Too much information warning.
I just have to write this out, so I apologize in advance if anyone reads it. I apologize fully if anyone who reads it is uncomfortable with it. I'd make it private except that I'm hoping some of the less heeby about it will offer some input, because I know I'm not thinking rationally or objectively.
I'm 25 years old. I've been HIV+ since I was 8 years old. I've had significant people in my life before, but never anything even remotely approaching a normal relationship. I've never had a sex life. Any time it involved another person it was as risk free as I could make it, meaning I suppose that it's never been anything more than mutual/assisted masturbation. I don't let people touch me much, I don't want to risk anyones health, anyones life. And none of the people in my life have ever really had a problem with that at all because they're very sensibly worried that sex with me could make them sick, could wreck their lives. Because I'm aware that nothing is 100% guaranteed to protect them, I just don't put them in that situation. They've never wanted to be in that situation. Which of course means that most of the relationships i've had don't last long. When you mutually decide with your significant other that you're not going to have sex, it seems like a very cool thing at first. You're transcending the physical. Blah blah blah you're just so much better'n everybody else. You can deny your base desires for love. Right on. That generally lasts only a few weeks before it gets old. Pretty soon it just all sucks. I'm 25 years old and I'm technically still a virgin.
Now there's Jenny. She started out as a co worker, moved on up into friend, and now I'm fast and headlong falling in love with her. It's very definitely mutual. I think...I have probably never felt this before in my life. I've loved people, yes. But not like this. My god, not like this. And it seems as if neither one of us can stand to leave the room without the other. It's almost too intense. I don't know why.
And this girl makes me want things I've never cared about before. I want to be absolutely immersed in her. I've experienced desire, or I thought I had, but this girl...it's so intense it hurts to look at her. So intense it's weird. Because no matter what the situation is, having her near me.....last night I got really sick. Not a sexy situation. She was sitting with me and she reached out and touched my hair..that's all she did, and even though i was miserably horribly sick, I was also instantly incredibly turned on. All at the same time. All she did was touch my hair. I can't even breathe when she touches me.
I wish more than anything to be able to miraculously wake up and discover that I'm no longer +, that I can touch her, that she can touch me, without putting her in danger.
That's not gonna happen. And so I told her....I can't risk her.
Unlike the other people I've encountered, she didn't agree that it would be unreasonably dangerous and she didn't want to do it. She said, and this is a quote: "Ryan, it's part of you. I love you. We can do this. There are ways." I told her nothing was foolproof, and she said "Neither is life. We'll be very very careful, but I'm not afraid of it. I'm not afraid of you. "
She said she'll wait as long as it takes for me to work it out in my head. I told her that could be years, and she said "If it's years, it's years."
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to put her in danger. i don't want to not just be with her completely. And she's , if anything, worse than I am in that while I'm figuring this out I'm not touching her. While I'm figuring this out she's definitely touching me. She's willing to wait but she's not going to withold trying to nudge things into what she's hoping for. She's playing dirty, is what she's doing :)
But she isn't afraid. She's aware...yes. Very aware. But she's willing to risk her life to be with me.
I told her I didn't want to put her in that position..she said "Isn't that really MY choice?"
i don't know if it is.
This isnt something I can just say "ok, if that's what you want lets go for it"
It's much more important than that...because it's not me taking the chance. It's her.
I don't know what to do.
I'm 25 years old. I've been HIV+ since I was 8 years old. I've had significant people in my life before, but never anything even remotely approaching a normal relationship. I've never had a sex life. Any time it involved another person it was as risk free as I could make it, meaning I suppose that it's never been anything more than mutual/assisted masturbation. I don't let people touch me much, I don't want to risk anyones health, anyones life. And none of the people in my life have ever really had a problem with that at all because they're very sensibly worried that sex with me could make them sick, could wreck their lives. Because I'm aware that nothing is 100% guaranteed to protect them, I just don't put them in that situation. They've never wanted to be in that situation. Which of course means that most of the relationships i've had don't last long. When you mutually decide with your significant other that you're not going to have sex, it seems like a very cool thing at first. You're transcending the physical. Blah blah blah you're just so much better'n everybody else. You can deny your base desires for love. Right on. That generally lasts only a few weeks before it gets old. Pretty soon it just all sucks. I'm 25 years old and I'm technically still a virgin.
Now there's Jenny. She started out as a co worker, moved on up into friend, and now I'm fast and headlong falling in love with her. It's very definitely mutual. I think...I have probably never felt this before in my life. I've loved people, yes. But not like this. My god, not like this. And it seems as if neither one of us can stand to leave the room without the other. It's almost too intense. I don't know why.
And this girl makes me want things I've never cared about before. I want to be absolutely immersed in her. I've experienced desire, or I thought I had, but this girl...it's so intense it hurts to look at her. So intense it's weird. Because no matter what the situation is, having her near me.....last night I got really sick. Not a sexy situation. She was sitting with me and she reached out and touched my hair..that's all she did, and even though i was miserably horribly sick, I was also instantly incredibly turned on. All at the same time. All she did was touch my hair. I can't even breathe when she touches me.
I wish more than anything to be able to miraculously wake up and discover that I'm no longer +, that I can touch her, that she can touch me, without putting her in danger.
That's not gonna happen. And so I told her....I can't risk her.
Unlike the other people I've encountered, she didn't agree that it would be unreasonably dangerous and she didn't want to do it. She said, and this is a quote: "Ryan, it's part of you. I love you. We can do this. There are ways." I told her nothing was foolproof, and she said "Neither is life. We'll be very very careful, but I'm not afraid of it. I'm not afraid of you. "
She said she'll wait as long as it takes for me to work it out in my head. I told her that could be years, and she said "If it's years, it's years."
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to put her in danger. i don't want to not just be with her completely. And she's , if anything, worse than I am in that while I'm figuring this out I'm not touching her. While I'm figuring this out she's definitely touching me. She's willing to wait but she's not going to withold trying to nudge things into what she's hoping for. She's playing dirty, is what she's doing :)
But she isn't afraid. She's aware...yes. Very aware. But she's willing to risk her life to be with me.
I told her I didn't want to put her in that position..she said "Isn't that really MY choice?"
i don't know if it is.
This isnt something I can just say "ok, if that's what you want lets go for it"
It's much more important than that...because it's not me taking the chance. It's her.
I don't know what to do.