Last Entry
i know this is gonna seem kinda odd...but...you know how u sort of have something that reminds you of something that you completely forgot about, and then you see it, and it(meaning bad) all floods back in overwhelming quantities and you feel like your about to explode so you kinda go mental...(just being hypothetical for "you")..but yea...im in the middle of that and i hafta talk to someone..or i freak..and its bad freak outs and i dont want to...but i dont know what to do cuz i used to have people for this and i dont have anyone and im really freaking out cuz im freaking alone and like i cant be but i feel like im literally breaking in half im freaking mental and im going so crazy that i dont sleep. i dont want to eat. i dont care about me at all. its just what people have done to me.
why
why did the hypothetical god choose me to be the end stick of so much hatred and so much pure evil.
theres so much fucking evil in my veins. in my own blood. cutting it out isnt helping. spilling it out in large quantities isnt working. i NEED to get this out. I know why I cut myself. It all makes sense now. There's so much evil. Evil is flooding through me and driving in and out of sanity. i want to kill the bitch that fucked me up. Yea youre fucking brilliant. Youre so mighty now arent you. Knowing you beat the shit out of a 4 year old child. shoving soap down my throat until I gagged on it and threw up so then i got beat more for making a mess. youre such a star now. youre name should be hung in lights for everyone to see. just to let you know. ill find you one day. and you better fucking hope im happy.
and just the same. a helpless child aged 5-13. prime target for a sex driven monster. what the fuck is the matter with someone to do this to me. HOW CAN YOU FUCKING DO THIS TO ME.
what the fuck is going to work for me?
when is my break going to come.
i am so terribly alone and alone tonight, and i dont know what will happen....
no one cares. no ones there.
im so stressed out. im crying right now. my parents bought the house in AZ. I dont want to move there. ill prolly have to live with my dad, and two months of that, im committing suicide. anyone i cared for more than anything is gone from my life. maybe not completely, but just enough...you dont understand what not being hugged in months does to me. i cant pay off all my bills for school. my paycheck lacked serious dollars and i owe taxes 135 worth. i have a midterm, a paper, and a practice final all due in the next 3 days, plus a comp tomorrow. promoting to shift leader on monday, working mon-fri eevry week 9-3, i dont sleep. i have no friends to talk to about this without fear of them thinking im just attentionseeking. i cant trust anyone because my own fuckass of a father fucked up my ideas of it. plus the two from above. human contact freaks me out. im afraid of sexual anything because of above.
All I ever wanted was someone who had a least some good qualities I found to make me want to see them the next day. And I get shit all over each time and it's always the same thing. same excuses. why cant i just be told the truth for once? what are you all so afraid of? If youre afraid youll hurt me, guess again cuz there are far worse things that have hurt me enough that im basically null to pain. i honestly dont feel worth anything to anyone. i thought id feel better out of high school. i was wrong. i feel much worse.
ive been alive for a little under 5 months now, and what do I have to show for it?
nothing.
im beginning to give up. im not even content with myself so im just straight up giving up on everything. if any of it falls apart, fuck it. i wont try to save it. im so tired of trying. cuz its not doing me any good. i try to change, and it just blows up in my face. im beginning to wish i hadnt failed. maybe it would have made a difference.
i still cant believe that something meant for me to stay here. i did for awhile, but now that reason has completely erased themselves from my life. and i dont even know why. i didnt even do anything. i had a glimpse of maybe the path that leads to better things (decent htings rather), but only to be dragged back in the mud with the other commoners, while i get stepped on by those who have seen the road and traveled it.
i dont think im ever meant to get the chance. i think im just here for everyone to shit on. and quite frankly im just getting used to it. i dont even care anymore. i dont feel like i exist to anything anymore.
i cant even talk to my own family. my "friends" cant help me because htey cant understand it. no one can. its so unfair to be treated like ass all my life.
i honestly dont want to live anymore. what is it worht really. we dont know the meaning to why we are here, so why bother wasting the time and money to search for an answer well never find. god, if youre spiting me because you do exist and i mock youre existance, why not just kill me faster so then you could have one less anti-glorifier to worry about.
god im sick of sleeping and im sick of myself. i finally feel ugly and fat and worthless and completely nonexistant. i fought it for so long hoping. so why even bother anymore. i cant even take a compliment from anyone anymore. its just a phrase of empty words. promises are rediculous things.
love is the stupidest idea ever. procreate and get it over with. love is a waste of my time and energy that i dont have to begin with. i was never made to love and i never will and i hope i die alone. at least ill be miserable only for myself and not for another. i dont even believe in love anymore. itll never happen. emotion is dead. im dead.
god i just need to find someone who will stabilize me.
as for now itll be shining with a silver lining. if this is what it takes to make me feel slightly relieved so be it. i wish i didnt have to work however, then it would be 2 billion times as easy to not have to explain to everyone in the world that YES INDEED I CUT MYSELF SO GET OVER IT ALREADY. theres nothing you can do to help. just dont even mention it and things will run smoother. you cant cure i dont care what doctors will say. im gonna struggle with this all my life. ever since i felt its first exhilarating release, i signed a contract for life and youc ant take it away from m
i need to escape myself. im a definite hazard to myself being alone. but i cant be content without something fucking up, usually me, and this happens everytime. or if i finally do get something good, they decide its not.
