#2 Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls (Covers - Chapter 5)
Alright! It's time for my second snark. As I've said in my previous post, I'll be doing the first ten books in order before going for what people voted for in my Dreamwidth post.
Claudia was my favorite when I was younger. I'm also an artist, and at the time I was slipping in my academics as well, so Claudia was a bit of a comfort character for me. I grew older and read more BSC books, I realized how much of a dumbshit Claudia is. You see, I started to identify with Janine more, as I'm good at Math and Science, I had to use the computer a lot for studies, and I'm a socially awkward bookworm loner with few friends too. After Claudia and Mean Janine, Claudia gradually shifted from my favorite to my least hated character.
Let's get on with #2, Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls.
COVERS
Here's the first cover, the one with baby Kirsten Dunst:
Claudia's sweater is appropriately quirky, but she looks more exasperated with the phone calls than scared. At least she looks 12.
Here's the second cover by Hodges:
This time Claudia actually looks like she's wondering who the caller is. Unfortunately the kid Claudia's holding seems to be struck by Hodges' disease and looks like a 35 year-old woman's head on a toddler's body.
Here's the UK cover:
Claudia uncomfortably reminds me of Junji Ito's Tomie. Maybe that's why Claudia's boyfriends always disappear after one book.
CHAPTER ONE
The book opens with a variation of “It was a dark and stormy night” as Claudia curls up with The Phantom of Pine Hill (which is not that spooky) and some licorice whips. Licorice is a disgusting candy with a very unappetizing color. Then again we have sour tamarind hard candy so who am I to judge?
Claudia's got her eye on brooding poet Trevor Sandbourne. The name Trevor always makes me think of either stoner skater boys or Trevor from GTA V. Claudia mentions her homework deal with her parents, which segues into a paragraph of exposition about the BSC.
I disagree with Claudia on homework. I think it helps you recall the lesson and practice what you've learned. Then again American schools are heavily standardized. I can see how school can make you hate reading. All we have for required reading are two fantasy classics and social commentary on the Spanish occupation of the Philippines, which is fine by me if it means not dealing with that dipshit Holden Caulfield.
I used to think Claudia had dyslexia because of her frequent typos. I was proven wrong, but I feel like AMM just missed a potentially interesting character trait that would add to the differences between her and Janine, plus it makes a good plot.
Book #455, Claudia and the Words
Tagline: Claudia always thought she was just stupid, but turns out, she's just special.
Claudia learns about dyslexia and decides to go see a doctor about her own problems with spelling and words, and sure enough, she's diagnosed with both dyslexia and dyscalculia. Her parents were denying it for so long just because they couldn't handle with the fact that their kid could have a disorder of any kind. That attitude led to Claudia thinking she was just hopelessly stupid. In an interesting plot twist, Janine reveals that she's also dyslexic. She loves math because she can understand numbers, and she loves using big words because she wants to prove that just because she can't spell it doesn't mean she doesn't know what it means. Janine went to the doctor without telling her parents, a moment of rebellion that shocks Claudia. This leads to the Kishis admitting their mistakes and a closer bond between the sisters.
Then again, AMM and the ghosties would probably fuck it up somehow.
Claudia mentions that Janine's IQ , 196, is past the requirement for genius, while her own is also above average. From the way she acts in the later books, I feel like it went a whole lot lower. Because of her high IQ and Janine, everyone expects her to be just as amazing. Because of that, Claudia feels unmotivated to do well since she can never live up to Janine. This is a way better reason than the later books' “Claudia just doesn't give a crap”.
Claudia complains about the rant that Janine went on about people regulating the temperature around them instead regulating their own, when it's easier to just put on a sweater than install a heater. It's actually really interesting. I think I'll steal it for my STEM discussions in school.
Another Janine rant and Claudia goes over her homework with Mimi (!). Have I mentioned I love Mimi? She's so sweet and is the only truly good parental figure in the BSC-verse. Claudia and the Sad Goodbye managed to wrench tears out of my normally apathetic soul.
