#90 - Welcome to the BSC, Abby!
Wow okay, so I haven't snarked in months. Maybe one day I'll actually return to Jessi's Secret Language, but for now, I can't be bothered. Instead, I thought I'd pull out one of the couple of Abby books I have, since she doesn't get too much coverage around here. This one is pretty classic snark material. It has everything! Kristy bitchery! A babysitting EMERGENCY! A carnival! Pikes, Karen, AND the Arnold twins! Drama! Allergies! Crying! Me driving a metal spike through my head!
Oh, and as a special bonus, at the end you'll get to see my childhood answers to the fill-in thing in the back. That should be nice and hilarious.
I'm actually really digging Abby's outfit here. It kind of looks like how Claudia would dress if she were sane. But let's talk about the Papadakis kids here for a second. Linny looks about right, but Hannie looks more Asian than Greek, and Sari looks like a midget lesbian trucker. I can totally picture Kristy getting that haircut one day, and she would loudly announce the whole "business in the front, party in the back" thing, and Stacey would just keel over dead on the spot. Things to keep away from Stacey: M&Ms, processed cheese, mullets.
Chapter One: Shockingly, this book does not begin with dialogue. Instead, it begins with new-kid-Abby telling us how people in Stoneybrook are so! weird! because they name their cars. Actually, only Kristy's brother and grandmother do that, but obviously the first people you meet in a new town represent everyone there, right? Also, right on page 2, Abby hilariously describes Kristy as a "bossy beast", but adds "but she's polite." Riiight.
Since this is Abby's first book, we get a lot of exposition about her background and whatnot. For those who never made it to Abby, I'll recap: She loves sports, she makes dumb jokes, she has the music taste of a 50-year-old (I do too, so I can't really make fun), she has asthma and allergies, she has a twin named Anna who plays violin, they're from Long Island, they're Jewish, their dad died in a car accident when they were 9, I like comma splices. That is a grand total of EIGHT character traits, which may be a record for a BSC member.
Oh, there's one little story she tells that I want to mention because it always confused me. After her dad died she felt like she couldn't laugh for a long time, which is really sad and understandable, so that's not the weird part. But apparently she started laughing at school one day, and just got up and walked home, and when her mom got home she just said she was sick. In what universe can you DO that? At any school I went to, even if you were really sneaky there's no way you could just escape without a hall monitor, or the Nazi assistant principal we had, or somebody catching you. And a 9-year-old walking home by herself during school hours, and no one getting suspicious, and their parent not killing them, and my brain, it hurts.
Also, Abby helps Kristy's siblings make pasta jewelry in this chapter, for no reason. Just barely moved to Stoneybrook, and already the Cult hivemind has taken her over. She never had a chance.
Chapter Two: Not much of note here, except that the BSC had originally invited both Abby and Anna to join and were all OMGWTFBBQ?!?1 when Anna said no, because "nobody had ever turned them down before." I'm sure Kristy cried herself to sleep that night, after an evening of Lifetime movies and Haagen Dazs.
We also get introduced to the plot device du jour: Stoneybrook schools are going to be cutting back funding for their art and music programs. Most of the girls, particularly Claudia and Jessi, are upset by this, but Abby rudely assumes the arts are not important because she is personally not interested in them. Jessi tries to say art and music are as important as soccer, and Abby is all "gee I don't know about THAT." Reading this always makes me want to fling the book against the wall, because I come from a family of artists and musicians, myself included, and I encounter people with that attitude all the time in real life. Yeah, art and music are totally unimportant! It's not like they've been around since the beginning of civilization, or anything! Sigh.
Anyway, Abby finally decides to give a shit when she remembers Anna likes music and stuff, and maybe it'd be nice if her sister wasn't totally devastated, and all that. Luckily, there's going to be - wait for it - a CARNIVAL! Which of course the BSC eagerly sign up for, because it will OMG save the arts! Because a single carnival will totally pay for the thousands of dollars an art and music program needs to keep running for an entire year. Double sigh.
Chapter Three: Abby goes to babysit for the Papadakises, as seen on the cover, and actually even mentions she'd dressed up for school that day. Holy consistency, Batman! Her allergies start acting up because of all the animals and their stupid rhyming names (I happen to be allergic to rhyming names too), so they go outside to play basketball. Because sports are just the thing to do when you're having trouble breathing. Predictably, she starts having an asthma attack, and Hannie freaks the hell out and runs out in front of a car, so Abby freaks out and tries to stop her, and it's one big freakout party, maaaan. Kristy conveniently shows up just in time to call 911 and make all kinds of bitchy judgemental faces at Abby as the paramedics are taking her away. Because having an illness makes you an irresponsible twit, in the eyes of Overlord Thomas.
