Angst and such. My soul is crying... blah blah blah
It's been awhile, but I thought I would take a quick break from my mounting pile of reading/researching that has become my sole form of existence.
I am confused as to wheter I enjoy being a college student. Well, I know that I enjoy it, it is more accurate to say that I am not sure if I am completly fulfilled by being a college student.
My Peace & Conflict Studies class watched the first half of the movie Heaven & Earth, a graphic account of the Vietnam War. I am extremly shaken. I think of myself as pretty informed on the scale of things. I don't think I am ignorant to the true nature of war and object to the use of war because no human life is worth what leaders claim we gain from fighting eachother. But to have images of murder, rape, & torture on a gigantic screne was too much. I am not angry in any sense that I was "made" to watch it, on the contrary, I quite agree with my professor's sentiment that in order to understand war we must witness it. We must break through all of the glossing over and sanitizing governments do to make war acceptable to the people and see it for what it really is. It is a small pain that I feel in comparison to the pain that exists in war. But I do feel overwhelmed with pain. And sorrow. And I feel helpless.
I have had the same reaccuring nightmare since I was a kid. I am in some emotionally troubling situation, whether it be an eminent death of a loved one, relationship strife, or something else entirely. In this situation I wander around looking for people I know. And my friends and family make guest appearances regularly. It is always something so clear and understandable to me. In one dream I ran into my aunt two months before she died and pleaded with her not to go to Australia. She smiled at me and shook her head and got in a Subaru and drove away. Or I am trapped and I see the exit, but I can't reach, so I'll ask a friend who is taller to help but they don't seem to hear me. My words do nothing. And in every situation I see the solution so clearly but no matter how much I plead and explain and rationalize, the situation never improves. I feel powerless.
And I am eating up the education I am receiving. It's wonderful. But the higher I get in this lofty world of higher education I fear that things will become loftier and farther away. The clouds will blur my vision of the people on Earth from my position on Mount Olympus.
What is the point of me sitting in these safe classrooms while people are fighting for their lives? I need direction. I need an outlet to serve the world.
I am confused as to wheter I enjoy being a college student. Well, I know that I enjoy it, it is more accurate to say that I am not sure if I am completly fulfilled by being a college student.
My Peace & Conflict Studies class watched the first half of the movie Heaven & Earth, a graphic account of the Vietnam War. I am extremly shaken. I think of myself as pretty informed on the scale of things. I don't think I am ignorant to the true nature of war and object to the use of war because no human life is worth what leaders claim we gain from fighting eachother. But to have images of murder, rape, & torture on a gigantic screne was too much. I am not angry in any sense that I was "made" to watch it, on the contrary, I quite agree with my professor's sentiment that in order to understand war we must witness it. We must break through all of the glossing over and sanitizing governments do to make war acceptable to the people and see it for what it really is. It is a small pain that I feel in comparison to the pain that exists in war. But I do feel overwhelmed with pain. And sorrow. And I feel helpless.
I have had the same reaccuring nightmare since I was a kid. I am in some emotionally troubling situation, whether it be an eminent death of a loved one, relationship strife, or something else entirely. In this situation I wander around looking for people I know. And my friends and family make guest appearances regularly. It is always something so clear and understandable to me. In one dream I ran into my aunt two months before she died and pleaded with her not to go to Australia. She smiled at me and shook her head and got in a Subaru and drove away. Or I am trapped and I see the exit, but I can't reach, so I'll ask a friend who is taller to help but they don't seem to hear me. My words do nothing. And in every situation I see the solution so clearly but no matter how much I plead and explain and rationalize, the situation never improves. I feel powerless.
And I am eating up the education I am receiving. It's wonderful. But the higher I get in this lofty world of higher education I fear that things will become loftier and farther away. The clouds will blur my vision of the people on Earth from my position on Mount Olympus.
What is the point of me sitting in these safe classrooms while people are fighting for their lives? I need direction. I need an outlet to serve the world.