Starring the Baby-sitters Club! Part 3!
Well, after a pretty good streak of normalcy, I went and fucked up my sleep schedule. I slept until 5:30 pm (and missed Animal Crossing events) and after touring Tumblr I came to snark. And so far this book is a breeze! It's pretty fun tearing into the BSC when they're acting stupid rather than bitchy. Stupidity is so much easier to handle than their usual shenanigans. It's nice to read about them being dumb rather than bullies. I should have snarked this ages ago! Well, let's go!
Part 1! Part 2!
-Song of the Day!-
Chapter 11! Logan!
Logan starts off by lamenting the fact that he's playing a pirate named Noodler. He says all the other pirates have fairly normal names but his is goofy. He says he doesn't mind too much, he's just happy to be in the play. He also says most of his friends are involved with it and uh, yeah. They make up like 98% of the cast and crew. Logan says the problem with him getting thrown out of the play started because there wasn't much for the pirates to do because they're only in two scenes. He talks about how Mallory had to take his measurements but made him do it himself then made a big show of writing it down. I always thought this was peak loser behavior on Mal's part. It's part of having a vivid imagination.
On Monday's rehearsal, Logan and Alan are fooling round with a pretend sword fight when Alan says Mr Cheney probably won't get around to working on their scenes because Dawn's being stupid. Alan says Dawn had better be careful because Mr Cheney will give her part to her understudy. Which is what should have happened. How hard would it be for him to say 'Exactly how bad do you want to be in this play, Schafer?' Logan sees Mary Anne working with Jackie and thinks 'Uggum buggum! Me make girl funny!' and he and the other boys dress in pirate accessories and have a sword fight. Mary Anne runs up to him and tells him to knock it off. Logan responds by shouting about the pirates going on mutiny. Everyone stops what they're doing and Mr Cheney comes backstage demanding to know who did that. Alan rats out Logan and Mr Cheney tells Logan he's setting a bad example and kicks him out of the play. Tragic.
Chapter 12! Kristy!
This chapter is really boring. The first part is just the end of the last one. Mr Cheney tells Dawn and K Ron to go rehearse by themselves and calls Cokie to rehearse. K Ron and Dawn sit down together and K Ron tells Dawn to stop changing the lines because she's having a hard enough time memorizing her own. Dawn promises not to but yo know she was thinking 'Bitch. Don't tell me not to get on my soapbox.' K Ron struggles to learn her lines and laments about Cokie doing so well. Dawn asks her how she knows that and K Ron says she's listening to her. Dawn tells her to pay attention and no wonder she's having trouble.
At the end of the rehearsal, K Ron sees Logan go up to talk to Mr Cheney. She hangs around to eavesdrop and Logan asks for a second chance. Mr Cheney agrees on a probationary basis. When Logan goes off, Cokie comes up to talk to Mr Cheney. K Ron, being a nosy bitch, sticks around to see what she has to say. Cokie asks Mr Cheney for a private dressing room because children are annoying. Gotta agree with her there. Mr Cheney says of course not and when Cokie leaves, K Ron comes up to her. She says she knows a room she can use and shows her a mop closet. Cokie gets mad but two days later she's asked the janitor to use his room. Um, exactly how big is this closet? How is she gonna set up a dressing room in there? Again we have an instance of Ann being unable to think in three dimensions.
Chapter 13! Jackie!
I just want to point out that of course Jackie has chapter 13. Classic Ann subtlety. Jackie is also a much better speller than Claudia to the surprise of no one. Jackie says that Mr Cheney says their production is serious biddnus but I beg to differ. Mainly because they can't afford flying wires. Mr Cheney says it's because it's too dangerous but we all know the staff blew their budget on dances and chronic. Jackie talks about MA helping him out which is nice when MA is an actual nice person. He says the only bad thing she's done is not tell him about the crocodile...
At rehearsal, MA tells Jackie they have a surprise, the costumes have arrived. It's been like two weeks tops and they have all the costumes made? With only two people working on them?
They rehearse the scene where Peter teaches them to fly and the thought of these bozos running around stage with their arms outstretched singing 'I'm flying!' makes me just about burst with laughter. This play is so dollar store cheese puffs. Michael is the last Darling child to learn to fly and Jackie gets a good idea. He climbs to the top of a giant box and prepares to jump. Mr Cheney catches him before he can and asks him what the Hell was he thinking. Jackie says he was trying to make his flying look realistic and Mr Cheney says he nearly killed himself. Jackie and Karen beg for wires and Mr Cheney tells them to zip it. Uh, yeah Mr C, you could of used that backbone when Karen was throwing a tantrum at auditions.