Chapter Four: Abby is in the ER, and keeps trying to convince us she's an emergency room veteran and knows the routine and how it's all boring. She's right - unless you're in for a gunshot wound or a burst appendix or something dramatic like that, emergency rooms are painfully boring. But of course the ghosties decided to make us read about them anyway. I, on the other hand, will spare you. She goes home that night and everyone in the Cult calls her individually. Which is... sweet, but didn't they consider that she might want to rest or something? I'd probably get pissy by like the third call if it was me, because all of my ER visits have been followed by very long naps. But then, I'm a phone grouch anyway.
The next day at the bus stop Kristy goes right back into bitch mode and starts grilling Abby on how often "these things" happen. At first Abby is cool about it, but K.Ron gets more and more rude until Abby is all BITCH PLZ and Kristy backs down. Brass balls, Abby. Unfortunately, in her own head she decides to pander to Kristy, resolving to "work twice as hard and prove I really was a world-class babysitter." Because dashing into the street to rescue a child, putting your own life in danger in multiple ways in the process, is not working hard enough for the Cult!
Many have lamented how annoying the sports stuff in these books is, given that BSC fans are generally bookish nerds (or were as kids, at any rate). We get a good example of that here, with an entire page and a half about lucky cleats and how you repair them with black goo and duct tape. Or something. Anna is all like "Que?" and so am I. Then Abby tries to get her family all excited about the carnival, but they're not feeling it, and she's all OMG, because Abby has already partaken of the BSC Kool-Aid and cannot fathom busy people not wanting to spend their free time setting up crappy carnival booths. Seriously, Abby, you keep making a big deal about how your family doesn't spend quality time together because your mom has to commute all the way to NYC for work every day, and you expect her to be enthused about this crap?
Chapter Five: Meeting time! The girls are discussing all their dorky ideas for the carnival. Apparently Aunt Cecelia knows some guy who is a clown on the weekends or something and she convinced him to help out. I find that hard to believe. Aunt Cecelia is usually described as an angry dinosaur who eats humor and joy and children's souls for breakfast, and she hangs with clowns? Mallory is all "zomg everyone loves a clown!" Um, actually, no. I know a lot of people who would like to declare open hunting season on clowns and kill them all. Personally, I just want clowns to give me a balloon animal and then leave me alone.
Kristy reveals that Daddy Warbucks has offered to rent a gajillion carnival rides. Just how big of a carnival are we talking about here? And if he's so rich and cares so much about the arts program, wouldn't it make more sense to just donate to the schools? They can't possibly be bringing in more money from this than he's spending on it. Oh, and then Kristy gets a Great Idea. "Don't you see? The BSC could have a booth too!" Great scott, this is what passes for a Great Idea these days? The BSC have their own booth/activity/whatever at EVERYTHING EVER. It should be a given by now. I swear, these girls probably call it a Great Idea if Kristy is like "I'm hungry. Hey, I know! I'll eat food!"
Kristy is killing me in this book. The Arnolds call wanting a sitter, and Mary Anne is all "You take it Abby", but Bitchzilla steps in and says Mary Anne should take it instead. When Abby is like "wtf yo" Kristy plays passive-aggressive and is like "Well, you're probably not feeling well and we don't want to be responsible for putting too much pressure on you." That's a bit out of character for Kristy; usually MA is passive-aggressive and Kristy is... aggressive-aggressive. MA says she'll take the job "if it's all right with Abby" and Kristy says "I'm sure it is" and calls the Arnolds back. HOW THE HELL DO THESE GIRLS NOT KILL HER? Between this book and #68, I'm sorely tempted to write a fanfic that involves the rest of the BSC strapping Kristy down Clockwork Orange-style and forcing her to watch videos of babysitters bursting into club meetings late, or allowing kids to watch TV, or something.
Oh, and Abby convinces her family to join the carnival. She makes a little speech and her mom is all "I see your point, Anna." Mother of the Year, away!
Chapter Six: Kristy is babysitting the Kormans. They have a fountain shaped like a fucking fish. Druscilla the "little witch" girl comes over to play. That is all.
Chapter Seven: Abby and Anna are unpacking a bunch of boxes. In BSCland nobody ever unpacks quickly, because if they did then the hilarity of boxes everywhere couldn't be used as a plot device! Apparently Anna has a teapot in the shape of a piano... I couldn't imagine what the hell that would look like, so I Googled:
As a side note, Abby keeps using words like "maven" and "schtick" and it's really annoying and forced. YES she is Jewish, we GET it. Actually, her whole style of humor, at least in this particular book, really makes it seem like Nola Thacker had been watching a bunch of Woody Allen movies and was all "so THAT'S what Jews sound like! I'll put it in the Abby book!" Head, meet desk. There is also an I Love Lucy reference that is not interesting enough to recount here. Those of you playing a BSC drinking game, take a shot now.
Anyway, they unpack some molds for cake/Jello and Abby gets ideas for the carnival: selling pieces of cakes that are shaped like musical instruments or artist's palettes, and having a "food fingerpaint" booth where kids can decorate their own cupcakes. I have to admit, those are actually pretty neat, especially the cupcake one. The girls then come across a box of their dad's old stuff, and they get all wistful and sad, which is understandable. My grandpa died when I was eight and I still get nostalgic over his stuff. And the twins' dad had some pretty rockin' stuff: a ticket stub from Woodstock, a tie with a peace sign painted on it, and a harmonica, among other things.
