one last cry
be careful, this entry is rather long. i also sound like i'm rambling to myself. just a warning :)
since spring break, i've had a lot of time to myself to just THINK. it's been a while since i've had the free time to do something thinking on my own...i used to think a little TOO much, but i finally got busy enough that other things preoccupied my mind. when you're not busy, do you start to think? about random things in your life? well, that's me.
LOVING IN A NONCHRISTIAN WORLD
i've always been taught that christianity isn't a set of "rules". but this week, i was feeling more and more like in terms of relationships, i'm so bound by the rules of christianity. if you're confused, here's what i mean:
as a christian girl, i'm taught to believe that 1)guys take the intiative and 2)you wait on God. now, i believe these things, but at the same time, they are both so constricting in a sense. that means, i can't ever intiate with a guy. i'll be honest, yeah, i've thought about intiating dtrs with guys i've liked, but i never did cuz i felt like it was a guy's responsibility and i also didn't want to be hit with the "i dont' think it's God's will, etc."
which brings me to my point: if i were nonchristian girl, i woulda have intiated SO much in my past. i wouldn't be afraid to tell a guy i liked him, without having to worry about whether or not it was God's will. and hey, if he didn't like me, that's fine. at least i tried. whereas now being a christian, i feel like don't have the freedom to ever tell a guy i like him unless he tells me first. catch my drift?
now, i'm not saying that i WANT to be a nonchristian, but these were just things that i've thought about, and perhaps even wished, but i wouldn't trade it for my relationship with Christ.
ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP THING
i've been hurt a lot in the past, so along with the previously stated thoughts, i also thought about whether or not i should have ever told my crushes that i've liked them. well, tehy weren't "crushes", they were a lot more than that. i mean, when i like guy, i like them for long periods of time. like...at least a year.
a few days ago, i saw that episode of Friends where rachel wants to tell ross that she still has feelings for him (even though he's still trying to patch things up with his almost-married-to-him-fiance Emily, the london girl). everyone told rachel not to tell him about it, but she ended up doing it. so yeah, i was thinking to myself that there are a few guys i wish i could tell...i mean, i spent that much time liking them, don't i have a right to tell them about it? granted, some of them already have girlfriends currently or even had girlfriends while i was liking them.
i feel like if i told them, i'd be getting something off my chest. know what i mean? i'd hate to think i went through life and i never was able to let anyone know how i felt about them. that kinda sucks, doesn't it?? cuz seriusly, how do you get over someone when you can't forget how much you liked them? how much time/emotion/heart you put into liking them? i dont' think you can control your feelings about someone. it just happens. just like you can't control who you love. (or is that really not true?) cuz wow, if you know how you can control it, tell me so i wouldn't have to go through similar things in the future. have you ever thought about stuff like that? i mean, everyone's experienced heartache before...so did you ever tell the other person how you felt?
i know, everyone says that there are consequences to telling someone how you feel about them, and i agree. but at the same time, are there not personal consequences for NOT telling them? ie - it's harder to get over the hurt. you'll always remember it. i mean, in my past, there was an experience where i had wondered, "if i had told him how i felt, would he have liked me back? or at least CONSIDERED liking me?" and yeah, i know it's not typical "christian" thinking, but hey, i'm human, that's how humans think, i think? we're all selfish, we all want to benefit, and we all wish our own dreams will come true.
fat chance.
okay anyway, enough about relationships. just that i had a lot of time during spring break to think about previous things/mistakes/wishes in my life.
PAST HURTS = GREATEST MINISTRY
i read in a book before that "your deepest hurt is your greatest ministry". now thinking about it, it is SO true for me. i think my strongest area of ministry is working with youth. i started doing that my sophomore year in college and i haven't stopped a single year since then.
how was that my deepest hurt? well, when i was in high school, we had a high school fellowship, but i'll admit, i didn't like it. i didn't feel welcome even though i'd grown up at whcc, and i felt like the christian "friends" i had were worse friends than my nonchristian ones from school. also, i hated how our fellowship was so "clique-ish" (even though every church is like that, so it's kinda inevitable), and i was always able to spot those people who were left out.
after i started working with youth in austin, i started to realize that God had really blessed me with the gift of building relationships with them. i found it so easy to talk to them about anything personal, spiritual and random. i enjoyed every moment spent with them, getting to know them, and realizing that there is much to learn from both sides.