Only Mimi knows about her Nancy Drew obsession. The rest of her family wants her to read something more stimulating. I'm surprised they aren't content with her reading anything at all. Mimi brings up the topic of Halloween and Claudia thinks she's too old to go trick-or-treating. Hey, whoa. Trick-or-treating isn't really a thing in the Philippines, but in America, I'm pretty sure there is no real age limit when it comes to trick-or-treating. Plus, you're still twelve! Enjoy this while you can!
Claudia decides to hand out candy with Mimi and gets excited about dressing up, which leads to an outfit description! I've drawn it here:
Claudia wants to be a Smurf. Don't. I've seen some pretty disturbing attempts at a Smurf costume. Also, I've noticed that she didn't say which Smurf. I think while Painter Smurf is what she would go for, from her “I'm not conceited, it's true” attitude later in the books, she'd probably be Pretentious Smurf. I scrolled through a long list of Smurf names to find that Smurf. Mary Anne would totally be Passive-Aggressive Smurf.
Claudia decides to work on her portrait of Mimi. I remember when Claudia kept the painting as a memory of Mimi and I get a pang of sadness. Claudia asks Mimi about life in Japan. Mimi mentions that she and her sister were good friends. Claudia asks why she and Janine aren't friends too. Mimi gives her advice that Claudia will forget for the rest of the series: “Being friends takes work. To be a good friend you must spend time with someone. You must talk to her and try to understand her.”
Claudia replies that Janine is impossible to talk to and she never has time for her. Mimi counters by asking if she has time for Janine, and Claudia admits, “Not very often.” Mimi says one day they'll be friends. It's sad that Mimi can never witness that day.
The portrait is finished and Claudia thinks back to brooding poet Trevor. From the way Claud describes him, I can only picture some emo boy who writes pretentious poetry inspired by Edgar Allan Poe. Maybe if the BSC managed to run til the late 90s...
(I hate myself for drawing this)
The phone rings and Claudia hopes it's Trevor. Close enough. It's her female love interest, Stacey McGill, who's thinking of Sam. Stacey and Claudia sigh and swoon over Emo Boy and Math Geek Who I Now Headcanon As Janine's Math Nerd Friend From The First Book. Stacey asks if any calls for the BSC came in, foreshadowing how any conversation between the girls will be about their charges and only their charges. Stacey and Claudia decide to hang out with the other girls on Saturday.
CHAPTER TWO
They get together and just sit on the lawn because they can't do anything. Ah, days before the internet. Being a 2000s kid, I have never lived in those days. If this was set in modern day they could've been watching shitty videos on Youtube.
Kristy suggests looking at antique toys and Claudia and Stacey roll their eyes. A) Rude, and B) antique toys could potentially be cool! Didn't you read Clue in the Old Album, Claudia? The dolls described in that book almost made me want to go collecting.
MA suggests going to some cookie place, but remembers Stacey and drops it. Diabetics can still have sugar, AMM. Just not too much. Claudia suggests renting a movie for her VCR. Ah, days before Netflix. Sadly, the VCR is broken. So Claudia decides to talk about that sweet piece of ass, goth prince Trevor Sandbourne.
Kristy actually has a class with Trevor, who sits next to Alan Gray. Hey, it's the first recurring boy in the BSC-verse! Wasn't he built up to be someone's love interest before he went from “class clown” to “dickhead”?
They reminisce about the time Kristy pranked him by having Alan steal a fake lunch filled with dead spiders and mud pies. Now Alan just keeps messing with Kristy because he wants to protect his reputation. This segues back to Trevor and Claudia daydreams about him. I assume she's thinking, “He wears eyeliner, and I do too! We have so much in common!”
Her reverie is broken by a yell of “Aughhh!” MA found something in the paper. “Angry Pig Goes Hog Wild” and “Depressed Truck Drives Self Crazy” are what Kristy and Stacey see first. Is this what passes for news in Stoneybrook? Wait, what if both events are secretly related?
The pig ran out into the street onto the path of an incoming truck. There was fatal collision that killed both. It was later found that the driver, Paul Burton, was suicidal, and it is assumed that the pig was the same. Police suspect that this was a planned suicide pact between the two. More as it develops.
