(no subject)
I'm feeling terribly empty and worthless. My feelings for Jake keep wearing thinner and thinner. Everyday something happens that builds this wall between us or something. He still obviously doesn't give a damn about his life because he hasn't tried to fix anything about it. Everyone knows in times of difficulty you have to do what you have to do in order to get things done. You can't just pussyfoot around and do nothing. You get nowhere. And that's what and where he is. Nowhere. I'm tired of being treated like crap. He used to be so sweet to me and do little things that were one of those "things" everyone has in their relationships, but now it's like I'm just there as a piece of ass. Everytime there's been awhile between seeing eachother, all he's concerned about is getting laid. Maybe I'm not all about that. He still constantly finds ways to drink or smoke or do whatever. Anytime he's around Tyler it's like, beer this and pills that and weed here and coke there. That's all it was today. So I sat on the balcony, trying to ignore the fact that they were inside discussing when to smoke weed today and when to drink, and I just sat there holding back any feeling of anger, depression, and loathing, but I couldn't. So I just walked out and left. He asked me to call him later and I said no. He asked why. I said because I'm sick of you. The end of that. This all shouldn't have started in the first place. I don't fit in his grouping, he doesn't fit in mine. How the hell would I ever be able to mesh everything together. He got all butthurt about me dedicating seeing Harry Potter 4 with Chris at midnight its opening day. He said he claims priority simply because he's my boyfriend. I mean, alright, but maybe he should be acting like one first. I used to leave him a note everyday I saw him saying love you, etc etc. Now it's not even worth it anymore...he doesn't deserve it after the post-its incident. He just doesn't care enough for me or something. I really thought he had potential and I really thought I could handle his habits, but in all honesty, I just can't. I can't fathom how much of a kick he gets out of everything. We never go out--in matter of fact, he's never taken me out everytime he said he was going to. But the thing I care about the most is he still doesn't respect me. He doesn't understand anything about me or why I don't like to be around his friends and company. I mean, I hate talking to people about him because he's almost embarressing to me. Even his own friend told him he's too much of a druggie and needs to get his ass out there and get a job. WHY AM I STILL PUTTING UP WITH HIS SHIT.
I'm telling Jake it's probably ending here soon.
My birthday's this weekend...and frankly, I don't give a fuck. I'd rather it be my last day, then a celebration of 19 years of fucking hell. Yes I'm depressed, yes I'm pissed off, yes I'm full of regrets and yes, I don't plan on stopping anything I do to myself these next few days because obviously, I'm still just insignificant to this world. So why not make sure I am meant to be here.
Why does this always happen around times my mom is gone?
Someone give me a fucking gun.
I'm telling Jake it's probably ending here soon.
My birthday's this weekend...and frankly, I don't give a fuck. I'd rather it be my last day, then a celebration of 19 years of fucking hell. Yes I'm depressed, yes I'm pissed off, yes I'm full of regrets and yes, I don't plan on stopping anything I do to myself these next few days because obviously, I'm still just insignificant to this world. So why not make sure I am meant to be here.
Why does this always happen around times my mom is gone?
Someone give me a fucking gun.