"I'm Riding High upon a Deep Depression"
**Written the night before my 3 final exams from hell**
I have always hated this time of year with every fiber of my person. Final exam week makes me sick to my stomach because I never do as well as I need-want, really-to do. Every single finals week I have experienced since being an LSU student has made me feel absolutely horrible about myself, not only mentally/academically but physically and emotionally as well. I have been hearing that this is a widespread sentiment for everyone, but I’m not so sure that it is.
I’m writing this LJ entry so I don’t have (another) complete emotional breakdown especially since I am around other people, friends-more so acquaintances-who wouldn’t understand how I’m feeling. I have 3 exams today, and I feel like I’m going to do horribly on all of them. I always get this feeling, but I really don’t know if it’s genuine this time.
I know many people I know think I have been MIA as of late. I haven’t been around on purpose because I feel like a burden to everyone now. If I’ve been a sub-par or bad friend lately, I sincerely apologize.
So many things are weighing on me emotionally and mentally right now. I haven’t been honest with myself about it-and I will deny it to the end if confronted-but I am so horribly depressed it hurts. Everything and every day hurts for me. I cry so much that my eyes feel constantly exhausted. So what’s bothering me?
My mom is sick. I have to face that fact. Being sad about it will not make it better, but it feels like the only thing I can do now. It feels even worse to think that if I feel this horrible about the whole situation how must she feel about it-lost, alone, devastated. I know I have said absolutely revolting things about my mother, but I retract all of those things now.
I am in so much debt that I have trouble sleeping at night. I owe Old Navy, Wal-Mart, Express, American Eagle, Dell, Capital One, Silver Wings, and some very generous friends a great deal of money. It is always on my mind; I can’t enjoy anything anymore because I am constantly worrying about my finances (or lack thereof, I suppose).
I miss my family and my dogs. The only family I have had constant contact with during the past semester are my grandparents. I haven’t spoken with anyone else in my family on a regular basis if at all this spring. That makes me truly sad. I feel guilty because I have only made small efforts to stay in touch, but I am angry and hurt at the same time-for once, I’d like to be the one who receives the call, not the one who makes it.
I’ve lost touch with so many friends this past semester. Life has just been so dreadfully crazy; I don’t know what happened. If I haven’t completely lost contact with people, I see them very infrequently now. And our exchanges have become very polite and cold if anything. I feel horrible about all of this. I know friendship is a compromise on each person’s part, but I feel so hopeless about so many relationships I have with people right now. I just want to be naïve about everything and have amazing people back in my life because, frankly, I feel utterly alone right now. Yes, there are people I spend some small amounts of time with currently, but I am so frightened to get closer with any of these people because I don’t want to scare them away. I know I am a lot to deal with, but I wish I could overcome this constant fear of abandonment that I’ve harbored for the past year or so. Basically, I want to be completely open with my friends, but I feel as though I can’t because I am so hypersensitive and emotional about so many things. It is such a terrifying thought that I may be reverting back to the hermit-like ways and practices that I held so dearly in middle and high schools. Is it the fact that no once cares, or is it that I don’t trust people to care?
The past few weeks have been very odd for me. I walk into rooms filled with people with whom I normally feel great around, appreciated, loved. Now, I feel alone in those rooms with those people. I feel like a face in the crowd like nothing I will ever accomplish will make me stand out and show people that I am a worthwhile individual. I feel invisible. I am not blaming anyone else-I know it’s me. I just feel like no one cares.
I know what’s wrong with me: I have no plan. I have no drive or direction for my life. I am eating, breathing, and taking up space right now instead of actually living my life, doing things I love. I have no aim because the last time I though I had a purpose, I failed and disappointed myself. That’s really it, y’all. I haven’t completely applied myself to anything since my senior year in high school because of a few small disappointments in college that have snowballed into something bigger than I can truly wrap my mind around. I have been hibernating for four years.
Katie B., I know exactly how you feel-I feel so out of place now, it’s unreal. I think you and I are the only people who can actually grasp the loneliness that this entails. I should be graduating this semester. I am supposed to be preparing for medical school in the fall because I am supposed to have a stupendous MCAT score and med school application. On May 18, 2007, I am supposed to walk across the stage and receive a Bachelor’s of Science in pre-professional chemistry from LSU. I am also supposed to be a University Medalist with a 4.0 grade point average throughout my time here. I am super involved in many worthwhile organizations, I am in a fraternity with amazing brothers, and my family, friends, and amazing fiancé are so amazingly proud of me for being such a big success at everything I’ve done.
