out of the bag
i went to the cat shelter to see kittens today...but its funny, even though i was there...like even before i even saw the kittens, i knew i wouldn't be getting one. well, new years really sucked. it wasnt at all what i expected..and not just because i expected too much from new years itself but because i hadnt been out in too long and i lumped my hopes into one night which essentially never could've fulfilled them. everything seems too hard at the moment...its like im back at the first stepping stone but im not never going to go forward this time,im just static, even going backwards in some ways. i feel like i did two aprils ago, but this time all of the good things about those feelings are gone, and i dont know what to do with myself, whereas then...i could do everything. sounds a little corny the way this is coming out, but it's so true. everything that i had been expecting to feel is different. to the point that when i see anyone, it never lives up to the norm...or any desire to see people has faded. and again i feel trapped...my most hated feeling, but in a different sense, a way that i dont even understand, because i have no reason to feel this way. nothing sounds good anymore. and i dont know what i want to be doing.