Fowler's Five Stages... Part 3
***
Starbuck caught Brendan the next day.
"What the frak do you think you're doing?"
"Excuse me, sir?" Brendan said, trying to play dumb. Although he knew damn well that "dumb" didn't get you anywhere with Starbuck.
"You think you can rewrite the CAP schedule?" she demanded. "You think you're god now?"
"No, sir."
"I already checked with Cottle, and you weren't in the infirmary, so you'd better have damn good reason for not showing up for patrol."
"Nothing you would consider a good reason, sir."
Starbuck looked furious, but Brendan couldn't blame her. Not showing up for patrol was a major black mark, and he'd known it. But damn if the four extra shifts weren't worth it.
***
President Roslin died three days after what would have been Colonial Day.
To be honest, if it hadn’t been the central point of gossip, Brendan wouldn't have even noticed, and he didn't care all that much. Not about Roslin herself- he cared about that- but about the politics. As far as he was concerned the civilian government wasn't his problem. His ass belonged to the Galactica, and smarter people could figure out the rest.
He'd gone to the funeral, because a military contingent was pretty much required. He'd stood stiff in his dress grays, looking at the coffin covered in a Colonial flag. It was hard to watch, and he wondered if they were burying Laura Roslin or if they were all burying hope.
As it turned out, is was definitely Laura Roslin.
Brendan had made it back to the racks and was changing out of his dress grays when the Admiral came on over the wireless.
"Women and men of the Galactica. People of the Fleet. This is Admiral Adama.
"Two months ago, we led you to Earth. We found it to be dead, and we thought our hopes had died with it. We let you believe that our hopes had died with it. We were wrong. Not only wrong about the death of hope, but wrong to let you believe it.
We've been running, running for our lives for years. But now, for the first time, we've been given the means to fight back. The Cylons are incapable of resurrection now, and when we shoot, they will die. Their fleet has already been divided, and some of them have joined with us. It is not an easy alliance for any of us, but it is a necessary one.
"We are returning to the Colonies. We will not be able to live there, but we will be able to drive off the Cylon army and we will be able to reclaim our technology. We will be able to resupply, to refuel, and to win back our freedom. And when we have won back what is rightfully ours, we will be able to find a habitable planet and find a home, without fear of the Cylons.
"We will fight. We will win. And we will go home."
Home. Brendan closed his eyes, picturing the sun setting over the pastures and the fences and the neighing of the horses, the swing on the white front porch and the curtains blowing in the breeze. Home. He knew he couldn't really be there and it wouldn't be like that, but maybe, if they were there, it wouldn't hurt to remember so much anymore.
***
"Okay. So tell me about your dog," Brendan laughed, pouring a little more into Felix's glass.
"Oh, gods, the dog." Felix was laughing, too. "Her name was Scarlett. She was a Dalmatian."
"You named a Dalmation red?" Brendan asked incredulously.
"No," Felix said, "my sister named her Scarlett. I wanted to name her Madame Cat. But I was outvoted."
"Cat," Brendan snickered.
"I know." Felix smiled. "Anyway, she'd eat anything. And when I say anything, I mean anything. Once, she ate one of my sister's knee high nylons. You know the ones?"
"Yeah." Brendan went serious for a moment. "Is that what she died from?"
Felix shook his head, his eyes glinting with mischief. "Nope. The stocking went right on through… mostly." At Brendan's raised eyebrow, he explained. "It made it through her insides fine. But when it was coming out… well, it got stuck."
"Stuck?" Brendan felt the corners of his mouth twitching up.
"It was mostly out, and she was happy as anything," Felix laughed. "So, she bounded up and her tail was wagging one way and the stocking was going the other…" he demonstrated, waving with his hands, and both of them sputtered with laughter.
"What about you?" Felix asked, leaning across the table. "Did you have a dog?"
"Yeah, we had several of them," Brendan said. "My favorite was this mutt named Patches. Dumbest thing you'd ever want to meet. He was so stupid he'd chase cars, and then he'd bounce off them. Dumb thing didn't know he was supposed to be hurt, so he just shook his head and went right back to what he was doing. Good dog, though. Loyal as anything."
Felix nodded and looked pensive. "What is it?" Brendan asked.
"I was just thinking about Jake."
"Jake? From New Caprica?"
"Yeah. Talking about good dogs…" Felix sighed. "He's a good one."
"Surprised you didn't take him," Brendan said.
