2007.
it's strange. first post in 9 months. i think i'll just go through stuff that has happened, as it feels like the end of my gap year, and just heading into endless summer.
end of summer...
everyone moves away. sydney, melbourne, overseas. uni, work, fun. i don't know, i think i was feeling pretty fucking alone, even though there were still people in canberra.
i meet rowan at kirsten's birthday party/farewell in march. we hit it off, become good friends in a matter of weeks, then start going out soon after my 18th.
my 18th was interesting... not exactly intimate. in some respects i wish i could do it again, this time with good friends.
i have gone through a couple of jobs this year, all coming back to the oaks. netimpact was awesome money, shit work. and i was going through a tough time then, not paying attention, so they let me go. back to oaks.
then oaks had the fire, so i was out of work for seven weeks. i vowed never to go back, so i got the job at santa lucia. that turned out to be hell, mundane, understaffed. shit-ish pay, decided it just wasn't worth the money, when i was earning double at oaks. pascoe shouted at me down the phone for 5 mins straight, when i decided to quit in between split shifts. frankly, best decision i ever made. santa was killing me.
now here i am, on the 22nd of november 2007, and i'm wondering if i have improved over the year. it'd be silly to think i haven't learnt more about myself, or changed. i have changed alot. i feel alot happier. i mean, i still have my moods (as rowan has learnt the hard way), but at least i'm not desperate for change of everything. i have my good friends now, and then just friends. i still feel like i want to learn more about some people, and some i wouldn't care if i never saw again. and i'm sure they feel the same about me.
health wise, i think i'm about the same as i was. well, i'm not suffering too badly from the psychosomatitism as i have in the past, the most prevalent case this year being at santa lucia. there, i was constantly tired, sick, had a urinary infection, sore ankles, sore back, styes in my eyes. i looked fucking ill, yet i was eating fine and getting plenty of sleep. and now i'm back at oaks, my only complaint is my fucking weight and body. i've put on more weight than i enjoy. in the process of figuring out. but rowan just loves me for who i am, which is nice, yet doesn't help when i'm having one of those days where nothing is going to be right, especially my thighs, stomach, arse or arms. at least he tries.
i went from smoking about a pack a day of cloves at worst, to now where i had two cloves last night which was the most i'd had in a while. i mean, i'm not smoking daily at all. i don't crave it at work, i only really do it with friends that smoke. and i just don't care. i don't feel the need to do it like some people. it's not a matter of rebelling or whatever. it's when you're addicted that that's when it matters, because if you cannot find it in yourself to quit, then you have a problem.
i didn't go anywhere really this year. two sort of work trips to sydney, then one trip to the coast for two days recently. i don't feel so bad for not going overseas, since i didn't make a big effort in saving money. but i'm going to new zealand in january, we're buying our tickets in the next day or so. me, rowan, rozy, and maybe roo and jas. i'm happy, i just need to get away from firm familiarity.
i was so proud recently, because i managed to finish a book i really wanted to read - candy. it felt like such a triumph, because i've found it so hard for so long now to just sit down and read. in a way, i feel that i've regained some more length on my attention span. i think it may be because to an extent rowan has settled me down, which has calmed me. the anxiety has subsided. the depression has slid away. rowan makes me feel better about everything, because he knows i find it harder than i should, and wants to see me continue.
i feel more mature, or at least less naive. i was still 17 9 months ago, and now i'm 18, still young and stupid, but feel more responsible. sure, the pressure sucks (being the only one in coffee on a sunday, where i have about 20 orders to do) sometimes, but at least my parents are happier around me now. i think the fact that i picked a good boy and have been with him for over 7 months makes them respect me a little more, and i work 5 days a week, do my washing, change my sheets, feed myself most of the time, drive myself everywhere... less stress on them. i'm not such a baby anymore. and it makes me proud of how far i have come.
anyway, i might rant more later. but it feels good to think about things.
p.s. another thing my parents are proud of me for, getting into the course i wanted at cit. i went from photography at csu to library and info services at cit, and i think i made one of the best decisions.