i dont' know, it might be because i'm immature that i can relate to youth easily...who knows. i'm young at heart. i don't mind spending more time with them than the normal sunday hours. in fact, i'd RATHER spend time wiht them outside of church. how else do you expect to build a relationship/friendship without putting in the hours? one thing i realized growing up is that as a youth, you just want a friend. and that's what i wanted to be. a friend for those who need a shoulder, a friend for those who want to hang out, or..just a friend without having to worry about an age difference.
when it comes to youth ministry, i'm happiest there, and i wnat to continue serving there. i've seen how God is able to work through me even when i don't know it, and how even at my worst times in life, God uses them to encourage me and vice versa. yeah, i'm older, but at least then i've been through enough of life that i can relate to them. i mean, dude, i was once a teenager too. with the same problems.
if anything, my experiences have not been similar at all to fellow christians i know. i'm full of stories; i have a story about everything. each story is an experiene in my life i went through where God taught me something, and i'm not afraid to share it.
if there's anything youth have learned about me, it's just that. i'm not afraid to be honest, open and vulnerable with them. you want to know about my past hurts? i'll tell you. want to know struggles that i've overcome or am still working on? just ask. want to know the things i went through in my spiritual life? get in line. i'm like an open book. you just gotta take the time to read.
anyway, okay that was my little blurb about working with the youth. they really inspire me, and hopefully they are learning from me as i learn fro them too.
*SHOUTOUT to my austin babes: christie & jessica, who make me realize that it's all been worth it. and also a SHOUTOUT to whcc youth worship team, whom i've enjoyed working with and chillaxin' with. you guys make me wanna siiiiing!!! :)
random thoughts:
- last week, i used that electric flyswatter all around the house. everytime my parents opened the front door, all these bugs would fly in. i finally got annoyed and started electrocuting them unmercifully. you can ask my aunt. even if it was already dead, i'd pick it up, put it on the fly swatter and frrrry away! then give them a water burial to douse their burning legs.
- i'm sooooo tired, and hungry, even though i kinda feel full too. weird.
- can you believe that by october this year, i would have had this online journal for THREE full years?!?! i wish i could print out all my journal entries, but that'd be a lot of wasted ink. but maybe... if you get a chance, go check out some of my old entires...they're kinda random and funny.
since spring break, i've had a lot of time to myself to just THINK. it's been a while since i've had the free time to do something thinking on my own...i used to think a little TOO much, but i finally got busy enough that other things preoccupied my mind. when you're not busy, do you start to think? about random things in your life? well, that's me.
LOVING IN A NONCHRISTIAN WORLD
i've always been taught that christianity isn't a set of "rules". but this week, i was feeling more and more like in terms of relationships, i'm so bound by the rules of christianity. if you're confused, here's what i mean:
as a christian girl, i'm taught to believe that 1)guys take the intiative and 2)you wait on God. now, i believe these things, but at the same time, they are both so constricting in a sense. that means, i can't ever intiate with a guy. i'll be honest, yeah, i've thought about intiating dtrs with guys i've liked, but i never did cuz i felt like it was a guy's responsibility and i also didn't want to be hit with the "i dont' think it's God's will, etc."
which brings me to my point: if i were nonchristian girl, i woulda have intiated SO much in my past. i wouldn't be afraid to tell a guy i liked him, without having to worry about whether or not it was God's will. and hey, if he didn't like me, that's fine. at least i tried. whereas now being a christian, i feel like don't have the freedom to ever tell a guy i like him unless he tells me first. catch my drift?
now, i'm not saying that i WANT to be a nonchristian, but these were just things that i've thought about, and perhaps even wished, but i wouldn't trade it for my relationship with Christ.
ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP THING
i've been hurt a lot in the past, so along with the previously stated thoughts, i also thought about whether or not i should have ever told my crushes that i've liked them. well, tehy weren't "crushes", they were a lot more than that. i mean, when i like guy, i like them for long periods of time. like...at least a year.
a few days ago, i saw that episode of Friends where rachel wants to tell ross that she still has feelings for him (even though he's still trying to patch things up with his almost-married-to-him-fiance Emily, the london girl). everyone told rachel not to tell him about it, but she ended up doing it. so yeah, i was thinking to myself that there are a few guys i wish i could tell...i mean, i spent that much time liking them, don't i have a right to tell them about it? granted, some of them already have girlfriends currently or even had girlfriends while i was liking them.