"Didn't know he was up for adoption," Felix said, more than a little bitterly. He sighed. "Besides, with the amount of work I do, the poor thing would be cooped up in here eighteen hours a day all alone. Not sure the Admiral would appreciate a dog in the CIC."
"Good point." Although Brendan couldn't help but think Jake would have been a good companion for Felix.
"Besides," Felix said, with a teasing sort of smile. "I have you. You at least don't have to be housebroken."
"Gee, thanks," Brendan laughed, but he didn't take offense.
Felix laughed with him, and then shuffled and dealt the cards. "Come on," he said, the warmth between them almost tangible. "Let's play."
Brendan picked up his hand agreeably, thinking that if things were just a little bit different, this intimacy could be so much more.
***
"That's it." Narcho slammed his fist against his locker. "That is frakking it!"
"What?" Brendan asked dully.
"Losing five pilots isn't great," Racetrack agreed, stripping off her sweaty tanks, "but we knew this was coming." But she said it in a dead, angry sort of voice.
"Doesn't matter," Narcho said. "They're still frakking dead." He rubbed his bleeding knuckles. "Showboat was a great pilot, and now she's… frak this." He grabbed his kit and headed for the shower. Racetrack and Brendan watched him with concern.
"Think he's going to be all right?" Racetrack asked.
Brendan shrugged. "Guess so. He's always like this when someone dies, and he and Showboat got on."
"Yeah." Racetrack was about to say something when Helo approached.
"How you guys doing?" he asked.
"All right, sir," Racetrack said, but Brendan didn't say much of anything.
"How was flying with the new basestars?" Helo asked. "Comm units working well with everyone?" They'd had a basestar of Sixes and a basestar of mainly Twos join them in the past few months. It helped, but it was sure weird as hell to be flying with the Cylons.
"Comms were fine, sir," Racetrack said. "It's the pilots that aren't."
Helo's face darkened. "Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know." He sighed, toweling his hair dry. "We're gonna have to do promotions. Narcho's gonna be moving up to second CAG."
"He could use a little good news today," Brendan muttered.
"Yeah, well, that takes care of one."
"What about the third CAG?" Racetrack asked.
Helo shrugged. "Whoever has the most time in grade and has the most hits is making captain, and that's who's getting the job, I guess. You guys need anything?"
"Nope." Racetrack shook her head.
"Good. There's a briefing in two hours. See you guys there." Helo wandered off, and Racetrack finished undressing.
"Well, I don't envy the person getting that job," she said. "Not these days. Do you think-" she said more, but Brendan wasn't listening. He'd just hit a realization that made his blood run cold.
Most time in grade and most hits. There was a very, very good chance that the third CAG could be him.
***
"You're sure?" Brendan asked Twofer anxiously. "You're absolutely sure?"
"What the frak? Of course I'm sure, Hot Dog. I still paint my kills on my Viper! I still think it's stupid that you guys don't do that, by the way," Twofer scowled.
"Whatever." Brendan could care less about Pegasus sensibilities. "And you're sure you're number two from the Pegasus?"
"I'm positive. Now go away, I've still got two more sets to do." Twofer leaned back in the leg sled seat and released the catch.
Brendan took off, swearing to himself. Twofer had been his last hope, and if he was right about his stats… he couldn't be. This was the last thing that Brendan wanted. He headed for the one place he knew he could work it through.
"I have a problem," Brendan said without preamble, bursting into Felix’s quarters.
Felix smiled at him and put his clipboard away. "What is it?" he asked, gesturing for Brendan to take a seat.
"There’s been a rumor around," Brendan said. "There’ll be promotions now that we lost second and third CAG. Helo says whoever has made most time in grade and most hits is going to make captain. That means third CAG. I checked with the others. That’s going to be me."
"Well then, congratulations," Felix said, like this was a good thing.
"I can’t make CAG, Felix!" Brendan said. "I don’t know how! I’ve never gotten the training, they only taught us how to fly when we were nuggets! And I told you how I didn’t manage flight school! I’m just not that clever!"
Felix blinked. "Nonsense." Brendan was about to argue that he knew his own brain, but Felix looked over his shoulder. "See that black folder over there? Bring it over," he ordered. "Also the large book with the fleet emblem on it."
Brendan knew better than to grumble, and a small seed of hope began blooming. Maybe, just maybe, it was possible that Felix could pull his ass out of the fire on this one.
