#2 CLAUDIA AND THE PHANTOM PHONE CALLS! part two!
when we last left the baby-shitters cult, the girls had freaked themselves out over a new spaper article and decided to have their FIRST EVER EMERGENCY MEETING! how will this meeting go down? read on to find out!
as always, thanks to everyone who read and commented on part one! you guys rock!
now, back to the shit show!
CHAPTER THREE
the girls are sitting in claud's room having a super serious emergency meeting. how is everyone's favourite cult leader president handling the affairs of the day?
well, by whining.
no, seriously, she's straight up whining: "this is terrible, how can we baby-sit under these conditions?" claudia says kristy is moaning, but it's whining. she's totally whining in my mind. because she's twelve years old and can't cope with this shit. at least she's acting her own damned age for once.
no one knows what to say so claudia, being claudia, grabs the biggest bar of chocolate she can find and begins offering pieces around to mary anne and kristy. she admits, 'i didn't even bother to feel bad that stacey couldn't eat any. the three of us chewed in silence.' wow, gotta love the wording there, 'i didn't even bother to feel bad…' jesus. because giving a shit about your best friend's chronic illness is such a strain, right claudia?
stacey breaks the silence.
'"look," stacey said after awhile. "i think we're worrying about nothing. the phantom caller hasn't even robbed anybody in stoneybrook, so he's still at least twenty miles away." she turned to mary anne. "what makes you so sure he'll come here next? maybe he'll decide that with the police on his tail he should just clear out and go rob people in oklahoma."
"that's true," said mary anne slowly.
"and in the second place, if anyone we sit for does have some fantastic piece of jewelry and the phantom caller has heard about it, don't you think we'd have heard about it, too? i mean, it wouldn't be any secret then."'
man, you can tell she's new in town, because she's actually using something that stoneybrookites have never fucking heard of: LOGIC. logic = sophistication??
don't worry stace, like i said, kristy will rid you of that pesky logical mind. she's mixing up a stronger batch of kool-aid as we speak.
'"that's true, too," i said. "but…well, what if we just happened to be baby-sitting somewhere and a burglar just happened to try to break in? not the phantom caller necessarily, but any burglar? it could happen, you know, and we should be prepared."'
wow claudia…you're actually using common sense. it's a smart idea to have plans in place in case something like that happens. you can tell it's early days in the cult because kristy's kool-aid is MUCH weaker than it would end up being in later books. no wonder she had to strengthen the dose, though, because she was sitting there pissing and moaning while stacey was being logical and claud was coming up with the smart, common sense ideas. how's a cult leader president supposed to have ultimate control over her slaves minions people if she doesn't appear to be the smartest, most logical, common sense, Idea Machine ™ in the entire town? gotta drug those masses into numb stupidity, am i right? turn 'em into sheep.
kristy tells claud that she's right. and i imagine that she's inwardly fuming and trying to calculate the correct chemical dosages in her mind to make the kool-aid strong enough to permanently disable claud's brain.
kristy adds, through once again imagined gritted teeth, "good baby-sitters should be prepared for anything."
and we get to one of my favourite parts in the book:
'"maybe," said stacey, "we should arrange a code we could give each other over the phone that would be a signal for the other person to call the police. let's say i'm baby-sitting for jamie newton, and i hear a burglar. okay. i want to call the police, but i don't want the burglar to hear me calling the police, right?"
"right," said the rest of us.
"so what i do is call claudia, for example, and i say, 'hi, it's stacey. have you found my red ribbon?' and that's a signal that i'm in trouble and need claudia to call the police."
"hey, that's a neat idea!" said kristy.'
you can really tell we're only two books into the series because kristy isn't the one coming up with this Great Idea ™ or shitting all over stacey for coming up with an idea and daring to think that it's worthy of club time.
'"yeah!" agreed mary anne. "but how would claudia know where you are? how would she know where to send the police?"
"that's right. that's a good question, stace," i said. "because what if the burglar were listening in on an extension? i couldn't just say, 'okay, i'll call the police. where are you?' that wouldn't do you any good at all."'
my brain is melting, you guys. claudia is not only making sense, but making a good point. mary anne is freely voicing an opinion. what is happening? where did these free thinkers go? what happened to their brains later on? oh, yeah, kristy. kristy and her kool-aid happened to them.
'"aughh! listening in on an extension! that is so creepy!" screamed kristy.'
no, what is creepy is that you're sitting there passively, totally uninvolved in the planning and everything, just occasionally jumping in to give someone else props for having a good idea, or freaking the fuck out over shit. who are you? you're not the kristy i know, that's for fucking sure. these weak ass lines would later be reserved for mary anne, jessi and mallory. you should be running the show right now, kristy. you're straight up freaking me out.
'"but it could happen," i said. "it happened in that thriller, the night of the weird. you know, the one where they find the baby-sitter -- "
"stop! stop! stop! don't say anymore. i don't want to know!" cried kristy.'
NO. YOU STOP, KRISTY! YOU'RE SCARING ME!
to distract myself from this freaky twilight zone kristin amanda thomas, i'm going to check and see if the night of the weird actually exists.
nope. it totally doesn't. damn, i wanted to see what happened to the baby-sitter.
claudia says that the point is that they should all know where the others are sitting and when. maybe this is why they later become attached at the fucking waist? a simple safety procedure gone haywire due to toxic levels of kool-aid inducing paranoia in all the cult members?
mary anne says, "well, there's the record book." which makes claudia take a break in the story to tell us about the record book, notebook and what roles each cult member has in the cult, or as claudia puts it, 'each of us holds an office in the baby-sitters club…' and derpaderps her way into telling us what we already know. luckily she at least makes it brief.
stacey asks, "what about the record book?"
'"it's got all the information in it -- our appointments, the money we've earned, everything. i could bring it to school every day so we could check the calendar. and during our regular friday afternoon meetings we could check it for the weekend. that way each of us would be sure to know what the others are doing -- where they're going to be baby-sitting."
"that's a good suggestion," said kirsty.'
STOP GIVING YOUR MINIONS PROPS! THIS IS NOT HOW THE CULT IS RUN!
but kristy tries to gain some control over the situation by adding, "except that, as president, i'll take responsibility for the book during school. if anything happens to it, it'll be my fault."
and i'll be able to exert my dominance over all you bitches. put you in your rightful places. it's time you learned that i rule over you, not the other way around! bwahaha! kristy thought with a smirk while rubbing her hands together evilly like a cartoon villain.
'"you don't have to do that," i said. "we could take turns."
"no, it's easier if the same person always has it. i don't mind. so i move that i should bring it to school everyday."'
that's right kristy, you take control of the situation.
mary anne spier, who would go on to be voted Most Whipped in the SMS yearbook, says, "i second the motion." and somehow no one else gets to voice an opinion on this, so kristy is in charge of the record book.
kristy says, "good," then asks, "now what about burglar alarms?"
claudia counters, "what about them?" and i don't know if she's talking back or just being dumb.
kristy tries once again to assert dominance and gain control, "i think that if we're baby-sitting and anything strange happens -- a silent phone call, a funny noise outside, anything -- we should rig up some kind of burglar alarm so that at least we'd know if someone tried to break into the house."
kristy probably can't wait to go home and beat off to her copy of mein kampf. seriously, when will the other cult members learn that she is the fucking boss around here? it must be hard to get respect without the use of brainwashing kool-aid when you're like, a four foot nothing twelve year old.
'for a moment nobody spoke. at last mary anne said, "you mean like stacking tin cans in front of a door so that if the door opened, the cans would crash down and alert you?"
"exactly!" cried kristy. "that's a good idea."'
stop giving others props for their ideas! it's really no wonder you have zero control over your minions, kristin.
'she tore a piece of paper out of my social studies notebook and wrote:
1. stack cans in front of door or window (inside).
"but," she added, "make sure you don't put the stuff where the kids you're sitting for could fall over it. and make sure you put it away before the parents come home."
"right," we agreed.
"okay. other ideas? claudia?" asked kristy. she was beginning to sound like some of my teachers.'
OH. MY. GOD. SHE'S ASKING FOR IDEAS FROM OTHERS. AND FROM CLAUDIA OF ALL PEOPLE! i really am in the twilight zone right now, aren't i??
'"no," i said crossly, feeling embarrassed. then i added. "do you have any?" realizing that kristy had been doing a lot of talking and writing and not much thinking.'
HAHA, i love that claudia went there. i just wish she'd called kristy on it out loud!
there is a very awkward silence while kristy scrambles to come up with an idea. this book is blowing my mind, this kristy is blowing my mind -- she can't even come up with any ideas of her own! finally kristy suggests, "how about a smell alert?" and then bursts into very un-kristy like giggles. mary anne and stacey laugh too, but claudia doesn't because she thinks that kristy is "sounding pretty childish again." she demands to know what a smell alert is, and comes across almost janine-esque in the way she asks, "what is a smell alert, if i may ask?" if this were janine talking, claud would roast her ass.
kristy can't stop giggling, but manages to answer: "you put something really gross, like garbage, outside the house, where the burglar is bound to step in it. then when he breaks in, you smell him before you even hear him. a smell alert!"
claud's response is basically this:
she tells us that she had no intention of laughing at kristy's childish antics and ideas. instead, she says, "you know, a burglar could be a woman. it doesn't have to be a man." and so it begins…the BSC's brand of feminism: the crook could be a woman! not all crooks are men! these cookies are gingerbread people, not gingerbread men! i made a snowperson! not a snowman! snow people can be women, too! calling it a snowman is sexist!
kristy whines, "aw, claud, it was a joke, come on." claudia responds by saying, "well, i don't have any ideas." so they decide to keep thinking and write down the ribbon related code words.
kristy tells them that code words are serious business: "you guys have to keep these a secret. nobody should know our code…i'm serious now." they all agree. kristy asks if they should stick to stacey's code and mary anne asks what it was, because she forgot with all this talk of smell alerts and what not.
'"she said, 'have you found my red ribbon?'" i replied quickly, glad to be able to answer something.
