Jessi and the Jewel Thieves, Part 3! THE END
Hello, everyone! I hope you all had a fun and safe Halloween! I am so sad that my favorite holiday is over, but I've decided to cheer myself up with the last of this snark!
Part 1:
http://bsc-snark.livejournal.com/690053.html
Part 2:
http://bsc-snark.livejournal.com/690671.html
Are you ready? I know I am.
Chapter 10
Here is the chapter that made me decide to snark this book! Get this fellow snarkersBthe chappie starts off with a notebook entry by Claudia, inexplicably calling Becca someone named "Becks" who was super happy and chipper and not at all like how Mal described her being. And then her parents showed up.
Isn=t this supposed to be Saturday? AKA not the day her parents come home? Oh, it gets better.
Jessi says, A I=m very thankful to Mary Anne for the way she handled Becca that day."
Okay, team, let's reeeeeeeeeeewind. Here's what's been happening on Ghostwriter.
Claudia makes a notebook entry referencing an unhappy Becca, but is pleasantly surprised by the happy kid she finds. (But is it "Becks" rather than "Becca?")
Jessi says she is so happy that Mary Anne knew what to do, while Mary Anne was not the author of the notebook entry.
???
Get a pencil and your casebook, are you ready for the reveal?
RED HERRING! I knew it was you!
No, just the editor or whoever (?) put the BSC entries in the incorrect order and spoiled us ALL.
In the real world, when the baby-sitting starts, it is Saturday, and Mary Anne is the one helping baby-sit, not Claudia, and "Becks" is still depressed.
Jessi likens her running about Central Park to the Pikes running in their backyard.
Yeah... that=s not the same at all...
All the Pikes are doing their own thing, and Vanessa is composing a little poem about spring and it=s actually pretty cute, but then she just smiles vaguely when complimented and I begin to worry about that kid again.
I don't think she=s getting enough to eat...
Mal tells Mary Anne that while Becca did eat that morning and isn=t crying, she=s still upset.
Mary Anne, in an act that is so much like how Mary Anne SHOULD be that it seems wrong, is kind, understanding, and sensitive, and goes to talk to her. Ellen deserves another gold star. This mystery may be boring as hell, but she's getting some things right. Sidenote: Has anyone ever noticed that while in the info dump they go on and ON about how "sensitive" Mary Anne is, but then in a huge portion of the books, she can be really catty, bitchy, and mean?
...Oh, to Ann and the ghosties, "sensitive" translates to "touchy." Got it.
When her tactics to cheer her up don=t work and Becca continues to mope, Mary Anne actually continues to be patient and sweet and pulls her into her lap. LIKE HOW Mary Anne SHOULD BE!
Becca declares she=s going to run away back to her house to wait until her parents come back. Mary Anne plays along, asking if she has a key. Becca decides she=s going to camp out in her backyard, and Mary Anne says she=ll help her get all of her stuff. This was actually pretty smart of Mary Anne since nothing else seemed to work to cheer Becca up.
Becca then kind of turns the tables and asks Mary Anne to join her in her Frances scheme.
So they get Dawn to sub for Mary Anne so she can be with Becca. When they get to her yard, Mary Anne just subtly says that they probably won=t be too cold and there shouldn=t be too many wild animals, and whispers to Becca that she=s kind of afraid to sleep outside all by themselves.
Becca is happy that Mary Anne feels the same way and decides to go back to the Pike=s on her own. Before they go back they sit and talk, and Mary Anne tells her about once when her dad left on a business trip and she was really lonely, which makes Becca feel better. The Pikes are really nice and pamper Becca and act super excited to see her when she comes back, which was nice of them. Mary Anne was actually her character trait! FIVE gold stars!
Chapter 11
Stacey is helping Jessi get sexed up for Quint=s ballet, and says that Quint will love it. Jessi reveals to us that she hadn=t exactly told Stacey of her plan to dump Quint=s ass.
Dayum girl, you=re just keeping all kinds of secrets, aren=t you? Is Stacey just a hotel to you? Open up.
She says she feels very private about the Talk with Quint. Oh, sweetie, who wouldn=t. You know he's going to be like,
backstage. You know.
She says she wants to focus on the performance and Quint=s dancing because it=s so important to him, and then she can talk to him because of course he=ll want to hear her opinion. (On the dancing. OMG Jessi, that sounded so snobbish. I get that you are a fellow dancer, but you come off so pretentious sometimes.)
