BSC Mystery #27; Claudia and the Lighthouse Ghost
Oh, no, it’s another mystery book!
Y’know, I’ve never been keen on these ones. The BSC Mysteries are possibly the most UN-mysterious things I have ever read. In fact, this one doesn't have a mystery. Lighthouse ghost? What? It's convoluted and Claudia is like ... I don't know... one of the Lone Gunmen or something. She is suspicious of everyone and everything and GOD Claudia is an idiot.
First, let’s start with the cover.
All I can say is… Cover artists, why do you automatically assume that Claudia’s ‘weird fashion sense’ correlates with ‘dressing like a man’? Or 'looking like a thirty-year-old'? Well, at least they got the number of earrings right. And she actually looks slightly Asian, as opposed to Maori or Italian or whatever.
CHAPTER ONE
This chapter opens with Claudia doing a ‘perfect imitation’ of Ricky Ricardo. What, dear readers, have we done to deserve this? Apparently, Claudia and Abby performed an I Love Lucy skit for the Barrett-DeWitt kids while babysitting them earlier that afternoon. I have never seen an episode of I Love Lucy, but would it really appeal to a bunch of eight-year-olds and under? Oh, wait, I forgot; this is Bizarro Stoneybrook, where everyone loves I Love Lucy, for no reason whatsoever. Mmmkay.
Claudia also does this stupid seal laugh, simply to get attention and irritate her family members. In fact, she disturbs Janine while she’s listening to an astrophysics lecture. SHUT UP, CLAUDIA. JANINE IS TRYING TO DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE WITH HER LIFE.
Some exposition stuff follows; Claudia mentions Janine’s IQ, as per usual, but instead of adding that she also has a super high IQ but doesn’t use her obviously genius brains, she says "[Teachers] go weak in the knees when they see Janine’s IQ. They go weak in the knees when they see mine, too, but for a totally different reason." BA HA HA. Oh, Claudia. Remember when you, in your delusional state, used to claim that your IQ was also above average?
OUTFIT TIME! “I was wearing a high-collared dentist’s shirt and a loose-fitting Chinese silk jacket, cinched at the waist by a bright orange scarf, over tight black flared pants. My hair was gathered on top of my head with an orange bandanna.” Okay, that’s not fabulous, but it’s not like she’s wearing a piece of rope as a belt or something, or a tea bag vest. Claudia adds, “Yes, I know, you think I’m demented. But trust me, it looked great.” Doesn't it always look great? Huh? This leads on to a riveting paragraph about Claudia’s food-filled bedroom, love of Nancy Drew books, and obsession with art.
Claudia heads up to her room and overhears a very spelled-out conversation between her parents, which goes something like this:
Rioko (God, Ann M. Martin & inane ghostwriter, that is NOT how you romanise "ryoko", okay?): PEOPLE STILL REMEMBER WHAT ~*happened*~ AT THE LIGHTHOUSE SO THE HATTS CAN’T STAY WITH US
John: Don’t be a tard! You know Alex did absolutely nothing wrong on that ~*fateful day*~ and now his life is totes fucked up so we have to be nice to him etc.
Claudia then gives us a bit of background on the Stoneybrook lighthouse, which is apparently ‘Stoneybrook’s Most Ignored Building’. Boats used it in ANCIENT TIMES, you guys! Seriously! And apparently this Alex Hatt guy used to own it, but now the kids say it’s haunted! Oh noes!
So, Rioko pretty much gives in, and we learn that the Hatt family will be living with the Kishis for awhile; there are two daughters, Caryn and Laura, and a son, Stevie. He used to call himself ‘Thtevie’. Claudia used to call herself 'Caludia'; I fail to see how his baby name is more ridiculous than that.
While Claudia is trying to eavesdrop on her parents conversation, Janine barges in, looking for a headband. Claudia, of course, begins arguing with Janine about the Hatts. She also calls astrophysics ‘astroturfics’, which segues nicely into an introduction to the stupid B-Plot, which involves the Veehoff Comet heading TO STONEYBROOK. Janine adds “We still haven’t figured out if it’ll hit”, which kinda suggests to me that if this comet collides with the earth (which it obviously won’t, because this is a Baby-Sitters Club book), all the damage and commotion and doom will be located ENTIRELY in the locality of Stoneybrook. Oh, and apparently, all the astronomers & scientists in Stoneybrook are so inept they're getting a bunch of kids at the Community College to work out if the comet is going to hit.
BTW, I totally love how casually Janine says that "We still haven't figured out if it'll hit" line.
The chapter ends with Claudia bitching to herself about how Janine has a boyfriend, even though she’s a nerd, while Claudia is dateless and lonely and emo and doesn’t have a twelve-year-old boyfriend to make out with, and then she decides to clean her room. END CHAPTER. Thank God.
CHAPTER TWO (the dreaded, DREADED chapter two)
So, we’re back to talking about the afterthought plot, a.k.a. the ‘Veehoff Comet’. Stacey says that if it comes too close to earth, everyone will turn into warewolves, while Mallory heard it was vampires. Abby makes one of her patented unamusing jokes. All is right with the BSC verse. For some reason, her joke about vampires reminds Claudia of cherry creams (ew) and she pulls a box of them out from underneath her bed.
It turns out all the kids in Stoneybrook are super excited about the comet, and because the BSC can’t do ANYTHING without having some sort of creepy involvement with the Stoneybrook kiddies, K.Ron suggests they have a comet viewing party, and since Abby is Kristy’s lapdog, she agrees with this wholeheartedly.
Mary Anne wonders if they’ll need a telescope. I wonder if a resounding ‘DUH’ is required here.
Claudia says that the comet party is a fabulous idea, because Kristy is an ideas machine. Um, a comet viewing party isn’t *exactly* a groundbreaking idea, you know. People have them rather often if there’s a meteor shower or whatever. Hell, even *I* have been to a meteor shower viewing party. But, I suppose the BSC is so brainwashed by the Kult of K.Ron that they think everything she says is GENIUS.
And now… for the boring skip worthy introductory stuff. I actually skimmed this to see if there was anything LOL-worthy in it.
* Apparently, Kristy’s mind is very, er, ‘kid-centric’. Read into that what you will.
* Kristy’s introduction is interrupted by Abby answering the phone with “Baby-Sitters Club, Veehoff what you need!” Of course, everyone thinks this is hilarious, because Abby’s one-dimensional character trait is the comedian.
* Mary Anne’s father was hella strict when Mary Anne was twelve (a year ago) because “he didn’t have a wife to tell him to chill”
* Jessi is black
… and that’s it. Yawn.
Kristy won’t shut up about the damn comet party, until Claudia suggests the HAUNTED LIGHTHOUSE, OOOOH. This then leads to Claudia reminding the girls about the Hatt family, and Abby makes another really, really lame joke about their names. (‘I know them- Porkpie, Slouch, Stovepipe and Top.’ HA FUCKING HA. GOD, ABBY, I CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO THINK YOU WERE COOL.) Mary Anne briefly reminisces about a night when her and her dad were driving past it one night when she was younger (and singing ‘Fox Went Out on a Chilly Night’, I kid you not, she actually includes that.) Apparently something really really REALLY bad happened at the lighthouse and Claudia starts to freak out, thinking the Hatts are mass murderers or something. And thus begins the paranoia.
CHAPTER THREE
“Pass the brown stuff.”
My mom handed me a steaming platter. “Beef teriyaki,” she reminded me, with a raised eyebrow.
This may sound a tad narrowminded- but how can you grow up in a Japanese family and NOT know what teriyaki is? I mean, I know Claudia doesn’t intend to acknowledge her heritage that much (apart from appropriating it from time to time) but… really?????
There’s some boring stuff about Janine’s date with Jerry, blah blah blah, boys are complicated, Janine doesn’t want any garlic due to possibility of bad breath, etc. Then, Claudia’s dad tells the family that the Hatts are coming to stay, and they’ll be arriving on Sunday.
“Sunday?” I repeated. “That’s in two days!”
“Your math is improving,” Janine murmured.
Janine, I really love you.
But anyway, because five people are coming to stay, Claudia and Janine will have to share a room! Because they’re the original Odd Couple! And amusing hijinks will no doubt ensue! Needless to say, both of them are utterly horrified. Janine is rather pissed, saying she won’t be able to concentrate on her homework during BSC meetings since the room will be full of “nattering girls” (Janine, really. You’re awesome.) Claudia quickly formulates an elaborate plan to move to New York, where Stacey’s dad will find her a cheap apartment, and she can sell her paintings in Central Park. That’s a ridiculous, far-out premise, and I almost wish she’d vocalise it so Janine could shoot it down with some quick, clever comeback.
After dinner, Janine sits around and waits for Jerry, and he doesn’t show up, so she chucks a minor hissy fit and goes into her bedroom. Because she’s a genius, she blasts classical music to rid herself of angst and starts typing away on her computer, either writing an angry blog or flaming him on a message board.
CHAPTER FOUR ~in which Janine the Fabulous moves into Claudia’s hellhole~
Janine is moving her stuff into Claudia’s room. Claudia is hella put out because she’s had to spend her entire morning re-hiding all her old, mouldy junk food that’s been sitting under her bed since 1986. After Janine’s computer has been moved into place, Claudia thinks her bedroom looks like a ‘storage closet’. I already thought it was a rat-infested hellhole pigsty, but okay.