"right," said kristy. "and that means that there's some kind of trouble and the baby-sitter needs the police."
"i think," i said slowly, "that we should stick with what stacey said, but that we should have a few more code words so we can give more information."
"yeah. in case there's a burglar listening in on the phone, the person who gets the phone call should answer in code to let the baby-sitter know her message was understood and that the friend knows where's she sitting and everything," added stacey.
"how about this for the answer?" suggested mary anne. "the person would say, 'no, the blue one.' it's simple, and it's still in code."
"that's good," said kristy, but i could see her shiver at the very thought of a burglar listening in on her conversation.'
it's still totally weirding me out that kristy is so easily creeped out in this book. normally she'd be the one acting like it's no big deal, maybe getting a little freaked out inside, but she wouldn't let the others know how scared she was. she'd be acting like they were scared little wimps for freaking out and pushing them to just get on with shit and run after criminals and stuff. what the hell happened to kristy? why did she change so much? was she testing all the kool-aid on herself first to figure out the maximum strength needed to drug the others into submission? did all that kool-aid testing poison her so badly that it completely changed her personality? WHAT IS THIS?!
'"i think we should also have a way to let someone know whether we're in really big trouble," said stacey, "like if a burglar is in the house and we've actually seen him -- or whether we just think there's trouble."
"yeah," i replied. "that's important."'
IT'S SO MESSED UP THAT EVERYONE BUT KRISTY IS COMING UP WITH IDEAS AND USING COMMON SENSE!! i don't know if my brain can handle this weird, alternate reality kristy.
oh good, kristy saves my brain from exploding by coming up with an idea.
phew!
'"okay," said kristy. "how about this: after the person who gets the call for help goes, 'no, the blue one,' the baby-sitter goes, 'now i'm in for it,' if there's big trouble, or, 'that's okay,' if she's not sure there's trouble?"
"all right," we agreed.'
claudia says she hopes she can keep all the codes straight, so kristy suggests that they practice. she gives claud a made up scenario where she's sitting for david michael and hears a noise at the window, then asks, "what would you do?" claud says she'd call stacey and i'm surprised kristy isn't flipping out in a jealous rage over not being the first person on the list. but then, this is bizarro kristy. she don't give many fucks, she just gets scared of shit and waits for others to come up with all the ideas and plans.
'"let's hear you conversation. remember, you don't know where the burglar is, if there is a burglar, so you have to use code."
"okay…okay, i'd pick up the phone and call stace -- "
"ring! ring! ring!" said kristy, imitating the phone.
stacey placed an imaginary receiver at her ear. "hello?"
"hi, stace. it's claud. did you see my ribbon?"'
WRONG!
'"no. have you found my red ribbon?" interrupted kristy.
"no, i haven't," i said.'
jesus christ, claud.
'"claud! come on. do it right."
"i'm trying…okay. ring, ring, ring."
"hello?" said stacey.
"hi, it's claudia. how are you?"
"not 'how are you'!" cried kristy. "get to the point. you're not making a social call. you're scared to death!"
i sighed. "hi, stacey. it's me, claudia. have you…have you found my red ribbon?"
silence. then stacey burst out laughing. "i forget what i'm supposed to say!"
kristy looked ready to kill us. "claud, call mary anne instead."'
GOOD FUCKING LUCK!
'"okay, ring, ring."
"hello?"
"hi, mary anne. it's claudia. have you found my red ribbon?"
"no, i haven't."'
OH MY GOD, GIRLS!
'"no, the blue one!" shouted kristy. "mary anne, you made up this part of the code. you ought to know it."
"i know. i just -- i don't know. start over, claud."'
so they practice until they pretty much have the code memorized, but since kristy doesn't trust them -- meaning claud -- to retain the information, she forces them to write the codes down so they don't forget and demands that they practice them once a day. claud internally monologues, 'she is so bossy sometimes.'
you don't even know the half of it yet, claudia.
and this never ending chapter still isn't over! this ebook is four hundred and one fucking pages some how and i'm on page eighty one. there's only been THREE CHAPTERS. WHAT THE FUCK?!
as the girls are getting ready to leave claud's house, mary anne claps her hand over her mouth and has a mini freak out, "oh, no!" what is it now mary anne?
mary anne flips her shit, "i just thought of something. what if my father hears about the phantom caller? i bet he won't let me baby-sit anymore." claudia points out that they'd decided not to worry about the phantom caller, but mary anne continues:
"i know, but if dad finds out about our code words, forget it. it'll give him something to worry about. i don't think he's thought of robbers and stuff."
why would he find out about your code words anyway? you should be more worried about him hearing about the phantom on the radio, or the news, or in the news paper, or from another parent or coworker bringing it up in conversation. seriously, the code words are the least of your worries, mary anne. and also, at least your dad fucking cares about you enough to worry about stuff like this. the rest of the parents in the 'brook don't give a fuck about their kids.
whatever mary anne, this chapter is already too long. i don't care.
good luck, nancy, you can't find something that doesn't exist.
and then we get the one of the worst, if not the worst, most dangerous messages in the series, which would be repeated throughout it's entirety. this is where it all started, you guys!
'"maybe we should keep all this a secret from all our parents," said kristy. "you know how parents are. mary anne's right. they're big worry-warts. let's just go on as if we never thought of any of these things today. agreed?"
"agreed!"'
the chapter ends with claudia telling us that even though the emergency meeting of the BSC was over, 'our adventure was just beginning.'
now, i'll have to ask you to please excuse me while i weep bitter tears for humanity.
my apologies for how shit this was, here is something to make up for it:
CHAPTER FOUR
this chapter opens with claudia freaking out all over us because she's had what she calls a "trevor-sighting," which she tells us are 'always a big event.' she literally follows the guy through the halls before the first bell rings, dodging passed the students who are on their way to home room. so i guess claudia was the BSC's original stalker -- not dawn, like i'd assumed. wow.
note: stalking will be a running theme throughout this entire book.
trevor comes to a stop outside the office of the literary voice, which is supposedly SMS's creative writing journal or some shit. it will conveniently vanish, never to be heard from again, before mallory even enters the sixth grade, so it's barely worth mentioning.
claudia stops abruptly and someone crashes into her from behind. they fall against some lockers and she turns to see who the fuck had the nerve to crash into her when she was just innocently going along, minding her own business and trying to stalk her beloved.
so who was it? none other than the one and only alan gray!
claudia snaps at him to watch where he's going and then we get a partial outfit description. turns out today claud is wearing a bow tie with scottie dogs on it and has given herself a truly wacky hairstyle: 'that day i had fixed it in five slim braids, and looped each one up on my head, holding them in place with beaded barrettes that had sparkly streamers attached to them,' i can't even begin to imagine how that would look. also, i sincerely hope that she has more than just a bow tie on.
'"me! what about you?" said alan as he straightened his books. then he stalked off, saying in a soft, singsong voice, "claud and trevor sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G."'
HAHA!
claud has a internal meltdown:
'oh, he makes me so mad! and how did he know about my crush on trevor, anyway? someone must have let the cat out of the bag, and i had a good idea who that someone was.'
i bet she suspects kristy, due to her big mouth and total immaturity.
i also bet that she's wrong and that just this one time kristy is actually innocent.
just then the first bell rings and claud has to run all the way to homeroom. while she's sitting through roll call and morning announcements, she fantasizes about trevor. i will type out her fantasy in it's entirety, because it's pretty fucking out there:
'our grade is being taken on a field trip to visit the colonial bradford mansion in wutherby. we're split into groups and trevor and i are in the same group. after we tour the house, we go out back to the gardens and start wandering through the giant maze made of yew hedges. trevor and i reach a dead end together and are just about to turn around when we realize it's snowing, even though it's june.
"hey, what's that?" says trevor. he points to a little wooden door hidden in the bushes.
"i don't know," i reply. "let's see. maybe we can get out of the snow for awhile."
we open the door and find ourselves in another world. the snow is gone, and so are the maze, the bradford mansion, and the other kids. we're no longer in wutherby. for all i know, we're not even on earth. maybe we're in the fourth dimension. it doesn't matter. wherever we are, we're alone together…'
so, basically they find a secret door in a maze and magically enter narnia?
claud's fantasy is rudely interrupted before anything juicy can occur, when her math teacher calls her name. turns out she'd been repeating this same fantasy in her head all day long and is now in math class. her teacher, mr. peters, is asking for her homework, 'peering at[her] with great concern.' claudia informs us that most of her teachers look at her that way. possibly because she sits through class glassy eyed and drooling, completely checked out and fantasizing about trevor? and then wakes up in class all like,
i'd be pretty fucking concerned if i were her teacher, too.
she gets her math homework out of her notebook and hands it over. she tells us that she knew it was all correct because janine had helped her with her homework over the weekend. 'she was a real stickler for math problems, as you can probably imagine.' well, good because you need the help. you'll never stop needing the help, which is why it pisses me off that all of the extra help you were getting from your family to keep you from failing stopped.
claudia mocks janine's way of talking and then reveals to us that when she and janine were little, janine 'used to be normal. we would play together and have fun. she even seemed to have some sort of an imagination, although that's hard to believe now.'
i wonder what happened? not that there's anything wrong with janine, but i wonder what it was that made her completely knuckle down and focus entirely on schoolwork? maybe seeing her sister get shipped off to that "special school" freaked her out? who knows.
i'm not going to bother snarking claudia going to class after fucking class, because that's just boring. i'm going to skim instead and see if there's anything worth noting.
ah, claud got a 70 on her vocabulary quiz. jesus, claudia has a long history of struggling with vocabulary quizzes, doesn't she? she explains away her misspelling of the word "october" -- which she'd spelled OCOBER -- by saying she knows how it's really spelled, she just spelled it incorrectly because she wasn't paying attention.
finally it's time for lunch. she spots stacey ahead of her in the hot-lunch line and calls out for her to save her a seat at their table. and i remember that this is before the BSC insisted on sitting together as a group and get a little excited.
claudia tells us that normally she would've cut ahead in line to go stand with stacey, but that stace was standing right next to some dude named alexander kurtzman, who is a mini-adult and a stickler for rules. no, really, the guy carries a briefcase to school, wears a jacket and tie -- WHERE ARE HIS PANTS??!?!! -- and 'lives to obey rules. one of his favourites is "no frontsies, no backsies." so there was really no point in trying to butt in.'
i bet the other kids in the cafeteria LOVE you, claudia, if you normally cut in line like a total jerk.
she looks around the cafeteria and spots kristy and mary anne sitting with the shillaber twins -- mariah and miranda -- and some girl named lauren hoffman, who, like the shillaber twins, will get sucked into a vortex in the next few books, never to be heard from again. claudia comments that mariah and miranda dress alike, 'i couldn't believe it. they are too old for that, i think.' whatever, claudia.