Yeah, Jessi. This is one of the most important nights of his life, and you=re going to RUIN it by breaking up with him. Can't you find a better time and place for this nonsense? I=m not saying she can=t break up with him. I=m just saying she=s not doing it very well. The best thing might have been, when Quint invited her all those weeks ago, to say she didn't want to come, and then break up with him. Yeah, that may have been better.
Jessi lets us know that she=d deigned to check on Becca. How kind of her. Doesn=t sound like she SPOKE to her, but how can she be bothered? She=s about to have The Talk!
She goes over to the Walter=s apartment and feels awkward because they all fawn over her and she=s gonna dump their son=s ass. Understandable.
It gets worse when they all pile cutely in a cab and are elbowing each other and stuff and joking, and she can=t joke back because she feels awkward. Well, she=s kind of making it worse, man...
When they get to Lincoln Center, Jessi is swept up into the world of dance and goes on for two pages giving us a courtyard layout and the philosophy of dance.
She screeches the narrative to a halt with a "Whew I=m gettin philosophical, ain=t I?"
LOL Just kidding! Shut up already, Jessi.
Jessi is calm for about .5 seconds until she sees (or thinks she sees) the infamous RED stalking her at the ballet! She flips her shit so much even little Morgan notices. Then when the ballet starts, her OCD focus switches from jewel thieves to Quint being so good she=s hella jelly and wishes she could=ve gone to Julliard.
A little voice tells her at intermission to keep her little muffet glued to her tuffett, but does she listen to the little voice? No-o. She goes out into the lobby determined to find Red, but knows it=s a bad idea! And there was Red! And FRANK TOO, looking at her!
So like, what now dumb ass? After the performance Jessi joins Quint=s fam bam and is all fakely nice about his dancing, until he=s alone and then grabs him in a death grip and declares they are being stalked. Quint declares that she must come to his house tomorrow so they can do it nab the baddies in her last day in the Big Apple of her eye.
Then they have a moment where she says she wasn=t lying when she said he was good and he gets all AAw, shucks.@
Don=t make us ship it when you are trying to sink it!
Chapter 12
Jessi clearly decided to spend the night with a special someone as she wakes up to some sort of sound next to her...
But apparently it=s just Stacey, reading the New York Times. She tells Jessi that if she wants to be a true New Yorker she must uphold this Sunday tradition. Jessi asks for the comics and Stacey says it=s a SERIOUS paper, so no funnies, horoscopes, or Ann Landers.
Fuck you Stacey. She is such an obnoxious hipster.
Stacey has deemed that Jessi is allowed to play detective with Quint for the day. How generous of her. The bitch.
Jessi calls Becca (SHOCK!) and tells Stacey she=ll leave her dad some cashola to pay for how many long fucking long distance calls she made in A WEEKEND. But this is the only time she's calling her little sister, the one she SHOULD have been on the phone with this whole time. Sigh.
She tells Mall all the details of her case, then talks to Becca this time who is chipper but turns sad the minute Jessi comments she sounds like she=s having fun.
I hope Becca milks this for months and gets lots of goodies out of it from her hosebeast of a sister, her sucky parents, and her evil Aunt.
Quint decrees they shall scrounge in Frank and Red=s garbage to find clues.
That=s Jessi=s reaction, too, but she does it anyway. Just as they're knee deep in banana peels, Frank hails a cab, and so Quint and Jessi follow him! The cabbie thinks it's cute that they're playing cops and robbers, and breaks the speed limit to chase them. When they get out, the cabbie says he hopes they catch their baddie. Aw, Mr. Cabbie, get a gold star, you=re adorable.
They stalk Frank and Red who stop in front of a jewelry store and are discussing the jewels within, which must mean they're planning a robbery.
They don=t go in that store, but decide to go into a bigger and better one a few stores down. Quint and Jessi burst inside looking wild eyed, and the security guard escorts them out, because they are kids in a fine jewelry store, and Jessi is humiliated. Oh, good grief.
I can't, I can't... but I must go on. For all of you.
Chapter 13
Ah, this is the infamous chapter where it=s Mary Anne opening with a notebook entry, talking about Becca and how lonely she was feeling, and that Mary Anne helped her through it. This is great, but Mary Anne quotes Aa psychologist she heard on the radio@ and I lose it.
Turn the page and Jessi tells us Claudia is sitting for Becca and the three youngest Pikes while the Mr. and Mrs. run away for a moonlit concert in Stamford. Okay, fine, they are also bringing five of the kids, but still.
