#126 The All-New Mallory Pike
Oh my god you guys, this was hard to snark. This was one of my favorites when I first read it - all because I was about the same age as Mallory at the time and holy christ did I want to go to this boarding school. Like Mallory, I was the smart girl who got picked on in middle school, so this book was like escapist crack for my 11-or-12-year-old self. So reading it now is almost depressing because seriously guys, virtually no one in this book has an once of common sense. And Mallory acts like a twatty little doormat the entire time. THANKS FOR RAPING MY PRETEEN FANTASTIES MALLORY! However, I actually stuck it out in the public school system and eventually grew a backbone and a smart mouth, so really, I feel like I've come out ahead in the end.
Plus, reading this book now gives me flashbacks to my own awful roommate experience my freshman year of college.
But first, the cover (thanks dibbly-fresh!):
For starters, I apparently missed the book where Mallory lost both of her hands in an industrial accident of some sort (Mallory and the Not Up-to-Code Textile Mill!). Also, that is one seriously janky sign. It looks like they slapped that font on with a copy of MSPaint.
Our story begins with Mallory writing in her journal to recap why she's getting the fuck out of Stoneybrook for the readers who missed the last few books. Summary of the Recap: I tried to be a student teacher and I sucked and now everyone calls me Spaz Girl.
Actual Dialogue to Demonstrate the Level of Teasing:
"Hey, where's Spaz Girl?" I heard a boy call. "I haven't seen her in awhile."
"Spaz Girl?" someone answered. "She's probably spazzing around somewhere."
A girl laughed uproariously at his remark.
Seriously? That's what emotionally damaged her to the point where she had to change schools? I remember when I first read that part I thought that those kids were idiots who couldn't use an insult if it came with an instruction manual. And I was a child. And have you ever read the book where all of this goes down? Mallory spends the entire time freaking out about her student teaching and her mantra seems to be, "I'm gonna fuck up, I'm gonna fuck up, I'm gonna fuck up!" And then guess what, she fucks up! Self-fulfilling prophesy 101. Shut up Mallory.
Then we get to everyone's favorite part: the Chapter Two Recap! Because it's not like we could possibly remember these characters from the hundred other books we've read about them! Also, I'm very sad to report that there is not a single Claudia outfit description in this entire book, not even chapter two. Let us have a moment of silence for the over-sized sweaters and earrings made out of potato chips or whatever the hell that girl's been wearing.
After Mallory is finished reminiscing about things everyone already knows, we go to a real live BSC meeting. With junk food! And nail polish! And Kristy trying to shut everybody up! Because oh my god, y'all, it's Mal's last meeting! And Mal practically has a breakdown because she's going to miss being in the cult club so much. It's so terrible that this is her last meeting...ever! Mallory, you're a tard. They kept Dawn as an honorary member and she moved permanently to California. You'll probably be back for a visit by Easter and will be home all summer. Do you really think that you'll come home and the entire club will be all like, "Sorry, no baby-sitting for you bitch!" So obviously they make her an official honorary member and present her with a certificate and everything. Then they all start telling Abby stories about Mal's baby-sitting exploits (because I don't know if you guys remember this, but Abby's new).
Then the meeting's over and everybody skedaddles real quick and Mallory's left with Jessi and Claudia to walk her home. And when they get there, Surprise! It's Mal's going away party. Well I know if I were friends with Mallory I'd be celebrating if she left too.
Mallory wakes up and it's the day! She and her family act all shmoopy with the goodbyes, and Mallory of course is freaking the fuck out. Jessi and Mary Anne come over to watch the hellions while Mal's parents are taking her to school. Mal and Jessi are all, "OMG I'LL MISS YOU!!!". Surprisingly, Jessi never once accuses Mallory of going off to boarding school because she's black.
Pretty much as soon as the car pulls out of of the driveway all hell breaks loose at the Pike house. Apparently, Mallory was the calming influence in the family, which is a scary thought, considering the girl could probably have a conniption fit over making toast. So the kids are all depressed that their sister's gone (Vanessa's even writing some emo poetry about it) and the triplets are making a play for power since they're now the oldest. So Jessi and Mary Anne are all, "Well great, this is gonna be a barrel of fucking laughs" and then all the kids seem to simultaneously realize that Mallory leaving means that Vanessa's going to have her own room. And the Pike kids proceed to flip their shit.
So Mallory gets to school and meets her "prefect". Whatever ghosties, I don't care how fancy-shmancy you're trying to make this place sound, she's an RA. The RA's name is Pam and like all RAs (and those of you who've been to college can attest to this) she is so unbelievably excited to meet you. It's adorable though, so I can't really give her too much crap. Mallory gets into her room and it's basically covered in all of her new roommate's stuff. So Mallory's all like, "Oh, I guess she was in a rush to leave for the holidays, and she just plumb forgot about it! She'll probably come back tomorrow and be all like, 'Oh my god, I'm so sorry I didn't clear some more space for you, my bad!' and I'll tell her not to worry about it. And then we can braid each other's hair!"
Then Mallory's parents leave and she heads off to orientation, where we learn that in addition to being pretentious enough to call it's RAs prefects, it's also an alternative learning school. And you totally call your teachers by their first names! That means that half of the classes involve macramé and the other half involve walking around in the woods trying to find yourself. Who wants to place bets on how much weed there is in the senior dormitory?
