(no subject)
I wanted to do anything else. It was like being lightheaded at first, but more and more I began to feel pressure, as if my head was slowly filling up with air. Now my head felt heavy. The more I thought about it, the more like I felt I wanted to put my head down on the counter. Withstanding gravity had now become a chore.
There was a pressure, of course. An internal pressure. And as such, it would make more sense if I had felt like something was trying to escape. But it still felt like an outside influence was slowly seeping into my skull and bogging it down. I wanted to do anything else. I wanted a break. I wanted time to not think. A couple of weeks maybe. But that wasn't something I was going to get. I wanted an auto pilot setting. I wanted to flip a toggle switch and be free of my own thoughts. But that wasn't something I was going to get.
I wanted to sit in a comfortable chair and be exposed to a regular flow of familiar people who appreciated my hard work. Maybe they would bring me hot chocolate, and ask me to help them with something and I would be more than happy to oblige. "No trouble at all!", I might say. I wanted to be compensated well and not have to worry about what I was going to be doing a year from now. I wanted to be free of worry. But that wasn't something I was going to get.
Perhaps if my head could expand. If my skull was able to accommodate the influx of air, maybe I would become a balloon and I would lift off from the ground. That might feel better that the notion that my head was full of dead weight that I wanted to rest on the ground like an anchor. I want to do anything else.
There was a pressure, of course. An internal pressure. And as such, it would make more sense if I had felt like something was trying to escape. But it still felt like an outside influence was slowly seeping into my skull and bogging it down. I wanted to do anything else. I wanted a break. I wanted time to not think. A couple of weeks maybe. But that wasn't something I was going to get. I wanted an auto pilot setting. I wanted to flip a toggle switch and be free of my own thoughts. But that wasn't something I was going to get.
I wanted to sit in a comfortable chair and be exposed to a regular flow of familiar people who appreciated my hard work. Maybe they would bring me hot chocolate, and ask me to help them with something and I would be more than happy to oblige. "No trouble at all!", I might say. I wanted to be compensated well and not have to worry about what I was going to be doing a year from now. I wanted to be free of worry. But that wasn't something I was going to get.
Perhaps if my head could expand. If my skull was able to accommodate the influx of air, maybe I would become a balloon and I would lift off from the ground. That might feel better that the notion that my head was full of dead weight that I wanted to rest on the ground like an anchor. I want to do anything else.