We would be confused about the baby-sitter being Claudia, not Mary Anne, if it weren=t for figuring out that someone at Scholastic made... a boo boo.
Before she gets to her sitting job, Claudia decides to have the wee ones do a project to keep them in smiles and rainbows. She starts looking through magazines lying around and sees a spread of a princess in the clutches of a dragon and a knight riding to her rescue. Kristy apparently had demanded to see the princess save the prince JUST ONCE...
Well, damn I don=t know, what about...
(The plot of this movie is that the Prince gets captured and Snow White has to go to the Realm of Doom and rescue him.)
Or how about the time Ariel saved Eric?
Which were both out when this book was written. But I digress.
Claudia decides the kids will make dragons out of carboard, old oatmeal bins, and toilet paper tubes with embellishments. This sounds really cute and I want to do it now!
When Claudia gets there all the kids (including the triplets) get excited for the project that Claudia brought (though she is keeping it a surprise) but then she has to remind them AI=m not baby sitting for YOU, you=re leaving." Damn, triplets, you're ten. Figure out your plans for the day, yo.
When the others leave the little kids descend upon the red wagon filled with art supplies.
Oh, they call the glitter "fairy dust" and the yarn "doll hair." These kids are cute today.
She tells them they are making dragons and that they can look however they imagine. This sounds like a smart project and now I want to do it even MORE.
Becca happily makes a cute little baby dragon that she names Charlotte, and then they make up a game called Dragon Kingdom. That sounds so freaking cute ahhhh!
When Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey come to pick up Becca, she is covered in paint and hugs her mother. Ahahahha I hope it stains, bitch.
Now Becca doesn=t want to leave. Who saw that one coming?
Chapter 14
Quint is still hopping mad about being told that two kids without parents couldn= t goof off in an expensive jewelry store. He rants and raves and wonders if it=s because they're black.
Oh, Quint. You are so perfect for Jessi.
Jessi says it could be if it weren=t for the fact that the security guard was black, too.
Okay, I almost choked on my drink. That just made it even funnier.
AHe treated us like KIDS. Was it because we=re black?@
ANo, it=s because You=re KIDS.@
Jessi says what I was thinking, that it was probably because they're KIDS.
AHow dumb!@ Quint whines. "We're not five." No, you're middle schoolers. That=s worse.
Quint says he wonders if Frank and Red are robbing the store right now. Jessi gasps and says it=s the guard's fault for making them leave!
Right, because you would be so much help during a robbery. Damn, they=d probably take you guys hostage. Idiots.
OMG it gets better/worse. Jessi is imagining all of the employees tied up while Frank and Red steal all of the jewels in the store. She goes on to say that she and Quint will sneak up behind them, and they=ll think they=re cops! And, what? Put their hands up? Not how it works. She's no Phil the Ventriloquist.
Now they=re the stars of headlines! AHeroic Teens Foil Desperadoes.@ HA! The ghostie just admitted it! 11 year olds ain't teens, but 14 year olds are. CAUGHT IN YOUR WEB!
Another headline shall tout AJewel Heist Jinxed by Juveniles.@ Say that five times fast.
Nlow she=s picking out the jewelry she=ll give to her mother (suck it, Cecelia) when the owners lavish them with rewards.
Quint fumes some more about how they were disgraced, and Jessi decides that now when he=s already in a bad mood, it=s time to have the talk.
No, not the kind that will put a smile on his face.
She wonders how to do it and then remembers Daniel from Shadow Lake, whom she almost cheated on Quint with. Damn this girl gets arouuuuuuuuund!
Then she=s thinking about Curtis Shaller from SMS. Is he also black, because then that ruins Jessi's only-family-in-stoneybrook theory.
Apparently Daniel dissed her by saying he had a GF in Boston and wasn=t really interested in her. Yeah he just did that to cover his ass, look at how Mary Anne with the steady was totally ho-ing it up with Alex in Sea City.
When she says they need to talk about them, Quint turns uncomfortable.
It turns out that he is feeling the same way, and wanted to go to a dance with another girl but didn=t because he thought that would be unfaithful to Jessi. She confesses she already did such a deed but Afeels guilty.@
AOh, Jessi,@ Quint says sympathetically. Uh, he=s not pissed that he missed out on a fun dance and Jessi didn=t give a shit?
He asks in a hushed whisper if he can kiss her one last time.