For some reason, they get all mad at their mom for leaving the box where they could find it and get upset, so they decide to hide it from her. WTF? Man, that just about takes the cake for "let's never tell an adult anything" stupidity. Technically the things in that box would be their mom's now, I assume. And that's just HORRIBLY INSENSITIVE hiding her dead husband's things from her. I'm surprised Anna went along with it, since she seems to be one of the most sensible characters in these books. God help me if I ever have children that stupid.
Chapter Nine: Because they have no lives of their own, all of the BSC members gather at Kristy's house to work on a project for the carnival booth. They're cutting art and music-related pictures out of magazines and gluing them onto cardboard to make buttons. Cute idea, but then they had to go and lame it up with this: "To make it more interesting, some of the buyers would also win prizes.We put an "x" on the back of each pin that was worth a prize. The prizes? Hours of free babysitting, of course!" Yeah, because every single person at the carnival has a child younger than 11 and a schedule that involves hiring a sitter every time they take a dump, AND is willing to have their children babysat by a bunch of preteens. Y'all really thought this through, I can tell.
I was wondering why the hell they gathered at Kristy's house to do this, since it's so!far!away!, but now I see it's because stupid Karen has to make an appearance. Sam and Charlie, who also have no lives, are volunteering to build a carnival booth out of lumber, because being sane and just using a table would make too much sense. We get treated to some crap about Karen pretending to be an interior designer and bringing out samples of the dregs of paint they have. The colors they have are "light blue, very, very green, pink, lavender and yellow". Sounds like an Easter basket to me... and what the hell has their family been painting that uses those colors? I can't imagine all of those would factor into the decor of the ZOMGMANSION, especially since Watson seems like the type whose house would have a lot of beige and brown. They decide to paint rainbows on the booth to make the colors seem less ridiculous together. Personally I think they made more sense without the rainbows, but then I've always been kind of anal about making sure rainbows are the correct colors.
The chapter closes with the normals Shannon and Anna becoming friends and everyone being all GOLLY GOSH DARN HAPPY. Shucks.
Chapter Ten: Pike chapter. The kids have been collecting crafts from the neighbors to sell at the carnival, so Mallory and Vanessa are pricing and sorting that stuff while Claudia and the other kids build a booth. For the love of god, why can't any of these people just use tables?! The Pikes have decided to make a booth that looks like a merry-go-round... somehow. It sounds complicated and head-hurty. When they get done, Claire is all shocked and upset that the horses aren't real. I have a feeling she's going to end up in special classes one day.
Chapter Eleven: The carnival is starting, oh frabjous day! Abby is setting up her family's booth, which is just card tables and chairs. SANITY AT LONG LAST. Kristy is selling tickets for the bumper cars, and Abby is like "Bumper cars - perfect for Kristy." I think that's supposed to be a burn, but it's a pretty weak one. Come on Abby, you can do better than that.
Blah blah, the cake/cupcake booth is a huge hit of course. Mal and Jessi wander over and Mal is all "Hey, it's the Cupcake Lady from Long Island!" Oh Mal, you are such a perpetual dork it hurts. They take over the booth for a little while so Abby can go wander around. Not much of note happens, except she informs us that "the carnival was the happening event in Stoneybrook that night." Um, duh? This is a town where the entire population shows up for Mathlete competitions. They are so desperate for amusement that I'm surprised all of the adults aren't alcoholics. I live in a small town with a Stoneybrook-like level of entertainment (read: none), and when the annual fair comes around everyone practically wets themselves in excitement.The rest of the year people amuse themselves by sitting around gas station parking lots, and putting pennies on railroad tracks, that sort of thing.
Chapter Twelve: Day two of the carnival. Are we having fun yet?! Abby informs us that "With Kristy Thomas in charge, you are never on time. You are early." She doesn't add "Otherwise you will be forced to swim across a lake of molten lava to rescue your mother from being fed to lions", but it's totally implied.
This time Anna is working the cupcake booth, and Abby is working the BSC booth. There's a hilarious part here that just has to be quoted in its entirety:
"Stacey came back to take my place and I went to check on Anna. I am ashamed to admit what I saw, but I saw it with my own eyes. Fortunately, no one was around since it was still so early."
At this point I'm seriously expecting her to have discovered oral sex being exchanged, but that's impossible because Stacey was just accounted for. Turns out the titilating sight she just discovered was Anna and Shannon squirting whipped cream on each other. Oh my. Sadly, there is no implied lesbian action here, but we'll just pretend there is because it is the high point of this book.