i feel like if i told them, i'd be getting something off my chest. know what i mean? i'd hate to think i went through life and i never was able to let anyone know how i felt about them. that kinda sucks, doesn't it?? cuz seriusly, how do you get over someone when you can't forget how much you liked them? how much time/emotion/heart you put into liking them? i dont' think you can control your feelings about someone. it just happens. just like you can't control who you love. (or is that really not true?) cuz wow, if you know how you can control it, tell me so i wouldn't have to go through similar things in the future. have you ever thought about stuff like that? i mean, everyone's experienced heartache before...so did you ever tell the other person how you felt?
i know, everyone says that there are consequences to telling someone how you feel about them, and i agree. but at the same time, are there not personal consequences for NOT telling them? ie - it's harder to get over the hurt. you'll always remember it. i mean, in my past, there was an experience where i had wondered, "if i had told him how i felt, would he have liked me back? or at least CONSIDERED liking me?" and yeah, i know it's not typical "christian" thinking, but hey, i'm human, that's how humans think, i think? we're all selfish, we all want to benefit, and we all wish our own dreams will come true.
fat chance.
okay anyway, enough about relationships. just that i had a lot of time during spring break to think about previous things/mistakes/wishes in my life.
PAST HURTS = GREATEST MINISTRY
i read in a book before that "your deepest hurt is your greatest ministry". now thinking about it, it is SO true for me. i think my strongest area of ministry is working with youth. i started doing that my sophomore year in college and i haven't stopped a single year since then.
how was that my deepest hurt? well, when i was in high school, we had a high school fellowship, but i'll admit, i didn't like it. i didn't feel welcome even though i'd grown up at whcc, and i felt like the christian "friends" i had were worse friends than my nonchristian ones from school. also, i hated how our fellowship was so "clique-ish" (even though every church is like that, so it's kinda inevitable), and i was always able to spot those people who were left out.
after i started working with youth in austin, i started to realize that God had really blessed me with the gift of building relationships with them. i found it so easy to talk to them about anything personal, spiritual and random. i enjoyed every moment spent with them, getting to know them, and realizing that there is much to learn from both sides.
i dont' know, it might be because i'm immature that i can relate to youth easily...who knows. i'm young at heart. i don't mind spending more time with them than the normal sunday hours. in fact, i'd RATHER spend time wiht them outside of church. how else do you expect to build a relationship/friendship without putting in the hours? one thing i realized growing up is that as a youth, you just want a friend. and that's what i wanted to be. a friend for those who need a shoulder, a friend for those who want to hang out, or..just a friend without having to worry about an age difference.
when it comes to youth ministry, i'm happiest there, and i wnat to continue serving there. i've seen how God is able to work through me even when i don't know it, and how even at my worst times in life, God uses them to encourage me and vice versa. yeah, i'm older, but at least then i've been through enough of life that i can relate to them. i mean, dude, i was once a teenager too. with the same problems.
if anything, my experiences have not been similar at all to fellow christians i know. i'm full of stories; i have a story about everything. each story is an experiene in my life i went through where God taught me something, and i'm not afraid to share it.
if there's anything youth have learned about me, it's just that. i'm not afraid to be honest, open and vulnerable with them. you want to know about my past hurts? i'll tell you. want to know struggles that i've overcome or am still working on? just ask. want to know the things i went through in my spiritual life? get in line. i'm like an open book. you just gotta take the time to read.
anyway, okay that was my little blurb about working with the youth. they really inspire me, and hopefully they are learning from me as i learn fro them too.
*SHOUTOUT to my austin babes: christie & jessica, who make me realize that it's all been worth it. and also a SHOUTOUT to whcc youth worship team, whom i've enjoyed working with and chillaxin' with. you guys make me wanna siiiiing!!! :)
random thoughts:
- last week, i used that electric flyswatter all around the house. everytime my parents opened the front door, all these bugs would fly in. i finally got annoyed and started electrocuting them unmercifully. you can ask my aunt. even if it was already dead, i'd pick it up, put it on the fly swatter and frrrry away! then give them a water burial to douse their burning legs.
- i'm sooooo tired, and hungry, even though i kinda feel full too. weird.
- can you believe that by october this year, i would have had this online journal for THREE full years?!?! i wish i could print out all my journal entries, but that'd be a lot of wasted ink. but maybe... if you get a chance, go check out some of my old entires...they're kinda random and funny.