'but then, kristy and her friends can be babyish. they had even brought bag lunches that day because the hot lunch was chicken divan, which i admit is on the disgusting side. however, it's embarrassing to bring your lunch to school in seventh grade. for one thing, it gives your locker a permanent bologna odour.'
so that, my friends, is why they always buy the hot lunch, even though it's nasty as fuck, because it's embarrassing to bring your own lunch to school once you hit the age of twelve.
hey, claudia? no one is forcing you to bring bologna sandwiches to school. you can eat food that doesn't stink. and you can actually eat your lunch instead of leaving it in your locker until the end of the school year. that'd probably help. better than paying good money for food that makes you want to vomit. i guess only a total loser would rather eat good food from home than pay to eat shit, though.
claudia reminds herself that she needs to 'have a little talk with miss kristy thomas.' so, i was right, she does blame kristy for alan knowing about her crush on trevor.
she grabs her chicken divan and sits down with stacey. they're joined by their usual lunch crowd: dorianne wallingford, who claudia says has a romantic name, emily bernstein, howie johnson, pete black and rick chow.
whatever happened to dorianne, howie and rick? did they get sucked into the same vortex as the shillaber twins and lauren hoffman?
heh, for fun i did a search online for the name lauren hoffman and there is actually a singer with that name. so from now on, i will imagine that this is what happened to lauren, she didn't get sucked into a void, she just got the hell out of stoneybrook and started up a music career:
since i had such luck searching lauren hoffman, i decided to search up miranda and mariah shillaber, and oddly enough, i found a insanejournal someone made for the shillaber twins last year!
oh my god! in the friend of section of the user profile, there are journals for and gentile, dorianne wallingford, woody jefferson…so many SMS students, including stacey. what magical goldmine have i stumbled on?! they're part of a stoneybrook role playing game. my mind is officially blown.
holy crap there is even one for trevor. this is some of the most amazing shit i have ever come across. i sure hope these people are active.
well, they aren't active on the individual journals, but they are pretty active on the RPG community, up till last november, at least!
anyway, back to the snark!
claudia tells us that everyone at her table is eating the chicken divan, and that the boys have eight desserts among the three of them. 'they pack away more food at every meal than a football team does.' she quips. well, ya gotta wash down that chicken divan with something claud. i'm surprised your lunch isn't entirely made up of desserts.
by the way, i've never eaten chicken divan before, so i looked it up and found a recipe. i've come to the conclusion that SMS must REALLY fuck up the hot lunches, because chicken divan sounds like it'd be really yummy, as long as you don't massively fuck it up. i want to try making this one night. sounds almost like a chicken pot pie without the pie crust.
'"do you guys think you have enough food?" i asked, as i opened my milk carton and arranged the things on my tray.
"enough for a food sculpture," replied pete.
"oh, no! not today!" i exclaimed with a giggle. the guys had been bringing toothpicks to school and using their milk cartons and garbage and stuff to make food creations. once they made mrs. pinelli, the music teacher. they gave her noodle hair, grape eyes, and an apple head. we got yelled at for wasting food.'
see, this is where kristy is failing. instead of making disgusting comments about the food, she should be making disgusting sculptures with the food. then she would win claudia and stacey's respect. not that she needs to win it, when she already demands it, but whatever.
dorianne ignores the boys and their food sculpting, 'she nibbled at her chicken and looked tragic. she can be very dramatic sometimes.' claudia tells us. which makes me fucking snort laughing, because jesus fucking christ, the BSC are the most dramatic attention whores in the whole school!
'"what is it?" i asked her finally.
dorianne sighed loudly. the boys stopped scarfing up their food and looked at her. "we got robbed last night," she said. i dropped my fork with a clatter and almost choked on a mouthful of carrots. "you did?"
"well…not us exactly."'
okay, that is pretty attention whorish.
'"who exactly?"
"nana and cramps. and it looks like the work of…the phantom caller!"
i think my heart actually stopped beating for a few moments.
"the phantom caller?" i squeaked.
dorianne nodded her head tragically.
"wh-where do you grandparents live?" i asked, dreading her answer.
"in new hope." dorianna allowed a tiny bit of chicken to enter her mouth.'
jesus, it sounds like dorianne sure does love to pick at her food. surprised claudia isn't making cracks in her head/to us about dorianne dieting or suspecting that she has anorexia, like the cult did with stacey just one book ago. i guess she's not close enough to dorianne to care either way. i mean, she already thinks the girl is a drama queen, she probably chalks everything dorianne does up to being dramatic and attention seeking.
'i let out a sigh of relief. so the caller was back in new hope. "oh, well," i said. "in new hope. that's okay."
"claudia, what are you talking about? he got nana's sapphire and diamond engagement ring and her diamond choker."'
wow, a diamond fucking choker? dorianne's cramps must have had some mad cash, yo!
also, i feel bad for fictional nana and cramps, being robbed would fucking suck. i hope they had the ring and choker insured at least.
also part two, claudia is totally insensitive. she needs to learn to think before she speaks.
'"i'm sorry, dor," i said. "i didn't mean…it's just that, well, it's better than if he were robbing houses here in stoneybrook, isn't it?"
dorianne gave me a funny look. "i guess."'
the awkward is strong in this conversation.
there are some brief hijinks when half a banana falls off a tower of milk cartons the boys had made as part of their food sculpture and lands in emily's chicken divan, causing the chicken to splatter on her mohair sweater.
'"ew, ew!" she cried. "rick! look what you did! my sister is going to kill me!"
"why is your sister going to kill you?" he asked.
"because this is her sweater."'
oops! claudia takes emily into the girls' room to help her wash the chicken off of the sweater. good fucking luck with that, girls! while claud is sponging down emily's sister's sweater with damp paper towels, emily leans forward and whispers to her, asking, "so, what is this i hear about you and trevor sandbourne?" jesus, word spreads fast in middle school.
'my heart stopped beating again. if that kept up, i wouldn't live to see thirteen.'
HAHAHAHAHA!! don't worry claud! you'll not only live to see thirteen, you will remain thirteen FOREVER.
claudia checks the stalls to make sure no one else is in the girls' room and says, "nothing. and what did you hear?"
'"that you like him."
"who'd you hear it from?"
"dorianne."
"who'd she hear it from?"
emily shrugged. "i don't know."
"well, i know something. i know that kristy thomas has a big, fat mouth."
"kristy!" exclaimed emily. "what does she care about stuff like this?"
"she cares." but emily's words made me think. this wasn't the kind of thing kristy cared about…but she was a blabbermouth.'
yeah, kristy is a blabbermouth all right, but this ISN'T something she'd give a shit about. not unless you and trevor started dating and he took up so much of your free time that you couldn't baby-sit. gossiping about your imaginary love life isn't exactly on the top of kristy's list of priorities.
'i threw away the paper towels. "there," i said to emily. "i think the spots are gone."
"thanks, claud."
as we walked out into the hall, we ran into kristy and mary anne. "thanks for nothing!" i said to kristy.
"what's that supposed to mean?"
emily raised an eyebrow at us and disappeared into the cafeteria.'
yeah, probably best to get out of the way before the hair pulling and face scratching starts, emily.
'"you told about tr -- " i realized i was almost yelling, so i lowered my voice to a whisper. " -- about trevor."
"i did not!" kristy whispered back.
"well, everyone seems to know about us. even alan gray."
"why would i speak to alan gray?" hissed kristy.
i paused. "beats me."
"beats me, too."
suddenly i felt bad. "i'm sorry, kristy. i just can't figure out how everyone knows about this."'
maybe kids have noticed you stalking him in the hallways?! dumb ass.
'"who else did you tell?" asked mary anne.
"just you guys and stacey."
"well, i didn't say anything."
"and i don't think stacey would."
"it's a mystery," said kristy.'
a mystery within a mystery, you guys, what the BSC books fail at the hardest!
'"yeah." a mystery. i liked the sound of that. but i still didn't like everyone knowing my private business.'
no kidding, i mean, if pretty much everyone knows, that means that sooner or later, word will get around to trevor. funny how claud isn't even thinking of this.
she apologizes to kristy again and tells her and mary anne that she'll see them at the meeting that afternoon. mary anne and kristy say, "okay," and then head into the girls' room together to make out or something, and claudia heads back into the cafeteria.
claudia tells her that two good things happened that day. the first was obviously her trevor sighting/stalking, the second was mr. taylor, the most absent principle in history, making a Very Special Intercom Announcement before the final bell: the school is having it's very first dance -- ever? of the semester? whatever, it's the first of way too many in this series, that's for damned sure! -- on october 31st: the halloween hop! the students are informed that costumes aren't required, but that they are welcome.
there ya go claud, you don't have to hang out at home handing out candy, you get to go to a dance instead! i'm sure trevor sandbourne will be super impressed and turned on by that smurf costume you've been planning!
the chapter ends on claud's dreamy sighs:
'i sighed dreamily. the halloween hop. would trevor go? more important, would he ask me to go? well, he might -- but not if he didn't know who i was. that would be crucial in getting an invitation. i sighed again. the second sigh was hopeless. after all, trevor didn't even know i was alive.'
whatever, claudia. ever since i learned what chicken divan actually is, i've been haunted by the imagined smell of creamy chicken and broccoli. it's making me fucking crazy and i don't even really like chicken. so thanks for that. thanks for making me salivate over a dinner that exists only in my mind. i'm going to have to buy the ingredients this week and try making this, or else this is going to bug me forever.