After rehearsal, Mr Cheney gathers everyone around to get their costumes. Jackie isn't pleased that his nightshirt looks like something his mom would wear. Give him a few years and he won't like that it's what Snape wears to sleep. Mary Anne makes him put it on anyways and says he looks great in it. Jackie starts screaming because he says he saw a monster. He shows it to Mary Anne and she says that it's just Pete in the crocodile costume. Think how easy this would be in the late 90s when Steve Irwin was a thing. Jackie is scared of the costume and Mary Anne tells him he'll be acting with it from now on. That's trouble a-brewing.
Chapter 14! Jessi!
Jessi's entry is so hilarious I had to include it in its entirety-'I have to help everyone. Everyone. I don't know how this play would get produced without me. Kristy doesn’t know her lines yet. We’ve all been coaching her. And she still forgets. Mallory is always asking me for costuming advice. And of course, there’s my work with the little kids. My choreography. Now I see the real reason Mr. Cheney didn’t cast me as Peter Pan. He needed an assistant producer. But if that’s true, then explain to me what happened when the kid from the print shop came to rehearsal today with the copy for the play program. Doesn’t anyone appreciate me?'
Jessi is at rehearsal helping the Lost Boys through a dance, not assistant producing, and David M keeps falling. She tells them to take a break and calls up the Indians. Kerry Bruno comes up to her and says she's wants to be glamorous like Cokie. Somehow Cokie doesn't come screeching up to Logan about 'Your sister thinks I'm glamorous! Don't you want to date me now?!' Kerry says she wants to be an Indian princess and Jessi actually tells her to talk to Mr Cheney about it. Ramsey, you moron! Kerry isn't Karen! She's not gonna get special treatment for being a demanding little brat! What an idiot! Logan tells Kerry to do no such thing and Kerry pouts.
At the end of rehearsal, Mr Cheney gathers everyone around and Jessi, having caught stupid delusions from Mal, thinks he's gonna announce that Jessi is now Peter Pan. And her little daydream is so moronic I have to include it too.
'he would take the two of us aside. Then, privately, he would break the news.
“Kristy,” he would say, “I’ve been working with you for several weeks now and, well, simply put, you are not learning your lines fast enough. I’m getting worried about opening night. I’m not sure you’ll be prepared. So I’ve decided to replace you.”
“With my understudy?” Kristy would ask.
“No, with Jessi Ramsey, the person I should have cast as Peter Pan in the first place. Kristy, please turn in your costume.”'
But of course that's not what happens. Instead Mr Cheney tells them that the sample program has been printed and he wants everyone to check it out to make sure everything is correct. The kids line up to read it and Kerry is in front of Jessi. When she sees her role as Indian, she asks Jessi if she can change it to Indian princess. Jessi tells her someone will just change it back and Kerry is like boo-urns. Jessi checks for her own name and sees that she's labeled as assistant choreographer. She whines delightfully ('Was that all Mr. Cheney thought I did? Hadn’t he seen me coaching some of the kids? Hadn’t he seen Mallory asking me for advice? I came to each and every rehearsal, and I worked hard') and thinks about changing it or talking to Mr Cheney but in the end just crosses her name out. Mr Cheney is right there and asked her why she did that. She stutters a bit and he tells her he knows she disappointed but she really sucked at singing and acting so he gave it to K Ron. Jessi thinks why doesn't he make me assistant producer and God, give it a rest, Ramsey. I keep thinking about how Fry's girlfriend told him to keep whining because it's so attractive.
Chapter 15! Stacey!
One week till opening night, and Stacey is nervous because everyone is still making mistakes. Stacey also says she's embarrassed acting with Sam and calling him father and dear. And Sam's been playing a fool, chasing her around and calling her dearest and shit. As they're waiting for their cue, Sam is playing around calling her darling Mrs Darling and throwing his arms around her. She tells him to cut it out and pay attention. When it's time for her to go onstage and sing with Dawn, Mr Cheney keeps yelling 'Sing out, Louise!' which flusters them. And again, I have a hard time believing Dawn isn't loud. But I may be going by her tv counterpart who's pretty abrasive.
Stacey exits the stage and Sam plays around with her some more and when he spots a friend of his, they both start in on the darling Mrs Darling mother darling. Stacey tells Sam she wants to watch the play and he stops. Dawn starts talking about teaching Peter to iron and Mr Cheney yells at her. K Ron forgets a line and Karen yells about Tinkerbell to the rescue and Mr Cheney tells her not to do that. The rest of the scene goes by without incident. When act II starts, Jackie has a panic attack about the crocodile and Sam tells Stacey their youngest has a problem. She explodes bitch juice all over him and tells him to leave her alone.
