two!
Harry Potter Goes to Hogwarts LOLOL!! this will be posted in several parts, as there are at least three tangents, all of them long. this is the longest, and the most active.
authors: ladyeshen, bubblegumlocks, laurel_tx, potter_lover456 and quirkie.
forgive our bad spelling and punctuation.
rated: r for language, so far
One day, there was a little boy named Harry Potter. His life pretty much sucked. He was horribly disfigured (ok he had a scar whatever), he was tragically orphaned, his whole family sucked, everything sucked, and to boot he smelled funny.
Harry was sitting in his room one day when suddenly a giant hairy man with a pink umbrella burst in.
He said, "Like, oh my god, yo. What's a big hairy man doing in my bedroom? Is he even allowed?"
Harry sighed. "Dude, you're going to have to leave. Aunt Petunia will shit a brick if she finds some strange man in my bedroom." Already he said to himself.
The giant hairy man looked at him, perplexed. "Erm, you're a wizard, 'arry, and a thumpin' good one, I'll wager."
"Ah, fuck," Harry whined, "a strange hairy man appears in my room and he has to be a crackhead."
"No, realleh," the man replied.
"You have something in your beard. Are you a hobo, mister?"
"Erm, no." He looked around the room, clutching the pink umbrella closer to him. "I'm 'agrid, Keeper of the Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts."
Harry raised an eyebrow. "Is that a hobo school?"
"I, er-- no," the man said, at this point clutching to the umbrella like a teddy. "Look, can yeh jest, erm, jest come with me, yeh?"
Harry stared at Hagrid dumbly. "Are you going to rape me, mister?"
Hagrid shook his head and grabbed the smelly Harry by his elbow. "Yer comin' with me 'arry, and I'll not take no."
Harry tried to shake his elbow away, but the man was, well, a giant, and as a scrawny eleven year old boy, he really couldn't hold his own. He just sighed and let his toes graze the floor as the strange Hagrid took him away from his relatives house.
"Even if you are going to rape me, I guess it's better than living with Dudley."
Hagrid decided firmly not to reply.
Stuff happened!
There was magic!!
And not long later, Harry found himself inside a rather seedy-looking pub called the Leaky Cauldron.
An old, mostly-toothless man said hello to him; Harry shied away, grimacing.
"Oh, God. The entire wizarding world is full of rapists. Hold me. No, wait. Dont."
He kept trying to back away from the crowd that was slowly closing in on him, only to run into a certain portion of Hagrid's anatomy that he had no desire to meet.
Harry stood tall and shook hands with a few patrons, before turning to Hagrid and saying, "Is there a reason all these people are talking to me, or do all wizards just like little boys?"
Hagrid shifted awkwardly, clearing his throat. "Well, yeh see, 'arry, yer parents didn't actually die in a car crash."
There was a very long silence.
Harry blinked. "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle." He looked up and up and up at the hairy man. "You know, you're not very nice. First you try to rape me, then everyone else does, and now you're telling me my parent's didn't die in a car crash?"
Someone from the crowd interjected, "He's very eloquent and composed for an eleven year old."
Harry turned slowly to look at the old woman.
"I'm not old!" Laurel piped.
"What?"
"I'm not even 27, I'm not old!"
"Well, I couldn't just call you 'woman,'" bubblegumlocks insisted.
"Yeah," Eshen said, folding her arms over her chest. "Plus also, you're old."
Laurel pinched the teenagers ear mercilessly, successfully shutting her up.
Harry stared in moderate disbelief. "...you guys aren't going to rape me, are you?"
Laurel paused and looked the boy up and down. "Not yet, Jailbait. You've got a good 8 years and a pervvy bath or two and a horse fuck before I'll start to think of you as anywhere near shaggable." She twisted Eshen's ear a little. "This little girl has a crush on you, though, I think she wants to hold your ickle hand."
Eshen yelped, clawing at Laurel's hand. "Ew, gross, 11 year old Harry!" She paused. "Correction: Ew, gross, Harry!" Eshen continued to squirm, ignoring the fact that Laurel seemed to get a kick out of watching her struggle (sadist). "Someone direct me to living, 14 year old Cedric, please-thanks-kay-bye!"
"You people scare me more than the magical pedophiles," Harry said, wincing.
Laurel grinned wickedly. "That's because you haven't met Snape yet."
"*growl*", said a gorgeous brunette that suddenly popped out from behind the bar. She flipped her hair over her shoulder.
"Hey guys," she said, coming to stand beside the previously mentioned Eshen and Laurel.