CHAPTER FIVE
oh man! a baby-sitting chapter? fuck, fine. i'll do it, but only because it'll probably end up being relevant to the main plot for a change.
claudia arrives at the newton house to baby-sit for jamie. this is before lucy was born so at least we won't have to hear a BSC member raving about how awesome babies are, how the children are our future and huffing lucy's diapers or something.
jamie answers the door -- yup, a three year old answered the front door! super safe! -- with his standard "hi-hi!" greeting. claud informs us that she and kristy are jamie's favourite sitters and he's always glad to see them. sucks to be mary anne and stacey, i guess. but you don't see them spinning out into a jealous rage or trying to prove what awesome sitters they are and one-up each other over it. nope, ann saves that particular brand of bullshit for "little miss stoneybrook…and dawn!"
claudia greets jamie back by saying hi and then asking if he's ready to play. no wonder she's one of his favourite sitters.
mrs. newton appears behind jamie and says hello and that claudia is right on time. this leads to claud telling us that mrs. newton is one of her "favourite people in the whole world." why?
'she never asks me about school, but she always asks me about my art and tells me she likes what i'm wearing.'
do clients EVER ask them about school though? they usually just give last minute instructions and book it the fuck out of the house and away from their kids. the only client i can think of who ever shows any real interest in any of the sitter's lives is charlotte's mom, and that's only because stacey is a Super Special, Super Fragile Diabetic and she's a doctor. but whatever.
claud then tells us that mrs. newton is pregnant and that jamie will have a little brother or sister soon. not just 'soon', she tells us, but 'very soon. mrs. newton is so big she looks as if she should fall over forward instead of standing up straight.' if my memory is correct, this won't be the last time one of these girls makes some sort of snide remark about how "big/huge" a pregnant woman is and then expand on that comment to make it seem even shittier/more offensive.
mrs. newton compliments claudia on her barrettes and asks where she got them. claud tells us that her barrettes were teddy bears with streamers attached to them. teddy bears are in, i guess. just like sheep. sheep are always in. she tells mrs. barrette that she got them at the merry-go-round for three dollars and seventy-five cents. wow, that's like, what? a whole eight hours worth of baby-sitting wages for you girls? you gotta start charging more if you're going to keep yourself in teddy bear barrettes, claud!
mrs. newton says that maybe she'll get a pair, not for herself but for the baby. she tells claudia that she's hoping for a girl, but she spells the word "girl" out, so it probably went right over claudia's head. she tells claud that she has to spell it out because jamie wants a "B-O-Y." poor claudia must be so lost right now.
luckily mrs. newton saves her by asking how her art classes are going and what she's working on. claudia tells her she's doing two oil paintings -- a still life and that portrait of mimi she mentioned back in the first chapter. mrs. newton asks what the still life is, so claudia tells her (and us): "an egg, a checkered napkin, a wooden spoon, and a pitcher." mrs. newton says that the egg must be difficult. claud says it is but that she likes working on it.
hey, i'm bored. is anyone else bored? let's take a break for a minute from this boring small talk…
fucking. mesmerizing.
mrs. newton finally gets going, telling claud she'll be at the doctor's for a checkup and then she's going to the post office and the grocery store. she'll be home by five o'clock at the latest.
claudia asks jamie if he wants to go outside and play and of course he does -- it's 1986, over twenty years before even toddlers would practically be born with electronic devices fused to their hands. claudia tells us that she was glad he did because she was 'just a little afraid of the phantom caller. i knew he usually struck after dark, and i knew he hadn't robbed anyone in stoneybrook -- yet -- but i was still scared.' understandable.
mrs. newton leaves and claudia puts jamie's jacket on him -- because she isn't one of those horrible gum chewing, cigarette smoking sitters from the baby-sitters agency that believes in turning children into childsicles -- and they go outside and play in the backyard. the newton's backyard has a slide, swingset and jungle gym. jamie is one lucky son of a gun, that's an awesome yard to have as a kid! claud also informs us that the yard is completely surrounded by a tall stockade fence.
she pushes jamie on the swing for a bit and then he showed off some trick he'd learned on the jungle gym. claud is facing the house, watching jamie, when she sees something that almost makes her soil herself:
'a light came on downstairs in the newtons' house. it lit up the living room, but it didn't look like a living room light. maybe it was in the front hall.
a chill ran up my spine.
i looked at my watch. four o'clock. mrs. newton should have been with the doctor right then. besides, if she'd come back, i would have heard her car pull up and the door slam.
as i stared at the house, the light went off.
i gasped.'
take jamie and walk to your house, claudia. or kristy, mary anne or stacey's house. or the house of another client. you know everyone in this town and sit for almost every single family, if you're scared, you can go to someone and tell them what's going on and get them to call the cops and have them sent to the newton house. it's better to be safe than sorry.
i know i've said this before, but i wish these girls would get adults involved when shit like this happens. it wouldn't even have to be every single time -- even fifty percent of the time would've been a massive improvement over the cult's motto of never getting adults involved, no matter how serious a situation is. i've said it before and i'll say it again, this is SUCH a dangerous message to have in books for kids.
claudia tries to rationalize what she's seeing: 'maybe it was some kind of illusion -- like a street lamp. but why would a street lamp turn on and then go off?
i decided to ignore the light.'
NO! BAD CLAUDIA, BAD!! VERY BAD AND VERY STUPID!
she and jamie play around some more while i sit here seething with rage.
the phone rings from inside the house and jamie gets excited, thinking his daddy is calling. claudia tells us: 'i'd been hoping he wouldn't hear it. i hadn't planned to answer it.' but jamie runs for the house, calling for claudia to "come on!"
'i knew i should answer the phone. as a baby-sitter, that was one of my responsibilities. but i was too afraid. i stooped down. "just a second," i called. "my shoe's untied." i took long enough untying and retying my sneaker so that by the time i caught up with jamie at the back door, the phone was no longer ringing. "i'm sorry, jamie," i said. "look, if it was your dad, he'll call back."'
she tells us that jamie didn't seem too upset, he just sat down on the patio and played with his toy dump trunk. until he hears a noise and asks claudia what it is:
'"hey, what was that?"
"what was what?
"that noise."
"what noise?"
pat, pat, pat.
"that noise."
i had heard it, too. footsteps on the driveway, on the other side of the stockade fence.'
'i didn't know what to do. i was afraid to take jamie into the house, but the only way to leave the newtons' yard was through the gate in the fence. and the gate opened onto the driveway.'
claudia tells jamie that "maybe it was the paperboy." but jamie shakes his head, saying that the paperboy doesn't come to the house. "he stands in the street and throws the paper into the flower garden."
gotta admit, that actually made me chuckle.
they hear more pat pat pat-ing footsteps. so what does claudia do?
'"hey," i whispered, "let's be spies. let's sneak up to the fence and peek through the knothole by the gate."'
yeah, cuz that's a really smart thing to do if you're afraid there's even a chance that there's someone dangerous prowling around outside the fence!
jamie agrees to go along with this stupid plan, because he's three years old and also because he loves claudia and absolutely believes this is a fun game she's come up with.
'i took jamie's hand and we tiptoed across the grass to the gate. very cautiously, i closed one eye and put the other one up to the hole.
a brown eye was looking back at me!
i screamed.
jamie screamed.
the person attached to the brown eye screamed.
that last scream sounded awfully familiar. "kristy?" i said.
"claudia?" the gate opened and kristy came in, trembling.'
claudia, you are so fucking lucky it was just your cult leader coming to check up on you/up your dose of kool-aid. so. fucking. lucky.
'"what were you doing?" i shouted.
"trying to find you," she said. "hi, jamie."
"hi-hi."
"i thought you were the -- PC," i said, nodding toward jamie.'
good thing she didn't actually try to spell out phantom caller, can you imagine?: "i thought you were the F-A-N-N-T-U-M K-O-L-L-R"
kristy apologizes and says her mom got off work early, so she didn't have to sit for david michael, "i knew you were baby-sitting here, mom sent me over with something for mrs. newton and i wanted to see how you were doing. i was sort of worried about the -- PC myself."
claudia asks her if she turned on the light in the newtons' house. and yup, that was fucking kristy, too. way to scare the crap out of your friend, kristin! "mom made a casserole for the newtons since mrs. newton doesn't feel much like cooking anymore. i had to put on a light so i wouldn't trip with it on my way to the refrigerator. then i went back outside to look for you guys."
wait a fucking second, was the front door unlocked? seriously? how the fuck would kristy get in unless the front door was unlocked? that is incredibly fucking unsafe and stupid. i know, i know, small town, people probably don't lock their doors during the day, but seriously?!? SERIOUSLY!?! claudia is a child, baby-sitting an even younger child, and is afraid of the phantom caller breaking in, yet she doesn't LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR?!?!
stupid. stupid. stupid.
claud says, "i guess that wasn't you on the phone then," instead of asking "HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN THE HOUSE, KRISTY?!?!"
'kristy's eyes opened wide. "the phone rang?"
"just a couple of minutes ago, while you were walking around looking for us."
"did you answer it?"
"no, we -- we missed it."
"i bet it was daddy," said jamie.
kristy and i exchanged knowing looks.'
the chapter ends with kristy actually doing the right thing. or, well, as close to it as we can expect from a series where they refuse to go to adults for help:
'"do you want me to stay for awhile?" asked kristy.
"yes!" said jamie and i, for different reasons.
kristy can be a blabbermouth and a baby, but she can also be a very good friend.'
well, it's so early on in the series that calling kristy a "very good friend" isn't exactly a lie. not yet, anyway. she hasn't turned into a total dictator. that doesn't really start to happen until after dawn joins. she must've felt super fucking threatened by dawn if she had to crack down that hard on all of her friends and turn into a raging power hungry monster.
welp, that's all for now, folks! i'll try to post part three asap! there are some new snarky things on my blog as well, in case anyone is interested! :)
as always, thanks to everyone who read and commented on part one! you guys rock!
now, back to the shit show!