The Hatts show up in a minivan (Mrs. Hatt’s name is Flora! Heeeee!) and a whole bunch of embarrassing kiddie memories are bought to the surface (apparently, Claudia used to call herself ‘Dodee-a’… But what about CALUDIA? Well, she still can’t spell her name, but at least she can pronounce it now! Look how far she’s come in the last ten or so years!)
Claudia also falls in love with Stevie Hatt, who has "gray-blue eyes, like a winter morning sky", and doesn’t talk to anyone. He just grunts occasionally. Ah, the folly of youth.
Claudia and Janine take Laura and Caryn up to Janine’s room. We learn that Janine has a posters of Virgina Woolf and Madam Curie in her bedroom. (Awesome, but… a Marie Curie poster? Really?) Caryn asks what year Janine and Claudia are in, and when Claudia says she’s in seventh, Fabulously Bitchy Laura says, “Funny, you look older than twelve.” The girls go on to say something about Steve’s ~*seedy past*~, but they’re interrupted when Claudia’s dad tells them it’s time for lunch. As they head downstairs, Janine tells Claudia she thinks Steve is cute (Oh, GOD, Janine, please don’t go for the slightly good-looking stupid ones… you’re too good for them!) and Claudia gets pissy because she thinks Steve may be the boy of her dreams. Like that random Japanese guy at Camp Mohawk, and the thirty-year-old ski instructor, and the stalker from that cruise in Florida, and Austin Bentley, and that wierd goth guy... Trevor Sandbourne... etc.
Lunch involves potato salad, cold cuts, and Claudia imagining some sexual tension between her and Stevie. Janine asks Mr. Hatt about the lighthouse, and they talk rather abstractly about the shit that went down there a few years back. Steve says he wants to have a party there, AFTER DARK (he sounds like such a try hard fourteen/fifteen-year-old to me) and when Mr. Hatt says that nobody is allowed in the lighthouse until it has been searched thouroughly, Steve says, “what do you think you’ll find in there? Dead bodies?”
Claudia says “I am no fool.” (really?) and comes to the conclusion that something weird is going on with the Hatts and the lighthouse. As Kristy would say, Big Woo.
CHAPTER FIVE
Laura and Claudia are walking through the Hallowed Halls of Stoneybrook Middle School, and Laura is making fun of Claudia. Why? Well, Claudia doesn’t know any of the popular seventh-graders. I thought Claudia was supposed to be one of the most popular kids in year seven? (Surprising, especially since she’s older and stupider than all of them). They head to the girls’ bathroom and Laura proceeds to drop her lipstick on the ground (what kind of twelve-year-old wears lipstick to school? Wait, don’t answer that question)
They head out to the carpark where Mr. Hatt is picking them up in the minivan. He tells them that they’re going to visit…. THE LIGHTHOUSE~! OMG!!! Claudia gulps and gets hella nervous, but first they drive to a paint store and she proceeds to make him pick out paint samples according to what she wants (apparently, the lighthouse is crying out for a “red and white motif”.)
The happy gang proceeds to drive to the lighthouse, and there’s a whole bunch of predictably crappy writing to set the scene. “The sun was hanging low over the Sound, swollen and dusky orange in the mist. Birds flew across it, their silhouettes black as bats… The lighthouse came into view, [and] in the dim rays of the setting sun, the jagged graffiti looked like snakes crawling up the walls.” Uh, why is the sun setting? It’s only about 4-o’clock in the afternoon, at the absolute latest. Claudia freaks out again, because she thinks she sees something moving through the window, and the radio is tuned to an all-news station which is going on about bad economic news. (Welcome to the 2000s, bb.)
They all head into the lighthouse, and Mr. Hatt gives Caryn and Claudia a torch each and lets them go exploring (yeah, because sending a pre-teen and an idiot teenager into a condemned building to explore is an excellent example of parenting… but, again, this IS Stoneybrook). They head upstairs, and wander around for a bit, and then Claudia starts to hear an ~*eerie voice*~. Needless to say, she freaks out, but it turns out to be the voice of one Mr. Langley, who kinda wants to pwn Mr. Hatt. They have another ambiguous argument about what happened at the lighthouse, which Claudia conveniently overhears. Mr. Langley spits at Mr. Hatt (bahahah), and on that happy note, the chapter ends.
CHAPTER SIX
Oh, God, an Abby babysitting chapter. In this chapter she’s babysitting for the Hobarts, but for a change, the chapter is not rife with stupid Australian stereotypes (and, as an Australian, let me say I don’t find them amusing) … well, except for one in Abby’s Notebook entry.
ABBY, PEOPLE DO NOT SAY ’SHRIMP ON THE BAHHHHBIE’. I PERSONALLY HAVE NEVER SAID ‘SHRIMP ON THE BAHHHHBIE’ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, EXCEPT WHILE BEING IRONIC. NOT EVEN MY EIGHTY-YEAR OLD COUNTRY-BRED GRANDFATHER SAID THAT SORT OF THING. BESIDES, DAMMIT, THEY’RE CALLED PRAWNS. PRAWNS!!!!!! YOU’RE NOT FUNNY. PLEASE STFU.
Ahem.
So, Abby is playing football with the Hobart kids, and for some bizarre reason Ben factors into the babysitting equation in this chapter. Whatevs.
Jessi brings the Braddocks and Buddy over to visit. Matt and Buddy are dressed up as aliens, in honour of the Veehoff Comet. They’ve made up this stupid game about Veehoff aliens and Earthlings with superpowers. The game of football is quickly abandoned and everyone goes inside to talk about the comet. Ben mentions that a comet caused ‘Noah’s flood’, and I nearly throw up. A RELIGIOUS MENTION? IN A BABY-SITTERS CLUB BOOK? GOD HAS NO PLACE WITHIN THESE PAGES! Besides, it wasn’t *Noah’s* flood, it was just a flood. Gahhh. Ben continues to scare the kiddies with tales of zombies and aliens and all sorts of stupid shit, and the girls do absolutely nothing to stop him. God, they’re fantastic baby-sitters, aren’t they?
CHAPTER SEVEN
Claudia bitches about how she hasn’t had time to flirt with Stevie because she’s always cleaning up Janine’s stuff. Um, Claudia, you didn’t ever clean up your OWN stuff, why are you bothering with Janine’s? Her cleaning is interrupted when Jerry rings. Claudia calls Janine to answer the phone (since Janine is downstairs bonding with the Grunting Teenager) and Janine refuses to speak to Jerry. (Sheesh, Janine, he forgot one measley date. Big freaking deal.)
Claudia and Janine talk about Steve for awhile. Apparently he’s really sweet and popular, and has introduced Janine to a bunch of people at school, all of whom used to ignore her. PLUS, he’s having an illicit party in the falling-down lighthouse after dark! And Janine and a few select people are invited! Oh how exciting! How scary! How illegal! How… lame.
Janine, where the hell has your brain gone? The Janine we know and love would have never partied with some douche bag who grunts instead of speaking, and is unable to do his simple eleventh-grade homework without getting her to do it for him.
Claudia tries to get Janine to talk about the ~*mysterious lighthouse*~, but Janine is more interested in her hormones than the stupid musings of a thirteen-year-old, so she heads back downstairs to hang with Steve. Janine also tells Claudia she needs to make some spreadsheets, so Claudia chucks a hissy and decides to hold the BSC meeting in the living room. Exactly two minutes after the meeting starts, the girls get kicked out of the living room by Mr. Hatt and Mr. Kishi. They go to the den, but Caryn and Laura are playing video games. They go to the kitchen, but Mrs. Kishi is preparing fish for dinner, and the smell of fish nauseates all of them, so they head into the bathroom. Yes. They conduct their meeting in the bathroom. I wonder what K. Ron thinks of this highly professional behaviour?
While Claudia is speaking to a client on the phone, Abby pretends to flush the toilet. She thinks this is absolutely hilarious. Nobody else does. I hate Abby. Then, Steve barges into the bathroom and freaks out because there are a bunch of pre-pubescent girls sitting in there, attempting to conduct SERIOUS BUSINESS. They all have a good giggle at this, because they’re kinda immature.
The meeting then takes on a serious tone when Mallory mentions the lighthouse. It turns out that Mallory, her dad, and the rest of the Pike crotchdroppings were heading to the store a couple of nights ago, and it looked like someone was trying to get INTO the lighthouse. Um, why did they have to drive past the lighthouse to get to the store? It sounds like it would be a bit out of the way. But… I mean… in Stoneybrook, the landscape DOES magically change to suit the whims of the ghostwriter. Anyway, Mallory and Claire are the only two who take the whole thing seriously (which, I think, says a lot about Mallory’s mental age).
SUDDENLY, the girls are interrupted by a piercing scream. It turns out that Janine, who had gone out to check the mail, discovered a BURNT HAT on the front porch. Yes, a burnt hat. Oh, and an envelope containing a torn-up picture of the lighthouse and one of those messages in cut-out letters which Ann M. Martin seems to love so much. It reads: “Ashes to ashes, we all fall down, we have not forgotten.” Um, way to mix up your nursery rhymes and funeral rites, kthx. The only person who actually cares about this whole event is Claudia. Everyone else just wants to try and move on with the day, but Claudia is all like ‘OMG FREAKY WTF’.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Ba ha ha. Oh God. This is one of those chapters where the girls all think they’re detectives and try to piece together pieces of the ~*mystery*~, and write a whole bunch of pointless shit in their speshul mystery notebook. Ooh. The chapter opens with a rambly entry from Kristy in the mystery notebook, then cuts back to the meeting that was interrupted by the mysterious arrival of the burnt hat. Mary Anne begins to cry, because she’s a pussy, and wonders if Claudia is going to be murdered or something.
