#130 STACEY'S MOVIE, PART FIVE! :D
well, we're finally at the end! thanks for all the great comments on the last four parts, i promise i'll be getting back to the comments asap! and i hope you all enjoy part five!
part one
part two
part three
part four
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
aw crap, more of kristy filming shit. i don't even care right now. seriously.
'sunday
this wasn't exactly a baby-sitting job.'
then why are you writing it up in the club notebook, kristy? i'm sure no one fucking cares. they bitch about having to read/write in the notebook enough as it is, without having to read about shit that isn't even baby-sitting related.
'we filmed rose wilder while her parents were there. rosie, who's a born performer, would be a perfect subject, i thought. it seemed though, that lately i've thought a lot of things that weren't so. being wrong -- what a weird and annoying experience.'
you're wrong most of the time, kristy, you just refuse to admit it.
stacey tells us that when kristy told her she'd decided to put rosie in her 'stoneybrook's funniest kids' film, she'd thought it was a 'stroke of genius.' because everything kristy does is lauded as being a stroke of fucking genius. and also, how would rosie fit into a film about the town's funniest kids? did her stage-smother force her to start taking a comedy improv class or something? cuz if not, i doubt kristy is going to catch anything "funny" on film.
stacey rattles off rosie's list of achievements and talents, which only goes to further my point: 'at seven, she's already appeared on tv several times and in a commercial or two. she's studied piano, ballet, violin, voice and tap.'
*slaps knee and laughs uproariously* HILARIOUS!
wait, no, the exact fucking opposite of that.
stacey tells us that from kristy's point of view, rosie was guaranteed to 'deliver something great she could use in the film.' yeah, right. but then, kristy's film already sucks so much ass i'm sure it couldn't get any less funny than it already is. i hope kristy gets an F because her movie stinks.
mrs. stage-smother asks kristy, alan, logan and anna if they can have a copy of the video when it's done, probably thinking it will be good for her resume or portfolio or whatever. kristy says, "sure, but she won't be the only one in it." and mr. stage-father makes me roll my eyes angrily when he replies, "no problem, we have a friend who is a film editor. we'll just have the other children cut out." yeah, god forbid the agent/client sees one of the other kids in the film and wants to give them a job, amiright? mrs. stage-mother adds, "we want to expand rosie's on-camera portfolio, that's what casting agents look for, how the child projects on screen."'
i thought rosie finally convinced the stage parents to let her cut down on some fucking activities in "claudia and the genius of elm street"? i guess that lasted all of one fucking book because it sounds like they're going at her even harder than ever. it would serve these idiots right if she wound up like lindsay lohan or something. i mean, not so good for rosie, of course, but something has to happen to make her parents realize they're pushing their kid way too hard when it comes to all of these classes and their obsession with show business. this kid will grow up without ever having an actual childhood.
rosie comes out of the kitchen and says hi to kristy, adding, "you want me to be in your movie? that's what mom told me."
'"that's right," kristy said. "how about telling a joke?"
"okay," rosie agreed.
kristy hurried to ready her camera. she focused on rosie.
"knock, knock," rosie began.
alan hovered next to kristy. "a knock-knock joke?" he said.
"go away. this is great."'
is it really though, kristy? is it really? or are you just desperate?
'"who's there?" rosie continued.
"dwayne. dwayne who? dwayne the tub--i'm dwowning."'
yeah kristy, that's "great" all right, a great big pile of FAIL.
kristy keeps the camera trained on rosie and stacey tells us that the joke 'wasn't exactly a riot' but that 'rosie had lots of energy.' your film is going to blow, kristy, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
'as rosie stared blankly into the lens, kristy put the camera down. "rosie, do you know any comedy?" rosie looked baffled. "didn't you think that was funny?"'
NO!!
'"it was good but…i need something more."
"show them what you did when you auditioned for the waffle commercial last week," mr. wilder suggested. rosie frowned. "but i didn't get the part."
"we don't know that yet, honey," her mother said. "these things take time."'
i hope this is only the beginning of rosie failing to land jobs, it'd probably be her salvation to be honest.
'"oh, all right," rosie relented. "but i need a waffle." mrs. wilder hurried into the kitchen and returned with a frozen waffle. she held the waffle up beside rosie. "go ahead, rosie. say what you said at that audition. wally's waffles weally taste gweat."'