What MA screamed at was a headline reading, “Phantom Caller On Rampage In Mercer”. Does Stoneybrook really have no news at all that they report stories from a different neighborhood, twenty miles away?
There's a thief on the loose whose M.O. is to make calls to houses before he robs them. That's not very smart. I'm pretty sure at least someone who knows his M.O. would report him and the police would trace the call.
Stacey acts like it's no big deal because she's from New York and she's seen worse. I get it, New York is the best place in the world and nothing can ever compare to the wonders of New York. Not even the crime.
MA freaks out because apparently sometimes the thief steals from the houses while people are still in it, which is also dumb. Claudia remembers that someone called the Marshalls' twice during her sitting job, and Kristy holds an emergency BSC meeting.
CHAPTER THREE
It opens with Kristy moaning. How are they supposed to babysit when a burglar with a horrible and stupid M.O. is on the loose in a neighborhood twenty miles away? Stacey points this out to reassure everyone. She continues on a string of common sense that I nod at until she suggests a secret code over the phone.
If the burglar's in the house and threatening the babysitter with a kitchen knife, the girl is supposed to call another member and say “Have you seen my red ribbon?” This signals the receiver to call the police. Y'know, instead of calling the police directly. I don't think the burglar really cares who you're calling while he's stabbing you. The police definitely would once they've found the bodies. Bam! You're a witness now. Have fun in court.
Wait, there's more: what if the burglar is listening in through an extension? Why would a burglar want to listen in on a preteen girl's call in the first place? When a burglar sees a babysitter on the phone, he wouldn't instantly think “Oh shit! I'd better listen in and make sure she's not talking to the cops.” He'd think “Now's my chance to escape! Girls take forever on the phone!”
Claudia mentions that it happened in a horror movie called “The Night of the Weird”, which is one of the most generic-ass horror movie names I have ever heard of. What happens if the girls don't know where the caller is? They remember the record book, which segues into a paragraph of exposition about how the BSC works.
Then they move on and plan burglar alarms. MA suggests stacking tin cans in front of a door or window so you could hear the burglar. Where the cans will come from, we'll never know. I don't think a parent would appreciate you rooting through the trash and stacking garbage next to every window because of a burglar TWENTY MILES AWAY.
Kristy suggests a smell alert where you put garbage outside the house where the burglar can step on it, so you smell him before you see him. Claudia gets unnecessarily politically correct by saying that the burglar could be a woman too. I don't see what this has to do with burglars stepping in trash. Is Kristy saying that because the burglar's a dude, he'll see the trash and go “Oh goody!” and just start stomping on that sweet compost?
They decide on the answer to the code question being “No, the blue one”. That...doesn't sound right to me. “Have you found my red ribbon?” “No, the blue one.” The nitpicky English student in me wants to add an “only” in between “No” and “blue”.
If the sitter is sure the burglar is around, she'll reply “Now I'm in for it”, and if not, she says “That's okay”. They practice the code and everyone can't do it right. Y'know, this would all be solved if you just, I don't know, drop the code and call 911 and say “THERE'S A BURGLAR IN THE HOUSE AND HE'S THREATENING ME WITH A STEAK KNIFE!”
And the kicker? They decide to not tell the adults. Girls, I understand not worrying your parents. But if a burglar could potentially harm you and you don't feel safe, tell your fucking parents. I can't believe the Stoneybrook policy of “don't tell adults because they are useless” existed so early in the series.
CHAPTER FOUR
Trevor's leather wrapped ass has been sighted by Claudia Kishi. She attempts to go in for the kill but ends up crashing into Alan Gray. Claudia's hair seems to be afflicted with rat king. Alan catches on to it and taunts Claud about her crush. I miss class clown Alan.
Claud starts daydreaming about Trevor. I wonder why Claud thinks Trevor would like her if she doesn't understand poetry and can't even spell the word. The daydream's about her losing her virginity to Trevor in a closet they found in a maze during a school trip.
The daydream is broken because Claudia needs to pass her homework. Apparently she's confusing whole numbers and even numbers. Okay, that was a problem for me too, but that was when I was eight. Claudia's old enough to know better. See how much better Claudia would've been had she had dyscalculia? Nah, that would be an insult to people who do have it.