At six o’clock, the meeting ends, and Abby and Kristy head home. While they’re sitting in Charlie’s unsafe vehicle, Kristy asks him about the lighthouse. Charlie says that, one stormy night, a thirteen-year-old girl went to the lighthouse with some friends, and was transported to the spirit world. Wooo. Kristy and Abby (who are taking this all way, way too seriously) tell him that the Hatts are involved, and Charlie launches into this kind of hilarious story about how Steve’s invited all these girls to his Christmas party (wait, since when was it Christmas?) at the lighthouse, and Sam is hella pissed because he wanted to have some girls at his party. You snooze, you lose, bb. Simple as that. Kristy and Abby exchange a ‘Look’ and wonder if one of the hormonal idiots at the High School is involved with all this Hatt Hate.
Claudia’s Mystery Notebook entry is too good not to include:
Thursday
May be your wright Kristy. May be Mr. Langly didn’t do it. Infact, I have anothe idea whom mite have done it. you may not beleave it, tho...
Claudia adds, "If I spelled anything wrong, ignore it." Claudia, there is no way in fresh hell I can ignore your crappy spelling. I mean, it's one of your one-dimensional character traits!
Anyway, this leads to Claudia and Laura heading home after school with some chick named Tonya, who is a cheerleader and total sourpuss, according to Claudia. Laura tells Tonya that Claudia hides junk food in her underwear drawer, and once Laura walked in on Claudia... EATING JUNK FOOD! IN PRIVATE! God, there's just something so utterly sad about this. It's like Claudia gets some sort of pleasure from eating junk food by herself, IDK, but it totally rubs me the wrong way. Then again, this book IS from the warped mind of Peter Lerangis...
Claudia runs home, totally humiliated, and after ruining a canvas with a bunch of black and grey splatters, she decides to go and confront Laura. She walks in to Janine's room, and finds... horror of horrors... a pair of scissors with pieces of glossy magazine photos stuck to the blades! And a bunch of headlines, cut out of magazines! Oh noes! Laura must be the psycho who is trying to break into the lighthouse and scare Claudia and send her family threatening burnt hats! Mystery solved!
T'Yeah right. God, Claudia, you're so stupid.
The chapter continues with a joint journal entry between Stacey and Mary Anne. For some ... bizarre reason, Mr. Hatt hired these two thirteen-year-old girls, who he doesn't know at all, to help clean out the lighthouse. Um, how much help would Stacey and Mary Anne REALLY be? Shouldn't they get some professional cleaners in to move all the bits of old wood and metal and stuff? And what kind of parent would let their child go off with some random man to help clean up a crappy, falling-down lighthouse? Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children?
Somebody's spray-painted 'HATTS OFF!' in "blood-red" paint on the outer wall. Mr. Hatt is completely nonplussed, but Mary Anne is already practically sobbing and hugging herself in a corner somewhere. Once they get inside, Mary Anne and Caryn head up to the roof to clean, while Stacey stays on the middle floor and gathers "little metal doohickeys" into a pile. She takes a break to gaze out the window, and sees a SUSPICIOUS college-age student (oh, those university students! Always causing trouble!) ... looking at the lighthouse! A chill runs down Stacey's spine! What the hell is somebody doing walking alone near the beach on a Saturday morning? There's something bizarre about that! They should be neglecting their children or holding some sort of activity with children or taking an unhealthy interest in neighbourhood children's lives, or something!
The final entry in the mystery notebook is from our favourite loser eleven-year-olds. It's another one of those irritating entries which is written in tandem. It turns out that Jessi and Mallory found an article about some kid named Adrian Langley, who broke into the lighthouse, climbed to the top, jumped into the ocean, and subsequently died. (No shit.) The article itself is particularly poorly written, and would no doubt have earned me a fail mark in my journalism classes last semester.
CHAPTER NINE
Baby-sitting chapter time! This time, Mallory and Jessi are sitting for the Pike offspring, and we finally hear another mention of the comet b-plot. Mr. Pike bus the Pike kids a telescope, and they go apeshit over it. He leaves Jessi and Mal to deal with them.
The Pike kids proceed to check out the new telescope, even though it's the middle of the afternoon and thus fairly useless. Margo tells everyone she can see the neighbours in their underwear. The Pike kids get really excited. Vanessa makes up a stupid poem, which goes something like this.
Comet, comet, in the sky,
Nice to see you flying high!
We learned about you in our class;
Are you made of ice or gas?
You will be my very first comet...
Adam suggests that she should finish it off with "Vanessa's poems just make me vomit!" and I must admit, I did chortle a bit at that. Why is it that the triplets always seem to make up more amusing rhymes on the spur of the moment? This isn't the first time it's happened.
More arguing ensues. It's all very boring. I would totally hate to live in the Pike house.
CHAPTER TEN
Claudia is trying to concentrate on a Nancy Drew novel (do you even NEED to concentrate while reading a Nancy Drew novel?) while Janine plays Christmas music on her computer. Apparently, it's only ten days until Christmas. How many Christmases do the BSC celebrate over the course of the entire series, anyway? Judging by the list of books in the back, we've had about three Christmases within the last twenty or so books.
Claudia hasn't done any Christmas shopping yet. Janine has, though. She didn't buy anything for Jerry, because she spent his portion of her Christmas money on the Grunting Wonder, Steve. Claudia has more nasty thoughts about physically injuring Janine (they're starting to get a tad creepy) THEN, because she's paranoid, she wonders if JERRY is the one who wants to get the Hatts... for stealing his girlfriend! OMG! That's not far-fetched at all!
Abby, Stacey, Kristy, Claudia and Mr Hatt all head to the lighthouse because it's PAINTING DAY! Again, WHY would he hire a bunch of thirteen-year-olds to paint a lighthouse? Wouldn't you need to hire a painting firm or something? I suppose he was probably able to hire them for fifty cents an hour. The girls start by peeling the old paint off the sides, Abby sings a bunch of unamusing songs, all is well.
THEN, ALONG COMES MR. LANGLEY! Claudia freaks out, like he's an axe murderer or an alien or that teacher who accused her of cheating that time, and she makes Kristy go and talk to him. It turns out that Mr. Langley thinks Mr. Hatt locked Adrian inside the lighthouse, and Adrian had claustrophobia so he jumped off the roof in an attempt to get out, killing himself in the process. Then his redneck son Paul shows up, and informs the girls that "The only good Hatt is a dead Hatt." Of course, now Claudia is absolutely certain that Mr. Hatt is a murderer. God, she's gullible.
Oh, the chapter ends with Claudia finding this old note in the basement of the lighthouse, which reads "If you survive the night, you will be one of us." Yeah, it doesn't take an idiot to come to the conclusion that Adrian obviously had a lot of testosterone with nothing to do, so he decided to be a big man by trying to join some stupid High School gang. Oh, look, I just managed to solve this stupid mystery.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Claudia's paranoia is really starting to set in; it's a miracle she hasn't donned a tinfoil hat and started claiming the government is behind it all. She's walking home with Laura, who she still suspects sent that burnt hat. Again: What motive would Laura have? For a veteran of 27 of these stupid books, Claudia, you're really not very good at solving mysteries. All you have to go on is some extremely weak evidence.
Laura starts to bitch about the fact that Steve hasn't invited her to his Christmas party. Claudia tries to calm her down, saying that Steve isn't even allowed to have the party at the lighthouse, but it turns out that Mr. Hatt, in another show of excellent parenting, has agreed to let his fifteen-year-old son hold a huge party in a (still) unfinished, shitty, crumbly lighthouse. Way to go.
It turns out there's another cut-out letter waiting when Claudia gets home. Laura is furious. Claudia decides that the scissors and cut-up paper in Janine's room was just a coincidence. Gee, it took you FOUR chapters to work that out? Claudia the Genius decides to TELL Laura about her suspicions, but then Jerry shows up, and chaos ensues. Janine flees to Claudia's room, saying she's in Siberia. Jerry asks Claudia to give Janine a letter he's written her. I am still unsure as to why Janine is so pissed at him.
Claudia heads up to her room and gives Janine the letter. Then, she settles down at her desk and takes another look at the note she retrieved from the lighthouse. There's a gargoyle drawn on it, so she attempts to replicate the picture in larger form. Janine says it's the gargoyle that's situated over the enterence at Stoneybrook High School. YES, SHS has gargoyles.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Oh, finally.
It's time for that fucking comet party. Or, as Kristy has dubbed it, 'The Great and Fabulous Once-in-a-Lifetime Baby-Sitters Club Comet-Watching Festival'. All the kids show up in ridiculous outfits, because the Stoneybrook Hive Mind thinks that the comet is going to turn them into vampires or destroy the world. I don't know why the girls say the kids look so wierd- they're wearing the same sort of shit that Claudia wears to school every day. I can imagine Claud wearing a tinfoil dress, antennae, a pair of those star-shaped sunglasses, a tupperware container on each foot...