'"wally's waffles really taste great," rosie repeated without much excitement.
kristy filmed it. "not funny," alan murmured in her ear.'
i couldn't agree more, alan.
'she knew it wasn't funny. "all right, alan," she whispered angrily. "you tell me when you see something funny and when you want me to film it."
alan threw his arms out wide. "at last!" he cried.'
seriously! but i have to add that the ebook had a really unfortunate typo in place of alan's name. it said 'anal' instead of 'alan.'
FAILBOOK!
kristy glares at anal alan and rosie apologizes, "i'm sorry that wasn't very good." well, you're certainly not ready for the just for laughs festival, rosie, but i'm sure after kristy and the crew leave, your smothering stage parents will be on the phone to sign you up for some comedy classes, just in case.
rosie continues, "i didn't like wally's waffles much so it was hard to say that."
'"that's okay," kristy told her. "i know you like to tap. could you dance for us?"
alan coughed pointedly, but she ignored him.'
of course she did.
rosie agrees and runs upstairs to get her tap shoes. seconds later she is running back down the stairs, in said tap shoes, announcing that she needs music.
and then, disaster strikes.
'suddenly, rosie's face took on a look of complete horror as she slipped on the wood floor, waving her arms for balance.
"film! film!" alan urgently instructed kristy.'
oh, no! not you too, alan!
how did we, as a society, come to think that people getting injured is the height of hilarity?
'without thinking, she obeyed.'
but their plans for getting big laughs out of kids getting injured are foiled by one logan bruno:
"logan leaped across the room and caught rosie just as she was about to crash to the floor. they landed in a heap in the corner of the room.
like the football player he is, logan had even managed to catch a vase as it fell from a table. he sat there with rosie in his lap and a vase in his hand.'
i don't know whether or not to call bullshit on that even being possible. i don't think a thirteen year old kid would have the coordination needed to pull that off, but who the fuck knows. i'm going to just shut up and stop questioning shit for now. my brain needs a rest from all of the mental gymnastics these books put it through.
'"rosie!" mr. wilder cried as he hurried across the room toward his daughter. anna followed him.
"oh, dear," exclaimed mrs. wilder.
rosie's face blossomed into a luminous smile and she turned to logan. "you saved my life!" she announced dramatically. then she laid a big kiss on logan as she wrapped her arms around him.'
somehow i don't see even a seven year old being able to pull off kissing a boy in front of her parents without being totally embarrassed. just saying.
'"cut," alan told kristy.
she put the camera down and grinned at him.
"now that was funny," he said.
kristy had to agree. without alan she might have missed the funniest thing in the film so far.
"okay, director," kristy said to alan. "what do you want to do next?"'
FINALLY! SOME FUCKING RESPECT!
'"maybe we can ask rosie to talk about going to auditions," he suggested. "we might get some funny comments from her."
"all right," kristy agreed.'
at this point, rosie has gotten to her feet and is 'feeling fine.' yeah, i'm sure, she just had her first kiss after all. too bad it was with that jerk logan.
alan asks her if she can tell them about her auditions and what they are like. the chapter mercifully ends on rosie telling a story about a casting agent…
'"some of the people you meet are really weird," she began. "there was a casting agent once who looked like Cruella DeVil." rosie tossed her head back. she made a face and began to prance across the room. "she looked like this."
"action," alan told kristy. and she turned on the camera.'
ah, respect at last. but sadly, it won't last long. in 'claudia's disaster date' when she starts going out with alan, kristy is back to being a total shitstain about him.
oh well. for now, let's just enjoy this rare moment.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
man, i can't believe i'm at chapter fourteen already. the last snark took so damned long to write that i forgot how quickly these things can go. the last book was such a long, hard slog and sucked so hard that it wore me the fuck out trying to work on it. at least this one was able to hold my attention. and i kind of hate to say that enjoyed it a lot more, too.
okay, so we're still stuck on this never-ending sunday. stacey has just gotten home from her interview and maureen is asking her if she's hungry. stace says yes, but that she has to do something before they eat. she grabs the cordless phone from the kitchen, sits down on the stairs with it and dials mary anne's number.