i have no hope.
im so tired of typing, though im not even through breaking the ice.
im so fucked.
why
why did the hypothetical god choose me to be the end stick of so much hatred and so much pure evil.
theres so much fucking evil in my veins. in my own blood. cutting it out isnt helping. spilling it out in large quantities isnt working. i NEED to get this out. I know why I cut myself. It all makes sense now. There's so much evil. Evil is flooding through me and driving in and out of sanity. i want to kill the bitch that fucked me up. Yea youre fucking brilliant. Youre so mighty now arent you. Knowing you beat the shit out of a 4 year old child. shoving soap down my throat until I gagged on it and threw up so then i got beat more for making a mess. youre such a star now. youre name should be hung in lights for everyone to see. just to let you know. ill find you one day. and you better fucking hope im happy.
and just the same. a helpless child aged 5-13. prime target for a sex driven monster. what the fuck is the matter with someone to do this to me. HOW CAN YOU FUCKING DO THIS TO ME.
what the fuck is going to work for me?
when is my break going to come.
i am so terribly alone and alone tonight, and i dont know what will happen....
no one cares. no ones there.
im so stressed out. im crying right now. my parents bought the house in AZ. I dont want to move there. ill prolly have to live with my dad, and two months of that, im committing suicide. anyone i cared for more than anything is gone from my life. maybe not completely, but just enough...you dont understand what not being hugged in months does to me. i cant pay off all my bills for school. my paycheck lacked serious dollars and i owe taxes 135 worth. i have a midterm, a paper, and a practice final all due in the next 3 days, plus a comp tomorrow. promoting to shift leader on monday, working mon-fri eevry week 9-3, i dont sleep. i have no friends to talk to about this without fear of them thinking im just attentionseeking. i cant trust anyone because my own fuckass of a father fucked up my ideas of it. plus the two from above. human contact freaks me out. im afraid of sexual anything because of above.
All I ever wanted was someone who had a least some good qualities I found to make me want to see them the next day. And I get shit all over each time and it's always the same thing. same excuses. why cant i just be told the truth for once? what are you all so afraid of? If youre afraid youll hurt me, guess again cuz there are far worse things that have hurt me enough that im basically null to pain. i honestly dont feel worth anything to anyone. i thought id feel better out of high school. i was wrong. i feel much worse.
ive been alive for a little under 5 months now, and what do I have to show for it?
nothing.
im beginning to give up. im not even content with myself so im just straight up giving up on everything. if any of it falls apart, fuck it. i wont try to save it. im so tired of trying. cuz its not doing me any good. i try to change, and it just blows up in my face. im beginning to wish i hadnt failed. maybe it would have made a difference.
i still cant believe that something meant for me to stay here. i did for awhile, but now that reason has completely erased themselves from my life. and i dont even know why. i didnt even do anything. i had a glimpse of maybe the path that leads to better things (decent htings rather), but only to be dragged back in the mud with the other commoners, while i get stepped on by those who have seen the road and traveled it.
i dont think im ever meant to get the chance. i think im just here for everyone to shit on. and quite frankly im just getting used to it. i dont even care anymore. i dont feel like i exist to anything anymore.
i cant even talk to my own family. my "friends" cant help me because htey cant understand it. no one can. its so unfair to be treated like ass all my life.
i honestly dont want to live anymore. what is it worht really. we dont know the meaning to why we are here, so why bother wasting the time and money to search for an answer well never find. god, if youre spiting me because you do exist and i mock youre existance, why not just kill me faster so then you could have one less anti-glorifier to worry about.
god im sick of sleeping and im sick of myself. i finally feel ugly and fat and worthless and completely nonexistant. i fought it for so long hoping. so why even bother anymore. i cant even take a compliment from anyone anymore. its just a phrase of empty words. promises are rediculous things.
love is the stupidest idea ever. procreate and get it over with. love is a waste of my time and energy that i dont have to begin with. i was never made to love and i never will and i hope i die alone. at least ill be miserable only for myself and not for another. i dont even believe in love anymore. itll never happen. emotion is dead. im dead.
god i just need to find someone who will stabilize me.
as for now itll be shining with a silver lining. if this is what it takes to make me feel slightly relieved so be it. i wish i didnt have to work however, then it would be 2 billion times as easy to not have to explain to everyone in the world that YES INDEED I CUT MYSELF SO GET OVER IT ALREADY. theres nothing you can do to help. just dont even mention it and things will run smoother. you cant cure i dont care what doctors will say. im gonna struggle with this all my life. ever since i felt its first exhilarating release, i signed a contract for life and youc ant take it away from m
i need to escape myself. im a definite hazard to myself being alone. but i cant be content without something fucking up, usually me, and this happens everytime. or if i finally do get something good, they decide its not.
i have no hope.
im so tired of typing, though im not even through breaking the ice.
im so fucked.