“Now,” Felix continued, opening the command manual and pushing it to Brendan. “Most CAG duties are deck duties. The first thing you need to know as CAG is launch and landing protocol because the LSO and Chief rely on you to keep your pilots in order or they can’t do their jobs.”
Brendan groaned inwardly. There was a reason he didn't want this job and wasn't ready for it, and he suspected it was all right there in the thick books that Felix was holding.
***
"I don't get it!" Brendan was ready to tear his hair out with frustration.
"Because you aren't letting yourself understand it!" Felix's face was fixed into a patient expression. "You're creating a mental block for yourself because you're so convinced that you're stupid, and you're not. Stop thinking that."
"Fowler's five stages again, huh?" Brendan muttered.
"Huh?"
"Just something Hoshi told me a long time back. Did you know he used to be a priest?"
Felix had unfortunately just taken a sip of water, and spat it all over the books. "You're joking."
"Not joking at all. He was a chaplain until he switched over."
"Wow." Felix thought about that. "What happened to him?"
"You mean, terrible crisis and the gods shat on him type of thing?" Brendan asked. Felix nodded. "Nothing, far as I know. Unless he's lying."
"Mmm. So what's this with the five stages?"
"Oh. That. We were talking about something, and Hoshi started relating it to this guy's theories on how people figure out their religion. How first they don't even think about it, and then they start breaking down and questioning, and then they accept it."
"What, someone actually got something like that published?" Felix said scornfully. "It seems like common sense to me. What are you getting at?"
Brendan struggled to put it into words. "I don't entirely get it," he said, "but Hoshi said something about how every time something big and new comes into your life, you're forced to redefine yourself. You know, how you think of yourself and who you are and all that. And I guess he's right, because I when I think about it, I know I did it when I became a pilot, and I didn't do it when I went to flight school the first time. Not that I ever had a name for it. But it's sort of like that again."
"An awful lot of thought for a promotion," Felix muttered. "This had better not be going where I think it's going."
"Huh? Oh, your leg?" Brendan blinked. "Well, you can't deny there's some truth to that."
"Brendan…" Felix said through clenched teeth.
"Sorry," Brendan said with a shrug, because really, it was true. It was something he'd thought about before, but he was afraid explaining it would make Felix feel like he was pushing religion on him, and that wasn't the case at all. "Anyway," he continued, "it's just hard to wrap my mind around, someone putting me in a command position."
Felix took a deep breath and then another, and then picked up the pen. "It's not unbelievable," he insisted. "Command isn't about book smarts; it's about common sense and trust. And those are two things that you can do. Now let's try this again, because you're going to understand this, or I'm going to die trying."
Brendan groaned.
***
The thing was, whether he wanted to believe it or not, Felix was a really good teacher. A week later, Brendan felt like he had a far better understanding of deck protocol than he had managed in the three years he'd been serving. And when Adama gave him his new pins and his new rank, he didn’t break out into a nervous sweat.
"Congratulations, Hot Dog," Racetrack said after the Admiral had left.
"Thanks." Brendan had to admit he still felt awkward around her. He shoved his hands in his pockets and shifted.
"Oh, stop it," Racetrack laughed, and hugged him tight. "So," she said, breaking away but leaving her arm draped companionably around his neck, "important things. When and where are we having the party, and who's getting the booze?"
"I've got a bottle," Narcho contributed. "And I'm in the mood to celebrate." He grinned.
"What, your promotion party wasn't enough?" Racetrack laughed.
"Not really," Narcho laughed. "No party is enough. Let me know the when and where, and I can bring booze." He checked his watch. "I'd better go," he said.
"Gods, that man should not get as much regular sex as he does," Racetrack groused.
"It's with Hoshi," Brendan pointed out automatically, thinking of the arrangement they had and envying them intensely.
"I was talking about Hoshi," Racetrack said. "Anyway, how about tonight, after deck duty?"
"Sounds good," Brendan said.
"Is Felix going to come?" Racetrack asked.
"Can't see why not," Brendan said. "Speaking of which, I'm going to go tell him. See you tonight." He hurried off, a smile on his face.
Captain Costanza. He wished his sisters could hear that… and his mother. Pushing that thought from his mind, he focused on the positive. He, Brendan Costanza, Academy washout, was now a captain and third CAG. He opened Felix's hatch without knocking.