'"hi, it's stacey," i said when she picked up.
"oh…hello." definitely a frosty reception. but i couldn't blame her.
"listen, i understand why you're mad," i said. "i just came from my interview and now i know how difficult it is. you start to feel trapped and say things that aren't exactly what you mean."'
finally, she fucking gets it.
it's just too bad it took going through it herself to understand why mary anne has been so fucking upset about the whole mess. if she hadn't had a shitty interview herself, she never would've gotten to this point.
'"that's right," mary anne agreed. "i don't hate my mother. that's just how i was feeling at that moment. and i only hated her because she wasn't there -- because i would love for her to still be alive. but the word hate is so ugly and it's all you hear."
"i know. in my interview i made it sound as if i lived in a home with constant screaming. but that isn't true. it was only toward the end, and for just a couple of months. most of the time i was pretty happy. it didn't come out sounding that way, though."'
you know what, stacey? you're actually really lucky that the fighting and screaming only lasted for a couple of months. it still sucks that they got divorced, but you really are lucky in that one respect.
'mary anne sighed. "now it's taped and we're stuck with it, i suppose."
"maybe not," i disagreed. "i'm going to try again, really hard. i can't promise, but maybe it's not too late to persuade my group to make some cuts."'
good fucking luck with that, stacey.
mary anne wishes her good luck, too, and they hang up. stacey tells us that she didn't know how she was going to do it or if she even could, but that she was 'determined to try [her] best.' as i said, good luck.
we get to skip the rest of sunday, thank god, and head straight into monday's short takes class, where ms. murphy is telling them about how editing is one of the most important parts of the film process, blah blah, and shows them how to use the editing equipment. i'll spare you the boring details, because i'm sure any equipment they are using has been obsolete for at least a decade. and also because this snark is probably already way too long.
at one point in the class, stacey asks, "what if something in a documentary would embarrass someone? is it all right to take it out?"
'emily turned and frowned. i glanced at erica and pete. they listened intently for ms. murphy's reply. she folded her arms and gave a small sigh. "that is a very difficult question but an important one," she answered. "i can't give you one simple rule because it's something you have to decide for yourself. explosive material makes for dynamic, award-winning films. what price are you willing to pay for that? only you can say."'
i'm sure emily would be all for making a deal with a crossroads demon in exchange for an award-winning career in journalism, just as kristy would be perfectly willing to sell her soul to the devil himself to stay a thirteen year old dictator forever, but is stacey willing to go to the same lengths for a school project? i mean, she never even expressed the slightest interest in filmmaking until this book, but who the hell knows with these girls.
'i wasn't exactly surprised by her answer, but i was a little disappointed. i guess i'd been hoping she'd say people come first, or something along those lines. that way i could go to emily, erica and pete saying, "you heard what ms. murphy said." it wasn't going to be that easy, though.'
suzanne takes a break from the actual plot so she can have stacey explain how to use mid-90's video editing equipment, but as i said before, i'll spare us all the details.
after ms. murphy is done showing them how to use the equipment, she gets them to break into their groups and discuss how they want to work. stacey's group is next to kristy's and she overhears the unthinkable:
'before we began talking, i actually heard kristy say, "well, what do you think, alan?"
amazing!'
i'll second that!
pete has an idea that will severely date their film and is excited to tell the others all about it:
'"i had this great idea," pete began, pulling my attention back to my own crew. "i was thinking we could use music from the radio that's popular exactly this week. that way we could indicate the time of the video without having to say this is such and such a time."'
by that logic, wouldn't that mean that these books take place in the 1950's?
erica loves the idea of dating their movie into cheesy hilarity for the future generations and asks pete if he knows how to do that. he says he'll film his radio playing, "and mark the music in and out on the audio channel while the visuals are playing." sounds overly complex and time consuming.
emily says that since they didn't shoot any credits, she could just type up an opening with their names. stacey says that's great but then she gets down to business:
'"now we need to discuss something else. after my interview, i understood better how mary anne felt. can we please think about cutting her out? it's not as if we don't have enough material. i'd like part of my interview to come out, too, but we can leave that in if we take mary anne's out."'
wow, she's actually not only going out on a limb for mary anne, but is offering to throw herself under the bus for mary anne's sake! well, after all that bullshit in sea city she owes her a huge favour. it's about damned time she started paying off her debt.
