#37 - Dawn and the Older Boy
Ok, this is my first snark, even though I've been reading and enjoying this community for a long time now. I don't know if I can measure up to all of you, but we are getting ready to move and my husband is insisting that I take all my old BSC books to Goodwill, so I thought I'd snark one for posterity (and also procrastinate on doing actual moving-related things.) I know this book has been done before, but I think it has enough crapitude for a second go-round. Now, when I was a kid (and *cough*teen*cough*) reading these books, I was a California girl- not blonde, not vegetarian (even though I am now, ironic), not into health food, not into the beach or tanning. About the only thing I had in common with Dawn was our tragic fashion sense- yes, I believed that cuffed jean shorts and an oversized striped t-shirt were the shizznit.
You know what's most creepy about this cover? The fact that there are random children running around.
Chapter One: We begin, yes, with dialog. Claudia is trying to convince Dawn to exchange her orange lipstick for a pink one that looked like "used bubble gum." They're having a make-over party, you see. Aaaaaaand, we're on to the BSC introductions, less than 2 pages in. We are told that Claudia is an artist, a bad student, especially compared to her sister Janine who goes around doing quadratic equations for fun. Now, I don't know about you, but I did think that quadratic equations were fun. But I never went around doing them in my head for no reason. And, by the time I was Janine's age, had I been a genius, I would think I'd be long past those and doing differential equations or whatever. Claudia (wait for various orientalizing moments) is a "beaufiful, dramatic-looking (ding!) Japanese American who loves exotic (ding ding!) clothes." Dawn? In her own words (and italics) "My friends all say I look like a California girl with my long blonde hair and sparkly blue eyes."
Once, just ONCE, I'd like to see Dawn portrayed on the cover with really lo-o-o-ng hair. Don't we all picture something like this:
but then get something like this on every cover?
FAIL.
Mary Anne "is a lot less daring with clothes and make-up than I am." SERIOUSLY? Dawn is so frigging delusional. Repeat after me: CA casual =/= daring. Stacey McGill is a "real New York girl" - as opposed to fake ones. Sophisticated- apparently meaning shopping at Express and Wet Seal (how else to find the newest and trendiest fashions?) and being a serial dater at 13. Huh. Kristy has an "interesting" family- oooh la la, you just don't see combined families very often these days, do you? Mallory comes from an "enormous" family (*cough*quiverfull*cough*Duggars*cough*) and guess what? She is white! No just kidding, your race doesn't have to get mentioned if it's not EXOTIC. Jessi is black. Da da DUM. And a dancer. Did you know it takes a lot of skill to get roles in major ballets? Then again, at 11, that would be something remarkable. Wikipedia tells me that most ballerinas don't even begin dancing en pointe until between the ages of 11 and 16, and that serious deformities could happen to your feet if you start before that point. So... whatever, it's not like Jessi's getting any older. Ever.
Chapter Two: They wake up at Kristy's house the next morning, looking all kinds of post-make-over obnoxious. Kristy convinces them that they are not expected to "get dressed" for breakfast- that's the great thing about weekends! (Ahhh, the curiously formal world of the BSC- where you worry about "getting dressed" for breakfast, answer the phone "Hello, Thomas/Brewer residence" and never EVER watch t.v.) But guess what? There are boys in the kitchen! BOYS! BRAS! BOYS! BRAS! Kristy's brothers and another guy who "looked like a movie star." Travis makes them regret fugging it up for breakfast and Dawn blurts out the first thing that comes to her head: "Is that granola you're eating?" "That's right," Travis said easily. "It's practically the state food in California." He was from California! Oh give me an effing break- right off the top of my head, I can think of a million foods more associated with the state of CA than granola- tacos, anyone? Dawn and Travis have an awesome nutrition-oriented moment (OTP!) before the BSC decides to run upstairs in an attempt to not look horrible, but not before Dawn felt a funny little flutter in her chest. Hmm. After they go back down, they talk about CALIFORNIA for hours. (hint: the word "ocean" was mentioned at least 54 times). Please forgive the 75% of Californians who don't live anywhere near an ocean. Gah. Dawn decides this is love at first sight, age difference be damned.
Chapter Three: I think I'll spare you guys the BSC chapter except to note that Dawn looks forward to Mondays so she can go to BSC meetings. srsly. And that Kristy glared at her icily because she was two minutes late. Oh, and that Dawn used the entire meeting to casually bring Travis into the conversation. If by "casual" we mean "drunken obsessed stalker" that is. Ah, love.
Chapter Four: Guess what? Dawn's really old farmhouse has a smokehouse! We know they're not smoking hams in there, am I right? wink. Anyway, Dawn and Mary Anne are raking the yard when who should pull up in his CA casual Chevy but... Travis. Uh, speaking of drunken obsessed stalkers, how the hell did he know to find her there? Anyway, Dawn tells him it's nice that his parents let him borrow their car. He responds (ick alert!) "Borrow it? She's all mine. I can drive her whenever I want." Say it with me- ewwwww! But, on a literary level, it's interesting how he thinks of his car and Dawn the same way, am I right? Oh and guess what? Travis chews sugarless gum- if that doesn't scream health nut, I don't know what does. If by "health nut" we mean people who don't care about artificial sweeteners and carcinogens, that is. Travis pauses in talking (bragging) about himself (his awesomeness) only to give Dawn a highly inappropriate gift of a necklace and hair combs that are blue... you know, just like her eyes? And the ocean? I never realized Dawn had so much in common with those Wakefield twins. The inappropriate train has just left the station, folks! Next, Travis tells Dawn to wear her hair differently and critically asks her when the last time is that she had it cut. He wants her to lose 3 or 4 inches, so she can get more lift. I'm sorry, when is the last time you heard a 16 year-old guy talk like that, not counting reality shows about beauty salons? This whole conversation isn't so much creepy as wholly unrealistic. What does Dawn do but run up and have Mary Anne cut her hair? Of course. Gag.