Part 1! Part 2!
-Song of the Day!-
Chapter 11! Logan!
Logan starts off by lamenting the fact that he's playing a pirate named Noodler. He says all the other pirates have fairly normal names but his is goofy. He says he doesn't mind too much, he's just happy to be in the play. He also says most of his friends are involved with it and uh, yeah. They make up like 98% of the cast and crew. Logan says the problem with him getting thrown out of the play started because there wasn't much for the pirates to do because they're only in two scenes. He talks about how Mallory had to take his measurements but made him do it himself then made a big show of writing it down. I always thought this was peak loser behavior on Mal's part. It's part of having a vivid imagination.
On Monday's rehearsal, Logan and Alan are fooling round with a pretend sword fight when Alan says Mr Cheney probably won't get around to working on their scenes because Dawn's being stupid. Alan says Dawn had better be careful because Mr Cheney will give her part to her understudy. Which is what should have happened. How hard would it be for him to say 'Exactly how bad do you want to be in this play, Schafer?' Logan sees Mary Anne working with Jackie and thinks 'Uggum buggum! Me make girl funny!' and he and the other boys dress in pirate accessories and have a sword fight. Mary Anne runs up to him and tells him to knock it off. Logan responds by shouting about the pirates going on mutiny. Everyone stops what they're doing and Mr Cheney comes backstage demanding to know who did that. Alan rats out Logan and Mr Cheney tells Logan he's setting a bad example and kicks him out of the play. Tragic.
Chapter 12! Kristy!
This chapter is really boring. The first part is just the end of the last one. Mr Cheney tells Dawn and K Ron to go rehearse by themselves and calls Cokie to rehearse. K Ron and Dawn sit down together and K Ron tells Dawn to stop changing the lines because she's having a hard enough time memorizing her own. Dawn promises not to but yo know she was thinking 'Bitch. Don't tell me not to get on my soapbox.' K Ron struggles to learn her lines and laments about Cokie doing so well. Dawn asks her how she knows that and K Ron says she's listening to her. Dawn tells her to pay attention and no wonder she's having trouble.
At the end of the rehearsal, K Ron sees Logan go up to talk to Mr Cheney. She hangs around to eavesdrop and Logan asks for a second chance. Mr Cheney agrees on a probationary basis. When Logan goes off, Cokie comes up to talk to Mr Cheney. K Ron, being a nosy bitch, sticks around to see what she has to say. Cokie asks Mr Cheney for a private dressing room because children are annoying. Gotta agree with her there. Mr Cheney says of course not and when Cokie leaves, K Ron comes up to her. She says she knows a room she can use and shows her a mop closet. Cokie gets mad but two days later she's asked the janitor to use his room. Um, exactly how big is this closet? How is she gonna set up a dressing room in there? Again we have an instance of Ann being unable to think in three dimensions.
Chapter 13! Jackie!
I just want to point out that of course Jackie has chapter 13. Classic Ann subtlety. Jackie is also a much better speller than Claudia to the surprise of no one. Jackie says that Mr Cheney says their production is serious biddnus but I beg to differ. Mainly because they can't afford flying wires. Mr Cheney says it's because it's too dangerous but we all know the staff blew their budget on dances and chronic. Jackie talks about MA helping him out which is nice when MA is an actual nice person. He says the only bad thing she's done is not tell him about the crocodile...
At rehearsal, MA tells Jackie they have a surprise, the costumes have arrived. It's been like two weeks tops and they have all the costumes made? With only two people working on them?
They rehearse the scene where Peter teaches them to fly and the thought of these bozos running around stage with their arms outstretched singing 'I'm flying!' makes me just about burst with laughter. This play is so dollar store cheese puffs. Michael is the last Darling child to learn to fly and Jackie gets a good idea. He climbs to the top of a giant box and prepares to jump. Mr Cheney catches him before he can and asks him what the Hell was he thinking. Jackie says he was trying to make his flying look realistic and Mr Cheney says he nearly killed himself. Jackie and Karen beg for wires and Mr Cheney tells them to zip it. Uh, yeah Mr C, you could of used that backbone when Karen was throwing a tantrum at auditions.