'"no!" emily cried. "no way."
"wait a minute," pete said. "i think i agree with stacey. we interviewed friends. you guys knew things about the people you interviewed that you wouldn't have known if they had been strangers. so you had an advantage another interviewer wouldn't have had."
"that's true," i agreed. "you knew my parents were divorced. if you didn't, you'd have had to wait for me to reveal that and maybe i never would have."
"you're putting friendship over filmmaking," emily said stubbornly.'
damn right she is! and about fucking time, too! these girls may not actually be "the best friends you'll ever have" but mary anne is pretty damned loyal considering everything and she would NEVER pull this kind of shit on stacey or anyone else. i hope that when emily becomes an actual journalist, her bullshit "rules of journalism" will keep her warm at night, because she is going to be one lonely, soulless fucking shark.
'"so what?" i said loudly. (everyone in the room turned to look at me.) i lowered my voice. "yes. i suppose that's my decision. to me, friendship is more important than our project."'
GOOD FOR YOU!
'"don't you care about the truth?" emily asked.
"this isn't a film about truth. it's about the feelings of middle school kids. and i care about mary anne's feelings."'
'"erica is the director," emily said. "it's her decision. what do you think, erica?"
a panicked expression came over erica. she seemed uncomfortable about including mary anne's portion of the film against her wishes. maybe she'd come through for me. after all, she'd helped me out when my interview had grown uncomfortable.
"what do you think?" i pressed. "you know how awkward it can make you feel to be taped."
"do i really have to decide?" she asked unhappily.
"you're the director," emily pointed out.
"all right," she said. "my decision is…mary anne stays."'
DAMN IT, ERICA!
stacey thumps her desk angrily and sits back 'hard' in her seat. she tells us that she felt the impulse to walk out in protest and she actually begins standing up to do just that, when an idea strikes her and she sits her ass back down.
the chapter ends with stacey thinking:
'there might actually be a way to fix this. i only hoped i could come up with new material interesting enough to make the others want to use it.'
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
jesus, it's the last chapter already!
i hope this book ends on one of ann's "letters from the author" bullshitting sprees. i fucking love those, because you can pretty much always tell that she didn't even bother to read the finished product before writing the damned things, they have so little to do with the actual book or it's contents. it's fucking hilarious.
okay, let's do this.
at the end of the BSC meeting that afternoon, stacey breaks the bad news of her group's refusal to cut mary anne's scene to her once again.
'"i don't believe them!" she cried. "why can't they see that--?"
i held up my hand to stop her. "i have an idea. maybe the answer isn't to cut, but to add."'
'"i don't get it."
i reached into my backpack and took out my mom's camera, which i'd brought from home.
"oh, no," she protested the moment she saw it. "i'm never appearing on film again as long as i live. not even at a birthday party."'
i don't blame you, mary anne.
she starts booking it for the door, but stacey jumps in front of her and says, "listen to me. this can work. we can explain what you really meant." mary anne stops to think and then says she doesn't know. stacey promises her that if she doesn't like what she films, stacey won't use it and that mary anne can just say "off the record" and stacey will "burn it or drown it or whatever."
now that's a hell of a lot more respectful than emily's bullshit. i'm sure i've said it before somewhere in this snark already, but i'll say it again: i am ashamed to share a name with her. she truly is a shark the way she's been circling her friends looking for blood.
mary anne is smarter than most people take her for, because she does this, which is pretty fucking awesome:
'"give me the camera," she said after a moment. she studied the controls briefly, then turned it on me. "now, say, 'if mary anne doesn't approve of this film, i can't use it," she instructed me.'
NICE!
stacey tells us that she obliged, so mary anne handed the camera back to her. mary anne sits down on claudia's bed and stacey aims the camera at her and starts rolling.
'"mary anne, can you tell me how you were feeling the other day when we filmed you?" i asked.
