Go go Booghey Bunch!
Blah blah blah
have you seen my ishkabibblies?
You won't be dissapointed!
So I've been horribly upset for the past um...month prolly. I'm just so god damned sick of people I love making me feel second best, or almost important enough. So I've been crying nightly and taking things a lot harder. Not sleeping - at all.
Adam and I weren't in a good position to began with and now I have this horrible memory of what happened and all I can do is sit and wonder, "What's so wrong with me?"
Seriously. How come this shit always happens to me? It's like someone's trying to tell me that I'll never be the most important to someone so I might as well just stop trying.
I have to say, I am really sick of trying. I don't deserve it to be this hard.
WHAT THE FUCK! Obviously no one thinks about how I feel at all. Never. Never do my feelings come up. It's never, "Megan I'll do anything to make you feel better?" or "Megan I'm sorry about how I made you feel."
It's always me saying, "I love you and I want you to be happy." and "I just want to know what you're thinking because I want to know how that makes you feel." (of course when I get upset it's like "How do you think it feels to be hurt, asshole?" "What do you want me to do, dumbass?" - but that's only when I ask nicely and I don't get a response.)
It's always talk, talk, talk, no action. everyone talks, they talk, they make you promises and then they avoid them. Avoiding is breaking. OMY FUCK! Is it that enjoyable for everyone to hurt me? I'm so sick of loving people - I'm so sick of being hurt because of it. I see all these other people and they're so fucking happy because no one has hurt them, no one has cheated, no one has omitted. I just wish i could be one of the people who are lucky enough to never experience that.
I'm not saying that I haven't made my own mistakes, but at the time when I was doing them I didn't realize they were mistakes. I thought, and I was so sick of the thought that someone was going to leave me for someone else again - I wanted to have someone to make me forget it ever happened when it was all over.
I don't even wish I could be ignorant and innocent again, I just wish it never happened. I just feel like a child again. Always getting abused for telling the truth or doing the right thing. No one ever praised me as a child. No one ever said I was, "doing a good job." or "honest." I was always the liar, always the bad kid. And I never did anything except want my family back! And I always got yelled and and told I was worthless...since as far back as I care to remember. Stuff like this makes me not want to love, I'm so scared of just being hurt.
Everytime some did what Adam did for example it hurt worse then anytime I ever got hit. Even when I got thrown across the room, and crushed by my fucking dresser. I'd rather be beaten to death then be hurt. JUST STOP. stop...stop crying. I just don't wanna think.
I don't wanna feel bad anymore. I just wanna forgive. So badly. But how do I? I've forgiven before...but it's never stuck this long. It's never hurt this badly, and it's been worse!
I just want someone to hold be who I KNOW is sincere to me...but I don't think I have that person anywhere.
I just wish I could simpe all the fucking memories out...I just want to pretend it never happened
but it did. Someone who I thought was perfect, and would never ever hurt me. blantantly broke my heart in the worst way. So this is what I have to show for being hurt all my life, the love of my life betraying me? I don't get repaid? I don't get to be happy? I used to always think that I would get mine when everyone who hurt me would get hurt, but god damn it everyone who's ever hurt me is happy right now! And I'm hurt again.
The rest of my life better be perfect, Karma. You owe me. I'm sick of waiting, and being polite. I just want to be happy.
For the love of god, I can't imagine myself with anyone else, I can't even think of another guy as attractive. But Adam he can...I don't even want to go into what Adam can do. Way to pay me back Karma. And omg...I wish if found someone attractive i'd be paying adam back big time.
I don't think he still fully comprehends how it feels when someone does what he did to me. then maybe he still wouldn't be mad when I still get frustrated over it, or am sarcastic or depressed..
if he knew...he wouldn't of done it. if he really really cared he wouldn't of done it. And that's what hurts the most - that i love him so much and I know he won't ever love me as much as I love him
No one will ever love me, or appreciate me as much as I do for them.