After rehearsal, Mr Cheney gathers everyone around to get their costumes. Jackie isn't pleased that his nightshirt looks like something his mom would wear. Give him a few years and he won't like that it's what Snape wears to sleep. Mary Anne makes him put it on anyways and says he looks great in it. Jackie starts screaming because he says he saw a monster. He shows it to Mary Anne and she says that it's just Pete in the crocodile costume. Think how easy this would be in the late 90s when Steve Irwin was a thing. Jackie is scared of the costume and Mary Anne tells him he'll be acting with it from now on. That's trouble a-brewing.
Chapter 14! Jessi!
Jessi's entry is so hilarious I had to include it in its entirety-'I have to help everyone. Everyone. I don't know how this play would get produced without me. Kristy doesn’t know her lines yet. We’ve all been coaching her. And she still forgets. Mallory is always asking me for costuming advice. And of course, there’s my work with the little kids. My choreography. Now I see the real reason Mr. Cheney didn’t cast me as Peter Pan. He needed an assistant producer. But if that’s true, then explain to me what happened when the kid from the print shop came to rehearsal today with the copy for the play program. Doesn’t anyone appreciate me?'
Jessi is at rehearsal helping the Lost Boys through a dance, not assistant producing, and David M keeps falling. She tells them to take a break and calls up the Indians. Kerry Bruno comes up to her and says she's wants to be glamorous like Cokie. Somehow Cokie doesn't come screeching up to Logan about 'Your sister thinks I'm glamorous! Don't you want to date me now?!' Kerry says she wants to be an Indian princess and Jessi actually tells her to talk to Mr Cheney about it. Ramsey, you moron! Kerry isn't Karen! She's not gonna get special treatment for being a demanding little brat! What an idiot! Logan tells Kerry to do no such thing and Kerry pouts.
At the end of rehearsal, Mr Cheney gathers everyone around and Jessi, having caught stupid delusions from Mal, thinks he's gonna announce that Jessi is now Peter Pan. And her little daydream is so moronic I have to include it too.
'he would take the two of us aside. Then, privately, he would break the news.
“Kristy,” he would say, “I’ve been working with you for several weeks now and, well, simply put, you are not learning your lines fast enough. I’m getting worried about opening night. I’m not sure you’ll be prepared. So I’ve decided to replace you.”
“With my understudy?” Kristy would ask.
“No, with Jessi Ramsey, the person I should have cast as Peter Pan in the first place. Kristy, please turn in your costume.”'
But of course that's not what happens. Instead Mr Cheney tells them that the sample program has been printed and he wants everyone to check it out to make sure everything is correct. The kids line up to read it and Kerry is in front of Jessi. When she sees her role as Indian, she asks Jessi if she can change it to Indian princess. Jessi tells her someone will just change it back and Kerry is like boo-urns. Jessi checks for her own name and sees that she's labeled as assistant choreographer. She whines delightfully ('Was that all Mr. Cheney thought I did? Hadn’t he seen me coaching some of the kids? Hadn’t he seen Mallory asking me for advice? I came to each and every rehearsal, and I worked hard') and thinks about changing it or talking to Mr Cheney but in the end just crosses her name out. Mr Cheney is right there and asked her why she did that. She stutters a bit and he tells her he knows she disappointed but she really sucked at singing and acting so he gave it to K Ron. Jessi thinks why doesn't he make me assistant producer and God, give it a rest, Ramsey. I keep thinking about how Fry's girlfriend told him to keep whining because it's so attractive.
Chapter 15! Stacey!
One week till opening night, and Stacey is nervous because everyone is still making mistakes. Stacey also says she's embarrassed acting with Sam and calling him father and dear. And Sam's been playing a fool, chasing her around and calling her dearest and shit. As they're waiting for their cue, Sam is playing around calling her darling Mrs Darling and throwing his arms around her. She tells him to cut it out and pay attention. When it's time for her to go onstage and sing with Dawn, Mr Cheney keeps yelling 'Sing out, Louise!' which flusters them. And again, I have a hard time believing Dawn isn't loud. But I may be going by her tv counterpart who's pretty abrasive.
Stacey exits the stage and Sam plays around with her some more and when he spots a friend of his, they both start in on the darling Mrs Darling mother darling. Stacey tells Sam she wants to watch the play and he stops. Dawn starts talking about teaching Peter to iron and Mr Cheney yells at her. K Ron forgets a line and Karen yells about Tinkerbell to the rescue and Mr Cheney tells her not to do that. The rest of the scene goes by without incident. When act II starts, Jackie has a panic attack about the crocodile and Sam tells Stacey their youngest has a problem. She explodes bitch juice all over him and tells him to leave her alone.