Felix was sitting at the table, working, like always. He looked up sharply and struggled to his feet. "Brendan. Is everything oka-" Felix cut off as Brendan hugged him. He couldn't help it.
"I got the promotion," he said, lifting Felix off the ground.
It was one of the few times he'd been allowed to be this close to Felix, and it was the first time he could really enjoy it, with Felix laughing and not crying and vulnerable. Felix's body was lean and lithe against his, and Brendan thought for a moment his head might have been against Brendan's shoulder. He hugged Felix for a long moment, just enjoying their connection.
"Thank you," he whispered into Felix's ear.
"Nothing to thank me for," Felix said back. "You deserve it."
Brendan gently set Felix down on the ground. "So, needless to say, get ready for some drinking tonight. We're scrounging up some booze and maybe even a little food. Oh, I’ve even gotten Margaret to come to my promotion party,” he added, thinking of the weeks of not-quite coldness between them and relieved that was over. “Tonight after deck duty, we’ll…”
Felix detangled himself, smiling but firm, renewing the grip on the crutch he hadn’t lost. “Great,” he said. “That’s great.”
"Yeah, she and Sharon both had to switch a shift to make it work. Anyway, you think you can make it down on your own? There are tricky stairways between the CIC and my place but not many and it isn’t that far. I checked."
Felix shook his head. "I’m sorry I can’t. I’m working doubles all week."
"Again?" Brendan protested.
"The third watch officer is in sickbay a lot," Felix answered. "He needs some time off."
Like tonight? You can't even switch? Thanks a lot, Felix. "I see," he finally said, trying to hide the hurt in his voice. "Hey, by the way, Chief told me to tell you if you've got a few moments, he wants to talk to you about some sort of algorithm for fuel rationing, or something like that. I didn't get all of it."
Felix smiled. "All right. You want to sit down?"
Brendan shook his head. "I just stopped by to tell you," he lied. "I have a meeting. Work already." He rolled his eyes, and then left the quarters. One of these days he'd get it through his head that this wasn't ever going to happen.
***
"You know," Narcho said, "for a man who just received a promotion and who has a drink in his hand, you don't look very happy."
"I'm fine," Brendan insisted. "I am happy."
"You'd just be happier if Gaeta showed up," Narcho muttered. Brendan flushed, looking around. Fortunately most people were distracted by the drinking contest going on between Starbuck, Racetrack, and Skulls. "Where is he, by the way?"
"Don't know," Brendan said. "I thought he'd come, but he said he couldn't get out of his shift. Course, he didn't even try," he said. He looked at Hoshi. "He is in the CIC, isn't he?"
"He is, but Dualla's not. She could have covered."
"Frak." Brendan sat down. "I have no idea why he didn't come."
"He thinks you're in love with Racetrack," Hoshi offered.
"Huh? With Margaret?"
"Well, you were sleeping with her, and everyone knows it."
"Yeah. Twice."
Hoshi shrugged.
Brendan shook his head. "Wouldn't matter anyway. Unless he was jealous."
"That might be my point," Hoshi said. He poured himself a drink and knocked it back. "I'm not sure anymore."
"Come on, Hot Dog," Narcho said. "I think it's time you get good and drunk."
Confused beyond all measure, Brendan extended his glass. "I think so, too."
***
That might be my point, Hoshi had said. Was Felix jealous of Margaret? The thought was one of the most incomprehensible that Brendan had ever wandered across, and given the events of the past years, that was really saying something.
But what if he was? Now that he thought about it, it made sense. He remembered everyone joking about him and Margaret over the wireless, and Felix would have heard every word. He hadn't thought about that. And if Felix had never read that letter that Brendan had given him, he had no reason to think that Brendan was bi, much less even interested.
Well, then.
He waited a few days, just to see if Felix said anything. When he didn't, he decided to take matters into his own hands.
"Oh, and there’s Margaret," he said one day as they were eating, as if he was just relaying more of the ship's gossip. "She claims it’s nothing, but Skulls says she sneaks off every time they make a supply run to the Gemenon Cruiser. Comes back with dopey grins, too. Now, she never tells me anything anymore but I bet she’ll tell Sharon. Sharon always spills."
Felix frowned. "That’s a shame. You must be crushed."
"What?" he asked, as casually as he could. "Oh, that. I thought you knew. That never took, we’ve been back to being friends. I mean, Margaret’s smoking hot but turns out, that’s all there was between us. I think she still doesn’t take me seriously, what with her always giving me funny looks when I say something clever.