The twins wander off and leave Shannon to take a cold shower look after the booth, after "serving a few breakfast cupcakes to kids with indulgent parents." Judgemental, much? It's a CARNIVAL, it's not like there's Cheerios and fresh fruit to be had. Abby, on her way to get a soda (soda for breakfast is okay but cupcakes aren't?) hears a guy say the 12:45 train from New York derailed, and she's like "The 11:45 from where? My mother was on that train!" Now, I don't have a nitpick with Abby mishearing this and freaking out because one tends to do that when their mom might be in danger. But Thacker lets us, as the readers, know that it was the wrong train AND STILL EXPECTS US TO BE IN SUSPENSE. Writing fail. Then again, if she was a good writer she wouldn't be ghostwriting BSC books, so I'll just lower my expectations and move along. The rest of the chapter is just sad and not really snarkable, with Abby understandably freaking out and dashing across the carnival to find her sister. She damn near has another asthma attack and Kristy is all ONOZ!, but actually seems sympathetic for once.
Chapter Thirteen: Kristy's mom shows up and offers to take Abby and Anna to the train station and to call the police station and stuff, but they can't find out anything, so they go back to the carnival. Abby then dates this book horribly by informing us that her mom has "a cellular phone" and should have called. Because you can totally always use those everywhere without fail.
Surprise of surprises, Mrs. Stevenson shows up perfectly fine and is all "Dude it wasn't my train". She'd been held up because she was on another train that got stuck behind the derailed one. Hold up! Mrs. S, as was revealed above, was actually on the 11:45 train. She should have been well out of there before the derailed train even left the station. Ah well, everyone loves a plothole, right?
Anyway, she decides she's at the carnival now and may as well work despite having just spent six hours trapped in a dark tunnel, so the twins and their mom work together and Abby declares them The Cupcake Family. Damn, that makes me I wish I still had my old cupcake dolls.
Chapter Fourteen: Dammit, these emotional books are hard to snark. The girls have a nice happy evening with their mom, and decide to quit being selfish bitches and show her the box of their dad's stuff. Most of the chapter is sad... oh, we get an actual current (at the time) reference! Mrs. S is all "Your father was at Woodstock. The first Woodstock. I wonder what he would have thought of the second one." Were it not for this book, I would have forgotten there was a second Woodstock. And let us not even speak of the third Woodstock.
The rest of the chapter is sweet. Mrs. S gives Abby her dad's wristwatch and Anna his harmonica, and they hug and stuff. All very nice, but it's not helping my snark, so we'll move along now.
Chapter Fifteen: Your standard "fun" BSC meeting, with people telling stupid jokes and snorting and whatnot. The carnival was a huge success OF COURSE, and then Dawn calls, I guess because Thacker had to fill fifteen chapters and was out of material. They make her talk to Abby despite the two never having met, which is awkward. Oh, and Kristy, in her infinite wisdom and mercy, allows Abby to take a sitting job again because she (Kristy) has a ZOMG DATE. Abby is all "Yay I'm off probation!" Oh Abby, you're so new and yet already so brainwashed.
Abby and Anna make dinner and chatter and Anna reveals she's met "a guy" she kind of likes. Come on Anna, everyone is going to know Shannon isn't a guy. Be out loud and proud!
BONUS!! My Stupid Notebook Pages!
I was considering scanning, but I think I'll spare you all my hideous childhood handwriting, so I'll just fill it in here. To get the full effect, imagine that all the i's are dotted with circles.
This Babysitters Club book belongs to [my name].
I am 11 years old and in the 5th grade.
The name of my school is CIS.
I got this book from Wal-Mart.
I got this book on 9-14-96 and finished it on 9-15-96. [What a devoted little nerd I was]
The place where I read most of this book is home.
My favorite part was when there was a carnival.
If I could change anything in the story, it might be the part when Kristy was mean to Abby. [Indeed.]
My favorite character in the Babysitters Club is Abby. [Oh, how quickly I changed allegiances! Years of Claudia love and I dumped her for Abby after a single book. Poor Claudia.]
The BSC member I am most like is Claudia because I like junk food and art and I don't like school. [At least I could spell.]
If I could write a Babysitters Club book it would be about a Halloween party. [I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess I hadn't read Stacey and the Haunted Masquerade yet.]
Abby and Anna are Kristy's new neighbors. My neighbors are _________. [Heh, I guess I was too lazy to name all the random elderly farmers I live near.]
The neighbor who has lived near me the longest is The Davises. [I think at this point I just selected any random neighbors, because they've all been here since well before I was born.]
My favorite neighbor is Mrs. Griffis because she is nice.
If I could have anyone I know move in next door to me, I would want it to be Jennifer.
If I could have any celebrity move in next to me, I would want it to be Alanis Morrisette. [Aww, what a good little 90s child I was. Five months later and I would've said the Spice Girls.]
If I could have any BSC member for a neighbor, it would be Abby because she is funny. [Apparently my sense of humor was not highly developed at age eleven.]
The other members of the Babysitters Club are just getting to know Abby. The friend I have that is most like Abby is Alicia because she has asthma. [Heh, apparently I followed AMM's definition of what counts as a personality trait.]