Harry looked up at her. "Are you going to rape me too?"
The goddess laughed, like bells tinkling, and pinched his cheeks. "No, Harry. I'm Zoe."
Harry watched in moderate confusion as Eshen bit Zoe's shoulder. "Who are you people"
"Funny you should ask," Laurel said, amused.
Eshen detatched herself from Zoe's shoulder momentarily. "Don't you know? Silleh boi."
Zoe tossed her hair dramatically. "We are..."
“The Village People, don'tcha know." She had a bit of a Northern accent that was quite endearing.
Harry gaped at them. "The old gay men in weird costumes that sing bad songs?"
Laurel shook her head sagely. She bumped Zoe away and stood in front of him. "Don't mind her, she's special. We're the"
Laurel started to say something incomprehensible, but another random brunette appeared. Unfortunately, she was not quite so pretty as Zoe, and was quite possibly much more special.
"Hi, my name is Sary-Moo! Wait, it's Mary-Sue! Wait, that's not it, either...Ah! Forget it, I'm Quirkie. Did you miss me, guys?"
Yes, much more special. The others rolled their eyes (except Laurel, who began talking about something called 'Rejtree fick,' whatever that was).
Harry vaguely wondered if she wanted to rape him, too, when a random boy appeared, bashed the newcomer over the head with what appeared to be a hockey stick, and then dragged her away.
"Um," he began shakily,
"Not yet Harry," another brunette said.
"WHAT IS WITH ALL THE BRUNETTES?" Harry screamed to the heavens, and it was quite possibly the beginning of his capslockaria.
"Hush, now," The new girl said, holding her finger up, "I'm here to tell you something important."
Harry quieted down.
"I'm your-" She began.
"Father!" Eshen screamed.
"No," She replied shortly.
"I'm your...
"--long lost sister with even greater magical powers." She smiled at the others winningly. "And look." She pointed to her face. "I've got purple eyes! They change color with my moods too!" She excalimed happily.
"What's your name?" Harry asked. Then thought for once in his life, "And, how are you my sister?"
"Why it's" She began, taking a deep breath, "Kelly Matilda Beth-Anne Rowena Godric Salazar Helga Crystal Felicity Rebecca Jennifer Hermione Ginny Lily Sirius Yvonne Katherine Fleur Dominique Marie Mary Sue Jane Potter, but you can just call me Kelly."
Zoe stared at her, and whispered aside to Harry. "Don't mind her, she's been eating the special Cheerios."
"Kelly?" Harry shook his head and closed his eyes, hoping when he opened them he'd be back by himself, under the cupboard. "You said you're my sister."
She nodded brightly. "Yes, Harry James Potter."
Laurel snickered. "Where's his middle names?"
Kelly Matilda... shot her a dirty look. "Well, Harry. When a mommy witch and a daddy wizard love each other very much..."
"They share a special type of hug," She clasped her hands together, "then they call the storkBaby Phoenix and tell them they want a baby. So the Baby Phoenix picks a baby that matches they're ideals, and delivers them."
"Though, most of the time the Baby Phoenix dies halfway through the trip and it's not guaranteed that you're baby will make it," Eshen said, snorting.
"Shush, you'll traumatize the boy," Kelly Matilda Beth-Whatever said, covering Harry's ears.
Zoe shook her beautiful hair out and grabbed Harry's hand. "C'mon girls, we must get him to Diagon Alley for his things!"
Harry shook her hand off and rubbed it as she had gripped it rather hard. "Diagonally?"
"I call getting him make-up!" Laurel shouted, rushing ahead of the group.
Zoe sat down, pulling Eshen with her. "No fair!" Both girls were pouting. "Why didn't I think of that first?"
Kelly raised a blondish-reddish-purplish-but mostly brunette eyebrow. "I'll get the leather!"
"DAMNIT!" Eshen and Zoe screamed simultaneously.
"Don't worry, you could get him his school supplies...and stuff," Laurel said.
"Yeah," Kelly agreed.
"But how come you get all the cool stuff?" Eshen pouted.
"Because we are better-" Laurel began.
"Smarter-" Kelly supplied.
"Greater-"
"More atractive-"
"Than you are," They said in unison. Rather reminiscent of the Weasley twins, not that Harry knew who they were.
Eshen and Zoe shared another look. Zoe narrowed her eyes and threw back her gorgeous hair again. Eshen popped her neck and then her fingers. They both crossed their arms while they stared at the other girls, and then suddenly they were gone with a loud crack.
Kelly shook her fist at the air. “Get back here you bitches!”