While Mal's at orientation she meets Smita, the other new girl in the 6th grade. Sadly, due to a genetic defect, Smita was born without a personality. But they live in the same dorm, so Mallory will take what she can get in the friend department.
Part 2 coming soon.
Plus, reading this book now gives me flashbacks to my own awful roommate experience my freshman year of college.
But first, the cover (thanks dibbly-fresh!):
For starters, I apparently missed the book where Mallory lost both of her hands in an industrial accident of some sort (Mallory and the Not Up-to-Code Textile Mill!). Also, that is one seriously janky sign. It looks like they slapped that font on with a copy of MSPaint.
Our story begins with Mallory writing in her journal to recap why she's getting the fuck out of Stoneybrook for the readers who missed the last few books. Summary of the Recap: I tried to be a student teacher and I sucked and now everyone calls me Spaz Girl.
Actual Dialogue to Demonstrate the Level of Teasing:
"Hey, where's Spaz Girl?" I heard a boy call. "I haven't seen her in awhile."
"Spaz Girl?" someone answered. "She's probably spazzing around somewhere."
A girl laughed uproariously at his remark.
Seriously? That's what emotionally damaged her to the point where she had to change schools? I remember when I first read that part I thought that those kids were idiots who couldn't use an insult if it came with an instruction manual. And I was a child. And have you ever read the book where all of this goes down? Mallory spends the entire time freaking out about her student teaching and her mantra seems to be, "I'm gonna fuck up, I'm gonna fuck up, I'm gonna fuck up!" And then guess what, she fucks up! Self-fulfilling prophesy 101. Shut up Mallory.
Then we get to everyone's favorite part: the Chapter Two Recap! Because it's not like we could possibly remember these characters from the hundred other books we've read about them! Also, I'm very sad to report that there is not a single Claudia outfit description in this entire book, not even chapter two. Let us have a moment of silence for the over-sized sweaters and earrings made out of potato chips or whatever the hell that girl's been wearing.
After Mallory is finished reminiscing about things everyone already knows, we go to a real live BSC meeting. With junk food! And nail polish! And Kristy trying to shut everybody up! Because oh my god, y'all, it's Mal's last meeting! And Mal practically has a breakdown because she's going to miss being in the cult club so much. It's so terrible that this is her last meeting...ever! Mallory, you're a tard. They kept Dawn as an honorary member and she moved permanently to California. You'll probably be back for a visit by Easter and will be home all summer. Do you really think that you'll come home and the entire club will be all like, "Sorry, no baby-sitting for you bitch!" So obviously they make her an official honorary member and present her with a certificate and everything. Then they all start telling Abby stories about Mal's baby-sitting exploits (because I don't know if you guys remember this, but Abby's new).
Then the meeting's over and everybody skedaddles real quick and Mallory's left with Jessi and Claudia to walk her home. And when they get there, Surprise! It's Mal's going away party. Well I know if I were friends with Mallory I'd be celebrating if she left too.
Mallory wakes up and it's the day! She and her family act all shmoopy with the goodbyes, and Mallory of course is freaking the fuck out. Jessi and Mary Anne come over to watch the hellions while Mal's parents are taking her to school. Mal and Jessi are all, "OMG I'LL MISS YOU!!!". Surprisingly, Jessi never once accuses Mallory of going off to boarding school because she's black.
Pretty much as soon as the car pulls out of of the driveway all hell breaks loose at the Pike house. Apparently, Mallory was the calming influence in the family, which is a scary thought, considering the girl could probably have a conniption fit over making toast. So the kids are all depressed that their sister's gone (Vanessa's even writing some emo poetry about it) and the triplets are making a play for power since they're now the oldest. So Jessi and Mary Anne are all, "Well great, this is gonna be a barrel of fucking laughs" and then all the kids seem to simultaneously realize that Mallory leaving means that Vanessa's going to have her own room. And the Pike kids proceed to flip their shit.
So Mallory gets to school and meets her "prefect". Whatever ghosties, I don't care how fancy-shmancy you're trying to make this place sound, she's an RA. The RA's name is Pam and like all RAs (and those of you who've been to college can attest to this) she is so unbelievably excited to meet you. It's adorable though, so I can't really give her too much crap. Mallory gets into her room and it's basically covered in all of her new roommate's stuff. So Mallory's all like, "Oh, I guess she was in a rush to leave for the holidays, and she just plumb forgot about it! She'll probably come back tomorrow and be all like, 'Oh my god, I'm so sorry I didn't clear some more space for you, my bad!' and I'll tell her not to worry about it. And then we can braid each other's hair!"
Then Mallory's parents leave and she heads off to orientation, where we learn that in addition to being pretentious enough to call it's RAs prefects, it's also an alternative learning school. And you totally call your teachers by their first names! That means that half of the classes involve macramé and the other half involve walking around in the woods trying to find yourself. Who wants to place bets on how much weed there is in the senior dormitory?
While Mal's at orientation she meets Smita, the other new girl in the 6th grade. Sadly, due to a genetic defect, Smita was born without a personality. But they live in the same dorm, so Mallory will take what she can get in the friend department.
Part 2 coming soon.