How much of that plan have I accomplished? I am not graduating, and I probably will not be able to graduate for some time. I am not going to medical school because of my folly as a college student who does not apply himself, and I will most likely have to abandon that lifelong dream forever now. I will not do well enough this semester to get back into Basic Sciences, so the chemistry degree is wishful thinking. I am not even going to comment on my horrendous GPA. As for involvement, if I didn’t have Silver Wings and the SWingers in my life, I would be even more unhappy than I am now. Fraternity? I tried that and failed, and I am so sad that I enjoyed Greek life for such a short time. I cannot possibly imagine that my family and friends could be truly proud of me at this point. And fiancé? Yeah, I took that leap of faith and fell right on my face.
WHEN AM I GOING TO WAKE UP AND GET BACK TO LIVING MY LIFE?! I hate to say this, but none of you even know half of how amazing I really am inside! I miss competition!!! I had to compete against six other amazing folks in high school to be the best and receive top honors and awards. I miss that drive, that will to be the absolute best in everything that I undertake. If y’all had known me then…what a great guy I was. I am a mere shadow of who I once was.
I want to enjoy life again!!! I want to spend time with the people who actually matter, soak up the sun, go to the beach, be the life of the party wherever I go, enjoy people’s company, read books for fun, play video games, compete in everything I undertake and come out on top, be popular, be the best friend I can, make a difference in the community, laugh, cook, sing, dance, cry when I need to, ride around town with my friends and have my windows down blaring the radio to something pop-like on the radio while acting crazy, ignore the small stuff, keep my room so clean it makes people sick, speak my mind no matter what the situation, be so constantly cheery that people hate me for it, look like a ROCKSTAR while being smart, studying, and doing well in school, just be ME!!! Just typing this paragraph has made me feel like my old (very, very old) self again, and that’s wonderfully exciting!
I need a hug. I need many hugs. Real hugs that can make a person’s day. I need someone to tell me that I am crazy and that I invent my own problems and that I need to wake up and realize that I have people in my life that I can turn to for support, people I can open up to without being afraid of being shunned or abandoned.
Wow, I’m pathetic.
I have always hated this time of year with every fiber of my person. Final exam week makes me sick to my stomach because I never do as well as I need-want, really-to do. Every single finals week I have experienced since being an LSU student has made me feel absolutely horrible about myself, not only mentally/academically but physically and emotionally as well. I have been hearing that this is a widespread sentiment for everyone, but I’m not so sure that it is.
I’m writing this LJ entry so I don’t have (another) complete emotional breakdown especially since I am around other people, friends-more so acquaintances-who wouldn’t understand how I’m feeling. I have 3 exams today, and I feel like I’m going to do horribly on all of them. I always get this feeling, but I really don’t know if it’s genuine this time.
I know many people I know think I have been MIA as of late. I haven’t been around on purpose because I feel like a burden to everyone now. If I’ve been a sub-par or bad friend lately, I sincerely apologize.
So many things are weighing on me emotionally and mentally right now. I haven’t been honest with myself about it-and I will deny it to the end if confronted-but I am so horribly depressed it hurts. Everything and every day hurts for me. I cry so much that my eyes feel constantly exhausted. So what’s bothering me?
My mom is sick. I have to face that fact. Being sad about it will not make it better, but it feels like the only thing I can do now. It feels even worse to think that if I feel this horrible about the whole situation how must she feel about it-lost, alone, devastated. I know I have said absolutely revolting things about my mother, but I retract all of those things now.
I am in so much debt that I have trouble sleeping at night. I owe Old Navy, Wal-Mart, Express, American Eagle, Dell, Capital One, Silver Wings, and some very generous friends a great deal of money. It is always on my mind; I can’t enjoy anything anymore because I am constantly worrying about my finances (or lack thereof, I suppose).
I miss my family and my dogs. The only family I have had constant contact with during the past semester are my grandparents. I haven’t spoken with anyone else in my family on a regular basis if at all this spring. That makes me truly sad. I feel guilty because I have only made small efforts to stay in touch, but I am angry and hurt at the same time-for once, I’d like to be the one who receives the call, not the one who makes it.