Harry stared at the remaining girls. “Um, hello?”
authors: ladyeshen, bubblegumlocks, laurel_tx, potter_lover456 and quirkie.
forgive our bad spelling and punctuation.
rated: r for language, so far
One day, there was a little boy named Harry Potter. His life pretty much sucked. He was horribly disfigured (ok he had a scar whatever), he was tragically orphaned, his whole family sucked, everything sucked, and to boot he smelled funny.
Harry was sitting in his room one day when suddenly a giant hairy man with a pink umbrella burst in.
He said, "Like, oh my god, yo. What's a big hairy man doing in my bedroom? Is he even allowed?"
Harry sighed. "Dude, you're going to have to leave. Aunt Petunia will shit a brick if she finds some strange man in my bedroom." Already he said to himself.
The giant hairy man looked at him, perplexed. "Erm, you're a wizard, 'arry, and a thumpin' good one, I'll wager."
"Ah, fuck," Harry whined, "a strange hairy man appears in my room and he has to be a crackhead."
"No, realleh," the man replied.
"You have something in your beard. Are you a hobo, mister?"
"Erm, no." He looked around the room, clutching the pink umbrella closer to him. "I'm 'agrid, Keeper of the Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts."
Harry raised an eyebrow. "Is that a hobo school?"
"I, er-- no," the man said, at this point clutching to the umbrella like a teddy. "Look, can yeh jest, erm, jest come with me, yeh?"
Harry stared at Hagrid dumbly. "Are you going to rape me, mister?"
Hagrid shook his head and grabbed the smelly Harry by his elbow. "Yer comin' with me 'arry, and I'll not take no."
Harry tried to shake his elbow away, but the man was, well, a giant, and as a scrawny eleven year old boy, he really couldn't hold his own. He just sighed and let his toes graze the floor as the strange Hagrid took him away from his relatives house.
"Even if you are going to rape me, I guess it's better than living with Dudley."
Hagrid decided firmly not to reply.
Stuff happened!
There was magic!!
And not long later, Harry found himself inside a rather seedy-looking pub called the Leaky Cauldron.
An old, mostly-toothless man said hello to him; Harry shied away, grimacing.
"Oh, God. The entire wizarding world is full of rapists. Hold me. No, wait. Dont."
He kept trying to back away from the crowd that was slowly closing in on him, only to run into a certain portion of Hagrid's anatomy that he had no desire to meet.
Harry stood tall and shook hands with a few patrons, before turning to Hagrid and saying, "Is there a reason all these people are talking to me, or do all wizards just like little boys?"
Hagrid shifted awkwardly, clearing his throat. "Well, yeh see, 'arry, yer parents didn't actually die in a car crash."
There was a very long silence.
Harry blinked. "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle." He looked up and up and up at the hairy man. "You know, you're not very nice. First you try to rape me, then everyone else does, and now you're telling me my parent's didn't die in a car crash?"
Someone from the crowd interjected, "He's very eloquent and composed for an eleven year old."
Harry turned slowly to look at the old woman.
"I'm not old!" Laurel piped.
"What?"
"I'm not even 27, I'm not old!"
"Well, I couldn't just call you 'woman,'" bubblegumlocks insisted.
"Yeah," Eshen said, folding her arms over her chest. "Plus also, you're old."
Laurel pinched the teenagers ear mercilessly, successfully shutting her up.
Harry stared in moderate disbelief. "...you guys aren't going to rape me, are you?"
Laurel paused and looked the boy up and down. "Not yet, Jailbait. You've got a good 8 years and a pervvy bath or two and a horse fuck before I'll start to think of you as anywhere near shaggable." She twisted Eshen's ear a little. "This little girl has a crush on you, though, I think she wants to hold your ickle hand."
Eshen yelped, clawing at Laurel's hand. "Ew, gross, 11 year old Harry!" She paused. "Correction: Ew, gross, Harry!" Eshen continued to squirm, ignoring the fact that Laurel seemed to get a kick out of watching her struggle (sadist). "Someone direct me to living, 14 year old Cedric, please-thanks-kay-bye!"
"You people scare me more than the magical pedophiles," Harry said, wincing.
Laurel grinned wickedly. "That's because you haven't met Snape yet."
"*growl*", said a gorgeous brunette that suddenly popped out from behind the bar. She flipped her hair over her shoulder.
"Hey guys," she said, coming to stand beside the previously mentioned Eshen and Laurel.
Harry looked up at her. "Are you going to rape me too?"