Abby likes to tell jokes. My favorite joke is Pick up your room... [I'm guessing I meant the thing where you say "It's too heavy!" and your parents kill you for being a smartass.]
The funniest person I know is MICHELLE!!! [That was my best friend in intermediate school. Most of her jokes involved boogers. We were a good team.]
Oh, and as a special bonus, at the end you'll get to see my childhood answers to the fill-in thing in the back. That should be nice and hilarious.
I'm actually really digging Abby's outfit here. It kind of looks like how Claudia would dress if she were sane. But let's talk about the Papadakis kids here for a second. Linny looks about right, but Hannie looks more Asian than Greek, and Sari looks like a midget lesbian trucker. I can totally picture Kristy getting that haircut one day, and she would loudly announce the whole "business in the front, party in the back" thing, and Stacey would just keel over dead on the spot. Things to keep away from Stacey: M&Ms, processed cheese, mullets.
Chapter One: Shockingly, this book does not begin with dialogue. Instead, it begins with new-kid-Abby telling us how people in Stoneybrook are so! weird! because they name their cars. Actually, only Kristy's brother and grandmother do that, but obviously the first people you meet in a new town represent everyone there, right? Also, right on page 2, Abby hilariously describes Kristy as a "bossy beast", but adds "but she's polite." Riiight.
Since this is Abby's first book, we get a lot of exposition about her background and whatnot. For those who never made it to Abby, I'll recap: She loves sports, she makes dumb jokes, she has the music taste of a 50-year-old (I do too, so I can't really make fun), she has asthma and allergies, she has a twin named Anna who plays violin, they're from Long Island, they're Jewish, their dad died in a car accident when they were 9, I like comma splices. That is a grand total of EIGHT character traits, which may be a record for a BSC member.
Oh, there's one little story she tells that I want to mention because it always confused me. After her dad died she felt like she couldn't laugh for a long time, which is really sad and understandable, so that's not the weird part. But apparently she started laughing at school one day, and just got up and walked home, and when her mom got home she just said she was sick. In what universe can you DO that? At any school I went to, even if you were really sneaky there's no way you could just escape without a hall monitor, or the Nazi assistant principal we had, or somebody catching you. And a 9-year-old walking home by herself during school hours, and no one getting suspicious, and their parent not killing them, and my brain, it hurts.
Also, Abby helps Kristy's siblings make pasta jewelry in this chapter, for no reason. Just barely moved to Stoneybrook, and already the Cult hivemind has taken her over. She never had a chance.
Chapter Two: Not much of note here, except that the BSC had originally invited both Abby and Anna to join and were all OMGWTFBBQ?!?1 when Anna said no, because "nobody had ever turned them down before." I'm sure Kristy cried herself to sleep that night, after an evening of Lifetime movies and Haagen Dazs.
We also get introduced to the plot device du jour: Stoneybrook schools are going to be cutting back funding for their art and music programs. Most of the girls, particularly Claudia and Jessi, are upset by this, but Abby rudely assumes the arts are not important because she is personally not interested in them. Jessi tries to say art and music are as important as soccer, and Abby is all "gee I don't know about THAT." Reading this always makes me want to fling the book against the wall, because I come from a family of artists and musicians, myself included, and I encounter people with that attitude all the time in real life. Yeah, art and music are totally unimportant! It's not like they've been around since the beginning of civilization, or anything! Sigh.
Anyway, Abby finally decides to give a shit when she remembers Anna likes music and stuff, and maybe it'd be nice if her sister wasn't totally devastated, and all that. Luckily, there's going to be - wait for it - a CARNIVAL! Which of course the BSC eagerly sign up for, because it will OMG save the arts! Because a single carnival will totally pay for the thousands of dollars an art and music program needs to keep running for an entire year. Double sigh.
Chapter Three: Abby goes to babysit for the Papadakises, as seen on the cover, and actually even mentions she'd dressed up for school that day. Holy consistency, Batman! Her allergies start acting up because of all the animals and their stupid rhyming names (I happen to be allergic to rhyming names too), so they go outside to play basketball. Because sports are just the thing to do when you're having trouble breathing. Predictably, she starts having an asthma attack, and Hannie freaks the hell out and runs out in front of a car, so Abby freaks out and tries to stop her, and it's one big freakout party, maaaan. Kristy conveniently shows up just in time to call 911 and make all kinds of bitchy judgemental faces at Abby as the paramedics are taking her away. Because having an illness makes you an irresponsible twit, in the eyes of Overlord Thomas.
Chapter Four: Abby is in the ER, and keeps trying to convince us she's an emergency room veteran and knows the routine and how it's all boring. She's right - unless you're in for a gunshot wound or a burst appendix or something dramatic like that, emergency rooms are painfully boring. But of course the ghosties decided to make us read about them anyway. I, on the other hand, will spare you. She goes home that night and everyone in the Cult calls her individually. Which is... sweet, but didn't they consider that she might want to rest or something? I'd probably get pissy by like the third call if it was me, because all of my ER visits have been followed by very long naps. But then, I'm a phone grouch anyway.