"yes," she began. "i was having a bad day. i'd had an argument with my stepmother, sharon, who is a really wonderful person. but even the best person on earth can annoy you sometimes and…"'
the scene ends before we get to hear the rest of what mary anne has to say, sadly. stacey just says, 'the interview went from there.' BOO!
she tells us that her group spent the rest of the week editing their film. oh, and pete fell in love and became obsessed with the editing system. because he needs a girlfriend. the book straight up says, 'pete fell in love with the video editing system. he became obsessed with filming sound, creating audio effects, making visual montages.' i guess he's found his passion. we haven't seen him this fired up since he developed that mad crush on laine.
pete and emily bitched each other out over the editing, but stacey tells us that she and erica were less involved. on wednesday she does pull her head out of her ass long enough to ask if they are going to be using the new film she submitted of mary anne. emily says that they're not sure yet, because she's a sadist.
'"that's as much a part of the film as the rest of it," i insisted. "it's just on another piece of tape."
"we aren't that far along," pete told me. "i'll rewind it and you can see it from the beginning."
it looked great. they'd cut the interviews so that only the most dramatic parts were used. and pete had selected perfect music to introduce each interview.'
no fucking way will this film end up being only ten minutes.
after seeing what they have so far and raving about how awesome it is, stacey goes back to begging them to use the new stuff she filmed. "use what i gave you, please," she begs.
and then we cut AGAIN! to thursday. the dismissal bell has rung and stacey heads into the short takes class room only to find kristy and her team checking out their finished film and 'laughing hysterically.'
'on the monitor, rosie kissed logan and announced, "you saved my life!"'
i could be wrong, but doesn't rosie kiss logan after saying that he saved her life? yup, i just checked and she does kiss him after. continuity: what is it? how does it work?
stacey tells kristy and her group that the film looks good. logan thanks her and says he can't wait to show it tomorrow. pft, i'm sure you can't wait to show mary anne and all of the SMS football team what a "hero" you are. newsflash, bruno, the guys in school are probably going to laugh their balls off at you making out with a seven year old. and mary anne will probably just dissolve into a puddle of jealous tears because you let another girl kiss you, seven years old or not, it doesn't matter to the queen of jealous rage fantasies.
logan asks stacey how her project is coming along and stacey tells him that she was hoping to "sneak a look" at it. methinks she doesn't trust her group-mates to do the right thing. kristy tells her that pete was just in there finishing up when they arrived. "i saw him take the tape out of the machine and leave with it. it looked as if he was just doing some last minute editing."
stacey phones pete repeatedly once she gets home but keeps getting his machine. ouch. she tells us that she kept calling him because she had to know if she could invite mary anne to the 'special premiere' of the class movies that was scheduled for the next day after school. i'm guessing that means that if he left the video as is (and didn't add the bit stacey and mary anne filmed together) then she was going to…not invite her? pretend that the 'premiere' had been cancelled? what? anyway, moving along…
stacey becomes paranoid when he doesn't answer the phone after what is probably her hundredth consecutive call, and wonders if he is purposely ignoring her calls. uh, he has a family, right? unless he's home alone right now or has a private line like claudia, wouldn't the rest of his family be getting pretty fucking annoyed right about now with the phone ringing off the hook and answer it themselves? maybe they got annoyed with her obsessive calls and took the phone off the hook, thinking that she was dogging him with another pregnancy scare or something.
'finally around nine-thirty, his mother picked up and called him to the phone.'
damn, girl. you were calling him for fucking hours! his mother must've been pissed.
'"do i need to apologize to mary anne?" i asked him directly. "i know you did the final cut."
"i think she'll like it," he answered. "i mean…i think so. i guess i could be wrong."
"should i invite her to the premiere?" i asked.
"i wonder if you'll be able to keep her away," he replied.'
wow, pete, you're one confusing boy. but i take it you added in her second interview? i guess we'll just have to wait to find out…
but we won't have to wait long, because we skip ahead to friday after school! huzzah!
stacey is anxiously waiting outside the auditorium with claudia for the big premiere. and i have to say, i can't write the word "premiere" in the context of their little kiddy middle school films without rolling my eyes so hard it hurts. stacey is clutching her pearls and wringing her hands simultaneously as she wails, "i told her to come but i don't know if i should have," to claud.
