making posts without using uppercase
alright
up until the part where suddenly now with classes i have obviously more things to do than time with which to do them (instead of previously, when it was only secretly more such things), times have been pretty intense in terms of personal growth. thankfully, due to a subset of my classes starting two weeks late, the rhythms of routine that i need to catch up with are appearing only gradually instead of by storm, so it seems in order to take stock now before settling in to the busy season.
rntz remarked at one point that having too much to do can be an indicator of doing too much for other people. i speculated that it may also be an indicator of doing too much for myself. this has been bouncing around in my head for a while as i go about my chores and errands.
fixing self-confidence problems - which i told myself i'd do this year - is a long, slow, rewarding struggle. in some ways i am starting to get the hang of it and in some ways i still feel out of control.
i tend to think of self-confidence (my notion of some external perception of my worth, especially as applies to social interaction) and self-esteem (how good i alone think i am at something and/or how content i am at being myself) are separate things. i say that notionally i have bad self-confidence and good self-esteem, largely because things that tend to trigger crises are always of the former category (especially spending other people's time to fix a screw-up of mine, such as misplacing a movie ticket or replacing my server's hard drives). but it seems like once something sets me off, both confidence and esteem suffer - so i'm sort of blurring the line in this post.
one of the key steps that i'm trying to exercise most is a feeling i haven't got a word for. partly it's a strange sort of joy in feeling proud of being "vulnerable" (proud of having feelings?), to replace the previous shame and anxiety about same. for example, if something troubles me, coping with it is no longer about sucking it up and dealing with it, but instead about having the confidence to seek support (from friends, or from myself, or ...) so i can make the problem go away - to have faith that i {am not defined by, can defeat} my problems, sort of a solidarity-with-myself (which in turn enables better feelings of "security-in-vulnerability"). the other part of the exercise is to stop taking myself for granted: i am not just some random person whose life i am stuck with living, but actually somebody whose company i should enjoy for its own sake. getting better at this should make healthier (i.e., increase enjoyment of) my dependence on other people's company for emotional stability.
complicated feelings beget complicated sentence structure, apparently.
even little things that i usually take for granted are helping with this. learning to braid my own hair, for example, gives a sense of control, hints at the fact that i'm in charge of the way i express myself.
for another example, i was talking with sully about the merits of livejournal as a place to read interesting things vs as a place to read people's posts about how sad they are, and at one point he asked if i ever wrote posts without any capital letters (which of course is true). i watched myself react: i don't particularly have my heart set on typing in lowercase, but i do because it seems - at least to me - a good way to convey tone. still, discussing it felt like something shaming, as though instead i should somehow have preempted all possible reasons for me to feel ridiculed.
even writing a post about all this is a cause to feel upset and anxious. someday, all these may stop bothering me.
up until the part where suddenly now with classes i have obviously more things to do than time with which to do them (instead of previously, when it was only secretly more such things), times have been pretty intense in terms of personal growth. thankfully, due to a subset of my classes starting two weeks late, the rhythms of routine that i need to catch up with are appearing only gradually instead of by storm, so it seems in order to take stock now before settling in to the busy season.
rntz remarked at one point that having too much to do can be an indicator of doing too much for other people. i speculated that it may also be an indicator of doing too much for myself. this has been bouncing around in my head for a while as i go about my chores and errands.
fixing self-confidence problems - which i told myself i'd do this year - is a long, slow, rewarding struggle. in some ways i am starting to get the hang of it and in some ways i still feel out of control.
i tend to think of self-confidence (my notion of some external perception of my worth, especially as applies to social interaction) and self-esteem (how good i alone think i am at something and/or how content i am at being myself) are separate things. i say that notionally i have bad self-confidence and good self-esteem, largely because things that tend to trigger crises are always of the former category (especially spending other people's time to fix a screw-up of mine, such as misplacing a movie ticket or replacing my server's hard drives). but it seems like once something sets me off, both confidence and esteem suffer - so i'm sort of blurring the line in this post.
one of the key steps that i'm trying to exercise most is a feeling i haven't got a word for. partly it's a strange sort of joy in feeling proud of being "vulnerable" (proud of having feelings?), to replace the previous shame and anxiety about same. for example, if something troubles me, coping with it is no longer about sucking it up and dealing with it, but instead about having the confidence to seek support (from friends, or from myself, or ...) so i can make the problem go away - to have faith that i {am not defined by, can defeat} my problems, sort of a solidarity-with-myself (which in turn enables better feelings of "security-in-vulnerability"). the other part of the exercise is to stop taking myself for granted: i am not just some random person whose life i am stuck with living, but actually somebody whose company i should enjoy for its own sake. getting better at this should make healthier (i.e., increase enjoyment of) my dependence on other people's company for emotional stability.
complicated feelings beget complicated sentence structure, apparently.
even little things that i usually take for granted are helping with this. learning to braid my own hair, for example, gives a sense of control, hints at the fact that i'm in charge of the way i express myself.
for another example, i was talking with sully about the merits of livejournal as a place to read interesting things vs as a place to read people's posts about how sad they are, and at one point he asked if i ever wrote posts without any capital letters (which of course is true). i watched myself react: i don't particularly have my heart set on typing in lowercase, but i do because it seems - at least to me - a good way to convey tone. still, discussing it felt like something shaming, as though instead i should somehow have preempted all possible reasons for me to feel ridiculed.
even writing a post about all this is a cause to feel upset and anxious. someday, all these may stop bothering me.