The kids have all congregated in Mary Anne's yard, and, of course, are acting all stupid. There's more boring doom and gloom comet death blah blah blah kinda stuff; I stopped paying attention to this plot after about page twenty, so forgive me if the snark for this chapter is a tad light on. It just goes to show how unbelievably BORING and stale the mystery books are.
The comet finally arrives at 8:07, and all the kids are super disappointed. Claudia cries. Mary Anne must be slitting her wrists somewhere. Mallory is probably wondering why nobody sees her as a shiny, beautiful, glittering comet.
B-Plot is finally over. Thank goodness.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Claudia and the Cult are standing outside SHS, wondering why the hell someone stuck a gargoyle over the front door. Apparently, the students have fondly dubbed the gargoyle 'Fred' and the students used to hold 'Fred' parties, where they would all dress up as gargoyles and (obviously) get extremely high. Unfortunately, a whole bunch of burnouts decided to start a gang and adopt Fred as their symbol, thus destroying the Fred Fun for everyone. Oh woe. Now, the faculty has forbidden students to have Fred parties, and because this is Stoneybrook where EVERYONE listens to the adults, there haven't been any Fred parties since. Whatever.
The girls walk to Charlie's crappy car, since he's taking Abby, Stacey, Kristy and Claudia home. (where the hell are Jessi and Mallory? Obviously they're not cool enough to go and hang around at the High School. Sheeeesh.) Of course, they run into Adrian's brother, Paul Langley, and because Kristy is an insensitive bitch, she proceeds to grill him about his dead brother. Ouch.
Claudia finally shows Paul the note, and then he invites the girls back to his place to go through Adrian's stuff. I kid you not. And because Charlie is such a sad, friendless guy, he offers to drive them there. Get a life, Charlie. Please.
So, the girls all head off to the Langleys' place. Charlie just dumps them there and drives off. I'm surprised that Claudia isn't having convulsions or something at this point, considering how she's been acting throughout this book. Paul takes the girls into Adrian's room (oooh) and shows them a photo of a bunch of high school kids in front of SHS... SMOKING! OH MY GOD, THEY SMOKE, SO THEY MUST BE EVIL. They're all just standing there, looking at this photo (there's nothing awkward about it at all, no way) when Stacey suddenly realises... THE LIGHTHOUSE IS ON FIRE! Yes, the Langleys do live right next door to the lighthouse where one of their family members died. Uh huh. That's healthy. Anyhoo, Claudia calls the fire department, then the Hatts, and then the five of them race outside.
It turns out the lighthouse isn't on fire at all. In fact, it was merely a harmless ~*smoke bomb*~. Meanwhile, someone's scratched some words into the ground near the lighthouse entrance, telling people to "STAY AWAY OR ELSE!" Then the fire department arrive, and, according to the text, immediately turn around and leave again.
The Hatt family shows up and Mr. Hatt, in yet another moment of wonderful judgement, tells Steve that he can still have his stupid party at the lighthouse, in fact, why the hell don't they just invite the entire town to it? Puh-leeeese. Oh, and then Claudia realises that Paul has disappeared. How mysterious.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
BSC meeting time! Hooray! Of course, they're not dealing with baby-sitting issues at the moment. Instead, they're spending all their time chatting about the 'lighthouse trouble'. By the way, I love how the title of this book is 'Claudia and the Lighthouse Ghost', and there isn't really a 'Lighthouse Ghost' in this book at all. It should have been called something like, oh, I don't know, 'Claudia and her Convoluted Paranoid Conspiracy Theory About the Local Lighthouse, Which Has Never Been Mentioned Before and Will Never Be Mentioned Again'.
Stacey seems to think that Mr. Langley is behind all this nonsense, while Kristy (because she loves to be difficult) seems to think that it's Paul. Claudia says she's so confused, she could be convinced that Janine is behind it all. Oh, and Mary Anne reminds everyone that Laura and Jerry are still suspects. Didn't we, um, you know, disregard Laura a few chapters ago? I mean, they didn't have any concrete evidence, they didn't have a motive to apply... I'm confused as to why they still think she's behind it all. And Jerry? Are you serious? DO YOU HAVE ANY EVIDENCE, ANY EVIDENCE AT ALL?
At this point, it's plainly obvious that the ghostwriter was clutching at straws.
Claudia is sitting there staring at the photo she stole from Paul, when she suddenly gets a brainwave and decides to ring him. Claudia, do you REALLY think Paul wants to be disturbed by a stupid teenage girl with an inflated sense of self-importance? She asks him if Adrian is in the picture. He says no, then hangs up on her. I don't blame him.
After that fairly pointless phone call, all the girls have brainwaves! Maybe that note was left FOR Adrian, who wanted to be in the gang in the photo! And maybe it's one of those guys who is vandalizing the lighthouse and scaring the Hatts! What a concept! Kristy brings up the guy who was staring at the lighthouse, wondering if Stacey remembers what he looked like. Yeah, because she'd totally be able to recognize him after seeing him over a huge distance...
Kristy commands the girls to make a copy of the photo and memorise the faces, because she thinks one of them will show up at the party to ~*finish the Hatts off*~. Jessi is the sole voice of reason, saying, uh, DUH, they've aged about eight years, they're not going to look anything like they did then, are you stupid? And Kristy's like DO NOT QUESTION ME YOU SILLY LITTLE GIRL, I AM GOD
Friday night arrives, and it's time for the party. Claudia has finally memorised all the faces, and is starting to dream about them. Kinky.
Okay, there's one thing I don't get at this point, and I need someone who lives on the east coast of the US to enlighten me. Now, in winter- around Christmastime- is it really warm enough to have a party on the beach? According to Claudia, people are dancing on the sand and wandering up and down the pier. Now, here in Perth, it is perfectly normal to celebrate Christmas on the beach. But... in Connecticut? Seriously? Now that I think about it, Christmas is such a plot device in this book. I hate this stupid book.
The BSC are wandering around the lighthouse attempting to track down the Bringer of Doom, and K.Ron has made them meet up every fifteen minutes to exchange pointless details about the party. So far, nothing interesting has happened. Claudia returns to the party, and immediately runs into Janine. Janine calls Steve 'puerile'. Why? Because now his grades are back up to a C-average he's stopped making out with Janine in exchange for homework help and has instead hooked up with some random red-headed chick. Good for you, S Man!
Claudia suddenly notices the searchlight flickering and realises that somebody is up on the top floor of the lighthouse! She runs up the stairs, and discovers some tall gap-toothed guy is standing up there! And he was in that photograph K.Ron made them imprint on the inside of their eyelids! Claudia's heart stops beating OMG WHAT NOW???
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Then, the shit hits the fan. Claudia runs to find Mr Hatt and tell him that someone was on the top floor of the lighthouse (no way) but when she gets downstairs she discovers that Mr Langley is having a bitchfight with Mr Hatt because he thinks the party is a disturbance of the peace. After chucking a minor hissy fit, Claudia gets Mr Hatt to go to the top floor of the lighthouse with the BSCult in tow.
They're all standing around, looking for the gap-toothed guy, when the POWER GOES OUT!! AND THE GUY CLIMBS ONTO THE OUTSIDE OF THE LIGHTHOUSE, AND THEN HE FALLS INTO THE OCEAN! DEJA FUCKING VU~! Uh, he's not injured particularly badly in this jump, which makes me question something. Where the hell is this lighthouse, anyway? It sounds like it's down by the ocean, but aren't lighthouses usually on cliffs or near rocky areas?
After they drag this guy out of the water (how did they get to the water's edge so fast, anyway?), Claudia grills him and it turns out this guy's name is Patrick and he was a part of that gang that Adrian Langley wanted to join. And it turns out that it was this gang that locked the door to the lighthouse so Adrian couldn't get out, so basically this guy is responsible for Adrian's death. It turns out that Patrick was the one who left all the angry messages and stuff, because... wait for it... HE WANTED TO FIND THE NOTE THAT CLAUDIA FOUND. YES. HE'S BEEN TRYING TO GET INTO THE LIGHTHOUSE FOR TEN FUCKING YEARS JUST SO HE CAN RETRIEVE A SMALL FRAGMENT OF PAPER AND LIVE WITH A CLEAN CONSIENCE FOR THE REST OF HIS DAYS. This is so implausible and ridiculous I can't stand it. I... I'm at a loss for words.
An ambulance arrives and carts the gap-toothed plot device away, leaving Mr Hatt and Mr Langley to have a tearful reunion and they decide to be BFFs forever. Pretty much. Then, in a feat of impeccable timing, Jerry shows up, and him and Janine head off into the darkness together. Aww.
Claudia admits to Laura that she thought Laura was behind all the notes and stuff, and Laura thinks Claudia is really stupid. Claudia also tells Laura she thought Steve was involved, and we get this long and boring rant about how Steve was kicked out of his last school because his friends stole some band equipment, but he totally wasn't involved, and because he wanted to stand up for his friends he got kicked out as well.
God, Steve, you are such a douche.
This boring, boring shitfest ends with Kristy saying to the BSCult, "which one of you whispered He's outside when the lights went out upstairs?" and of course all the girls are like "WHAT NOT ME KTHX" and then we're left with a ~*cliffhanger*~ ending; OMG IS THERE REALLY A LIGHTHOUSE GHOST?
