On Building a Dream

[bstdeception187]

A few days shy of two months that Jacob crashed my Five Year Plan. And I don't care how he does everything I hate...or that it's about to become impossible to see each other...he is IT. My Happiness. How can this be possible? Me. The person doomed to ever love someone truly...ends up loving something she's hated all along. Something that would normally make her turn away and shake her head. It's SO wierd. I have no idea how it works. Anyone who knows me would be SO baffled at our situation. I'm above and beyond in love with him, and I fell in love with him all over again tonight. I don't want to rush things...but I can't help...I can't help but want everything all at once. I wouldn't mind loving him for the rest of my life, but at the same time, I don't want the responsibility yet. No siree. I have a lot of plans to go through first. A lot of which have now grown to include him. What is a girl to do? >sigh<. He's already made it clear that he wants to be in my future and I in his (meaning next year...as far as I comprehended). And his crazy ability to stop using stuff just baffles me. He told me I'm his inspiration...how sweet...because he is mine too. I can talk to him about effed up shit so easily and he just talks back with me. He doesn't just sit and listen which I thought was the way I liked it. He figured me out and found ways to make me feel better in seconds. He makes me feel like what I do to make things better, is no longer necessary. I'm not saying I'm cured, because that in itself would be a miracle, but he prevents me from doing it. I see him daily...and it never gets old. He never gets old. IT'S SCARY!!! That wierdest thing about it all was when I noticed a guy looking at me like any single guy would, and i just felt disgusted. Usually I'd feel good about it because I was getting attention. But now it's like, I have something so much better than YOU! It's SO wierd. I don't look at other people. I can't stand to. And I could NEVER fathom EVER hurting Jacob in any way. It would destroy me. I've always been so nonchalant about the idea of cheating...disturbing I know...I never really cared who it affected and how, just as long as I had a good time. But now it's SO different. It's like killing someone. It's like a piece of me has died for everytime I did something like that, and now I have holes of guilt all over me (just to get a little dramatic). But Jacob's kind of filled them back up, making me this whole new awesome crazy in love person. I want to purge a lot of my old stuff again. I'm in the mood to clean out my closet (literally it needs it again) and get rid of all the bullshit from school and life in the last year or so. And there's one thing for sure that will be (hopefully) discarded--my tourniquet from the day I almost died...I think it's time to get rid of it...but I think I might just have to wait for my birthday. Cuz a year seems more significant than 10 months. [[Feedback anyone?]] But all in all, the purging will do me outstanding wonders. I will have my immense feeling of cleansing. I kinda want Jacob to be there with me...but I really don't want him to see how much of a freak I was then. I don't want to scare him. But then again, I already did tell him what all is wrong in my little crazy head. So maybe, it would be a good thing. He's gonna take ceramics with me in Spring Semester. :). I can't wait to make pottery with him. Hehe. Ghost! It's like 330 am. I work at 1130. I should be asleep. But I'm not. This was an immense entry.

I go to the doctor's on the 2nd. Time to get "examined." Wee.

And my diet starts Monday again. Cuz I am getting comfort fat. FUCK!! Green Tea awaits me!!