Chapter Five: Jessi babysitting chapter. Blah blah the Hobarts are Australian, blah blah, people in Stoneybrook were curious about them because I guess when you live in the Stepford enclave of bland whiteness that is Stoneybrook, anything "different" is a curiosity. I'm surprised they don't keep the Kishis, the Ramseys, and the Hobarts in cages down at city hall or something...
Chapters Six and Seven: Dawn never eats ice cream. She prefers frozen yogurt and Tofutti. Actually, I love Tofutti Cuties- they are the best ice cream sandwiches. I'll give her a pass on this one. But the best non-dairy ice cream by far is made from coconut milk... droool. I digress. Stalker, I mean Travis, pulls up to her as she's walking home with her friends, and asks if he wants to go shopping with him. Stacey practically stabs Dawn as she urges her forward. (Chill, Stacey!) Guess what color shirt Travis is wearing? That's right, blue! Like the ocean! Goes with blond hair! I stab myself in the eye! Travis takes her to Burger Bite, and insists on ordering for the two of them. Dawn doesn't even get up the nerve to tell him that she doesn't eat meat. And doesn't like it when people order for her. Oy. They eat, Travis talks incessantly about himself, Dawn fawns. It's really sad. Then, Travis takes her to the Merry-Go-Round and says, get this, "I saw some pierced earrings in her that would look great on you." BWAH! Who in real life specifies pierced earrings? And also? He's a boy. And also? He's 16. As Claudia would say, Oh Lord. He then peer pressures Dawn to get a third hole pierced in her ear. Right then and there. Because all the girls in California wear them that way.
ALL of them? Dawn rightfully panics. Travis gets annoyed. Here we have the start of a beautiful, abusive relationship. And Dawn gets home to an upset Richard and Sharon, who are rightfully horrified that she's running around with some strange 16 year-old in a car. A 16 year-old with a weird fashion and haircare fetish, but I digress. She acts all huffy and emo to them, and then bitches Mary Anne out for telling them where she was. They all eat dinner in silence. Scene.
Chapter Eight: It's a babysitting chapter. A KRISTY babysitting chapter. A KRISTY babysitting KAREN chapter. You'll all forgive me for skipping over this, no?
Chapter Nine: Oh jeebus, more babysitting. Dawn is at the Hobarts' house. Blah blah blah, we all learn a very important lesson about peer pressure, self-confidence, and being yourself. All but Dawn, that is.
Chapter Ten: Kristy lets slip at a BSC meeting that there's this total red-head hottie at the high school about whom Travis is crazy and who Travis has been dating for weeks. Dawn is stunned. She can't stop thinking about it. She doesn't know why Travis could pay so much attention to her if he was also going out with this other chick. Who, by the way, is wearing a flight suit! Hahahhahahahaa.
Can't. Stop. Laughing. HOTT. So, Dawn decides, naturally, to follow them. Very California casual, Dawn.
Chapter Eleven: Is pretty sad. Dawn follows Travis and mystery flight suit (!!) girl as they go to all the places he took Dawn to. Burger Bite (yes he orders for them), and the Merry-Go-Round. What is it with this guy and accessories? Then, after hanging out browsing earrings for a freakishly long time, they sit down and proceed to make out. Dawn is crushed. She shares this at the next BSC meeting, and they take her side, while gently pointing out that she and Travis were never officially going out. What they had was just... some stalking and mental abuse... I guess. Mary Anne pipes in that she knows the perfect guy for Dawn- Logan's cousin, Lewis. Jeebus- Logan, Lewis, Travis- it's like a banjo convention here. Dawn is not interested.
Chapter Twelve: Babysitting chapter! Jessi, the Hobarts, blah. The only pertinent line to the story is when Jessi says "I can't stop thinking about James and the way he let himself be controlled by Zach. I hate to say it, Dawn, but it made me think of you and Travis." You go, Jessi!
Chapter Thirteen: Dawn follows Travis and Sara (that's Flighty McSuit's name) AGAIN. They go to the Merry-Go-Round AGAIN. Jeez, people! Aren't there any Australians or black people to ogle somewhere or anything more interesting for you all to do? Her plan is to confront them. When she does, they just mock her and Sara calls her a "little girl" and tells Travis that he's turned her into a real beauty. What is this, Real World Makeovers? The hell? Burn.
Chapter Fourteen: Dawn calls Travis to, uh, break up with him I guess? Even though they weren't going out? If Travis weren't such a douchebag, I'd actually feel bad for him here. As it stands, I don't know how to feel. This whole book makes no sense. Dawn's getting her own back, I guess, and that's good, I guess. And, she gets a letter in the mail from Lewis. Because whereas Dawn is a drunken obsessed stalker, Mary Anne is a meddling matchmaker. Good times.
Chapter Fifteen: Dawn <3s Lewis! Yeah, I don't know where this came from either. From his letters, she can tell that he's just awesome. And what's more, sniff, she can be herself around him. Sniff. The whole chapter is their letters back and forth, and how they're planning to spend a lot of time together when he comes to Stoneybrook from Louisville to visit Logan. Casual, Dawn, very casual.