The next day at the bus stop Kristy goes right back into bitch mode and starts grilling Abby on how often "these things" happen. At first Abby is cool about it, but K.Ron gets more and more rude until Abby is all BITCH PLZ and Kristy backs down. Brass balls, Abby. Unfortunately, in her own head she decides to pander to Kristy, resolving to "work twice as hard and prove I really was a world-class babysitter." Because dashing into the street to rescue a child, putting your own life in danger in multiple ways in the process, is not working hard enough for the Cult!
Many have lamented how annoying the sports stuff in these books is, given that BSC fans are generally bookish nerds (or were as kids, at any rate). We get a good example of that here, with an entire page and a half about lucky cleats and how you repair them with black goo and duct tape. Or something. Anna is all like "Que?" and so am I. Then Abby tries to get her family all excited about the carnival, but they're not feeling it, and she's all OMG, because Abby has already partaken of the BSC Kool-Aid and cannot fathom busy people not wanting to spend their free time setting up crappy carnival booths. Seriously, Abby, you keep making a big deal about how your family doesn't spend quality time together because your mom has to commute all the way to NYC for work every day, and you expect her to be enthused about this crap?
Chapter Five: Meeting time! The girls are discussing all their dorky ideas for the carnival. Apparently Aunt Cecelia knows some guy who is a clown on the weekends or something and she convinced him to help out. I find that hard to believe. Aunt Cecelia is usually described as an angry dinosaur who eats humor and joy and children's souls for breakfast, and she hangs with clowns? Mallory is all "zomg everyone loves a clown!" Um, actually, no. I know a lot of people who would like to declare open hunting season on clowns and kill them all. Personally, I just want clowns to give me a balloon animal and then leave me alone.
Kristy reveals that Daddy Warbucks has offered to rent a gajillion carnival rides. Just how big of a carnival are we talking about here? And if he's so rich and cares so much about the arts program, wouldn't it make more sense to just donate to the schools? They can't possibly be bringing in more money from this than he's spending on it. Oh, and then Kristy gets a Great Idea. "Don't you see? The BSC could have a booth too!" Great scott, this is what passes for a Great Idea these days? The BSC have their own booth/activity/whatever at EVERYTHING EVER. It should be a given by now. I swear, these girls probably call it a Great Idea if Kristy is like "I'm hungry. Hey, I know! I'll eat food!"
Kristy is killing me in this book. The Arnolds call wanting a sitter, and Mary Anne is all "You take it Abby", but Bitchzilla steps in and says Mary Anne should take it instead. When Abby is like "wtf yo" Kristy plays passive-aggressive and is like "Well, you're probably not feeling well and we don't want to be responsible for putting too much pressure on you." That's a bit out of character for Kristy; usually MA is passive-aggressive and Kristy is... aggressive-aggressive. MA says she'll take the job "if it's all right with Abby" and Kristy says "I'm sure it is" and calls the Arnolds back. HOW THE HELL DO THESE GIRLS NOT KILL HER? Between this book and #68, I'm sorely tempted to write a fanfic that involves the rest of the BSC strapping Kristy down Clockwork Orange-style and forcing her to watch videos of babysitters bursting into club meetings late, or allowing kids to watch TV, or something.
Oh, and Abby convinces her family to join the carnival. She makes a little speech and her mom is all "I see your point, Anna." Mother of the Year, away!
Chapter Six: Kristy is babysitting the Kormans. They have a fountain shaped like a fucking fish. Druscilla the "little witch" girl comes over to play. That is all.
Chapter Seven: Abby and Anna are unpacking a bunch of boxes. In BSCland nobody ever unpacks quickly, because if they did then the hilarity of boxes everywhere couldn't be used as a plot device! Apparently Anna has a teapot in the shape of a piano... I couldn't imagine what the hell that would look like, so I Googled:
As a side note, Abby keeps using words like "maven" and "schtick" and it's really annoying and forced. YES she is Jewish, we GET it. Actually, her whole style of humor, at least in this particular book, really makes it seem like Nola Thacker had been watching a bunch of Woody Allen movies and was all "so THAT'S what Jews sound like! I'll put it in the Abby book!" Head, meet desk. There is also an I Love Lucy reference that is not interesting enough to recount here. Those of you playing a BSC drinking game, take a shot now.
Anyway, they unpack some molds for cake/Jello and Abby gets ideas for the carnival: selling pieces of cakes that are shaped like musical instruments or artist's palettes, and having a "food fingerpaint" booth where kids can decorate their own cupcakes. I have to admit, those are actually pretty neat, especially the cupcake one. The girls then come across a box of their dad's old stuff, and they get all wistful and sad, which is understandable. My grandpa died when I was eight and I still get nostalgic over his stuff. And the twins' dad had some pretty rockin' stuff: a ticket stub from Woodstock, a tie with a peace sign painted on it, and a harmonica, among other things.