CHAPTER THREE
the girls are sitting in claud's room having a super serious emergency meeting. how is everyone's favourite cult leader president handling the affairs of the day?
well, by whining.
no, seriously, she's straight up whining: "this is terrible, how can we baby-sit under these conditions?" claudia says kristy is moaning, but it's whining. she's totally whining in my mind. because she's twelve years old and can't cope with this shit. at least she's acting her own damned age for once.
no one knows what to say so claudia, being claudia, grabs the biggest bar of chocolate she can find and begins offering pieces around to mary anne and kristy. she admits, 'i didn't even bother to feel bad that stacey couldn't eat any. the three of us chewed in silence.' wow, gotta love the wording there, 'i didn't even bother to feel bad…' jesus. because giving a shit about your best friend's chronic illness is such a strain, right claudia?
stacey breaks the silence.
'"look," stacey said after awhile. "i think we're worrying about nothing. the phantom caller hasn't even robbed anybody in stoneybrook, so he's still at least twenty miles away." she turned to mary anne. "what makes you so sure he'll come here next? maybe he'll decide that with the police on his tail he should just clear out and go rob people in oklahoma."
"that's true," said mary anne slowly.
"and in the second place, if anyone we sit for does have some fantastic piece of jewelry and the phantom caller has heard about it, don't you think we'd have heard about it, too? i mean, it wouldn't be any secret then."'
man, you can tell she's new in town, because she's actually using something that stoneybrookites have never fucking heard of: LOGIC. logic = sophistication??
don't worry stace, like i said, kristy will rid you of that pesky logical mind. she's mixing up a stronger batch of kool-aid as we speak.
'"that's true, too," i said. "but…well, what if we just happened to be baby-sitting somewhere and a burglar just happened to try to break in? not the phantom caller necessarily, but any burglar? it could happen, you know, and we should be prepared."'
wow claudia…you're actually using common sense. it's a smart idea to have plans in place in case something like that happens. you can tell it's early days in the cult because kristy's kool-aid is MUCH weaker than it would end up being in later books. no wonder she had to strengthen the dose, though, because she was sitting there pissing and moaning while stacey was being logical and claud was coming up with the smart, common sense ideas. how's a cult leader president supposed to have ultimate control over her slaves minions people if she doesn't appear to be the smartest, most logical, common sense, Idea Machine ™ in the entire town? gotta drug those masses into numb stupidity, am i right? turn 'em into sheep.
kristy tells claud that she's right. and i imagine that she's inwardly fuming and trying to calculate the correct chemical dosages in her mind to make the kool-aid strong enough to permanently disable claud's brain.
kristy adds, through once again imagined gritted teeth, "good baby-sitters should be prepared for anything."
and we get to one of my favourite parts in the book:
'"maybe," said stacey, "we should arrange a code we could give each other over the phone that would be a signal for the other person to call the police. let's say i'm baby-sitting for jamie newton, and i hear a burglar. okay. i want to call the police, but i don't want the burglar to hear me calling the police, right?"
"right," said the rest of us.
"so what i do is call claudia, for example, and i say, 'hi, it's stacey. have you found my red ribbon?' and that's a signal that i'm in trouble and need claudia to call the police."
"hey, that's a neat idea!" said kristy.'
you can really tell we're only two books into the series because kristy isn't the one coming up with this Great Idea ™ or shitting all over stacey for coming up with an idea and daring to think that it's worthy of club time.
'"yeah!" agreed mary anne. "but how would claudia know where you are? how would she know where to send the police?"
"that's right. that's a good question, stace," i said. "because what if the burglar were listening in on an extension? i couldn't just say, 'okay, i'll call the police. where are you?' that wouldn't do you any good at all."'
my brain is melting, you guys. claudia is not only making sense, but making a good point. mary anne is freely voicing an opinion. what is happening? where did these free thinkers go? what happened to their brains later on? oh, yeah, kristy. kristy and her kool-aid happened to them.
'"aughh! listening in on an extension! that is so creepy!" screamed kristy.'
no, what is creepy is that you're sitting there passively, totally uninvolved in the planning and everything, just occasionally jumping in to give someone else props for having a good idea, or freaking the fuck out over shit. who are you? you're not the kristy i know, that's for fucking sure. these weak ass lines would later be reserved for mary anne, jessi and mallory. you should be running the show right now, kristy. you're straight up freaking me out.
'"but it could happen," i said. "it happened in that thriller, the night of the weird. you know, the one where they find the baby-sitter -- "
"stop! stop! stop! don't say anymore. i don't want to know!" cried kristy.'
NO. YOU STOP, KRISTY! YOU'RE SCARING ME!
Click to viewto distract myself from this freaky twilight zone kristin amanda thomas, i'm going to check and see if the night of the weird actually exists.
nope. it totally doesn't. damn, i wanted to see what happened to the baby-sitter.
claudia says that the point is that they should all know where the others are sitting and when. maybe this is why they later become attached at the fucking waist? a simple safety procedure gone haywire due to toxic levels of kool-aid inducing paranoia in all the cult members?
mary anne says, "well, there's the record book." which makes claudia take a break in the story to tell us about the record book, notebook and what roles each cult member has in the cult, or as claudia puts it, 'each of us holds an office in the baby-sitters club…' and derpaderps her way into telling us what we already know. luckily she at least makes it brief.
stacey asks, "what about the record book?"
'"it's got all the information in it -- our appointments, the money we've earned, everything. i could bring it to school every day so we could check the calendar. and during our regular friday afternoon meetings we could check it for the weekend. that way each of us would be sure to know what the others are doing -- where they're going to be baby-sitting."
"that's a good suggestion," said kirsty.'
STOP GIVING YOUR MINIONS PROPS! THIS IS NOT HOW THE CULT IS RUN!
but kristy tries to gain some control over the situation by adding, "except that, as president, i'll take responsibility for the book during school. if anything happens to it, it'll be my fault."
and i'll be able to exert my dominance over all you bitches. put you in your rightful places. it's time you learned that i rule over you, not the other way around! bwahaha! kristy thought with a smirk while rubbing her hands together evilly like a cartoon villain.
'"you don't have to do that," i said. "we could take turns."
"no, it's easier if the same person always has it. i don't mind. so i move that i should bring it to school everyday."'
that's right kristy, you take control of the situation.
mary anne spier, who would go on to be voted Most Whipped in the SMS yearbook, says, "i second the motion." and somehow no one else gets to voice an opinion on this, so kristy is in charge of the record book.
kristy says, "good," then asks, "now what about burglar alarms?"
claudia counters, "what about them?" and i don't know if she's talking back or just being dumb.
kristy tries once again to assert dominance and gain control, "i think that if we're baby-sitting and anything strange happens -- a silent phone call, a funny noise outside, anything -- we should rig up some kind of burglar alarm so that at least we'd know if someone tried to break into the house."
kristy probably can't wait to go home and beat off to her copy of mein kampf. seriously, when will the other cult members learn that she is the fucking boss around here? it must be hard to get respect without the use of brainwashing kool-aid when you're like, a four foot nothing twelve year old.
'for a moment nobody spoke. at last mary anne said, "you mean like stacking tin cans in front of a door so that if the door opened, the cans would crash down and alert you?"
"exactly!" cried kristy. "that's a good idea."'
stop giving others props for their ideas! it's really no wonder you have zero control over your minions, kristin.
'she tore a piece of paper out of my social studies notebook and wrote:
1. stack cans in front of door or window (inside).
"but," she added, "make sure you don't put the stuff where the kids you're sitting for could fall over it. and make sure you put it away before the parents come home."
"right," we agreed.
"okay. other ideas? claudia?" asked kristy. she was beginning to sound like some of my teachers.'
OH. MY. GOD. SHE'S ASKING FOR IDEAS FROM OTHERS. AND FROM CLAUDIA OF ALL PEOPLE! i really am in the twilight zone right now, aren't i??
'"no," i said crossly, feeling embarrassed. then i added. "do you have any?" realizing that kristy had been doing a lot of talking and writing and not much thinking.'
HAHA, i love that claudia went there. i just wish she'd called kristy on it out loud!
there is a very awkward silence while kristy scrambles to come up with an idea. this book is blowing my mind, this kristy is blowing my mind -- she can't even come up with any ideas of her own! finally kristy suggests, "how about a smell alert?" and then bursts into very un-kristy like giggles. mary anne and stacey laugh too, but claudia doesn't because she thinks that kristy is "sounding pretty childish again." she demands to know what a smell alert is, and comes across almost janine-esque in the way she asks, "what is a smell alert, if i may ask?" if this were janine talking, claud would roast her ass.
kristy can't stop giggling, but manages to answer: "you put something really gross, like garbage, outside the house, where the burglar is bound to step in it. then when he breaks in, you smell him before you even hear him. a smell alert!"
claud's response is basically this:
she tells us that she had no intention of laughing at kristy's childish antics and ideas. instead, she says, "you know, a burglar could be a woman. it doesn't have to be a man." and so it begins…the BSC's brand of feminism: the crook could be a woman! not all crooks are men! these cookies are gingerbread people, not gingerbread men! i made a snowperson! not a snowman! snow people can be women, too! calling it a snowman is sexist!
kristy whines, "aw, claud, it was a joke, come on." claudia responds by saying, "well, i don't have any ideas." so they decide to keep thinking and write down the ribbon related code words.
kristy tells them that code words are serious business: "you guys have to keep these a secret. nobody should know our code…i'm serious now." they all agree. kristy asks if they should stick to stacey's code and mary anne asks what it was, because she forgot with all this talk of smell alerts and what not.
'"she said, 'have you found my red ribbon?'" i replied quickly, glad to be able to answer something.
"right," said kristy. "and that means that there's some kind of trouble and the baby-sitter needs the police."