end of summer...
everyone moves away. sydney, melbourne, overseas. uni, work, fun. i don't know, i think i was feeling pretty fucking alone, even though there were still people in canberra.
i meet rowan at kirsten's birthday party/farewell in march. we hit it off, become good friends in a matter of weeks, then start going out soon after my 18th.
my 18th was interesting... not exactly intimate. in some respects i wish i could do it again, this time with good friends.
i have gone through a couple of jobs this year, all coming back to the oaks. netimpact was awesome money, shit work. and i was going through a tough time then, not paying attention, so they let me go. back to oaks.
then oaks had the fire, so i was out of work for seven weeks. i vowed never to go back, so i got the job at santa lucia. that turned out to be hell, mundane, understaffed. shit-ish pay, decided it just wasn't worth the money, when i was earning double at oaks. pascoe shouted at me down the phone for 5 mins straight, when i decided to quit in between split shifts. frankly, best decision i ever made. santa was killing me.
now here i am, on the 22nd of november 2007, and i'm wondering if i have improved over the year. it'd be silly to think i haven't learnt more about myself, or changed. i have changed alot. i feel alot happier. i mean, i still have my moods (as rowan has learnt the hard way), but at least i'm not desperate for change of everything. i have my good friends now, and then just friends. i still feel like i want to learn more about some people, and some i wouldn't care if i never saw again. and i'm sure they feel the same about me.
health wise, i think i'm about the same as i was. well, i'm not suffering too badly from the psychosomatitism as i have in the past, the most prevalent case this year being at santa lucia. there, i was constantly tired, sick, had a urinary infection, sore ankles, sore back, styes in my eyes. i looked fucking ill, yet i was eating fine and getting plenty of sleep. and now i'm back at oaks, my only complaint is my fucking weight and body. i've put on more weight than i enjoy. in the process of figuring out. but rowan just loves me for who i am, which is nice, yet doesn't help when i'm having one of those days where nothing is going to be right, especially my thighs, stomach, arse or arms. at least he tries.
i went from smoking about a pack a day of cloves at worst, to now where i had two cloves last night which was the most i'd had in a while. i mean, i'm not smoking daily at all. i don't crave it at work, i only really do it with friends that smoke. and i just don't care. i don't feel the need to do it like some people. it's not a matter of rebelling or whatever. it's when you're addicted that that's when it matters, because if you cannot find it in yourself to quit, then you have a problem.
i didn't go anywhere really this year. two sort of work trips to sydney, then one trip to the coast for two days recently. i don't feel so bad for not going overseas, since i didn't make a big effort in saving money. but i'm going to new zealand in january, we're buying our tickets in the next day or so. me, rowan, rozy, and maybe roo and jas. i'm happy, i just need to get away from firm familiarity.
i was so proud recently, because i managed to finish a book i really wanted to read - candy. it felt like such a triumph, because i've found it so hard for so long now to just sit down and read. in a way, i feel that i've regained some more length on my attention span. i think it may be because to an extent rowan has settled me down, which has calmed me. the anxiety has subsided. the depression has slid away. rowan makes me feel better about everything, because he knows i find it harder than i should, and wants to see me continue.
i feel more mature, or at least less naive. i was still 17 9 months ago, and now i'm 18, still young and stupid, but feel more responsible. sure, the pressure sucks (being the only one in coffee on a sunday, where i have about 20 orders to do) sometimes, but at least my parents are happier around me now. i think the fact that i picked a good boy and have been with him for over 7 months makes them respect me a little more, and i work 5 days a week, do my washing, change my sheets, feed myself most of the time, drive myself everywhere... less stress on them. i'm not such a baby anymore. and it makes me proud of how far i have come.
anyway, i might rant more later. but it feels good to think about things.
p.s. another thing my parents are proud of me for, getting into the course i wanted at cit. i went from photography at csu to library and info services at cit, and i think i made one of the best decisions.