(no subject)
Another night feeling lonely. I guess lonely is a good sign, to some degree. It implies that I want to be around people, which is a pleasant surprise.
I think I need to take Making Friends 101, because meeting people, striking up a conversation, it's a real challenge for me. When I meet someone I find interesting I either miss an opportunity to introduce myself and fail to speak up out of fear or being rejected or looking stupid, or I go about things all wrong, using sex to try to foster an interest.
Sleeping with people I want to befriend certainly does not have the desired effect. Either a guy gets what he wants and then leaves, or he sticks around for a while and I spend all my time wondering if he likes me for my personality or because I'm willing to sleep with him. Unfortunately I put myself in this position recently with a guy who I think had a lot of potential to become a great friend. Instead of allowing things to progress slowly, which I somehow perceive as some terrifying option, I slept with him to try to prove to myself that I'm likeable, that he had an interest in me.
I'm working on realizing that someone can be interested in me even if I don't take my clothes off. Unfortunately, I now find myself questioning my ability to judge character and wondering if this guy ever liked me or will ever contact me again. It's a shame how worked up I make myself, how turned around I get inside my own head. I've got to work on being more patient, to let people slowly warm up to me instead of demanding a black or white clarity in regards to their feelings about me. I guess sex acted as a clear answer in my current situation. He slept with me, he liked me. Of course he may have liked me for the wrong reasons, but in my head it was better to know that than it was not to know if he had any interest in developing a friendship with me. My methods are all screwy. I'm just trying to be patient to see how or if things work themselves out. Working on restraint. If he's interested, he'll contact me. I don't need to scare him off anymore than I already have. Plus, if he's not interested, I don't want to allow myself to waste any more brain power or emotional energy on him. Hopefully things will turn out positively, but I need to be prepared for rejection.
I think I need to take Making Friends 101, because meeting people, striking up a conversation, it's a real challenge for me. When I meet someone I find interesting I either miss an opportunity to introduce myself and fail to speak up out of fear or being rejected or looking stupid, or I go about things all wrong, using sex to try to foster an interest.
Sleeping with people I want to befriend certainly does not have the desired effect. Either a guy gets what he wants and then leaves, or he sticks around for a while and I spend all my time wondering if he likes me for my personality or because I'm willing to sleep with him. Unfortunately I put myself in this position recently with a guy who I think had a lot of potential to become a great friend. Instead of allowing things to progress slowly, which I somehow perceive as some terrifying option, I slept with him to try to prove to myself that I'm likeable, that he had an interest in me.
I'm working on realizing that someone can be interested in me even if I don't take my clothes off. Unfortunately, I now find myself questioning my ability to judge character and wondering if this guy ever liked me or will ever contact me again. It's a shame how worked up I make myself, how turned around I get inside my own head. I've got to work on being more patient, to let people slowly warm up to me instead of demanding a black or white clarity in regards to their feelings about me. I guess sex acted as a clear answer in my current situation. He slept with me, he liked me. Of course he may have liked me for the wrong reasons, but in my head it was better to know that than it was not to know if he had any interest in developing a friendship with me. My methods are all screwy. I'm just trying to be patient to see how or if things work themselves out. Working on restraint. If he's interested, he'll contact me. I don't need to scare him off anymore than I already have. Plus, if he's not interested, I don't want to allow myself to waste any more brain power or emotional energy on him. Hopefully things will turn out positively, but I need to be prepared for rejection.