"i think," i said slowly, "that we should stick with what stacey said, but that we should have a few more code words so we can give more information."
"yeah. in case there's a burglar listening in on the phone, the person who gets the phone call should answer in code to let the baby-sitter know her message was understood and that the friend knows where's she sitting and everything," added stacey.
"how about this for the answer?" suggested mary anne. "the person would say, 'no, the blue one.' it's simple, and it's still in code."
"that's good," said kristy, but i could see her shiver at the very thought of a burglar listening in on her conversation.'
it's still totally weirding me out that kristy is so easily creeped out in this book. normally she'd be the one acting like it's no big deal, maybe getting a little freaked out inside, but she wouldn't let the others know how scared she was. she'd be acting like they were scared little wimps for freaking out and pushing them to just get on with shit and run after criminals and stuff. what the hell happened to kristy? why did she change so much? was she testing all the kool-aid on herself first to figure out the maximum strength needed to drug the others into submission? did all that kool-aid testing poison her so badly that it completely changed her personality? WHAT IS THIS?!
'"i think we should also have a way to let someone know whether we're in really big trouble," said stacey, "like if a burglar is in the house and we've actually seen him -- or whether we just think there's trouble."
"yeah," i replied. "that's important."'
IT'S SO MESSED UP THAT EVERYONE BUT KRISTY IS COMING UP WITH IDEAS AND USING COMMON SENSE!! i don't know if my brain can handle this weird, alternate reality kristy.
oh good, kristy saves my brain from exploding by coming up with an idea.
phew!
'"okay," said kristy. "how about this: after the person who gets the call for help goes, 'no, the blue one,' the baby-sitter goes, 'now i'm in for it,' if there's big trouble, or, 'that's okay,' if she's not sure there's trouble?"
"all right," we agreed.'
claudia says she hopes she can keep all the codes straight, so kristy suggests that they practice. she gives claud a made up scenario where she's sitting for david michael and hears a noise at the window, then asks, "what would you do?" claud says she'd call stacey and i'm surprised kristy isn't flipping out in a jealous rage over not being the first person on the list. but then, this is bizarro kristy. she don't give many fucks, she just gets scared of shit and waits for others to come up with all the ideas and plans.
'"let's hear you conversation. remember, you don't know where the burglar is, if there is a burglar, so you have to use code."
"okay…okay, i'd pick up the phone and call stace -- "
"ring! ring! ring!" said kristy, imitating the phone.
stacey placed an imaginary receiver at her ear. "hello?"
"hi, stace. it's claud. did you see my ribbon?"'
WRONG!
'"no. have you found my red ribbon?" interrupted kristy.
"no, i haven't," i said.'
jesus christ, claud.
'"claud! come on. do it right."
"i'm trying…okay. ring, ring, ring."
"hello?" said stacey.
"hi, it's claudia. how are you?"
"not 'how are you'!" cried kristy. "get to the point. you're not making a social call. you're scared to death!"
i sighed. "hi, stacey. it's me, claudia. have you…have you found my red ribbon?"
silence. then stacey burst out laughing. "i forget what i'm supposed to say!"
kristy looked ready to kill us. "claud, call mary anne instead."'
GOOD FUCKING LUCK!
'"okay, ring, ring."
"hello?"
"hi, mary anne. it's claudia. have you found my red ribbon?"
"no, i haven't."'
OH MY GOD, GIRLS!
'"no, the blue one!" shouted kristy. "mary anne, you made up this part of the code. you ought to know it."
"i know. i just -- i don't know. start over, claud."'
so they practice until they pretty much have the code memorized, but since kristy doesn't trust them -- meaning claud -- to retain the information, she forces them to write the codes down so they don't forget and demands that they practice them once a day. claud internally monologues, 'she is so bossy sometimes.'
you don't even know the half of it yet, claudia.
and this never ending chapter still isn't over! this ebook is four hundred and one fucking pages some how and i'm on page eighty one. there's only been THREE CHAPTERS. WHAT THE FUCK?!
as the girls are getting ready to leave claud's house, mary anne claps her hand over her mouth and has a mini freak out, "oh, no!" what is it now mary anne?
mary anne flips her shit, "i just thought of something. what if my father hears about the phantom caller? i bet he won't let me baby-sit anymore." claudia points out that they'd decided not to worry about the phantom caller, but mary anne continues:
"i know, but if dad finds out about our code words, forget it. it'll give him something to worry about. i don't think he's thought of robbers and stuff."
why would he find out about your code words anyway? you should be more worried about him hearing about the phantom on the radio, or the news, or in the news paper, or from another parent or coworker bringing it up in conversation. seriously, the code words are the least of your worries, mary anne. and also, at least your dad fucking cares about you enough to worry about stuff like this. the rest of the parents in the 'brook don't give a fuck about their kids.
whatever mary anne, this chapter is already too long. i don't care.
good luck, nancy, you can't find something that doesn't exist.
and then we get the one of the worst, if not the worst, most dangerous messages in the series, which would be repeated throughout it's entirety. this is where it all started, you guys!
'"maybe we should keep all this a secret from all our parents," said kristy. "you know how parents are. mary anne's right. they're big worry-warts. let's just go on as if we never thought of any of these things today. agreed?"
"agreed!"'
the chapter ends with claudia telling us that even though the emergency meeting of the BSC was over, 'our adventure was just beginning.'
now, i'll have to ask you to please excuse me while i weep bitter tears for humanity.
my apologies for how shit this was, here is something to make up for it:
CHAPTER FOUR
this chapter opens with claudia freaking out all over us because she's had what she calls a "trevor-sighting," which she tells us are 'always a big event.' she literally follows the guy through the halls before the first bell rings, dodging passed the students who are on their way to home room. so i guess claudia was the BSC's original stalker -- not dawn, like i'd assumed. wow.
note: stalking will be a running theme throughout this entire book.
trevor comes to a stop outside the office of the literary voice, which is supposedly SMS's creative writing journal or some shit. it will conveniently vanish, never to be heard from again, before mallory even enters the sixth grade, so it's barely worth mentioning.
claudia stops abruptly and someone crashes into her from behind. they fall against some lockers and she turns to see who the fuck had the nerve to crash into her when she was just innocently going along, minding her own business and trying to stalk her beloved.
so who was it? none other than the one and only alan gray!
claudia snaps at him to watch where he's going and then we get a partial outfit description. turns out today claud is wearing a bow tie with scottie dogs on it and has given herself a truly wacky hairstyle: 'that day i had fixed it in five slim braids, and looped each one up on my head, holding them in place with beaded barrettes that had sparkly streamers attached to them,' i can't even begin to imagine how that would look. also, i sincerely hope that she has more than just a bow tie on.
'"me! what about you?" said alan as he straightened his books. then he stalked off, saying in a soft, singsong voice, "claud and trevor sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G."'
HAHA!
claud has a internal meltdown:
'oh, he makes me so mad! and how did he know about my crush on trevor, anyway? someone must have let the cat out of the bag, and i had a good idea who that someone was.'
i bet she suspects kristy, due to her big mouth and total immaturity.
i also bet that she's wrong and that just this one time kristy is actually innocent.
just then the first bell rings and claud has to run all the way to homeroom. while she's sitting through roll call and morning announcements, she fantasizes about trevor. i will type out her fantasy in it's entirety, because it's pretty fucking out there:
'our grade is being taken on a field trip to visit the colonial bradford mansion in wutherby. we're split into groups and trevor and i are in the same group. after we tour the house, we go out back to the gardens and start wandering through the giant maze made of yew hedges. trevor and i reach a dead end together and are just about to turn around when we realize it's snowing, even though it's june.
"hey, what's that?" says trevor. he points to a little wooden door hidden in the bushes.
"i don't know," i reply. "let's see. maybe we can get out of the snow for awhile."
we open the door and find ourselves in another world. the snow is gone, and so are the maze, the bradford mansion, and the other kids. we're no longer in wutherby. for all i know, we're not even on earth. maybe we're in the fourth dimension. it doesn't matter. wherever we are, we're alone together…'
so, basically they find a secret door in a maze and magically enter narnia?
claud's fantasy is rudely interrupted before anything juicy can occur, when her math teacher calls her name. turns out she'd been repeating this same fantasy in her head all day long and is now in math class. her teacher, mr. peters, is asking for her homework, 'peering at[her] with great concern.' claudia informs us that most of her teachers look at her that way. possibly because she sits through class glassy eyed and drooling, completely checked out and fantasizing about trevor? and then wakes up in class all like,
i'd be pretty fucking concerned if i were her teacher, too.
she gets her math homework out of her notebook and hands it over. she tells us that she knew it was all correct because janine had helped her with her homework over the weekend. 'she was a real stickler for math problems, as you can probably imagine.' well, good because you need the help. you'll never stop needing the help, which is why it pisses me off that all of the extra help you were getting from your family to keep you from failing stopped.
claudia mocks janine's way of talking and then reveals to us that when she and janine were little, janine 'used to be normal. we would play together and have fun. she even seemed to have some sort of an imagination, although that's hard to believe now.'
i wonder what happened? not that there's anything wrong with janine, but i wonder what it was that made her completely knuckle down and focus entirely on schoolwork? maybe seeing her sister get shipped off to that "special school" freaked her out? who knows.
i'm not going to bother snarking claudia going to class after fucking class, because that's just boring. i'm going to skim instead and see if there's anything worth noting.
ah, claud got a 70 on her vocabulary quiz. jesus, claudia has a long history of struggling with vocabulary quizzes, doesn't she? she explains away her misspelling of the word "october" -- which she'd spelled OCOBER -- by saying she knows how it's really spelled, she just spelled it incorrectly because she wasn't paying attention.
finally it's time for lunch. she spots stacey ahead of her in the hot-lunch line and calls out for her to save her a seat at their table. and i remember that this is before the BSC insisted on sitting together as a group and get a little excited.
claudia tells us that normally she would've cut ahead in line to go stand with stacey, but that stace was standing right next to some dude named alexander kurtzman, who is a mini-adult and a stickler for rules. no, really, the guy carries a briefcase to school, wears a jacket and tie -- WHERE ARE HIS PANTS??!?!! -- and 'lives to obey rules. one of his favourites is "no frontsies, no backsies." so there was really no point in trying to butt in.'
i bet the other kids in the cafeteria LOVE you, claudia, if you normally cut in line like a total jerk.
she looks around the cafeteria and spots kristy and mary anne sitting with the shillaber twins -- mariah and miranda -- and some girl named lauren hoffman, who, like the shillaber twins, will get sucked into a vortex in the next few books, never to be heard from again. claudia comments that mariah and miranda dress alike, 'i couldn't believe it. they are too old for that, i think.' whatever, claudia.