'"she was determined to see it for herself," claudia replied. "it wouldn't have mattered what you said."'
probably not. maybe she'll show up in disguise in a desperate bid to avoid public humiliation. but knowing these girls and their idea of disguises, her disguise would just be really fucking obvious.
it'd pretty much end up looking like this:
'mary anne showed up just then. she waved but wore an anxious expression.'
aw, damn it, no disguise? maybe her anxious expression was supposed to be a disguise. if so, FAIL, MARY ANNE, you always look anxious and on the verge of tears. should've worn your Tigger halloween costume.
hey, at least it would've been a distraction from what's happening on screen, you guys!
'"stacey, whatever it is, i'll deal with it," she said as she joined us. "the important thing to me is that you tried."'
see, that's a good friend right there. and also very strong of mary anne, all things considered.
stacey thanks her and realizes…something? the ebook is missing words or something, because it says: 'i realized that it matter to me too.' WHAAAAT?? but she adds, 'i'd taken a stand and let the others know how i felt.' good for you?
mary anne, stacey and claudia wait for the rest of the cult to show up so they can walk into the auditorium together. because they can't even take a single step in public unless they are in a group. what are you so afraid of girls? why you always gotta be attached at the hip? is this a safety in numbers thing? is it because unless kristy is there to provide oxygen for the entire group, the rest of you forget about a little thing called breathing? you inhale and then you exhale, rinse, repeat, dummies, it's really not that hard. you don't need kristy to survive.
stacey says a surprising number of students turned out for their 'amateur film festival.' well, at least she admits that it's amateur. i'm guessing a lot of the kids are only there because they or someone they are friends with are supposed to be in stacey's documentary. or because attendance at this little non-event is mandatory.
stacey says at least close to fifty kids had shown up, plus at least ten teachers. ah, so maybe it's not mandatory then. people probably just showed up to laugh at their classmates or see themselves or their friends on film.
on the auditorium stage there is a large white screen. ms. murphy stands in front of it and gives an introduction that we are thankfully spared, and then the films start and we are given a very, very brief description of the other two movies:
'kristy's group's film was funny. i could barely stop laughing [that's just your nerves, stace, kristy's film sucks]. the next film, directed by sarah gerstenkorn [who we will never hear from again], was a funny fairy tale done in claymation.'
i fucking love claymation. sarah gerstenkorn who we shall never see again, i like the cut of your jib.
stacey's film is last, but of course, to stretch out the "suspense" as long as humanely possible. stacey glances at mary anne once it starts and sees that she is just sitting there, 'stone-faced' watching.
'jessi folded her arms anxiously when her piece came on. i wondered if admitting she felt different would make her feel better or worse now that it was out in the open.'
well, maybe this is a question you should have asked jessi before the film was premiered? we didn't hear a peep from jessi this whole time. well, she leaves the club in 'everything changes' so…your guess is as good as mine.
'jessi was followed by abby, who shook her head, as if she were still thinking about it.'
we didn't really hear from abby after her interview either, did we? i wonder if she'll make some changes to her life to make it less hectic. oh, yeah, spoiler alert! she quits the club in 'everything changes' too.
"this is wonderful," claudia whispered to me after her interview ended.
then mary anne's face came on the screen. i clenched my fists nervously.'
you think you're nervous, stacey? i bet mary anne is having a hard core panic attack right about now!
'her interview ran entirely as filmed.
i slumped in my seat. my face came on and my interview ran as filmed too.'
don't speed dial kristy's hitman just yet, stacey!
'but then mary anne appeared again.
thank you, pete and emily, i thought.'
what? no love for erica? what did she do, take a shit in your cornflakes?
'mary anne spoke calmly. finally she came to her conclusion. "sometimes you say things in the heat of the moment. you want to take them back. when you're finished, you can't. the truth is, i love both my mothers. i love the idea of my birth mother that i carry inside me. and i love sharon."'
awww…
stacey glances at mary anne, who is crying and smiling at the same time. mary anne turns to stacey and mouths the words, "thank you," to her. claudia takes this moment to squeeze stacey's arm and say, "good going," to her.
all's well that ends well, am i right?
oh, but it isn't over yet. damn.
'when alan came on screen, he let out a humongous burp, the laughter distracted kids from hearing what he was saying on film. oh well, i guess he couldn't be expected to change completely overnight.'
i don't think it was so much about him "not changing," stace. i think he's scared kids will just laugh at him for wanting to be taken seriously. or that nothing will change when it comes to everyone else and how they see him and treat him. i feel sad for him.
then stacey appears on screen again and she tells us that she had turned the camera on herself before handing the second tape over to her group. i guess she decided to keep that little detail from the readers until the end.