Y’know, I’ve never been keen on these ones. The BSC Mysteries are possibly the most UN-mysterious things I have ever read. In fact, this one doesn't have a mystery. Lighthouse ghost? What? It's convoluted and Claudia is like ... I don't know... one of the Lone Gunmen or something. She is suspicious of everyone and everything and GOD Claudia is an idiot.
First, let’s start with the cover.
All I can say is… Cover artists, why do you automatically assume that Claudia’s ‘weird fashion sense’ correlates with ‘dressing like a man’? Or 'looking like a thirty-year-old'? Well, at least they got the number of earrings right. And she actually looks slightly Asian, as opposed to Maori or Italian or whatever.
CHAPTER ONE
This chapter opens with Claudia doing a ‘perfect imitation’ of Ricky Ricardo. What, dear readers, have we done to deserve this? Apparently, Claudia and Abby performed an I Love Lucy skit for the Barrett-DeWitt kids while babysitting them earlier that afternoon. I have never seen an episode of I Love Lucy, but would it really appeal to a bunch of eight-year-olds and under? Oh, wait, I forgot; this is Bizarro Stoneybrook, where everyone loves I Love Lucy, for no reason whatsoever. Mmmkay.
Claudia also does this stupid seal laugh, simply to get attention and irritate her family members. In fact, she disturbs Janine while she’s listening to an astrophysics lecture. SHUT UP, CLAUDIA. JANINE IS TRYING TO DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE WITH HER LIFE.
Some exposition stuff follows; Claudia mentions Janine’s IQ, as per usual, but instead of adding that she also has a super high IQ but doesn’t use her obviously genius brains, she says "[Teachers] go weak in the knees when they see Janine’s IQ. They go weak in the knees when they see mine, too, but for a totally different reason." BA HA HA. Oh, Claudia. Remember when you, in your delusional state, used to claim that your IQ was also above average?
OUTFIT TIME! “I was wearing a high-collared dentist’s shirt and a loose-fitting Chinese silk jacket, cinched at the waist by a bright orange scarf, over tight black flared pants. My hair was gathered on top of my head with an orange bandanna.” Okay, that’s not fabulous, but it’s not like she’s wearing a piece of rope as a belt or something, or a tea bag vest. Claudia adds, “Yes, I know, you think I’m demented. But trust me, it looked great.” Doesn't it always look great? Huh? This leads on to a riveting paragraph about Claudia’s food-filled bedroom, love of Nancy Drew books, and obsession with art.
Claudia heads up to her room and overhears a very spelled-out conversation between her parents, which goes something like this:
Rioko (God, Ann M. Martin & inane ghostwriter, that is NOT how you romanise "ryoko", okay?): PEOPLE STILL REMEMBER WHAT ~*happened*~ AT THE LIGHTHOUSE SO THE HATTS CAN’T STAY WITH US
John: Don’t be a tard! You know Alex did absolutely nothing wrong on that ~*fateful day*~ and now his life is totes fucked up so we have to be nice to him etc.
Claudia then gives us a bit of background on the Stoneybrook lighthouse, which is apparently ‘Stoneybrook’s Most Ignored Building’. Boats used it in ANCIENT TIMES, you guys! Seriously! And apparently this Alex Hatt guy used to own it, but now the kids say it’s haunted! Oh noes!
So, Rioko pretty much gives in, and we learn that the Hatt family will be living with the Kishis for awhile; there are two daughters, Caryn and Laura, and a son, Stevie. He used to call himself ‘Thtevie’. Claudia used to call herself 'Caludia'; I fail to see how his baby name is more ridiculous than that.
While Claudia is trying to eavesdrop on her parents conversation, Janine barges in, looking for a headband. Claudia, of course, begins arguing with Janine about the Hatts. She also calls astrophysics ‘astroturfics’, which segues nicely into an introduction to the stupid B-Plot, which involves the Veehoff Comet heading TO STONEYBROOK. Janine adds “We still haven’t figured out if it’ll hit”, which kinda suggests to me that if this comet collides with the earth (which it obviously won’t, because this is a Baby-Sitters Club book), all the damage and commotion and doom will be located ENTIRELY in the locality of Stoneybrook. Oh, and apparently, all the astronomers & scientists in Stoneybrook are so inept they're getting a bunch of kids at the Community College to work out if the comet is going to hit.
BTW, I totally love how casually Janine says that "We still haven't figured out if it'll hit" line.
The chapter ends with Claudia bitching to herself about how Janine has a boyfriend, even though she’s a nerd, while Claudia is dateless and lonely and emo and doesn’t have a twelve-year-old boyfriend to make out with, and then she decides to clean her room. END CHAPTER. Thank God.
CHAPTER TWO (the dreaded, DREADED chapter two)
So, we’re back to talking about the afterthought plot, a.k.a. the ‘Veehoff Comet’. Stacey says that if it comes too close to earth, everyone will turn into warewolves, while Mallory heard it was vampires. Abby makes one of her patented unamusing jokes. All is right with the BSC verse. For some reason, her joke about vampires reminds Claudia of cherry creams (ew) and she pulls a box of them out from underneath her bed.
It turns out all the kids in Stoneybrook are super excited about the comet, and because the BSC can’t do ANYTHING without having some sort of creepy involvement with the Stoneybrook kiddies, K.Ron suggests they have a comet viewing party, and since Abby is Kristy’s lapdog, she agrees with this wholeheartedly.
Mary Anne wonders if they’ll need a telescope. I wonder if a resounding ‘DUH’ is required here.
Claudia says that the comet party is a fabulous idea, because Kristy is an ideas machine. Um, a comet viewing party isn’t *exactly* a groundbreaking idea, you know. People have them rather often if there’s a meteor shower or whatever. Hell, even *I* have been to a meteor shower viewing party. But, I suppose the BSC is so brainwashed by the Kult of K.Ron that they think everything she says is GENIUS.
And now… for the boring skip worthy introductory stuff. I actually skimmed this to see if there was anything LOL-worthy in it.
* Apparently, Kristy’s mind is very, er, ‘kid-centric’. Read into that what you will.
* Kristy’s introduction is interrupted by Abby answering the phone with “Baby-Sitters Club, Veehoff what you need!” Of course, everyone thinks this is hilarious, because Abby’s one-dimensional character trait is the comedian.
* Mary Anne’s father was hella strict when Mary Anne was twelve (a year ago) because “he didn’t have a wife to tell him to chill”
* Jessi is black
… and that’s it. Yawn.
Kristy won’t shut up about the damn comet party, until Claudia suggests the HAUNTED LIGHTHOUSE, OOOOH. This then leads to Claudia reminding the girls about the Hatt family, and Abby makes another really, really lame joke about their names. (‘I know them- Porkpie, Slouch, Stovepipe and Top.’ HA FUCKING HA. GOD, ABBY, I CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO THINK YOU WERE COOL.) Mary Anne briefly reminisces about a night when her and her dad were driving past it one night when she was younger (and singing ‘Fox Went Out on a Chilly Night’, I kid you not, she actually includes that.) Apparently something really really REALLY bad happened at the lighthouse and Claudia starts to freak out, thinking the Hatts are mass murderers or something. And thus begins the paranoia.
CHAPTER THREE
“Pass the brown stuff.”
My mom handed me a steaming platter. “Beef teriyaki,” she reminded me, with a raised eyebrow.
This may sound a tad narrowminded- but how can you grow up in a Japanese family and NOT know what teriyaki is? I mean, I know Claudia doesn’t intend to acknowledge her heritage that much (apart from appropriating it from time to time) but… really?????
There’s some boring stuff about Janine’s date with Jerry, blah blah blah, boys are complicated, Janine doesn’t want any garlic due to possibility of bad breath, etc. Then, Claudia’s dad tells the family that the Hatts are coming to stay, and they’ll be arriving on Sunday.
“Sunday?” I repeated. “That’s in two days!”
“Your math is improving,” Janine murmured.
Janine, I really love you.
But anyway, because five people are coming to stay, Claudia and Janine will have to share a room! Because they’re the original Odd Couple! And amusing hijinks will no doubt ensue! Needless to say, both of them are utterly horrified. Janine is rather pissed, saying she won’t be able to concentrate on her homework during BSC meetings since the room will be full of “nattering girls” (Janine, really. You’re awesome.) Claudia quickly formulates an elaborate plan to move to New York, where Stacey’s dad will find her a cheap apartment, and she can sell her paintings in Central Park. That’s a ridiculous, far-out premise, and I almost wish she’d vocalise it so Janine could shoot it down with some quick, clever comeback.
After dinner, Janine sits around and waits for Jerry, and he doesn’t show up, so she chucks a minor hissy fit and goes into her bedroom. Because she’s a genius, she blasts classical music to rid herself of angst and starts typing away on her computer, either writing an angry blog or flaming him on a message board.
CHAPTER FOUR ~in which Janine the Fabulous moves into Claudia’s hellhole~
Janine is moving her stuff into Claudia’s room. Claudia is hella put out because she’s had to spend her entire morning re-hiding all her old, mouldy junk food that’s been sitting under her bed since 1986. After Janine’s computer has been moved into place, Claudia thinks her bedroom looks like a ‘storage closet’. I already thought it was a rat-infested hellhole pigsty, but okay.