The goddess laughed, like bells tinkling, and pinched his cheeks. "No, Harry. I'm Zoe."
Harry watched in moderate confusion as Eshen bit Zoe's shoulder. "Who are you people"
"Funny you should ask," Laurel said, amused.
Eshen detatched herself from Zoe's shoulder momentarily. "Don't you know? Silleh boi."
Zoe tossed her hair dramatically. "We are..."
“The Village People, don'tcha know." She had a bit of a Northern accent that was quite endearing.
Harry gaped at them. "The old gay men in weird costumes that sing bad songs?"
Laurel shook her head sagely. She bumped Zoe away and stood in front of him. "Don't mind her, she's special. We're the"
Laurel started to say something incomprehensible, but another random brunette appeared. Unfortunately, she was not quite so pretty as Zoe, and was quite possibly much more special.
"Hi, my name is Sary-Moo! Wait, it's Mary-Sue! Wait, that's not it, either...Ah! Forget it, I'm Quirkie. Did you miss me, guys?"
Yes, much more special. The others rolled their eyes (except Laurel, who began talking about something called 'Rejtree fick,' whatever that was).
Harry vaguely wondered if she wanted to rape him, too, when a random boy appeared, bashed the newcomer over the head with what appeared to be a hockey stick, and then dragged her away.
"Um," he began shakily,
"Not yet Harry," another brunette said.
"WHAT IS WITH ALL THE BRUNETTES?" Harry screamed to the heavens, and it was quite possibly the beginning of his capslockaria.
"Hush, now," The new girl said, holding her finger up, "I'm here to tell you something important."
Harry quieted down.
"I'm your-" She began.
"Father!" Eshen screamed.
"No," She replied shortly.
"I'm your...
"--long lost sister with even greater magical powers." She smiled at the others winningly. "And look." She pointed to her face. "I've got purple eyes! They change color with my moods too!" She excalimed happily.
"What's your name?" Harry asked. Then thought for once in his life, "And, how are you my sister?"
"Why it's" She began, taking a deep breath, "Kelly Matilda Beth-Anne Rowena Godric Salazar Helga Crystal Felicity Rebecca Jennifer Hermione Ginny Lily Sirius Yvonne Katherine Fleur Dominique Marie Mary Sue Jane Potter, but you can just call me Kelly."
Zoe stared at her, and whispered aside to Harry. "Don't mind her, she's been eating the special Cheerios."
"Kelly?" Harry shook his head and closed his eyes, hoping when he opened them he'd be back by himself, under the cupboard. "You said you're my sister."
She nodded brightly. "Yes, Harry James Potter."
Laurel snickered. "Where's his middle names?"
Kelly Matilda... shot her a dirty look. "Well, Harry. When a mommy witch and a daddy wizard love each other very much..."
"They share a special type of hug," She clasped her hands together, "then they call the storkBaby Phoenix and tell them they want a baby. So the Baby Phoenix picks a baby that matches they're ideals, and delivers them."
"Though, most of the time the Baby Phoenix dies halfway through the trip and it's not guaranteed that you're baby will make it," Eshen said, snorting.
"Shush, you'll traumatize the boy," Kelly Matilda Beth-Whatever said, covering Harry's ears.
Zoe shook her beautiful hair out and grabbed Harry's hand. "C'mon girls, we must get him to Diagon Alley for his things!"
Harry shook her hand off and rubbed it as she had gripped it rather hard. "Diagonally?"
"I call getting him make-up!" Laurel shouted, rushing ahead of the group.
Zoe sat down, pulling Eshen with her. "No fair!" Both girls were pouting. "Why didn't I think of that first?"
Kelly raised a blondish-reddish-purplish-but mostly brunette eyebrow. "I'll get the leather!"
"DAMNIT!" Eshen and Zoe screamed simultaneously.
"Don't worry, you could get him his school supplies...and stuff," Laurel said.
"Yeah," Kelly agreed.
"But how come you get all the cool stuff?" Eshen pouted.
"Because we are better-" Laurel began.
"Smarter-" Kelly supplied.
"Greater-"
"More atractive-"
"Than you are," They said in unison. Rather reminiscent of the Weasley twins, not that Harry knew who they were.
Eshen and Zoe shared another look. Zoe narrowed her eyes and threw back her gorgeous hair again. Eshen popped her neck and then her fingers. They both crossed their arms while they stared at the other girls, and then suddenly they were gone with a loud crack.
Kelly shook her fist at the air. “Get back here you bitches!”
Harry stared at the remaining girls. “Um, hello?”