'"i had a happy childhood before [the?] fighting started," i said. "the film in my mind recorded lots of happy times. i suppose, in a way, we're all filmmakers, remembering what we loved, editing out what we don't want to remember."'
i don't know why, but that makes me feel a little sad, to be honest.
the book ends with stacey telling us that that was the most important thing she had learned from working on their film. i'll let her have the last word:
'our memories are little private films. we're all directors, trying to create a picture that balances truth with love and forgiveness.'
THE END!!!
but wait! there's more!
'dear reader,'
YESSSS!! what does ann have to say about this little morality tale of betrayal and redemption? will she have anything to say about the actual plot of the book? or will she ramble on about her own life in the most irrelevant manner possible, as always?
'dear reader,
in stacey's movie, stacey and her classmates have a chance to make a movie of their own using a video camera. what a great project. when i was stacey's age--'
oh, here we go!
'when i was stacey's age, videos and video cameras didn't even exist!'
how did they film movies then, ann? i think you mean that most people didn't have their own personal video cameras. fuck, i've seen home movies played on projectors from the fucking sixties and seventies ann. you were alive then! or is this your way of telling us that you were actually born in the 1850's instead of the 1950's and have been lying about your age this whole time? put down the pipe, lady.
'i saw my very first movie when i was five years old. my dad took me to the garden theatre in princeton, nj, to see swiss family robinson. my ticket cost fifty cents. my dad told me that the first movie he ever saw at the garden, sixteen years earlier, cost him a nickel.'
you really are a relic from a bygone era, aren't you ann? please tell me about how in your day, children rolled hoops down the streets with sticks and waited with bated breath for autumn, when they could finally play *GASP!* conkers again after a long, boring summer.
'the year i saw that first movie was 1960. in 1960, you couldn't go to a store and buy or rent a movie to watch on your television. you had to go to a theatre. the first movie i ever saw more than once was the sound of music. not long after that, i saw mary poppins four times--so you can tell how much i liked that movie!'
you're boring me, ann. and you've gone completely off track, as usual. instead of talking about the plot, you're telling us about your memories of seeing movies in the theatre as a child in the '60's. we don't really care what your favourite movies were back in the day. sorry.
(not sorry.)
'as i grew older, i began to watch scarier movies. by the time i was about thirteen, one of my favourite movies was alfred hitchcock's the birds. my friend beth like it too. we tried to time our sleepovers, which were usually held at beth's house, for nights when the birds was going to play on tv.'
cool story, sis. truly fascinating. i, too, enjoy the birds. but your little story is still putting me to sleep. i'd rather watch tippi hedren myself than read about your teenaged crush on her.
'now that i'm an adult, i still love going to the movie theatre,'
you rebel, you! NO ONE likes going to the MOVIES!
'but renting a movie to watch at home is a lot of fun too. if i were a student at SMS, i would love stacey's short takes class!
happy filming!
ann m martin.'
oh. my. god.
what an underwhelming way to end a book that was as dramatic as this one. thanks, ann.
welp, next up i will be snarking the first BSC book i ever read, which is still one of my all time favourites, claudia and the phantom phone calls.
man, i should start ending these snarks ann m. martin style…
'dear reader,
back in the 1980's when i was a child, my sisters and i could still get penny candies at the corner store! *chortles smugly* those sure were different times, kiddies, nowadays you're lucky if you can get a chocolate bar for under two dollars before tax!
wait, what do you mean that has nothing to do with the snark? how very fucking dare you even suggest that i'm being completely irrelevant, don't you know who i am?! you're damn right, i'm a snarker, and i do what i want. if ann m martin can get away with it and still make millions, why the hell can't i?
now, where was i? oh, yes, back in the 1980's…wait, what was i talking about? movies, you say? what about movies? i wasn't talking about movies, silly, i was talking about candy, that's right, candy is where it's at…hey, we should all go down to the corner store and buy some penny candies! what do you mean they cost more than a penny now? what do you mean i just said so myself? fine, have it your way. we'll go and buy some two dollar candies and rage about inflation, then!
happy eating!
not ann m martin.'
as a side note, i have two new snarky reviews up on my blog if anyone would like to read them. and i'd like to say thanks to everyone who has been reading and commenting on my blog!
part one
part two
part three
part four
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
aw crap, more of kristy filming shit. i don't even care right now. seriously.