For some reason, they get all mad at their mom for leaving the box where they could find it and get upset, so they decide to hide it from her. WTF? Man, that just about takes the cake for "let's never tell an adult anything" stupidity. Technically the things in that box would be their mom's now, I assume. And that's just HORRIBLY INSENSITIVE hiding her dead husband's things from her. I'm surprised Anna went along with it, since she seems to be one of the most sensible characters in these books. God help me if I ever have children that stupid.
Chapter Nine: Because they have no lives of their own, all of the BSC members gather at Kristy's house to work on a project for the carnival booth. They're cutting art and music-related pictures out of magazines and gluing them onto cardboard to make buttons. Cute idea, but then they had to go and lame it up with this: "To make it more interesting, some of the buyers would also win prizes.We put an "x" on the back of each pin that was worth a prize. The prizes? Hours of free babysitting, of course!" Yeah, because every single person at the carnival has a child younger than 11 and a schedule that involves hiring a sitter every time they take a dump, AND is willing to have their children babysat by a bunch of preteens. Y'all really thought this through, I can tell.
I was wondering why the hell they gathered at Kristy's house to do this, since it's so!far!away!, but now I see it's because stupid Karen has to make an appearance. Sam and Charlie, who also have no lives, are volunteering to build a carnival booth out of lumber, because being sane and just using a table would make too much sense. We get treated to some crap about Karen pretending to be an interior designer and bringing out samples of the dregs of paint they have. The colors they have are "light blue, very, very green, pink, lavender and yellow". Sounds like an Easter basket to me... and what the hell has their family been painting that uses those colors? I can't imagine all of those would factor into the decor of the ZOMGMANSION, especially since Watson seems like the type whose house would have a lot of beige and brown. They decide to paint rainbows on the booth to make the colors seem less ridiculous together. Personally I think they made more sense without the rainbows, but then I've always been kind of anal about making sure rainbows are the correct colors.
The chapter closes with the normals Shannon and Anna becoming friends and everyone being all GOLLY GOSH DARN HAPPY. Shucks.
Chapter Ten: Pike chapter. The kids have been collecting crafts from the neighbors to sell at the carnival, so Mallory and Vanessa are pricing and sorting that stuff while Claudia and the other kids build a booth. For the love of god, why can't any of these people just use tables?! The Pikes have decided to make a booth that looks like a merry-go-round... somehow. It sounds complicated and head-hurty. When they get done, Claire is all shocked and upset that the horses aren't real. I have a feeling she's going to end up in special classes one day.
Chapter Eleven: The carnival is starting, oh frabjous day! Abby is setting up her family's booth, which is just card tables and chairs. SANITY AT LONG LAST. Kristy is selling tickets for the bumper cars, and Abby is like "Bumper cars - perfect for Kristy." I think that's supposed to be a burn, but it's a pretty weak one. Come on Abby, you can do better than that.
Blah blah, the cake/cupcake booth is a huge hit of course. Mal and Jessi wander over and Mal is all "Hey, it's the Cupcake Lady from Long Island!" Oh Mal, you are such a perpetual dork it hurts. They take over the booth for a little while so Abby can go wander around. Not much of note happens, except she informs us that "the carnival was the happening event in Stoneybrook that night." Um, duh? This is a town where the entire population shows up for Mathlete competitions. They are so desperate for amusement that I'm surprised all of the adults aren't alcoholics. I live in a small town with a Stoneybrook-like level of entertainment (read: none), and when the annual fair comes around everyone practically wets themselves in excitement.The rest of the year people amuse themselves by sitting around gas station parking lots, and putting pennies on railroad tracks, that sort of thing.
Chapter Twelve: Day two of the carnival. Are we having fun yet?! Abby informs us that "With Kristy Thomas in charge, you are never on time. You are early." She doesn't add "Otherwise you will be forced to swim across a lake of molten lava to rescue your mother from being fed to lions", but it's totally implied.
This time Anna is working the cupcake booth, and Abby is working the BSC booth. There's a hilarious part here that just has to be quoted in its entirety:
"Stacey came back to take my place and I went to check on Anna. I am ashamed to admit what I saw, but I saw it with my own eyes. Fortunately, no one was around since it was still so early."
At this point I'm seriously expecting her to have discovered oral sex being exchanged, but that's impossible because Stacey was just accounted for. Turns out the titilating sight she just discovered was Anna and Shannon squirting whipped cream on each other. Oh my. Sadly, there is no implied lesbian action here, but we'll just pretend there is because it is the high point of this book.
The twins wander off and leave Shannon to take a cold shower look after the booth, after "serving a few breakfast cupcakes to kids with indulgent parents." Judgemental, much? It's a CARNIVAL, it's not like there's Cheerios and fresh fruit to be had. Abby, on her way to get a soda (soda for breakfast is okay but cupcakes aren't?) hears a guy say the 12:45 train from New York derailed, and she's like "The 11:45 from where? My mother was on that train!" Now, I don't have a nitpick with Abby mishearing this and freaking out because one tends to do that when their mom might be in danger. But Thacker lets us, as the readers, know that it was the wrong train AND STILL EXPECTS US TO BE IN SUSPENSE. Writing fail. Then again, if she was a good writer she wouldn't be ghostwriting BSC books, so I'll just lower my expectations and move along. The rest of the chapter is just sad and not really snarkable, with Abby understandably freaking out and dashing across the carnival to find her sister. She damn near has another asthma attack and Kristy is all ONOZ!, but actually seems sympathetic for once.