The Hatts show up in a minivan (Mrs. Hatt’s name is Flora! Heeeee!) and a whole bunch of embarrassing kiddie memories are bought to the surface (apparently, Claudia used to call herself ‘Dodee-a’… But what about CALUDIA? Well, she still can’t spell her name, but at least she can pronounce it now! Look how far she’s come in the last ten or so years!)
Claudia also falls in love with Stevie Hatt, who has "gray-blue eyes, like a winter morning sky", and doesn’t talk to anyone. He just grunts occasionally. Ah, the folly of youth.
Claudia and Janine take Laura and Caryn up to Janine’s room. We learn that Janine has a posters of Virgina Woolf and Madam Curie in her bedroom. (Awesome, but… a Marie Curie poster? Really?) Caryn asks what year Janine and Claudia are in, and when Claudia says she’s in seventh, Fabulously Bitchy Laura says, “Funny, you look older than twelve.” The girls go on to say something about Steve’s ~*seedy past*~, but they’re interrupted when Claudia’s dad tells them it’s time for lunch. As they head downstairs, Janine tells Claudia she thinks Steve is cute (Oh, GOD, Janine, please don’t go for the slightly good-looking stupid ones… you’re too good for them!) and Claudia gets pissy because she thinks Steve may be the boy of her dreams. Like that random Japanese guy at Camp Mohawk, and the thirty-year-old ski instructor, and the stalker from that cruise in Florida, and Austin Bentley, and that wierd goth guy... Trevor Sandbourne... etc.
Lunch involves potato salad, cold cuts, and Claudia imagining some sexual tension between her and Stevie. Janine asks Mr. Hatt about the lighthouse, and they talk rather abstractly about the shit that went down there a few years back. Steve says he wants to have a party there, AFTER DARK (he sounds like such a try hard fourteen/fifteen-year-old to me) and when Mr. Hatt says that nobody is allowed in the lighthouse until it has been searched thouroughly, Steve says, “what do you think you’ll find in there? Dead bodies?”
Claudia says “I am no fool.” (really?) and comes to the conclusion that something weird is going on with the Hatts and the lighthouse. As Kristy would say, Big Woo.
CHAPTER FIVE
Laura and Claudia are walking through the Hallowed Halls of Stoneybrook Middle School, and Laura is making fun of Claudia. Why? Well, Claudia doesn’t know any of the popular seventh-graders. I thought Claudia was supposed to be one of the most popular kids in year seven? (Surprising, especially since she’s older and stupider than all of them). They head to the girls’ bathroom and Laura proceeds to drop her lipstick on the ground (what kind of twelve-year-old wears lipstick to school? Wait, don’t answer that question)
They head out to the carpark where Mr. Hatt is picking them up in the minivan. He tells them that they’re going to visit…. THE LIGHTHOUSE~! OMG!!! Claudia gulps and gets hella nervous, but first they drive to a paint store and she proceeds to make him pick out paint samples according to what she wants (apparently, the lighthouse is crying out for a “red and white motif”.)
The happy gang proceeds to drive to the lighthouse, and there’s a whole bunch of predictably crappy writing to set the scene. “The sun was hanging low over the Sound, swollen and dusky orange in the mist. Birds flew across it, their silhouettes black as bats… The lighthouse came into view, [and] in the dim rays of the setting sun, the jagged graffiti looked like snakes crawling up the walls.” Uh, why is the sun setting? It’s only about 4-o’clock in the afternoon, at the absolute latest. Claudia freaks out again, because she thinks she sees something moving through the window, and the radio is tuned to an all-news station which is going on about bad economic news. (Welcome to the 2000s, bb.)
They all head into the lighthouse, and Mr. Hatt gives Caryn and Claudia a torch each and lets them go exploring (yeah, because sending a pre-teen and an idiot teenager into a condemned building to explore is an excellent example of parenting… but, again, this IS Stoneybrook). They head upstairs, and wander around for a bit, and then Claudia starts to hear an ~*eerie voice*~. Needless to say, she freaks out, but it turns out to be the voice of one Mr. Langley, who kinda wants to pwn Mr. Hatt. They have another ambiguous argument about what happened at the lighthouse, which Claudia conveniently overhears. Mr. Langley spits at Mr. Hatt (bahahah), and on that happy note, the chapter ends.
CHAPTER SIX
Oh, God, an Abby babysitting chapter. In this chapter she’s babysitting for the Hobarts, but for a change, the chapter is not rife with stupid Australian stereotypes (and, as an Australian, let me say I don’t find them amusing) … well, except for one in Abby’s Notebook entry.
ABBY, PEOPLE DO NOT SAY ’SHRIMP ON THE BAHHHHBIE’. I PERSONALLY HAVE NEVER SAID ‘SHRIMP ON THE BAHHHHBIE’ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, EXCEPT WHILE BEING IRONIC. NOT EVEN MY EIGHTY-YEAR OLD COUNTRY-BRED GRANDFATHER SAID THAT SORT OF THING. BESIDES, DAMMIT, THEY’RE CALLED PRAWNS. PRAWNS!!!!!! YOU’RE NOT FUNNY. PLEASE STFU.
Ahem.
So, Abby is playing football with the Hobart kids, and for some bizarre reason Ben factors into the babysitting equation in this chapter. Whatevs.
Jessi brings the Braddocks and Buddy over to visit. Matt and Buddy are dressed up as aliens, in honour of the Veehoff Comet. They’ve made up this stupid game about Veehoff aliens and Earthlings with superpowers. The game of football is quickly abandoned and everyone goes inside to talk about the comet. Ben mentions that a comet caused ‘Noah’s flood’, and I nearly throw up. A RELIGIOUS MENTION? IN A BABY-SITTERS CLUB BOOK? GOD HAS NO PLACE WITHIN THESE PAGES! Besides, it wasn’t *Noah’s* flood, it was just a flood. Gahhh. Ben continues to scare the kiddies with tales of zombies and aliens and all sorts of stupid shit, and the girls do absolutely nothing to stop him. God, they’re fantastic baby-sitters, aren’t they?
CHAPTER SEVEN
Claudia bitches about how she hasn’t had time to flirt with Stevie because she’s always cleaning up Janine’s stuff. Um, Claudia, you didn’t ever clean up your OWN stuff, why are you bothering with Janine’s? Her cleaning is interrupted when Jerry rings. Claudia calls Janine to answer the phone (since Janine is downstairs bonding with the Grunting Teenager) and Janine refuses to speak to Jerry. (Sheesh, Janine, he forgot one measley date. Big freaking deal.)
Claudia and Janine talk about Steve for awhile. Apparently he’s really sweet and popular, and has introduced Janine to a bunch of people at school, all of whom used to ignore her. PLUS, he’s having an illicit party in the falling-down lighthouse after dark! And Janine and a few select people are invited! Oh how exciting! How scary! How illegal! How… lame.
Janine, where the hell has your brain gone? The Janine we know and love would have never partied with some douche bag who grunts instead of speaking, and is unable to do his simple eleventh-grade homework without getting her to do it for him.
Claudia tries to get Janine to talk about the ~*mysterious lighthouse*~, but Janine is more interested in her hormones than the stupid musings of a thirteen-year-old, so she heads back downstairs to hang with Steve. Janine also tells Claudia she needs to make some spreadsheets, so Claudia chucks a hissy and decides to hold the BSC meeting in the living room. Exactly two minutes after the meeting starts, the girls get kicked out of the living room by Mr. Hatt and Mr. Kishi. They go to the den, but Caryn and Laura are playing video games. They go to the kitchen, but Mrs. Kishi is preparing fish for dinner, and the smell of fish nauseates all of them, so they head into the bathroom. Yes. They conduct their meeting in the bathroom. I wonder what K. Ron thinks of this highly professional behaviour?
While Claudia is speaking to a client on the phone, Abby pretends to flush the toilet. She thinks this is absolutely hilarious. Nobody else does. I hate Abby. Then, Steve barges into the bathroom and freaks out because there are a bunch of pre-pubescent girls sitting in there, attempting to conduct SERIOUS BUSINESS. They all have a good giggle at this, because they’re kinda immature.
The meeting then takes on a serious tone when Mallory mentions the lighthouse. It turns out that Mallory, her dad, and the rest of the Pike crotchdroppings were heading to the store a couple of nights ago, and it looked like someone was trying to get INTO the lighthouse. Um, why did they have to drive past the lighthouse to get to the store? It sounds like it would be a bit out of the way. But… I mean… in Stoneybrook, the landscape DOES magically change to suit the whims of the ghostwriter. Anyway, Mallory and Claire are the only two who take the whole thing seriously (which, I think, says a lot about Mallory’s mental age).
SUDDENLY, the girls are interrupted by a piercing scream. It turns out that Janine, who had gone out to check the mail, discovered a BURNT HAT on the front porch. Yes, a burnt hat. Oh, and an envelope containing a torn-up picture of the lighthouse and one of those messages in cut-out letters which Ann M. Martin seems to love so much. It reads: “Ashes to ashes, we all fall down, we have not forgotten.” Um, way to mix up your nursery rhymes and funeral rites, kthx. The only person who actually cares about this whole event is Claudia. Everyone else just wants to try and move on with the day, but Claudia is all like ‘OMG FREAKY WTF’.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Ba ha ha. Oh God. This is one of those chapters where the girls all think they’re detectives and try to piece together pieces of the ~*mystery*~, and write a whole bunch of pointless shit in their speshul mystery notebook. Ooh. The chapter opens with a rambly entry from Kristy in the mystery notebook, then cuts back to the meeting that was interrupted by the mysterious arrival of the burnt hat. Mary Anne begins to cry, because she’s a pussy, and wonders if Claudia is going to be murdered or something.