Claudia's also reading a poem called The Pond and she has to find a deeper meaning behind it. I never really liked those assignments. When my class had to do it in 9th grade, it took our whole group until the day before the due date to come up with something, and we were just paraphrasing the lines anyway. Claudia also can't spell October. I wonder why she was only sent back to 7th grade later on when she should've clearly been sent back to daycare.
It's lunch time, and Claudia would've snuck into the line next to Stacey had it not been for Alex Kurtzman, this kid who goes to school in a suit and tie with a briefcase for a bag. He sounds interesting. I wish he was in more books.
Book #811, Kristy vs. Kurtzman
Tagline: Who do you vote for?
Kristy's running for the SMS student elections. It seems that she's got this in the bag, since she already managed to brainwash the town of Stoneybrook. However, Alex Kurtzman comes back to Stoneybrook after a summer internship and is running too! Alex has a briefcase and a suit and tie, plus professional experience managing many people his age! It's up to Kristy to spike his water cooler with BSC Kool-aid before it's too late!
A rare sighting of the non-BSC friends known as the Shillaber twins, who will be killed off once Kristy gets fully possessed by the spirit of the BSCult. Apparently bringing lunch from home is babyish. Claudia, what would you eat: a sandwich you made at home out of what you have in the fridge, or a sandwich from the school made out of mystery meat and heavily processed bread?
We get a parade of characters, starting with Dorianne Wallingford, Emily Bernstein, Howie Johnson, Pete “Bra-Strap” Black, and Rick Chow. Can I just bring up something weird? Stoneybrook is supposedly racist to whoever isn't white, but they don't seem to have much problem with East Asians, except that one family in the racism book. So Stoneybrook can have Rick Chow and Claudia Kishi but they can't handle Jessi Ramsey? I knew Jessi was just exaggerating things and playing victim!
Dori's grandparents, Nana and Cramps (...Cramps?) were robbed the night before by...the Phantom Caller! For some reason Dori gives a dramatic pause. The Caller's at New Hope (*Star Wars theme blares*) and Claudia is reassured. The boys launch food at Emily's sweater and the girls go off to clean it up. The girls know about Claudia's crush on Trevor and Claudia instantly gets bitchy because she thinks Kristy told everyone. Kristy didn't, and no one knows who. Maybe it's just a painfully obvious crush. But no, this is a mystery book so everything has to be a mystery.
The principal announces that it's time for the Halloween Hop and Claudia thinks of Trevor and his tight leather pants. She sighs. Trevor doesn't even know she's alive. I think he'd notice the girl who follows him to class while staring at his ass, Claud.
CHAPTER FIVE
Hi-hi! It's a babysitting chapter about Jamie Newton. Mrs. Newton compliments Claudia's teddy bear barettes (soooo sophisticated) and Mrs. Newton says she'll get a pair...for the baby. HA! Mrs. Newton says she's hoping it's a G-I-R-L. Claudia doesn't know what that spells, so she just smiles and nods.
Claudia's working on her still life painting of an egg, a checkered napkin, a wooden spoon, and a pitcher. For some reason Mrs. Newton thinks the egg is the hardest part. Ma'am, drawing an egg is just doing an oval with only three colors (main color, shadow, highlight). That is literally the opposite of the hardest part.
Mrs. Newton leaves and Claudia is still nervous about the Caller. TWENTY MILES AWAY, CLAUDIA. While Claudia and Jamie play in the backyard, a light goes on in the house. Then the phone rings. Jamie thinks it's his dad. Silly Jamie, don't you know fathers in Stoneybrook are almost nonexistent? They hear noises and go to see who's behind it. They peek through the fence and an eye peeks through the same hole.
AAAAAAAAGGHH! They scream. Turns out, it was just Kristy leaving a casserole at the Newton's. Wait, it's Kristy. AAAAAAAAGGHH!
Kristy explains the light and the noises, but not the phone. Jamie still thinks it's his dad. Jamie, all fathers in Stoneybrook are off in Stamford all working for the same law firm. I wouldn't count on that.
I'll leave it off here. Thanks for reading my snarks!