Chapter Thirteen: Kristy's mom shows up and offers to take Abby and Anna to the train station and to call the police station and stuff, but they can't find out anything, so they go back to the carnival. Abby then dates this book horribly by informing us that her mom has "a cellular phone" and should have called. Because you can totally always use those everywhere without fail.
Surprise of surprises, Mrs. Stevenson shows up perfectly fine and is all "Dude it wasn't my train". She'd been held up because she was on another train that got stuck behind the derailed one. Hold up! Mrs. S, as was revealed above, was actually on the 11:45 train. She should have been well out of there before the derailed train even left the station. Ah well, everyone loves a plothole, right?
Anyway, she decides she's at the carnival now and may as well work despite having just spent six hours trapped in a dark tunnel, so the twins and their mom work together and Abby declares them The Cupcake Family. Damn, that makes me I wish I still had my old cupcake dolls.
Chapter Fourteen: Dammit, these emotional books are hard to snark. The girls have a nice happy evening with their mom, and decide to quit being selfish bitches and show her the box of their dad's stuff. Most of the chapter is sad... oh, we get an actual current (at the time) reference! Mrs. S is all "Your father was at Woodstock. The first Woodstock. I wonder what he would have thought of the second one." Were it not for this book, I would have forgotten there was a second Woodstock. And let us not even speak of the third Woodstock.
The rest of the chapter is sweet. Mrs. S gives Abby her dad's wristwatch and Anna his harmonica, and they hug and stuff. All very nice, but it's not helping my snark, so we'll move along now.
Chapter Fifteen: Your standard "fun" BSC meeting, with people telling stupid jokes and snorting and whatnot. The carnival was a huge success OF COURSE, and then Dawn calls, I guess because Thacker had to fill fifteen chapters and was out of material. They make her talk to Abby despite the two never having met, which is awkward. Oh, and Kristy, in her infinite wisdom and mercy, allows Abby to take a sitting job again because she (Kristy) has a ZOMG DATE. Abby is all "Yay I'm off probation!" Oh Abby, you're so new and yet already so brainwashed.
Abby and Anna make dinner and chatter and Anna reveals she's met "a guy" she kind of likes. Come on Anna, everyone is going to know Shannon isn't a guy. Be out loud and proud!
BONUS!! My Stupid Notebook Pages!
I was considering scanning, but I think I'll spare you all my hideous childhood handwriting, so I'll just fill it in here. To get the full effect, imagine that all the i's are dotted with circles.
This Babysitters Club book belongs to [my name].
I am 11 years old and in the 5th grade.
The name of my school is CIS.
I got this book from Wal-Mart.
I got this book on 9-14-96 and finished it on 9-15-96. [What a devoted little nerd I was]
The place where I read most of this book is home.
My favorite part was when there was a carnival.
If I could change anything in the story, it might be the part when Kristy was mean to Abby. [Indeed.]
My favorite character in the Babysitters Club is Abby. [Oh, how quickly I changed allegiances! Years of Claudia love and I dumped her for Abby after a single book. Poor Claudia.]
The BSC member I am most like is Claudia because I like junk food and art and I don't like school. [At least I could spell.]
If I could write a Babysitters Club book it would be about a Halloween party. [I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess I hadn't read Stacey and the Haunted Masquerade yet.]
Abby and Anna are Kristy's new neighbors. My neighbors are _________. [Heh, I guess I was too lazy to name all the random elderly farmers I live near.]
The neighbor who has lived near me the longest is The Davises. [I think at this point I just selected any random neighbors, because they've all been here since well before I was born.]
My favorite neighbor is Mrs. Griffis because she is nice.
If I could have anyone I know move in next door to me, I would want it to be Jennifer.
If I could have any celebrity move in next to me, I would want it to be Alanis Morrisette. [Aww, what a good little 90s child I was. Five months later and I would've said the Spice Girls.]
If I could have any BSC member for a neighbor, it would be Abby because she is funny. [Apparently my sense of humor was not highly developed at age eleven.]
The other members of the Babysitters Club are just getting to know Abby. The friend I have that is most like Abby is Alicia because she has asthma. [Heh, apparently I followed AMM's definition of what counts as a personality trait.]
Abby likes to tell jokes. My favorite joke is Pick up your room... [I'm guessing I meant the thing where you say "It's too heavy!" and your parents kill you for being a smartass.]
The funniest person I know is MICHELLE!!! [That was my best friend in intermediate school. Most of her jokes involved boogers. We were a good team.]