Before their lips touch, however, Jessi is distracted by a car door slamming. Sorry Quint, she=s just not that into you.
It=s Red and Frank, so they skeedaddle upstairs and spy on them. When they don=t show up, Quint starts rattling off really dangerous and just plain stupid ideas when dealing with criminals, like knocking on their door and asking questions about diamonds, or disguising themselves and trying to sneak into their apartment.
These are more hare-brained schemes than the ones Merlin Jones cooked up!
Yeah. This kid=s Junior Detective license needs to be REVOKED.
In their frustration of playing the waiting game, Quint and Jessi decide to blow off some steam by getting low on the floor... doing ballet stretches. I hope the parents don=t come in. Awk-ward.
Suddenly they hear loud voices. Frank and Red have returned, and are fighting!
Again.
Using the same insults.
Arguing about the same subject.
With the same words.
Can anyone guess what=s happening?
Red tells Frank he messed up and to check his script.
Yup.
Once again, there is no fucking mystery. These two guys are ACTORS and were rehearsing, and have been stalked by kids for nothing.
I need a strong drink.
Chapter 15
Well, they’ve wasted their time giggling over their own stupidity because Mrs. Walter tells them to break it up because Jessi=s got to go back to Stacey=s so they can get their train on time. Quint asks her if he can kiss her now, dammit! For someone who wants to break up, he sure is eager to hit that.
(I would apologize for all of the Jacob Black Hillywood parody gifs I made, but I won't.)
Jessi "gave a little shiver." Ew, I didn=t realize I stumbled into an erotica.
But of course none for you, Quint, because they get interrupted again.
Quint: Nega-boner.
Quint and Jessi shrug, and Jessi gets all philosophical interpreting their shrugs to mean AT’wasn=t meant to be.@ Oh, shut up is this book OVER yet???
Mr. And Mrs. Walter are reading a paper. THE NY TIMES, of course.
Whilst waiting for a cab, Morgan is with Quint and Jessi and points out a man whose hair is "a funny color."
Red, the owner of his red hair, turns and smiles and says that he likes his hair because it makes him unique. Then he squints and says, ADo I know you from somewhere?@ to Quint, and Jessi plants a wet one on Quint=s cheek and grabs a cab for a getaway car, leaving Quint and his little siblings to fend for themselves.
Stacey wants to know how her morning went, and Jessi is a ho who makes her wait 'til the train to hear her boring tale. Jessi, I am so done with you. No wonder you only get one mystery. Stacey is actually being nice in this book, and what do you do? Then you wonder why the older girls don't like you.
At the station Jessi buys something for Becca, then they get on the train and the minute their butts are in their seats Stacey puts her in a strangle hold and says TELL. ALL. BITCH.
Stacey laughs at her story and says she never would have guessed. Well, I did the first time reading it because it seemed so stupid. But I guess I=m a better detective than Stacey...
it turns out Jessi bought Becca a Troll, which she says Athat are cute in an ugly kind of way.@
HOW DARE SHE?! TROLLS ARE NOT UGLY THEY ARE SO CUTE SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!!
Stacey remarks that her dad only spent a few hours at the office during the weekend, and spent the rest of the time with her, and how it=s a record. First, what a horrible dad, and second, I don=t remember any of the other times she visits him, him diitching her for the office. Just Mr. Majors...
Stacey declares that she=ll have another BF in no time when she hears about Quint, and is already trying to fix her up! Good ol' Stace.
She's just like my great-aunt. "You've got to have a man to function! I bet you would have felt better when your grandpa died if you had a boyfriend."
Yep, that happened.
Jessi=s fam and Stacey's mom (whose got it going ON, that's where Stacey gets it from) are at the station, and so are the BSC, who apologize for being late because the Junk Bucket really broke so Watson had to drive them.
You were there when they got off the train, how does that make you late? Why was that necessary to tell us? Word count not used up yet?
Becca is happy with her Troll (good kid) and says she had fun at the Pikes', so it all worked out. Hopefully Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey don't see this as they did nothing wrong, though.
Later, Jessi jacks up her parents' phone bill by calling all the BSCers she just saw and will see after school the next day, (couldn't they have met up for pizza?) and then long distances Quint, who tells Jessi that Red recognized him becasue his niece goes to Julliard, which was why he was at the ballet.
Quint and Jessi declare to always be friends. (With Benefits...) I MADE IT!!!
Whew. I made it through my first snark ever! I hope you enjoyed it, and I will try to snark another soon!