"Anyway," he said after a moment, staring at his bowl as he ate, "I’ve been thinking. I want to try out some new things, reorient myself a bit. Women are nice without question but maybe other things aren’t bad either." It occurred to Brendan that this was the first time he'd told anyone besides Narcho, Hoshi, Racetrack, or Athena that he was bi. It was a strange feeling.
"Like what?"
Brendan gestured with his spoon. "Well, you know. There were some pretty interesting things on that frak list I wrote you." He returned his attention to the food. "And I bet blowjobs are more fun with guys, too. I mean, I’m not saying that the butt sex isn’t a bit scary, because it is, but I figure I don’t have to try it all at once."
"Whatever brought this on?" Felix asked, genuinely denser than anyone ever gave him credit for.
"Been thinking about it for a while. I wanted to be sure it would keep steady before I made any announcements, you know? Not that I’ve tried anything yet but I’ve been thinking about it. I’m really sure. I figured it wouldn’t make sense to go through the trouble if I don’t really mean it."
"Oh." Felix seemed to be having trouble digesting this. "And… well, how did you find out?"
"I don’t know." Brendan glanced up at him then. "Just happened."
***
For two long days, nothing happened. He didn't see much of Felix, but when he did, Felix treated him like he always did. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
And then he held a hatch opened, and Felix couldn't have been any colder if he'd frozen back on New Caprica. And Brendan knew he'd finally read that damn letter, and the answer was no.
Well, shit.
***
After a few days, Felix's warmth increased again, and Brendan got the message loud and clear. Felix didn't want anything more than a friendship, but he treasured that friendship very much.
Narcho was right about Brendan's feelings, he realized. This must be love, to know you wanted someone this badly, but just to be content with the fact that they were in your life, because you couldn't ever imagine your life without them.
It might not be what he wanted, but Brendan had Felix in his life, and he was happy for it.
***
The controls of the Viper shook under Brendan's hands, and he glided between the two raiders. He aimed, fired, and watched another raider- one of the enemies- explode in a shower of sparks. There was a grim satisfaction in the victory.
"Carburetor, you've got a bogie coming in at four o'clock."
"I'm on it," the Eight in the heavy raider below him said, and she dove down. Brendan had never thought he'd be helping a Cylon protect her own ass, but after a few months of alliance, it could almost feel normal if he didn’t think about it too hard. He saw her engage the Raider, and smiled when she won.
"Blue squadron, let's go," Starbuck said, and a group of Vipers and heavy raiders, all in formation, swarmed in on the basestar.
"Hot Dog, this is Galactica." It was Felix's voice in his ear. "Your squadron ready?"
"Ready when you are, Galactica," Brendan said with a smile. The baseship was right there in front them, and he steeled himself.
Brendan rarely remembered the details of battles after he landed, except the big things. But he didn't think he'd ever forget the sight of the second basestar appearing, and the missiles that went flying towards Galactica. He turned his Viper, yelling at his squadron until his throat was sore.
He managed to destroy one of the four, and Snake Eyes and Lambskin each got another. But one hit the Galactica, shaking it with a force that Brendan could almost feel.
"Galactica!" he shouted into the communicator. "Are you all right?" As only static greeted him, he didn’t think he'd be able to breathe.
Finally, the static broke. "Shoot the bastards down," Felix's voice ordered over the static. The signal was rough and the words were hard to make out, but Felix sounded intact. Brendan shuddered with relief, and gripped his controls again.
***
The Cylons were the ones to retreat, but the celebratory atmosphere was severely diminished by the deaths on the hangar bay. Pilot deaths, as sad as they were, were expected. Knuckledragger deaths were rarer, and even rarer were those times when the latter outweighed the former. This was one of those times.
Fifteen crewmen, seven specialists, and three officers, including Aaron Kelly. And that wasn't counting the five pilots that had died in the fight, or any of their Cylon allies.
Brendan attended the funeral, but this time it was hard to feel much. He supposed that he was getting too used to funerals, too used to people dying. All he could feel was relief that none of these people that they were laying to rest was anyone he'd been close to, and all he could think about was how badly he needed to sleep.
He really wished he could feel something more.
***
"Hey, Felix."
Felix looked up as Brendan carried the tray in. There was an odd expression on his face, but Brendan couldn't bring himself to analyze it. He was too tired. "You okay?"
