Im so tired at staring at the wall, but I know that I got to put you down.
People have always constantly, instantly put me up on a pedestal upon meeting me. I am always known in all my circles as the "nice," sweet," girl with the "patience of job." My family considers me the "good one," the "perfect one." Only perfection in humanity doesn't exist, and I sure as hell don't come close. I lose my patience. I get cranky. I have an incurable potty mouth, and always, always keep a wall up to prevent anyone from getting too close to me. I could go on and on listing all my inperfections, and trust me, they outweigh any good traits I have by far. And it is becoming exhausting to be up here, attempting not to be smothered by everyones expectations of me, and worse yet all the expectations I have of myself to please them all. My patients, my coworkers, my friends and my family. Memembers of my church, ect.
What inspires this emo rant? It's because latley I have been wishing I was able hold onto a grudge longer. I don't want to be bitter, and I believe in forgiveness. But I wish only that occasionally I could take my time forgiving people when I am angry, and hold onto that anger so that people actually know that I Do get angry at them when they screw me over. But I can't. I don't. I get over it so fast, that I never confront anyone that deserves it. Which latley I notice is probably the reason they repeat those same kinds of actions against me over and over again. Flip out on Barbra at work, and she will forgive you. Take her credit card to mall, and she will forgive you. Pay your insurance and not tell her, so that she is short on rent, and she will forgive you. Never pay her back when she lends you money? No big deal! Have a problem? Don't worry, Barbra will fix it and not complain.
Well. I am NOT perfect. And sometimes, I WANT to complain. I want to scream and say, I am not an ATM! I want to be able to look a certain crazy co-worker in the eyes and say, "Don't talk to me like that." But. I am angry for a breath. And by the time I exhale, all those negative feelings are released. And then I am not angry anymore. And then I don't really see the point in talking to people about feelings I had for mere seconds of my life. Suddenly it doesn't seem that important, and it gets swept under the rug.
And people continue, wrongly, believing that I never get angry, because I am so damn patient.
What inspires this emo rant? It's because latley I have been wishing I was able hold onto a grudge longer. I don't want to be bitter, and I believe in forgiveness. But I wish only that occasionally I could take my time forgiving people when I am angry, and hold onto that anger so that people actually know that I Do get angry at them when they screw me over. But I can't. I don't. I get over it so fast, that I never confront anyone that deserves it. Which latley I notice is probably the reason they repeat those same kinds of actions against me over and over again. Flip out on Barbra at work, and she will forgive you. Take her credit card to mall, and she will forgive you. Pay your insurance and not tell her, so that she is short on rent, and she will forgive you. Never pay her back when she lends you money? No big deal! Have a problem? Don't worry, Barbra will fix it and not complain.
Well. I am NOT perfect. And sometimes, I WANT to complain. I want to scream and say, I am not an ATM! I want to be able to look a certain crazy co-worker in the eyes and say, "Don't talk to me like that." But. I am angry for a breath. And by the time I exhale, all those negative feelings are released. And then I am not angry anymore. And then I don't really see the point in talking to people about feelings I had for mere seconds of my life. Suddenly it doesn't seem that important, and it gets swept under the rug.
And people continue, wrongly, believing that I never get angry, because I am so damn patient.