And my problem
Last few days I have been more down than usual. Been thinking as to why that is. Reflection, I have decided, is something that should be saved for happier people. Reflection, for me, is mostly a motivation to getting down, and not the "getting down" that could be termed positive for anyone. Alot of this started with a simple, almost joking question by Amanda. "Why do you call yourself 'full of fail?' And I do say that quite a bit. I say it even more online on WoW on my Steamwheedle Cartel server. I didn't exactly have an answer when she asked it, in part because she immidiately added, 'you succeed at most things you do.' So that got me thinking. Why am I captain of the failboat? Well, I have an answer, because I fail at the most important thing I can think of, something that I let define me in large part. Relationships with a significant other. Friendships I do ok. Especially casual ones, those I can be friendly, hold back my more abrasive qualities to a point, appear quite personable. However, in the relationships that are most important to me, I have been more than pathetic. Between the high school relationship that probably never stood a chance, the long distance flubbing, abortive college kissing and my most recent, ie. two years ago, relationship that ended in an ignominious implosion, I have had one relationship that I don't look back on with either self revulsion or at least some sort of guilt about my behavior. I have had one relationship that was at one point sexually active. But that isn't the relationship in which I was most happy. I was happiest in a relationship that was quiet, calm, easy. A relationship I believe could have lasted better if I had perhaps not gotten over eager. Perhaps not, perhaps that is just my own desires coming out as self delusional memories and hopes. Either way, it's academic at best. I honestly find myself today, a month and a half before my 25th birthday, single, miserable, but not in the least sure that I COULD be any other way. I want a relationship, fact. I don't think I could actually be in a healthy relationship right now, also fact. I can't imagine being in a relationship anymore, but its the only thing I can really think of. I don't think I could have sex again, yet I find myself jerking off to whatever I find late at night alone, I apologize if you didn't want to know that, but still, it illustrates my dilemma. I feel like a damned fool, knowing what I can't have and yearning for it because I think it would make me feel better, but at the same time knowing I don't think I could have it/deserve it. I don't know, it is 2 am after the madden launch and I just worked 8 hours with a bunch of stupid people selling them a stinking video game and ingesting large amounts of CocaCola. Even if I found someone who didn't find my repulsive and I somehow let myself be around them and not convince myself of some reason why they shouldn't like me and drive them off, I think the biggest thing I would want from them is a hug. Someone to give me a hug, hold me, and fall asleep with me. Someone just to be there with me, I really don't want to be alone, but I wouldn't ever punish someone with my often annoying or alternately blah personality. And I don't see anyone putting up with that bullshit from some guy as goofy looking as me for a hug from someone who sounds like they aspire to having a relationship on a 4th grade emotional level.