"I'm fine," Felix said. He had a sheaf of papers spread out before him. "Starting to work on the schedule for repairs already. It's going to be a bitch to coordinate."
With this detachment he was feeling, Brendan could see that Felix was actually feeling alive. Like he had a purpose. And there was something in his eyes- some sort of pride. Brendan felt a little energy return to him. Not much, but a little.
Felix noticed it, too. "You look tired."
"Yeah."
"You didn't lose any of your guys, did you?"
"No." He finally noticed the pins. "Hey, wait-"
Felix smiled shyly. "It's nothing," he began. "I know the Admiral-"
"It's something. Captain Gaeta. I like it." Brendan felt warmth returning to him. "We should celebrate."
The smile left Gaeta's face. "I don't want a party."
"What? It's a promotion. Of course you should have a party," Brendan said.
"With who? Dee's never around anymore." Felix frowned. "Rumor has it she's been hooking up with someone, but I'm not sure who, and she won't say."
"Really? I'll try to find out for you," Brendan said, but wouldn't let Felix deter him from the subject. "But seriously. A party."
"Brendan, please. No. You know me better than that." Felix's eyes were pleading, and Brendan capitulated.
"Okay. Not a party then, but a drink at Joe's at the least."
--"I don't know…" Felix began.
Brendan sprang to his feet, exhaustion forgotten in the face of a slight waver from Felix. "Come on," he said, grabbing Felix's crutches and handing them to him. "Let's go."
***
They were sitting in the bar when Hoshi and Narcho joined them. "Felix," Hoshi said, smiling. "Nice to see you off duty."
"Nice to be off duty, I guess." Felix said awkwardly. "It's been busy. And it's going to get busier."
"I know. Hey, have you had a chance to look at the XP-12 unit?" Hoshi asked.
Brendan watched them chatting. "Should I be annoyed they're talking about work, or just relieved that Felix is out and talking?" he asked Narcho as an aside.
"They aren't talking about work," Narcho said. "They're talking about computers. There's a difference."
"Yeah?" Brendan asked dubiously.
Narcho sighed. "Felix drank with us once before the Demetrius mission," he said. "When I finally gave up and went to bed, he and Louis were still talking about some gaming console. And not the games you could play on it," he added. "The inner workings of it. I'd be jealous, but I don't think they'd ever stop talking about computers long enough to actually get into bed."
Brendan laughed. "So you guys ever sort out the marriage thing?"
"We're talking about it," Narcho admitted. He smiled. "He's coming around, I think. It just takes a long time, you know?"
"Yeah." Brendan sighed.
Narcho leaned a little closer. "He's been watching you more, you know."
"Don't say that."
"Why? Just saying what I see."
Brendan shook his head. "You say it, I'll start believing it, and when it doesn't happen…."
Narcho nodded understandingly. "You never know," he finally said. "But until then, let's go get more drinks."
***
"Did you have a good time?" Brendan asked Felix as they walked back to Felix's quarters. Felix was moving lots better these days, and Brendan didn't have to keep his pace nearly as slow.
"I did," Felix admitted. "Thanks."
"Hey, any time, you know that, right?"
Felix looked up at him. His gaze was dark and intense, but then he smiled. "Yeah," he said. "I do know that."
"Good."
They walked in silence until they reached Felix's quarters, and then Brendan stood awkwardly as Felix punched in the code. He opened the hatch, but he wasn't sure…
"Aren't you coming in for a bit?" Felix asked, glancing over his shoulder. "We could have one more drink."
It would really be a drink, not code for anything else. Brendan knew that. But there was absolutely no place else he'd rather be. He grinned. "Of course." The hatch closed behind him, shutting them both into Felix's little haven, where most of the world wasn't allowed.
***
Brendan thought that maybe Felix would emerge from his shell more, but he was wrong. After their small celebration at Joe's, Felix retreated back behind work and duties. When he and Brendan were together in his quarters, Felix was what Brendan thought of as himself; sometimes warm and laughing, sometimes bitter and grumpy, but letting Brendan into his world, letting him see what he was really feeling. But if anyone else was around, he was cool, professional, organized Gaeta. On the one hand, Brendan cherished that double life, because it showed him just how close they really were. On the other hand, it wasn't healthy for Felix, and that was more important.
"Come on," Brendan begged, a month later and for the thousandth time. "Let's go to Joe's."
"That's all right," Felix said. "I've got work to do."
