the next time I take it), is a woman who believes in intangibles, a woman who is heroic and is not only willing to but cannot see any other path but to fight for the things she believes in. And she believes, wholeheartedly and singlemindedly in them.
We all are constantly searching for who we are, constantly trying to know ourselves.
Read this and know me:
I am a woman who would give her life for love, a woman who would rather face shame than dishonesty, a woman who believes that hope is gold and wealth is a shambles outside of honest hard work.
Read this and know me: I am a woman who believes that discipline is the road to self-fulfillment because going easy on oneself creates a soft brain, and a soft brain is best put to use yelling at children and puzzling over new appliances. I am a woman who has transcended the petty troubles of self-image in search of higher calling, higher purpose, higher meaning than how I look or feel or appear to others or even to myself, because I know now that how I appear to God is more important than all of that.
Read this and know me: I am a woman who has nothing to prove to anyone but herself and that self is a tough critic but not unappeasable. I am a woman who thirsts after life, gets high on giving peace, comfort, and guidance, and finds rest in familiar words and places. I am a woman who is not afraid to be alone, but who is not afraid to be together, either.
Read this, and know me. I am a woman who is triumphant, who is independent, who is valiant and just and noble.
Read this, and know me. There is no truer, no clearer picture of my character than in this. I am a woman who thirsts after the heart and mind of God, who aspires to be near to holiness, who is obsessed and utterly consumed by a need to fulfill my calling of honor.
Read this, and know me.
It made me want to love again.
I've been watching LOTR 1&2 a lot lately- various members of the family keep wanting to see it (I only saw the last half, I only saw the first, I didn't get to watch it, why didn't you guys wait for me?) and I keep seeing it with them. And overwhelmingly (besides the blatant Christian allegorical representation in plot and characters, which is another journal entry altogether), I keep feeling absolutely bombarded with the concept of hope in the midst of hopelessness.
And I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting over the past few days, and I want to know... Where is the little girl who used to yell at old men for killing robins? Where is the young scholar who learned to love books because she first learned to prize virtues and goodness and romance and truth above all else, and books were the only reliable source of continual support for this optimistic delusion? Where is the young woman who swore to God and herself that she would never lose the ability to have faith in love, because love is everything in this pathetic, short little life we are given?
Read this and know me. Somewhere, locked inside my mind which happens to be the unfortunate casing around my heart (I'm going to fail anatomy the next time I take it), is a woman who believes in intangibles, a woman who is heroic and is not only willing to but cannot see any other path but to fight for the things she believes in. And she believes, wholeheartedly and singlemindedly in them.
We all are constantly searching for who we are, constantly trying to know ourselves.
Read this and know me:
I am a woman who would give her life for love, a woman who would rather face shame than dishonesty, a woman who believes that hope is gold and wealth is a shambles outside of honest hard work.
Read this and know me: I am a woman who believes that discipline is the road to self-fulfillment because going easy on oneself creates a soft brain, and a soft brain is best put to use yelling at children and puzzling over new appliances. I am a woman who has transcended the petty troubles of self-image in search of higher calling, higher purpose, higher meaning than how I look or feel or appear to others or even to myself, because I know now that how I appear to God is more important than all of that.
Read this and know me: I am a woman who has nothing to prove to anyone but herself and that self is a tough critic but not unappeasable. I am a woman who thirsts after life, gets high on giving peace, comfort, and guidance, and finds rest in familiar words and places. I am a woman who is not afraid to be alone, but who is not afraid to be together, either.
Read this, and know me. I am a woman who is triumphant, who is independent, who is valiant and just and noble.
Read this, and know me. There is no truer, no clearer picture of my character than in this. I am a woman who thirsts after the heart and mind of God, who aspires to be near to holiness, who is obsessed and utterly consumed by a need to fulfill my calling of honor.
Read this, and know me.