"And if I don't make it, tell everyone I've had my fun." - Big D & The Kids Table
I want to thank you for reading this. I've decided this will be my last journal entry.
There's two reasons for this. One is hopeful and one is not.
There's a pandemic going on, one that fills the lungs with fluid and makes you drown from lack of oxygen. It isn't a nice way to go out. It's very contagious. It's in Maine and spreading, and at some point it will be in Aroostook County. There are 30 year olds barely surviving this, healthy, athletic 30 year olds. I have asthma lungs. My odds of survival are not the worst, but they are not good. This is reality. I haven't had severe asthma issues since December 2013, when I helped Jason move. I'd been cleaning an apartment he had smoked in over 10 years. I started gasping and having an asthma attack once we were done & watching tv in his new digs, and he got me a black coffee -- which did the trick. Maybe I won't get the virus. Maybe my little lungs will pull through. But I have read accounts of what these other 30 year olds are going through and it scares the piss out of me.
There's still things I want to do. I want to go to Minnesota and see International Falls. I want to go to Houghton and Ironwood and Sault Ste Marie, Munising, see the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, hike to a lighthouse, and explore the Upper Penninsula. I want to hike the Long Trail, from Journey's End to North Adams. I want to see my nieces and nephew and best friend's daughter graduate. I want to see the Portland Seadogs play. I want to own a dog. I want to own my own spinning wheel and take it to sheep & wool fests and on road trips.
I'm closing this journal because when the next great adventure happens, I want to write it by hand in a bucket list journal. That goes the the second reason -- I'm not DJ KJ Bazzle anymore. I can't seem to be her anymore. I went through some ugly depression/dark suicidal times in 2010-2012 and the reality is that since then, I haven't been who I was. I still have my humor and goals but I changed. I can't seem to get back to who I was before then. I see my flaws more clearly, I know my strengths & weaknesses now. I started this journal when I was angry, and I'm still angry so I guess in that aspect I really haven't changed.
When I was in WUMF, something we put a lot of thought into was our final song. How we would end our last show before graduation. Our departing sign off. For Will, it was Take It With Me by Tom Waits. For Scott, it was Moment Without and End by Big D & The Kids Table. For Fraggle Rob, it was Jump Through The Hoops by The Mighty Bosstones.
I remember most of the music I played on my last show but I don't entirely remember what my last song was. My recording of my show ended early so the last 20 minutes I don't have. I believe it was Bright Spring Morning by Suburban Legends.
I'll leave you all with that because whether my story ends in a few weeks, a few months, or not for many years, this is how I want you to think of me -- on a roadtrip, a late night Tim Hortons run to Skowhegan or tearing through Belgrade to North Augusta with the cassette player cranked up, windows down, a mixtape playing, on an adventure.
I love you all.
"The sun is shining bright outside
I think I'll go for a ride
I plan not to ever return
Let's run away from here for good
Forget this dusty neighborhood
The open road is calling and begging for us
Go roll down the window
Go crank up that radio
Lets drive until we hit the sky
It's not about where we go
Let's start living life
Before we die
True, it's all in my dreams
You are all in my dreams
What I need is a long holiday
What I need is to get away
From here for good tonight
Lets fly away tonight
On this bright spring morning
Send our spirits soaring
Now is the time
Go roll down the window
Go crank up that radio
Lets drive until we hit the sky
It's not about where we go
Lets start living life before we die!"
There's two reasons for this. One is hopeful and one is not.
There's a pandemic going on, one that fills the lungs with fluid and makes you drown from lack of oxygen. It isn't a nice way to go out. It's very contagious. It's in Maine and spreading, and at some point it will be in Aroostook County. There are 30 year olds barely surviving this, healthy, athletic 30 year olds. I have asthma lungs. My odds of survival are not the worst, but they are not good. This is reality. I haven't had severe asthma issues since December 2013, when I helped Jason move. I'd been cleaning an apartment he had smoked in over 10 years. I started gasping and having an asthma attack once we were done & watching tv in his new digs, and he got me a black coffee -- which did the trick. Maybe I won't get the virus. Maybe my little lungs will pull through. But I have read accounts of what these other 30 year olds are going through and it scares the piss out of me.
There's still things I want to do. I want to go to Minnesota and see International Falls. I want to go to Houghton and Ironwood and Sault Ste Marie, Munising, see the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, hike to a lighthouse, and explore the Upper Penninsula. I want to hike the Long Trail, from Journey's End to North Adams. I want to see my nieces and nephew and best friend's daughter graduate. I want to see the Portland Seadogs play. I want to own a dog. I want to own my own spinning wheel and take it to sheep & wool fests and on road trips.
I'm closing this journal because when the next great adventure happens, I want to write it by hand in a bucket list journal. That goes the the second reason -- I'm not DJ KJ Bazzle anymore. I can't seem to be her anymore. I went through some ugly depression/dark suicidal times in 2010-2012 and the reality is that since then, I haven't been who I was. I still have my humor and goals but I changed. I can't seem to get back to who I was before then. I see my flaws more clearly, I know my strengths & weaknesses now. I started this journal when I was angry, and I'm still angry so I guess in that aspect I really haven't changed.
When I was in WUMF, something we put a lot of thought into was our final song. How we would end our last show before graduation. Our departing sign off. For Will, it was Take It With Me by Tom Waits. For Scott, it was Moment Without and End by Big D & The Kids Table. For Fraggle Rob, it was Jump Through The Hoops by The Mighty Bosstones.
I remember most of the music I played on my last show but I don't entirely remember what my last song was. My recording of my show ended early so the last 20 minutes I don't have. I believe it was Bright Spring Morning by Suburban Legends.
I'll leave you all with that because whether my story ends in a few weeks, a few months, or not for many years, this is how I want you to think of me -- on a roadtrip, a late night Tim Hortons run to Skowhegan or tearing through Belgrade to North Augusta with the cassette player cranked up, windows down, a mixtape playing, on an adventure.
I love you all.
"The sun is shining bright outside
I think I'll go for a ride
I plan not to ever return
Let's run away from here for good
Forget this dusty neighborhood
The open road is calling and begging for us
Go roll down the window
Go crank up that radio
Lets drive until we hit the sky
It's not about where we go
Let's start living life
Before we die
True, it's all in my dreams
You are all in my dreams
What I need is a long holiday
What I need is to get away
From here for good tonight
Lets fly away tonight
On this bright spring morning
Send our spirits soaring
Now is the time
Go roll down the window
Go crank up that radio
Lets drive until we hit the sky
It's not about where we go
Lets start living life before we die!"