"You can take a break. Everyone does. And you had fun last time."
"That was before Tigh died," Felix muttered. The Cylon Colonel had been killed in a refueling mission that had been rudely interrupted by a Cylon sneak attack. Brendan knew Felix wasn't exactly grieving the loss, but also that a lot of Tigh's duties had fallen directly on his shoulders, especially the CIC ones. "I just haven't had time."
"So make time. Come to Joe's with me," Brendan suggested. "I won't even so much as roll my eyes if you and Hoshi geek out the whole time."
Felix shook his head. "Not tonight, he said in that firm tone of voice that Brendan recognized there was no arguing with. "Go without me." It wasn't so much a request as an order.
"Fine," Brendan sighed. "See you later. But if you want to come down, you'd be welcome."
Felix smiled, but Brendan knew the answer already. He wasn't coming down. He left, completely frustrated.
***
There was an empty seat at their table at Joe's, and it stayed empty all night. After a while, Brendan couldn't even be bothered to complain about Narcho using it as a footstool- he was far too annoyed.
"He won't come drinking. He wouldn't let me throw a party for his promotion. He won't even play cards in the rec room! I know that he lost a leg, but it's been a frakking year, almost!" Brendan said, gesturing with his glass. Dee ducked before he managed to slip the liquid all over her.
Helo shrugged. "Gaeta's never been the most social person anyway," he said. "Even before the attacks-"
"He'd still play cards though, sometimes," Dee interrupted. "Hot Dog's right. Enough is enough."
"Thank you." Brendan clinked his glass Dee's in some sort of drunken solidarity. "Now the question is, how do we get his ass out of his quarters."
"A party?" mused Racetrack. "One he can't resist?"
"He's pretty good at resisting parties," Dee sighed.
"Not if we do it right." Racetrack was warming to the subject. "There would be lots of booze, of course-"
"Your answer to every problem," Hoshi teased her.
"And we could get music, and maybe even invite every attractive guy we can find."
"Hey!" Brendan said.
"No, no, Racetrack's got a point," Dee mused. "There's something to be said for… decoration."
"I'll come, of course," Narcho immediately volunteered, "and Helo will be there, right?" He knocked Helo in the arm.
"I'd like to think as a friend rather than a piece of meat, but sure."
"And we could get Skulls to come," Dee added, warming up to the subject. "And Twofer."
"Ooh! How about Stroud!" Narcho suggested eagerly.
"He's okay," Racetrack said thoughtfully, "although a little too beefcake for my tastes."
"Muscles," Narcho said like this was the most important thing in the world. Hoshi looked offended for a moment, and then shrugged and nodded.
"I'd say Anders," Dee mused, "but that's a big no-go."
"Actually, they went to Joe's together one night," Brendan corrected. "But why does everyone keep saying Anders is hot? I don't get it."
"You don't?" Helo asked, shocked. "Even I get that one."
"Tyrol," Hoshi suggested.
Racetrack snorted liquor out her nose and started coughing so hard that Dee had to pound her back. Narcho stared at Hoshi wide-eyed. "You think Tyrol is hot?"
"Well, yeah," Hoshi said, flushing a bit. "I kind of like the every man sort of look."
"Tyrol?" Dee said incredulously. "You're with Narcho, and you think Tyrol is hot?"
"I never said it made sense." Hoshi drank. "Besides, Noel's with me, so that only proves there's no accounting for taste. And don't get sappy," he warned when Narcho opened his mouth, "or I'm sure Racetrack will smack you upside the head."
"Smart man," Racetrack said to Narcho. "Even if he does have atrocious taste."
"I'm never going to live this down, am I?" Hoshi asked warily.
"Not for a million years," Narcho said with an evil grin.
Brendan listened to the teasing and the banter with a weary kind of longing. It would be a perfect evening, if only Felix could be here. No, if only Felix would be here.
It wasn't him. Brendan knew that. When they were together in Felix's quarters, they were close and warm and Felix was completely different. It was only when he suggested leaving that Felix shut down. Facing Brendan no longer scared him in the least, but facing other people still did. Even people like Helo and Dee, who loved Felix deeply.
Deeply enough, Brendan realized, that they'd come to him. All he had to do was arrange it.
***
"He knows we're coming?" Helo asked around his lollipop.
"Sort of," Brendan said. "He knows something is going on."