I just want love in return. From someone. Anyone. I just want to feel appreciated. Cared about.
have you seen my ishkabibblies?
You won't be dissapointed!
So I've been horribly upset for the past um...month prolly. I'm just so god damned sick of people I love making me feel second best, or almost important enough. So I've been crying nightly and taking things a lot harder. Not sleeping - at all.
Adam and I weren't in a good position to began with and now I have this horrible memory of what happened and all I can do is sit and wonder, "What's so wrong with me?"
Seriously. How come this shit always happens to me? It's like someone's trying to tell me that I'll never be the most important to someone so I might as well just stop trying.
I have to say, I am really sick of trying. I don't deserve it to be this hard.
WHAT THE FUCK! Obviously no one thinks about how I feel at all. Never. Never do my feelings come up. It's never, "Megan I'll do anything to make you feel better?" or "Megan I'm sorry about how I made you feel."
It's always me saying, "I love you and I want you to be happy." and "I just want to know what you're thinking because I want to know how that makes you feel." (of course when I get upset it's like "How do you think it feels to be hurt, asshole?" "What do you want me to do, dumbass?" - but that's only when I ask nicely and I don't get a response.)
It's always talk, talk, talk, no action. everyone talks, they talk, they make you promises and then they avoid them. Avoiding is breaking. OMY FUCK! Is it that enjoyable for everyone to hurt me? I'm so sick of loving people - I'm so sick of being hurt because of it. I see all these other people and they're so fucking happy because no one has hurt them, no one has cheated, no one has omitted. I just wish i could be one of the people who are lucky enough to never experience that.
I'm not saying that I haven't made my own mistakes, but at the time when I was doing them I didn't realize they were mistakes. I thought, and I was so sick of the thought that someone was going to leave me for someone else again - I wanted to have someone to make me forget it ever happened when it was all over.
I don't even wish I could be ignorant and innocent again, I just wish it never happened. I just feel like a child again. Always getting abused for telling the truth or doing the right thing. No one ever praised me as a child. No one ever said I was, "doing a good job." or "honest." I was always the liar, always the bad kid. And I never did anything except want my family back! And I always got yelled and and told I was worthless...since as far back as I care to remember. Stuff like this makes me not want to love, I'm so scared of just being hurt.
Everytime some did what Adam did for example it hurt worse then anytime I ever got hit. Even when I got thrown across the room, and crushed by my fucking dresser. I'd rather be beaten to death then be hurt. JUST STOP. stop...stop crying. I just don't wanna think.
I don't wanna feel bad anymore. I just wanna forgive. So badly. But how do I? I've forgiven before...but it's never stuck this long. It's never hurt this badly, and it's been worse!
I just want someone to hold be who I KNOW is sincere to me...but I don't think I have that person anywhere.
I just wish I could simpe all the fucking memories out...I just want to pretend it never happened
but it did. Someone who I thought was perfect, and would never ever hurt me. blantantly broke my heart in the worst way. So this is what I have to show for being hurt all my life, the love of my life betraying me? I don't get repaid? I don't get to be happy? I used to always think that I would get mine when everyone who hurt me would get hurt, but god damn it everyone who's ever hurt me is happy right now! And I'm hurt again.
The rest of my life better be perfect, Karma. You owe me. I'm sick of waiting, and being polite. I just want to be happy.
For the love of god, I can't imagine myself with anyone else, I can't even think of another guy as attractive. But Adam he can...I don't even want to go into what Adam can do. Way to pay me back Karma. And omg...I wish if found someone attractive i'd be paying adam back big time.
I don't think he still fully comprehends how it feels when someone does what he did to me. then maybe he still wouldn't be mad when I still get frustrated over it, or am sarcastic or depressed..
if he knew...he wouldn't of done it. if he really really cared he wouldn't of done it. And that's what hurts the most - that i love him so much and I know he won't ever love me as much as I love him
No one will ever love me, or appreciate me as much as I do for them.
I just want love in return. From someone. Anyone. I just want to feel appreciated. Cared about.