I want pinned down, I want unsettled - rattle cage after cage until my blood boils...
I feel like I just use livejournal to purge everything that I don't have the guts to complain about in real life. I apologize, and there is no need to actually read through this - it's just cathartic to get it out.
I am frustrated because now I might not be able to go on my trip. At least not the one I have planned in my head where I visit all 50 states in one epic summer.
I really am attempting to force my family to care for themselves, because after college I am going to start the process to be a foster parent, and I am not going to put them (as the grownups they are) before my kid(s). But that doesn't seem to be working, and I am out of ideas. I moved out. I stopped paying their bills. They were to do that on their own. Only, they didn't so I had to pay all their back bills to get their water and power turned back on, and their car insurance reinstated (after my brother crashed the car I left them when I moved with lapsed insurance), and oh yeah, their rent after they got a three day notice. All of this within one week, which almost completely depleted me of my travel savings account.
I am just at my wits end with them. I don't know how much self sacrifice I have to go through before I can finally be able to say to them, "No. This is your mess. You fix it." Or, how about, "You're a grown up. Try getting a job." But. I. just. can't. And, they are going to just keep doing this to me, and I am never, ever going to be able to escape it. I tried, as sternly as I can, which isn't very firm, to tell my mother that this is the last time. That if something legit comes up where they need me I will be there. If William needs clothes, or my mom wants me to get them food, fine. But having me pay all their bills just because they chose not to - isn't fair to me, and I will not be doing it again. I just hope when the time comes I can muster up finding the courage to follow through with that threat. Even if it means the people that I love the most are homeless. It was different when my brothers were younger, and as we have never had parents in the sense that most kids have parents, I had some responsibility for them. But they are all adults now. Sigh.
The idea of standing beside idly while they self destruct makes me want to throw up. But so does the idea saving them, over and over again for the rest of my life. I am going to be 25, and JUST NOW live by myself for the first time. I have never had a boyfriend. Or bought myself a car, because I have first always made sure that they have one. I make good money, but have never had a savings account because I always have someone with their hands out at me. I hate shopping because the idea of spending money, the money I work 12 hours a day for, on myself is a foreign concept to the point that it literally gives me panic attack. It's getting to the point where I am more annoyed with my inablility to tell them to shove off than I am annoyed at them. I took a personality test at school and it told me a was a golden retriever. Yes, I have the personality of a puppy! And it's true. Sadly.
Anyways. Sorry about the rant. I just don't know what to do. Two and a half years ago I moved half way across country to escape all of this, and they just followed me three months later. As much as I love my family, those were the best three months of my life.
Where are all my fellow bloggers? It seems like only a few of us post anymore these days. And, I feel like I never have anything to post that's not family angst. People that only read about my life, and haven't actually met me probably think I am some Emily Strange emo character, but I am really not. I am happy, and smiley, probably to the point where it gets annoying. My life is pretty awesome, if a tad tedious, predictable and sleep deprived at this point.