I’ve lost touch with so many friends this past semester. Life has just been so dreadfully crazy; I don’t know what happened. If I haven’t completely lost contact with people, I see them very infrequently now. And our exchanges have become very polite and cold if anything. I feel horrible about all of this. I know friendship is a compromise on each person’s part, but I feel so hopeless about so many relationships I have with people right now. I just want to be naïve about everything and have amazing people back in my life because, frankly, I feel utterly alone right now. Yes, there are people I spend some small amounts of time with currently, but I am so frightened to get closer with any of these people because I don’t want to scare them away. I know I am a lot to deal with, but I wish I could overcome this constant fear of abandonment that I’ve harbored for the past year or so. Basically, I want to be completely open with my friends, but I feel as though I can’t because I am so hypersensitive and emotional about so many things. It is such a terrifying thought that I may be reverting back to the hermit-like ways and practices that I held so dearly in middle and high schools. Is it the fact that no once cares, or is it that I don’t trust people to care?
The past few weeks have been very odd for me. I walk into rooms filled with people with whom I normally feel great around, appreciated, loved. Now, I feel alone in those rooms with those people. I feel like a face in the crowd like nothing I will ever accomplish will make me stand out and show people that I am a worthwhile individual. I feel invisible. I am not blaming anyone else-I know it’s me. I just feel like no one cares.
I know what’s wrong with me: I have no plan. I have no drive or direction for my life. I am eating, breathing, and taking up space right now instead of actually living my life, doing things I love. I have no aim because the last time I though I had a purpose, I failed and disappointed myself. That’s really it, y’all. I haven’t completely applied myself to anything since my senior year in high school because of a few small disappointments in college that have snowballed into something bigger than I can truly wrap my mind around. I have been hibernating for four years.
Katie B., I know exactly how you feel-I feel so out of place now, it’s unreal. I think you and I are the only people who can actually grasp the loneliness that this entails. I should be graduating this semester. I am supposed to be preparing for medical school in the fall because I am supposed to have a stupendous MCAT score and med school application. On May 18, 2007, I am supposed to walk across the stage and receive a Bachelor’s of Science in pre-professional chemistry from LSU. I am also supposed to be a University Medalist with a 4.0 grade point average throughout my time here. I am super involved in many worthwhile organizations, I am in a fraternity with amazing brothers, and my family, friends, and amazing fiancé are so amazingly proud of me for being such a big success at everything I’ve done.
How much of that plan have I accomplished? I am not graduating, and I probably will not be able to graduate for some time. I am not going to medical school because of my folly as a college student who does not apply himself, and I will most likely have to abandon that lifelong dream forever now. I will not do well enough this semester to get back into Basic Sciences, so the chemistry degree is wishful thinking. I am not even going to comment on my horrendous GPA. As for involvement, if I didn’t have Silver Wings and the SWingers in my life, I would be even more unhappy than I am now. Fraternity? I tried that and failed, and I am so sad that I enjoyed Greek life for such a short time. I cannot possibly imagine that my family and friends could be truly proud of me at this point. And fiancé? Yeah, I took that leap of faith and fell right on my face.
WHEN AM I GOING TO WAKE UP AND GET BACK TO LIVING MY LIFE?! I hate to say this, but none of you even know half of how amazing I really am inside! I miss competition!!! I had to compete against six other amazing folks in high school to be the best and receive top honors and awards. I miss that drive, that will to be the absolute best in everything that I undertake. If y’all had known me then…what a great guy I was. I am a mere shadow of who I once was.
I want to enjoy life again!!! I want to spend time with the people who actually matter, soak up the sun, go to the beach, be the life of the party wherever I go, enjoy people’s company, read books for fun, play video games, compete in everything I undertake and come out on top, be popular, be the best friend I can, make a difference in the community, laugh, cook, sing, dance, cry when I need to, ride around town with my friends and have my windows down blaring the radio to something pop-like on the radio while acting crazy, ignore the small stuff, keep my room so clean it makes people sick, speak my mind no matter what the situation, be so constantly cheery that people hate me for it, look like a ROCKSTAR while being smart, studying, and doing well in school, just be ME!!! Just typing this paragraph has made me feel like my old (very, very old) self again, and that’s wonderfully exciting!
I need a hug. I need many hugs. Real hugs that can make a person’s day. I need someone to tell me that I am crazy and that I invent my own problems and that I need to wake up and realize that I have people in my life that I can turn to for support, people I can open up to without being afraid of being shunned or abandoned.
Wow, I’m pathetic.