At six o’clock, the meeting ends, and Abby and Kristy head home. While they’re sitting in Charlie’s unsafe vehicle, Kristy asks him about the lighthouse. Charlie says that, one stormy night, a thirteen-year-old girl went to the lighthouse with some friends, and was transported to the spirit world. Wooo. Kristy and Abby (who are taking this all way, way too seriously) tell him that the Hatts are involved, and Charlie launches into this kind of hilarious story about how Steve’s invited all these girls to his Christmas party (wait, since when was it Christmas?) at the lighthouse, and Sam is hella pissed because he wanted to have some girls at his party. You snooze, you lose, bb. Simple as that. Kristy and Abby exchange a ‘Look’ and wonder if one of the hormonal idiots at the High School is involved with all this Hatt Hate.
Claudia’s Mystery Notebook entry is too good not to include:
Thursday
May be your wright Kristy. May be Mr. Langly didn’t do it. Infact, I have anothe idea whom mite have done it. you may not beleave it, tho...
Claudia adds, "If I spelled anything wrong, ignore it." Claudia, there is no way in fresh hell I can ignore your crappy spelling. I mean, it's one of your one-dimensional character traits!
Anyway, this leads to Claudia and Laura heading home after school with some chick named Tonya, who is a cheerleader and total sourpuss, according to Claudia. Laura tells Tonya that Claudia hides junk food in her underwear drawer, and once Laura walked in on Claudia... EATING JUNK FOOD! IN PRIVATE! God, there's just something so utterly sad about this. It's like Claudia gets some sort of pleasure from eating junk food by herself, IDK, but it totally rubs me the wrong way. Then again, this book IS from the warped mind of Peter Lerangis...
Claudia runs home, totally humiliated, and after ruining a canvas with a bunch of black and grey splatters, she decides to go and confront Laura. She walks in to Janine's room, and finds... horror of horrors... a pair of scissors with pieces of glossy magazine photos stuck to the blades! And a bunch of headlines, cut out of magazines! Oh noes! Laura must be the psycho who is trying to break into the lighthouse and scare Claudia and send her family threatening burnt hats! Mystery solved!
T'Yeah right. God, Claudia, you're so stupid.
The chapter continues with a joint journal entry between Stacey and Mary Anne. For some ... bizarre reason, Mr. Hatt hired these two thirteen-year-old girls, who he doesn't know at all, to help clean out the lighthouse. Um, how much help would Stacey and Mary Anne REALLY be? Shouldn't they get some professional cleaners in to move all the bits of old wood and metal and stuff? And what kind of parent would let their child go off with some random man to help clean up a crappy, falling-down lighthouse? Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children?
Somebody's spray-painted 'HATTS OFF!' in "blood-red" paint on the outer wall. Mr. Hatt is completely nonplussed, but Mary Anne is already practically sobbing and hugging herself in a corner somewhere. Once they get inside, Mary Anne and Caryn head up to the roof to clean, while Stacey stays on the middle floor and gathers "little metal doohickeys" into a pile. She takes a break to gaze out the window, and sees a SUSPICIOUS college-age student (oh, those university students! Always causing trouble!) ... looking at the lighthouse! A chill runs down Stacey's spine! What the hell is somebody doing walking alone near the beach on a Saturday morning? There's something bizarre about that! They should be neglecting their children or holding some sort of activity with children or taking an unhealthy interest in neighbourhood children's lives, or something!
The final entry in the mystery notebook is from our favourite loser eleven-year-olds. It's another one of those irritating entries which is written in tandem. It turns out that Jessi and Mallory found an article about some kid named Adrian Langley, who broke into the lighthouse, climbed to the top, jumped into the ocean, and subsequently died. (No shit.) The article itself is particularly poorly written, and would no doubt have earned me a fail mark in my journalism classes last semester.
CHAPTER NINE
Baby-sitting chapter time! This time, Mallory and Jessi are sitting for the Pike offspring, and we finally hear another mention of the comet b-plot. Mr. Pike bus the Pike kids a telescope, and they go apeshit over it. He leaves Jessi and Mal to deal with them.
The Pike kids proceed to check out the new telescope, even though it's the middle of the afternoon and thus fairly useless. Margo tells everyone she can see the neighbours in their underwear. The Pike kids get really excited. Vanessa makes up a stupid poem, which goes something like this.
Comet, comet, in the sky,
Nice to see you flying high!
We learned about you in our class;
Are you made of ice or gas?
You will be my very first comet...
Adam suggests that she should finish it off with "Vanessa's poems just make me vomit!" and I must admit, I did chortle a bit at that. Why is it that the triplets always seem to make up more amusing rhymes on the spur of the moment? This isn't the first time it's happened.
More arguing ensues. It's all very boring. I would totally hate to live in the Pike house.
CHAPTER TEN
Claudia is trying to concentrate on a Nancy Drew novel (do you even NEED to concentrate while reading a Nancy Drew novel?) while Janine plays Christmas music on her computer. Apparently, it's only ten days until Christmas. How many Christmases do the BSC celebrate over the course of the entire series, anyway? Judging by the list of books in the back, we've had about three Christmases within the last twenty or so books.
Claudia hasn't done any Christmas shopping yet. Janine has, though. She didn't buy anything for Jerry, because she spent his portion of her Christmas money on the Grunting Wonder, Steve. Claudia has more nasty thoughts about physically injuring Janine (they're starting to get a tad creepy) THEN, because she's paranoid, she wonders if JERRY is the one who wants to get the Hatts... for stealing his girlfriend! OMG! That's not far-fetched at all!
Abby, Stacey, Kristy, Claudia and Mr Hatt all head to the lighthouse because it's PAINTING DAY! Again, WHY would he hire a bunch of thirteen-year-olds to paint a lighthouse? Wouldn't you need to hire a painting firm or something? I suppose he was probably able to hire them for fifty cents an hour. The girls start by peeling the old paint off the sides, Abby sings a bunch of unamusing songs, all is well.
THEN, ALONG COMES MR. LANGLEY! Claudia freaks out, like he's an axe murderer or an alien or that teacher who accused her of cheating that time, and she makes Kristy go and talk to him. It turns out that Mr. Langley thinks Mr. Hatt locked Adrian inside the lighthouse, and Adrian had claustrophobia so he jumped off the roof in an attempt to get out, killing himself in the process. Then his redneck son Paul shows up, and informs the girls that "The only good Hatt is a dead Hatt." Of course, now Claudia is absolutely certain that Mr. Hatt is a murderer. God, she's gullible.
Oh, the chapter ends with Claudia finding this old note in the basement of the lighthouse, which reads "If you survive the night, you will be one of us." Yeah, it doesn't take an idiot to come to the conclusion that Adrian obviously had a lot of testosterone with nothing to do, so he decided to be a big man by trying to join some stupid High School gang. Oh, look, I just managed to solve this stupid mystery.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Claudia's paranoia is really starting to set in; it's a miracle she hasn't donned a tinfoil hat and started claiming the government is behind it all. She's walking home with Laura, who she still suspects sent that burnt hat. Again: What motive would Laura have? For a veteran of 27 of these stupid books, Claudia, you're really not very good at solving mysteries. All you have to go on is some extremely weak evidence.
Laura starts to bitch about the fact that Steve hasn't invited her to his Christmas party. Claudia tries to calm her down, saying that Steve isn't even allowed to have the party at the lighthouse, but it turns out that Mr. Hatt, in another show of excellent parenting, has agreed to let his fifteen-year-old son hold a huge party in a (still) unfinished, shitty, crumbly lighthouse. Way to go.
It turns out there's another cut-out letter waiting when Claudia gets home. Laura is furious. Claudia decides that the scissors and cut-up paper in Janine's room was just a coincidence. Gee, it took you FOUR chapters to work that out? Claudia the Genius decides to TELL Laura about her suspicions, but then Jerry shows up, and chaos ensues. Janine flees to Claudia's room, saying she's in Siberia. Jerry asks Claudia to give Janine a letter he's written her. I am still unsure as to why Janine is so pissed at him.
Claudia heads up to her room and gives Janine the letter. Then, she settles down at her desk and takes another look at the note she retrieved from the lighthouse. There's a gargoyle drawn on it, so she attempts to replicate the picture in larger form. Janine says it's the gargoyle that's situated over the enterence at Stoneybrook High School. YES, SHS has gargoyles.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Oh, finally.
It's time for that fucking comet party. Or, as Kristy has dubbed it, 'The Great and Fabulous Once-in-a-Lifetime Baby-Sitters Club Comet-Watching Festival'. All the kids show up in ridiculous outfits, because the Stoneybrook Hive Mind thinks that the comet is going to turn them into vampires or destroy the world. I don't know why the girls say the kids look so wierd- they're wearing the same sort of shit that Claudia wears to school every day. I can imagine Claud wearing a tinfoil dress, antennae, a pair of those star-shaped sunglasses, a tupperware container on each foot...
