ever feel alive, and you've nothing missing?
there is one thing that most frequently stands in the way of me having truly happy episodes, and it is this: whenever i come across something pleasant, my impulsive reaction is always to think/fantasize about how i could have an even better experience later by remembering or recreating or something the good stimulus that i've got a hold of in the present.
this can be a little inconvenient some times and really crippling at others. (for perspective, the last time i was really blissful about something and this nag wasn't in my way at all was about a month and a half ago.)
the other day i was walking across campus barefoot, and happened across a patch of grass that had still unevaporated morning dew on it. "this is great," i thought, "it's like my feet found an old friend that i never otherwise think about." but then i immediately thought, well, this would be even better if i did it again with good company, or if i told someone about it (well, great. here i am, no happier). and then it was too late, i had stopped feeling nothing but the dew underfoot, and the moment was gone.
the time this is really crippling is when i find myself developing a crush on someone. i always know i'd be happier being content with the friendship that already exists than by worrying about what could be. but poisonous thoughts come unbidden, and i end up spending far too much energy battling with myself: "look at yourself, you'll never be happy if you keep thinking this way." "but-! but-!" occasionally there are moments of lucidity, and i feel very at peace, but i still have to wonder how much more energy i'd have to give to, well, everything...
i was bussing my plates after dinner today, and in the café there was a bouncy song playing. so my walk slowed and turned into a bit of a jig-shuffle, complete with hip and shoulder wiggling. (doing this spontaneously is a great way to fight self-consciousness.) after i'd turned in my dishes, i caught out of the corner of my eye that a girl sitting alone nearby had flashed me an extremely adorable smile. as i was walking out, i turned back to make sure, and she gave the same smile again, so i gave one back. walking away i felt immensely pleased. but then (as you might have guessed) that one part of me decided it had to fantasize about what if this person sits there again tomorrow just so we can flirt for that moment and smile at each other again? why wasn't i satisfied? i had a one-time experience that was perfect if i chose to just take it as it was -- shouldn't that be enough?
is this a curse of the human condition, or is there something to be done here?
this can be a little inconvenient some times and really crippling at others. (for perspective, the last time i was really blissful about something and this nag wasn't in my way at all was about a month and a half ago.)
the other day i was walking across campus barefoot, and happened across a patch of grass that had still unevaporated morning dew on it. "this is great," i thought, "it's like my feet found an old friend that i never otherwise think about." but then i immediately thought, well, this would be even better if i did it again with good company, or if i told someone about it (well, great. here i am, no happier). and then it was too late, i had stopped feeling nothing but the dew underfoot, and the moment was gone.
the time this is really crippling is when i find myself developing a crush on someone. i always know i'd be happier being content with the friendship that already exists than by worrying about what could be. but poisonous thoughts come unbidden, and i end up spending far too much energy battling with myself: "look at yourself, you'll never be happy if you keep thinking this way." "but-! but-!" occasionally there are moments of lucidity, and i feel very at peace, but i still have to wonder how much more energy i'd have to give to, well, everything...
i was bussing my plates after dinner today, and in the café there was a bouncy song playing. so my walk slowed and turned into a bit of a jig-shuffle, complete with hip and shoulder wiggling. (doing this spontaneously is a great way to fight self-consciousness.) after i'd turned in my dishes, i caught out of the corner of my eye that a girl sitting alone nearby had flashed me an extremely adorable smile. as i was walking out, i turned back to make sure, and she gave the same smile again, so i gave one back. walking away i felt immensely pleased. but then (as you might have guessed) that one part of me decided it had to fantasize about what if this person sits there again tomorrow just so we can flirt for that moment and smile at each other again? why wasn't i satisfied? i had a one-time experience that was perfect if i chose to just take it as it was -- shouldn't that be enough?
is this a curse of the human condition, or is there something to be done here?