I've been holding out for love ever since I had a heart...
Sweet God!
I don't know if I can deal with this. This liking someone, wanting to know them even more, then not getting anywhere. But is it really them who've put up the blockade, or was it me? Was it my testing? Sometimes I can turn cold and stand-offish without meaning to, especially to new people. It's the test. I don't mean too.
But still...all I keep thinking about when my mind wanders to this person is, "What the hell am I thinking?" Because normally, this isn't me. This person I am actting like who wants to know someone, wants to start something with them. This isn't who I am. And even when I try to turn off whatever this is, I can't. It starts running even harder.
And all I keep thinking is that I'm going to be let down if I don't quit. If whatever is inside of me doesn't stop, I'm going to get hurt. Because he doesn't. Because he's obviously much smarter than I am, or at least knows how to turn off parts of himself. I am still learning the turning off.
But this part of me... This is totally new. I'm confused by it.
And I keep thinking, what if this is all a mistake? What if in the end I'll only like this person for like a few months and then I'll get bored. But seriously? How often does that happen with me? I'll tell you, never. When I like someone it's usually a logical thing. It's usually something I think about. I can usually trust myself with those things. But yeah, I know I'm right here. And if it were under different circumstances it would probably be working out better.
But, oh Hell, I of all people know that there is no such thing as better circumstances. There is the circumstances you get, and whatever you choose to do is all you get. Myself, has choosen to like this person. Maybe that's all I get.
Who knows?
I don't know if I can deal with this. This liking someone, wanting to know them even more, then not getting anywhere. But is it really them who've put up the blockade, or was it me? Was it my testing? Sometimes I can turn cold and stand-offish without meaning to, especially to new people. It's the test. I don't mean too.
But still...all I keep thinking about when my mind wanders to this person is, "What the hell am I thinking?" Because normally, this isn't me. This person I am actting like who wants to know someone, wants to start something with them. This isn't who I am. And even when I try to turn off whatever this is, I can't. It starts running even harder.
And all I keep thinking is that I'm going to be let down if I don't quit. If whatever is inside of me doesn't stop, I'm going to get hurt. Because he doesn't. Because he's obviously much smarter than I am, or at least knows how to turn off parts of himself. I am still learning the turning off.
But this part of me... This is totally new. I'm confused by it.
And I keep thinking, what if this is all a mistake? What if in the end I'll only like this person for like a few months and then I'll get bored. But seriously? How often does that happen with me? I'll tell you, never. When I like someone it's usually a logical thing. It's usually something I think about. I can usually trust myself with those things. But yeah, I know I'm right here. And if it were under different circumstances it would probably be working out better.
But, oh Hell, I of all people know that there is no such thing as better circumstances. There is the circumstances you get, and whatever you choose to do is all you get. Myself, has choosen to like this person. Maybe that's all I get.
Who knows?
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