The kids have all congregated in Mary Anne's yard, and, of course, are acting all stupid. There's more boring doom and gloom comet death blah blah blah kinda stuff; I stopped paying attention to this plot after about page twenty, so forgive me if the snark for this chapter is a tad light on. It just goes to show how unbelievably BORING and stale the mystery books are.
The comet finally arrives at 8:07, and all the kids are super disappointed. Claudia cries. Mary Anne must be slitting her wrists somewhere. Mallory is probably wondering why nobody sees her as a shiny, beautiful, glittering comet.
B-Plot is finally over. Thank goodness.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Claudia and the Cult are standing outside SHS, wondering why the hell someone stuck a gargoyle over the front door. Apparently, the students have fondly dubbed the gargoyle 'Fred' and the students used to hold 'Fred' parties, where they would all dress up as gargoyles and (obviously) get extremely high. Unfortunately, a whole bunch of burnouts decided to start a gang and adopt Fred as their symbol, thus destroying the Fred Fun for everyone. Oh woe. Now, the faculty has forbidden students to have Fred parties, and because this is Stoneybrook where EVERYONE listens to the adults, there haven't been any Fred parties since. Whatever.
The girls walk to Charlie's crappy car, since he's taking Abby, Stacey, Kristy and Claudia home. (where the hell are Jessi and Mallory? Obviously they're not cool enough to go and hang around at the High School. Sheeeesh.) Of course, they run into Adrian's brother, Paul Langley, and because Kristy is an insensitive bitch, she proceeds to grill him about his dead brother. Ouch.
Claudia finally shows Paul the note, and then he invites the girls back to his place to go through Adrian's stuff. I kid you not. And because Charlie is such a sad, friendless guy, he offers to drive them there. Get a life, Charlie. Please.
So, the girls all head off to the Langleys' place. Charlie just dumps them there and drives off. I'm surprised that Claudia isn't having convulsions or something at this point, considering how she's been acting throughout this book. Paul takes the girls into Adrian's room (oooh) and shows them a photo of a bunch of high school kids in front of SHS... SMOKING! OH MY GOD, THEY SMOKE, SO THEY MUST BE EVIL. They're all just standing there, looking at this photo (there's nothing awkward about it at all, no way) when Stacey suddenly realises... THE LIGHTHOUSE IS ON FIRE! Yes, the Langleys do live right next door to the lighthouse where one of their family members died. Uh huh. That's healthy. Anyhoo, Claudia calls the fire department, then the Hatts, and then the five of them race outside.
It turns out the lighthouse isn't on fire at all. In fact, it was merely a harmless ~*smoke bomb*~. Meanwhile, someone's scratched some words into the ground near the lighthouse entrance, telling people to "STAY AWAY OR ELSE!" Then the fire department arrive, and, according to the text, immediately turn around and leave again.
The Hatt family shows up and Mr. Hatt, in yet another moment of wonderful judgement, tells Steve that he can still have his stupid party at the lighthouse, in fact, why the hell don't they just invite the entire town to it? Puh-leeeese. Oh, and then Claudia realises that Paul has disappeared. How mysterious.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
BSC meeting time! Hooray! Of course, they're not dealing with baby-sitting issues at the moment. Instead, they're spending all their time chatting about the 'lighthouse trouble'. By the way, I love how the title of this book is 'Claudia and the Lighthouse Ghost', and there isn't really a 'Lighthouse Ghost' in this book at all. It should have been called something like, oh, I don't know, 'Claudia and her Convoluted Paranoid Conspiracy Theory About the Local Lighthouse, Which Has Never Been Mentioned Before and Will Never Be Mentioned Again'.
Stacey seems to think that Mr. Langley is behind all this nonsense, while Kristy (because she loves to be difficult) seems to think that it's Paul. Claudia says she's so confused, she could be convinced that Janine is behind it all. Oh, and Mary Anne reminds everyone that Laura and Jerry are still suspects. Didn't we, um, you know, disregard Laura a few chapters ago? I mean, they didn't have any concrete evidence, they didn't have a motive to apply... I'm confused as to why they still think she's behind it all. And Jerry? Are you serious? DO YOU HAVE ANY EVIDENCE, ANY EVIDENCE AT ALL?
At this point, it's plainly obvious that the ghostwriter was clutching at straws.
Claudia is sitting there staring at the photo she stole from Paul, when she suddenly gets a brainwave and decides to ring him. Claudia, do you REALLY think Paul wants to be disturbed by a stupid teenage girl with an inflated sense of self-importance? She asks him if Adrian is in the picture. He says no, then hangs up on her. I don't blame him.
After that fairly pointless phone call, all the girls have brainwaves! Maybe that note was left FOR Adrian, who wanted to be in the gang in the photo! And maybe it's one of those guys who is vandalizing the lighthouse and scaring the Hatts! What a concept! Kristy brings up the guy who was staring at the lighthouse, wondering if Stacey remembers what he looked like. Yeah, because she'd totally be able to recognize him after seeing him over a huge distance...
Kristy commands the girls to make a copy of the photo and memorise the faces, because she thinks one of them will show up at the party to ~*finish the Hatts off*~. Jessi is the sole voice of reason, saying, uh, DUH, they've aged about eight years, they're not going to look anything like they did then, are you stupid? And Kristy's like DO NOT QUESTION ME YOU SILLY LITTLE GIRL, I AM GOD
Friday night arrives, and it's time for the party. Claudia has finally memorised all the faces, and is starting to dream about them. Kinky.
Okay, there's one thing I don't get at this point, and I need someone who lives on the east coast of the US to enlighten me. Now, in winter- around Christmastime- is it really warm enough to have a party on the beach? According to Claudia, people are dancing on the sand and wandering up and down the pier. Now, here in Perth, it is perfectly normal to celebrate Christmas on the beach. But... in Connecticut? Seriously? Now that I think about it, Christmas is such a plot device in this book. I hate this stupid book.
The BSC are wandering around the lighthouse attempting to track down the Bringer of Doom, and K.Ron has made them meet up every fifteen minutes to exchange pointless details about the party. So far, nothing interesting has happened. Claudia returns to the party, and immediately runs into Janine. Janine calls Steve 'puerile'. Why? Because now his grades are back up to a C-average he's stopped making out with Janine in exchange for homework help and has instead hooked up with some random red-headed chick. Good for you, S Man!
Claudia suddenly notices the searchlight flickering and realises that somebody is up on the top floor of the lighthouse! She runs up the stairs, and discovers some tall gap-toothed guy is standing up there! And he was in that photograph K.Ron made them imprint on the inside of their eyelids! Claudia's heart stops beating OMG WHAT NOW???
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Then, the shit hits the fan. Claudia runs to find Mr Hatt and tell him that someone was on the top floor of the lighthouse (no way) but when she gets downstairs she discovers that Mr Langley is having a bitchfight with Mr Hatt because he thinks the party is a disturbance of the peace. After chucking a minor hissy fit, Claudia gets Mr Hatt to go to the top floor of the lighthouse with the BSCult in tow.
They're all standing around, looking for the gap-toothed guy, when the POWER GOES OUT!! AND THE GUY CLIMBS ONTO THE OUTSIDE OF THE LIGHTHOUSE, AND THEN HE FALLS INTO THE OCEAN! DEJA FUCKING VU~! Uh, he's not injured particularly badly in this jump, which makes me question something. Where the hell is this lighthouse, anyway? It sounds like it's down by the ocean, but aren't lighthouses usually on cliffs or near rocky areas?
After they drag this guy out of the water (how did they get to the water's edge so fast, anyway?), Claudia grills him and it turns out this guy's name is Patrick and he was a part of that gang that Adrian Langley wanted to join. And it turns out that it was this gang that locked the door to the lighthouse so Adrian couldn't get out, so basically this guy is responsible for Adrian's death. It turns out that Patrick was the one who left all the angry messages and stuff, because... wait for it... HE WANTED TO FIND THE NOTE THAT CLAUDIA FOUND. YES. HE'S BEEN TRYING TO GET INTO THE LIGHTHOUSE FOR TEN FUCKING YEARS JUST SO HE CAN RETRIEVE A SMALL FRAGMENT OF PAPER AND LIVE WITH A CLEAN CONSIENCE FOR THE REST OF HIS DAYS. This is so implausible and ridiculous I can't stand it. I... I'm at a loss for words.
An ambulance arrives and carts the gap-toothed plot device away, leaving Mr Hatt and Mr Langley to have a tearful reunion and they decide to be BFFs forever. Pretty much. Then, in a feat of impeccable timing, Jerry shows up, and him and Janine head off into the darkness together. Aww.
Claudia admits to Laura that she thought Laura was behind all the notes and stuff, and Laura thinks Claudia is really stupid. Claudia also tells Laura she thought Steve was involved, and we get this long and boring rant about how Steve was kicked out of his last school because his friends stole some band equipment, but he totally wasn't involved, and because he wanted to stand up for his friends he got kicked out as well.
God, Steve, you are such a douche.
This boring, boring shitfest ends with Kristy saying to the BSCult, "which one of you whispered He's outside when the lights went out upstairs?" and of course all the girls are like "WHAT NOT ME KTHX" and then we're left with a ~*cliffhanger*~ ending; OMG IS THERE REALLY A LIGHTHOUSE GHOST?