'but then, kristy and her friends can be babyish. they had even brought bag lunches that day because the hot lunch was chicken divan, which i admit is on the disgusting side. however, it's embarrassing to bring your lunch to school in seventh grade. for one thing, it gives your locker a permanent bologna odour.'
so that, my friends, is why they always buy the hot lunch, even though it's nasty as fuck, because it's embarrassing to bring your own lunch to school once you hit the age of twelve.
hey, claudia? no one is forcing you to bring bologna sandwiches to school. you can eat food that doesn't stink. and you can actually eat your lunch instead of leaving it in your locker until the end of the school year. that'd probably help. better than paying good money for food that makes you want to vomit. i guess only a total loser would rather eat good food from home than pay to eat shit, though.
claudia reminds herself that she needs to 'have a little talk with miss kristy thomas.' so, i was right, she does blame kristy for alan knowing about her crush on trevor.
she grabs her chicken divan and sits down with stacey. they're joined by their usual lunch crowd: dorianne wallingford, who claudia says has a romantic name, emily bernstein, howie johnson, pete black and rick chow.
whatever happened to dorianne, howie and rick? did they get sucked into the same vortex as the shillaber twins and lauren hoffman?
heh, for fun i did a search online for the name lauren hoffman and there is actually a singer with that name. so from now on, i will imagine that this is what happened to lauren, she didn't get sucked into a void, she just got the hell out of stoneybrook and started up a music career:
since i had such luck searching lauren hoffman, i decided to search up miranda and mariah shillaber, and oddly enough, i found a insanejournal someone made for the shillaber twins last year!
oh my god! in the friend of section of the user profile, there are journals for and gentile, dorianne wallingford, woody jefferson…so many SMS students, including stacey. what magical goldmine have i stumbled on?! they're part of a stoneybrook role playing game. my mind is officially blown.
holy crap there is even one for trevor. this is some of the most amazing shit i have ever come across. i sure hope these people are active.
well, they aren't active on the individual journals, but they are pretty active on the RPG community, up till last november, at least!
anyway, back to the snark!
claudia tells us that everyone at her table is eating the chicken divan, and that the boys have eight desserts among the three of them. 'they pack away more food at every meal than a football team does.' she quips. well, ya gotta wash down that chicken divan with something claud. i'm surprised your lunch isn't entirely made up of desserts.
by the way, i've never eaten chicken divan before, so i looked it up and found a recipe. i've come to the conclusion that SMS must REALLY fuck up the hot lunches, because chicken divan sounds like it'd be really yummy, as long as you don't massively fuck it up. i want to try making this one night. sounds almost like a chicken pot pie without the pie crust.
'"do you guys think you have enough food?" i asked, as i opened my milk carton and arranged the things on my tray.
"enough for a food sculpture," replied pete.
"oh, no! not today!" i exclaimed with a giggle. the guys had been bringing toothpicks to school and using their milk cartons and garbage and stuff to make food creations. once they made mrs. pinelli, the music teacher. they gave her noodle hair, grape eyes, and an apple head. we got yelled at for wasting food.'
see, this is where kristy is failing. instead of making disgusting comments about the food, she should be making disgusting sculptures with the food. then she would win claudia and stacey's respect. not that she needs to win it, when she already demands it, but whatever.
dorianne ignores the boys and their food sculpting, 'she nibbled at her chicken and looked tragic. she can be very dramatic sometimes.' claudia tells us. which makes me fucking snort laughing, because jesus fucking christ, the BSC are the most dramatic attention whores in the whole school!
'"what is it?" i asked her finally.
dorianne sighed loudly. the boys stopped scarfing up their food and looked at her. "we got robbed last night," she said. i dropped my fork with a clatter and almost choked on a mouthful of carrots. "you did?"
"well…not us exactly."'
okay, that is pretty attention whorish.
'"who exactly?"
"nana and cramps. and it looks like the work of…the phantom caller!"
i think my heart actually stopped beating for a few moments.
"the phantom caller?" i squeaked.
dorianne nodded her head tragically.
"wh-where do you grandparents live?" i asked, dreading her answer.
"in new hope." dorianna allowed a tiny bit of chicken to enter her mouth.'
jesus, it sounds like dorianne sure does love to pick at her food. surprised claudia isn't making cracks in her head/to us about dorianne dieting or suspecting that she has anorexia, like the cult did with stacey just one book ago. i guess she's not close enough to dorianne to care either way. i mean, she already thinks the girl is a drama queen, she probably chalks everything dorianne does up to being dramatic and attention seeking.
'i let out a sigh of relief. so the caller was back in new hope. "oh, well," i said. "in new hope. that's okay."
"claudia, what are you talking about? he got nana's sapphire and diamond engagement ring and her diamond choker."'
wow, a diamond fucking choker? dorianne's cramps must have had some mad cash, yo!
also, i feel bad for fictional nana and cramps, being robbed would fucking suck. i hope they had the ring and choker insured at least.
also part two, claudia is totally insensitive. she needs to learn to think before she speaks.
'"i'm sorry, dor," i said. "i didn't mean…it's just that, well, it's better than if he were robbing houses here in stoneybrook, isn't it?"
dorianne gave me a funny look. "i guess."'
the awkward is strong in this conversation.
there are some brief hijinks when half a banana falls off a tower of milk cartons the boys had made as part of their food sculpture and lands in emily's chicken divan, causing the chicken to splatter on her mohair sweater.
'"ew, ew!" she cried. "rick! look what you did! my sister is going to kill me!"
"why is your sister going to kill you?" he asked.
"because this is her sweater."'
oops! claudia takes emily into the girls' room to help her wash the chicken off of the sweater. good fucking luck with that, girls! while claud is sponging down emily's sister's sweater with damp paper towels, emily leans forward and whispers to her, asking, "so, what is this i hear about you and trevor sandbourne?" jesus, word spreads fast in middle school.
'my heart stopped beating again. if that kept up, i wouldn't live to see thirteen.'
HAHAHAHAHA!! don't worry claud! you'll not only live to see thirteen, you will remain thirteen FOREVER.
claudia checks the stalls to make sure no one else is in the girls' room and says, "nothing. and what did you hear?"
'"that you like him."
"who'd you hear it from?"
"dorianne."
"who'd she hear it from?"
emily shrugged. "i don't know."
"well, i know something. i know that kristy thomas has a big, fat mouth."
"kristy!" exclaimed emily. "what does she care about stuff like this?"
"she cares." but emily's words made me think. this wasn't the kind of thing kristy cared about…but she was a blabbermouth.'
yeah, kristy is a blabbermouth all right, but this ISN'T something she'd give a shit about. not unless you and trevor started dating and he took up so much of your free time that you couldn't baby-sit. gossiping about your imaginary love life isn't exactly on the top of kristy's list of priorities.
'i threw away the paper towels. "there," i said to emily. "i think the spots are gone."
"thanks, claud."
as we walked out into the hall, we ran into kristy and mary anne. "thanks for nothing!" i said to kristy.
"what's that supposed to mean?"
emily raised an eyebrow at us and disappeared into the cafeteria.'
yeah, probably best to get out of the way before the hair pulling and face scratching starts, emily.
'"you told about tr -- " i realized i was almost yelling, so i lowered my voice to a whisper. " -- about trevor."
"i did not!" kristy whispered back.
"well, everyone seems to know about us. even alan gray."
"why would i speak to alan gray?" hissed kristy.
i paused. "beats me."
"beats me, too."
suddenly i felt bad. "i'm sorry, kristy. i just can't figure out how everyone knows about this."'
maybe kids have noticed you stalking him in the hallways?! dumb ass.
'"who else did you tell?" asked mary anne.
"just you guys and stacey."
"well, i didn't say anything."
"and i don't think stacey would."
"it's a mystery," said kristy.'
a mystery within a mystery, you guys, what the BSC books fail at the hardest!
'"yeah." a mystery. i liked the sound of that. but i still didn't like everyone knowing my private business.'
no kidding, i mean, if pretty much everyone knows, that means that sooner or later, word will get around to trevor. funny how claud isn't even thinking of this.
she apologizes to kristy again and tells her and mary anne that she'll see them at the meeting that afternoon. mary anne and kristy say, "okay," and then head into the girls' room together to make out or something, and claudia heads back into the cafeteria.
claudia tells her that two good things happened that day. the first was obviously her trevor sighting/stalking, the second was mr. taylor, the most absent principle in history, making a Very Special Intercom Announcement before the final bell: the school is having it's very first dance -- ever? of the semester? whatever, it's the first of way too many in this series, that's for damned sure! -- on october 31st: the halloween hop! the students are informed that costumes aren't required, but that they are welcome.
there ya go claud, you don't have to hang out at home handing out candy, you get to go to a dance instead! i'm sure trevor sandbourne will be super impressed and turned on by that smurf costume you've been planning!
the chapter ends on claud's dreamy sighs:
'i sighed dreamily. the halloween hop. would trevor go? more important, would he ask me to go? well, he might -- but not if he didn't know who i was. that would be crucial in getting an invitation. i sighed again. the second sigh was hopeless. after all, trevor didn't even know i was alive.'
whatever, claudia. ever since i learned what chicken divan actually is, i've been haunted by the imagined smell of creamy chicken and broccoli. it's making me fucking crazy and i don't even really like chicken. so thanks for that. thanks for making me salivate over a dinner that exists only in my mind. i'm going to have to buy the ingredients this week and try making this, or else this is going to bug me forever.
