ok here it goes

[bubblistic]

havent updated in forever...these past few weeks have been so ...eventful i guess? well i made up w/ a girl at school that has hated me for forever and a day and it honestly should have made me so happy, ud kno if u knew about the situation, and i guess it did...but like i dont feel like lifes better now, i thought like maybe once i took care of all the people i had problems w/ then id feel better somehow. anyways so that was cool but i started kind of seeing someone, and i am like at this point ive never been at before where id really appreciate being in a relationship w/ sum1 else cuz i think i need it like emotionally, and ive never felt that way before. so i like started seeing him and things were like definitly steadily heading in the right direction, and i havent been like that excited about a boy or a relationship since this summer, but saturday he got into a ton of trouble and hes gonna have a lot of shit to deal w/ now, w/ his life and all that and im sure that if we had any of chance of liek starting anything it probably just came to like a screeching hault, and if u understood the situation u would kno thats understandable...but it still sucks really bad..i honestly have never been so genuinely just sad that this one didnt really go anywhere, ive never been in a serious relationship b4 and i think i was definitly ready 2 see where this one took me. o well i guess. and i also realized that i never hae a chance w. the only other person...the person i liked all this sumemr and b4,and hes the only other person i would want anything w/.so im a little distraught because i dont see myself being really happy or fulfilled anytime soon, and i kno that being happy is up 2 me and i shouldnt depend on happiness from any1 else, but its hard sumtimes i guess. and so saturday i went to brandons and i should have had SUCH a good time, but i didnt and almost like started crying by the time i was home, it was ridiculous, i just feel like so unhappy w/ myself, like i think ppl dont see me the way i wish they could, like happy and calm and nice, and its my fault fro not showing that side of me enough, but its the worst feeling in the world to know taht sum1 thinks ur like a bitch or weird or a snob or anything negative like that, and maybe im being paranoid cuz its not liek people tell me im that way, but i defintly get teh feeling that thats how im kind of percieved. in reality like everyone else i just wnat 2 be understood and all that bullshit, but its hard 2 show, and the more i think ppl wont like me or respond to me the way i want, the more i dont bother to show what im like. so today was a very melancholoy day,a nd im guessing this whole week will be unless sumthing nice and cool happens out of nowhere, but i dont see that in the near future...mostly b/c theres liek nuthing to fix or make better, im just generally unhappy and i dont see what it is that will make me happy. god,lol why does it all seem so complicated, and at the same time so simple???// i dunno, ive rambled for long enough, so goodbye ppl who read my journal, hopefully u dont feel liek u have as much as a boring melodramatic life as me!!!!!!!!!!1jk

peace livejournalers and friendssss