"It will be good," Dee insisted. She had dragged Laird with her, although Brendan was pretty sure Laird would follow Dee wherever she went. Narcho hadn't been able to make it, but Hoshi and Racetrack were arguing with each other about one of the rules. He knocked loudly on the hatch, and then let himself into Felix's quarters.
"Evening, Felix" Brendan said, tossing Felix a pack of cigarettes and holding the hatch open for Helo, who was carrying a chair in each hand, nodding at Felix, lollipop in mouth.
"What are you..." Felix started saying, then stopped and sank back down on his rack as the others came in. Brendan's breath caught, but Felix smiled at him and he relaxed.
"It sure beats the rec room in terms of ambiance," Hoshi remarked, having a curious look around.
Helo gave the room an appreciative glance, too. "I must say I don’t mind having a head that close by either."
"Well, Sharon says she’ll let you play cards all the time if you check in on Hera next door between games," Brendan said with a grin, leaning over and helping Felix to a chair at the table in one swift move.
"All right," Dee said when everybody settled down. "Who’ll deal?"
The evening was exactly like Brendan had pictured, but even better. There was warmth and laughter, and Felix relaxed into the games. There were cracks appearing all over the shell, and the real Felix kept peeking through.
But more than that, Brendan was almost positive Felix's fingers lingered on his whenever they touched. He thought their eyes met a little more often, thought that Felix laughed just a bit more. But they'd gotten so close, maybe he was just noticing it more because other people were around. He kept reminding himself not to get his hopes up, and this wasn't going to happen. No matter how much he wished it would.
***
By the time they cleared out, it was well after rack time. "Quite a night, huh?" he asked Felix, extremely pleased with himself.
"I can’t believe Hoshi drank all that ambrosia." Felix was smiling.
"Yeah, he’s becoming quite the party animal."
"Maybe we should invite the Chief next time."
He was joining in. He'd been paying attention to the general ribbing of Hoshi, and to all of the jokes and the laughter and life that had been at the table. Brendan couldn’t help smiling. One day he'd have to tell Felix about Hoshi and Narcho, but not tonight. Tonight, Brendan had to ask something else.
"Well, how’s it going with readjustment?" Is this something you could do more often? Are you finding your way back?
Felix opened his mouth, and then stopped. Brendan's heart lurched a little, and he waited.
“I hate the stairway in the CIC,” Felix finally said. “I stumble every time I have to be at tactical fast.”
After a year of trying, he'd finally broken through - really broken through. Brendan found himself in the odd position of wanting to cry. "Maybe you could ask Adama to install a ramp or something," he said, his voice hoarse.
Felix blinked. "I really could."
There was silence between them again, heavy and thick. Brendan found he didn't really know what to say. Felix seemed like something was on his mind, and whatever it was, some instinct told Brendan to stay quiet.
"Uhm," Felix finally said, sounding nervous. "About that sex list you gave me once." Brendan couldn't breathe. "I’ve been thinking maybe it’s time to try some things out. I wouldn’t say I’m quite there yet on all accounts… but I guess I don’t have to try everything at once."
"That’s great," Brendan said before he could wake up and realize this was all a dream. "What about kissing?"
"Definitely a possibility," Felix blurted, and Brendan broke into motion, closing the space between them with a few large steps.
"About frakking time," he said. He wrapped his arms around Felix's waist, and pulled him close to him, kissing him gently at first, and then letting his world focus down to Felix alone. Felix kissed him back eagerly, one hand cupping the back of Brendan's neck, the other sliding under his tanks. It was the first time Brendan had kissed a man before, but more importantly- far more importantly- it was the first time he had kissed Felix, and if Brendan had his say, Felix would be the only person he kissed from now on.
Eventually they needed to breathe, and Brendan broke the kiss, still holding Felix tightly against him. He closed his eyes, seeing only bright white light, like visible happiness.
"About frakking time?" Felix repeated, his lips against Brendan's cheek.
He thought of the year he'd waited, and knew right now every second had been worth it. "Sure was," he admitted, kissing the crook of Felix's neck, arms wrapping tighter around him. "How about I stay the night? That okay, too?" he added quietly.
Felix didn't answer, but he nuzzled against him, and Brendan took that as a yes. He knew that they wouldn't be rushing into anything- hard as that might be- but that was just as well, because he wanted this to be right. After all the waiting, after all the adjustments and all the steps forward and steps back, they were together. About frakking time, he thought with a smile.