CHAPTER FIVE
oh man! a baby-sitting chapter? fuck, fine. i'll do it, but only because it'll probably end up being relevant to the main plot for a change.
claudia arrives at the newton house to baby-sit for jamie. this is before lucy was born so at least we won't have to hear a BSC member raving about how awesome babies are, how the children are our future and huffing lucy's diapers or something.
jamie answers the door -- yup, a three year old answered the front door! super safe! -- with his standard "hi-hi!" greeting. claud informs us that she and kristy are jamie's favourite sitters and he's always glad to see them. sucks to be mary anne and stacey, i guess. but you don't see them spinning out into a jealous rage or trying to prove what awesome sitters they are and one-up each other over it. nope, ann saves that particular brand of bullshit for "little miss stoneybrook…and dawn!"
claudia greets jamie back by saying hi and then asking if he's ready to play. no wonder she's one of his favourite sitters.
mrs. newton appears behind jamie and says hello and that claudia is right on time. this leads to claud telling us that mrs. newton is one of her "favourite people in the whole world." why?
'she never asks me about school, but she always asks me about my art and tells me she likes what i'm wearing.'
do clients EVER ask them about school though? they usually just give last minute instructions and book it the fuck out of the house and away from their kids. the only client i can think of who ever shows any real interest in any of the sitter's lives is charlotte's mom, and that's only because stacey is a Super Special, Super Fragile Diabetic and she's a doctor. but whatever.
claud then tells us that mrs. newton is pregnant and that jamie will have a little brother or sister soon. not just 'soon', she tells us, but 'very soon. mrs. newton is so big she looks as if she should fall over forward instead of standing up straight.' if my memory is correct, this won't be the last time one of these girls makes some sort of snide remark about how "big/huge" a pregnant woman is and then expand on that comment to make it seem even shittier/more offensive.
mrs. newton compliments claudia on her barrettes and asks where she got them. claud tells us that her barrettes were teddy bears with streamers attached to them. teddy bears are in, i guess. just like sheep. sheep are always in. she tells mrs. barrette that she got them at the merry-go-round for three dollars and seventy-five cents. wow, that's like, what? a whole eight hours worth of baby-sitting wages for you girls? you gotta start charging more if you're going to keep yourself in teddy bear barrettes, claud!
mrs. newton says that maybe she'll get a pair, not for herself but for the baby. she tells claudia that she's hoping for a girl, but she spells the word "girl" out, so it probably went right over claudia's head. she tells claud that she has to spell it out because jamie wants a "B-O-Y." poor claudia must be so lost right now.
luckily mrs. newton saves her by asking how her art classes are going and what she's working on. claudia tells her she's doing two oil paintings -- a still life and that portrait of mimi she mentioned back in the first chapter. mrs. newton asks what the still life is, so claudia tells her (and us): "an egg, a checkered napkin, a wooden spoon, and a pitcher." mrs. newton says that the egg must be difficult. claud says it is but that she likes working on it.
hey, i'm bored. is anyone else bored? let's take a break for a minute from this boring small talk…
fucking. mesmerizing.
mrs. newton finally gets going, telling claud she'll be at the doctor's for a checkup and then she's going to the post office and the grocery store. she'll be home by five o'clock at the latest.
claudia asks jamie if he wants to go outside and play and of course he does -- it's 1986, over twenty years before even toddlers would practically be born with electronic devices fused to their hands. claudia tells us that she was glad he did because she was 'just a little afraid of the phantom caller. i knew he usually struck after dark, and i knew he hadn't robbed anyone in stoneybrook -- yet -- but i was still scared.' understandable.
mrs. newton leaves and claudia puts jamie's jacket on him -- because she isn't one of those horrible gum chewing, cigarette smoking sitters from the baby-sitters agency that believes in turning children into childsicles -- and they go outside and play in the backyard. the newton's backyard has a slide, swingset and jungle gym. jamie is one lucky son of a gun, that's an awesome yard to have as a kid! claud also informs us that the yard is completely surrounded by a tall stockade fence.
she pushes jamie on the swing for a bit and then he showed off some trick he'd learned on the jungle gym. claud is facing the house, watching jamie, when she sees something that almost makes her soil herself:
'a light came on downstairs in the newtons' house. it lit up the living room, but it didn't look like a living room light. maybe it was in the front hall.
a chill ran up my spine.
i looked at my watch. four o'clock. mrs. newton should have been with the doctor right then. besides, if she'd come back, i would have heard her car pull up and the door slam.
as i stared at the house, the light went off.
i gasped.'
take jamie and walk to your house, claudia. or kristy, mary anne or stacey's house. or the house of another client. you know everyone in this town and sit for almost every single family, if you're scared, you can go to someone and tell them what's going on and get them to call the cops and have them sent to the newton house. it's better to be safe than sorry.
i know i've said this before, but i wish these girls would get adults involved when shit like this happens. it wouldn't even have to be every single time -- even fifty percent of the time would've been a massive improvement over the cult's motto of never getting adults involved, no matter how serious a situation is. i've said it before and i'll say it again, this is SUCH a dangerous message to have in books for kids.
claudia tries to rationalize what she's seeing: 'maybe it was some kind of illusion -- like a street lamp. but why would a street lamp turn on and then go off?
i decided to ignore the light.'
NO! BAD CLAUDIA, BAD!! VERY BAD AND VERY STUPID!
she and jamie play around some more while i sit here seething with rage.
the phone rings from inside the house and jamie gets excited, thinking his daddy is calling. claudia tells us: 'i'd been hoping he wouldn't hear it. i hadn't planned to answer it.' but jamie runs for the house, calling for claudia to "come on!"
'i knew i should answer the phone. as a baby-sitter, that was one of my responsibilities. but i was too afraid. i stooped down. "just a second," i called. "my shoe's untied." i took long enough untying and retying my sneaker so that by the time i caught up with jamie at the back door, the phone was no longer ringing. "i'm sorry, jamie," i said. "look, if it was your dad, he'll call back."'
she tells us that jamie didn't seem too upset, he just sat down on the patio and played with his toy dump trunk. until he hears a noise and asks claudia what it is:
'"hey, what was that?"
"what was what?
"that noise."
"what noise?"
pat, pat, pat.
"that noise."
i had heard it, too. footsteps on the driveway, on the other side of the stockade fence.'
'i didn't know what to do. i was afraid to take jamie into the house, but the only way to leave the newtons' yard was through the gate in the fence. and the gate opened onto the driveway.'
claudia tells jamie that "maybe it was the paperboy." but jamie shakes his head, saying that the paperboy doesn't come to the house. "he stands in the street and throws the paper into the flower garden."
gotta admit, that actually made me chuckle.
they hear more pat pat pat-ing footsteps. so what does claudia do?
'"hey," i whispered, "let's be spies. let's sneak up to the fence and peek through the knothole by the gate."'
yeah, cuz that's a really smart thing to do if you're afraid there's even a chance that there's someone dangerous prowling around outside the fence!
jamie agrees to go along with this stupid plan, because he's three years old and also because he loves claudia and absolutely believes this is a fun game she's come up with.
'i took jamie's hand and we tiptoed across the grass to the gate. very cautiously, i closed one eye and put the other one up to the hole.
a brown eye was looking back at me!
i screamed.
jamie screamed.
the person attached to the brown eye screamed.
that last scream sounded awfully familiar. "kristy?" i said.
"claudia?" the gate opened and kristy came in, trembling.'
claudia, you are so fucking lucky it was just your cult leader coming to check up on you/up your dose of kool-aid. so. fucking. lucky.
'"what were you doing?" i shouted.
"trying to find you," she said. "hi, jamie."
"hi-hi."
"i thought you were the -- PC," i said, nodding toward jamie.'
good thing she didn't actually try to spell out phantom caller, can you imagine?: "i thought you were the F-A-N-N-T-U-M K-O-L-L-R"
kristy apologizes and says her mom got off work early, so she didn't have to sit for david michael, "i knew you were baby-sitting here, mom sent me over with something for mrs. newton and i wanted to see how you were doing. i was sort of worried about the -- PC myself."
claudia asks her if she turned on the light in the newtons' house. and yup, that was fucking kristy, too. way to scare the crap out of your friend, kristin! "mom made a casserole for the newtons since mrs. newton doesn't feel much like cooking anymore. i had to put on a light so i wouldn't trip with it on my way to the refrigerator. then i went back outside to look for you guys."
wait a fucking second, was the front door unlocked? seriously? how the fuck would kristy get in unless the front door was unlocked? that is incredibly fucking unsafe and stupid. i know, i know, small town, people probably don't lock their doors during the day, but seriously?!? SERIOUSLY!?! claudia is a child, baby-sitting an even younger child, and is afraid of the phantom caller breaking in, yet she doesn't LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR?!?!
stupid. stupid. stupid.
claud says, "i guess that wasn't you on the phone then," instead of asking "HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN THE HOUSE, KRISTY?!?!"
'kristy's eyes opened wide. "the phone rang?"
"just a couple of minutes ago, while you were walking around looking for us."
"did you answer it?"
"no, we -- we missed it."
"i bet it was daddy," said jamie.
kristy and i exchanged knowing looks.'
the chapter ends with kristy actually doing the right thing. or, well, as close to it as we can expect from a series where they refuse to go to adults for help:
'"do you want me to stay for awhile?" asked kristy.
"yes!" said jamie and i, for different reasons.
kristy can be a blabbermouth and a baby, but she can also be a very good friend.'
well, it's so early on in the series that calling kristy a "very good friend" isn't exactly a lie. not yet, anyway. she hasn't turned into a total dictator. that doesn't really start to happen until after dawn joins. she must've felt super fucking threatened by dawn if she had to crack down that hard on all of her friends and turn into a raging power hungry monster.
welp, that's all for now, folks! i'll try to post part three asap! there are some new snarky things on my blog as well, in case anyone is interested! :)