routine with a razorblade.

[buckytc]

I'd love to just crawl inside myself and hide away forever. last night right before i went to sleep, i glanced at the tv and noticed that the girl was cutting herself, which of course brought back the memories of my first time. two years ago, right before thanksgiving. i was under a lot of stress and the exact thing that triggered it, had to be the stupidest event ever taken place, but i gave my sister her christmas present early to see if i could get mine early and when she said no, it tipped me over the edge. now nevermind that i actually attempted suicide 3 years prior, due to a lovely overdose that we won't go into. anyway, after my sister said no, i went upstairs, grabbed a boxcutter and ripped my arm apart in the bathroom. i swear to god it was the most amazing thing i have ever felt. then because of the ass i am, i went downstairs, laughing hysterically, to show my sister. There's still bloodstains on the laundry room floor from that day. My sister called my mom, my mom called my dad, and that was the first time i saw my dad cry. Then I felt like shit all over again and it became a never ending routine to say goodbye to everything. I stopped for a while when i went to therapy, but then last year when certain events managed to sneak their way into my life and ruin every last possible string of sanity i ever possessed, i started again. it went to ripping my arm apart in the bathroom, then driving my nails into my wrists in the movie theater, to coming home and making it routine with a boxcutter, to throwing the boxcutter away, to collecting all the sharp objects i could find, to stopping, to driving nails into my hands, to slicing and scarring my legs, to digging glass into my stomache, to stopping once again, to crying and tearing away at my head, to breaking apart tic tac containers just to get something relitivly sharp, to sticking needles in me in the girls bathroom, to stopping because i found the one, to anger, to hate, to pain, to pity, to starting all over again. with that which is sharp i will live happily to the end. i have too many problems. way too many problems.

it's cold. i don't want to go to school, there's nothing there for me...not even a fucking education because what i don't know, i don't understand and no one is willing to explain it to me. all i do is draw all day anyway. i'm going to fail every class and get punished for a long time. everything is falling apart. i feel pukey...again.