'sunday
this wasn't exactly a baby-sitting job.'
then why are you writing it up in the club notebook, kristy? i'm sure no one fucking cares. they bitch about having to read/write in the notebook enough as it is, without having to read about shit that isn't even baby-sitting related.
'we filmed rose wilder while her parents were there. rosie, who's a born performer, would be a perfect subject, i thought. it seemed though, that lately i've thought a lot of things that weren't so. being wrong -- what a weird and annoying experience.'
you're wrong most of the time, kristy, you just refuse to admit it.
stacey tells us that when kristy told her she'd decided to put rosie in her 'stoneybrook's funniest kids' film, she'd thought it was a 'stroke of genius.' because everything kristy does is lauded as being a stroke of fucking genius. and also, how would rosie fit into a film about the town's funniest kids? did her stage-smother force her to start taking a comedy improv class or something? cuz if not, i doubt kristy is going to catch anything "funny" on film.
stacey rattles off rosie's list of achievements and talents, which only goes to further my point: 'at seven, she's already appeared on tv several times and in a commercial or two. she's studied piano, ballet, violin, voice and tap.'
*slaps knee and laughs uproariously* HILARIOUS!
wait, no, the exact fucking opposite of that.
stacey tells us that from kristy's point of view, rosie was guaranteed to 'deliver something great she could use in the film.' yeah, right. but then, kristy's film already sucks so much ass i'm sure it couldn't get any less funny than it already is. i hope kristy gets an F because her movie stinks.
mrs. stage-smother asks kristy, alan, logan and anna if they can have a copy of the video when it's done, probably thinking it will be good for her resume or portfolio or whatever. kristy says, "sure, but she won't be the only one in it." and mr. stage-father makes me roll my eyes angrily when he replies, "no problem, we have a friend who is a film editor. we'll just have the other children cut out." yeah, god forbid the agent/client sees one of the other kids in the film and wants to give them a job, amiright? mrs. stage-mother adds, "we want to expand rosie's on-camera portfolio, that's what casting agents look for, how the child projects on screen."'
i thought rosie finally convinced the stage parents to let her cut down on some fucking activities in "claudia and the genius of elm street"? i guess that lasted all of one fucking book because it sounds like they're going at her even harder than ever. it would serve these idiots right if she wound up like lindsay lohan or something. i mean, not so good for rosie, of course, but something has to happen to make her parents realize they're pushing their kid way too hard when it comes to all of these classes and their obsession with show business. this kid will grow up without ever having an actual childhood.
rosie comes out of the kitchen and says hi to kristy, adding, "you want me to be in your movie? that's what mom told me."
'"that's right," kristy said. "how about telling a joke?"
"okay," rosie agreed.
kristy hurried to ready her camera. she focused on rosie.
"knock, knock," rosie began.
alan hovered next to kristy. "a knock-knock joke?" he said.
"go away. this is great."'
is it really though, kristy? is it really? or are you just desperate?
'"who's there?" rosie continued.
"dwayne. dwayne who? dwayne the tub--i'm dwowning."'
Click to viewyeah kristy, that's "great" all right, a great big pile of FAIL.
kristy keeps the camera trained on rosie and stacey tells us that the joke 'wasn't exactly a riot' but that 'rosie had lots of energy.' your film is going to blow, kristy, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
'as rosie stared blankly into the lens, kristy put the camera down. "rosie, do you know any comedy?" rosie looked baffled. "didn't you think that was funny?"'
NO!!
'"it was good but…i need something more."
"show them what you did when you auditioned for the waffle commercial last week," mr. wilder suggested. rosie frowned. "but i didn't get the part."
"we don't know that yet, honey," her mother said. "these things take time."'
i hope this is only the beginning of rosie failing to land jobs, it'd probably be her salvation to be honest.
'"oh, all right," rosie relented. "but i need a waffle." mrs. wilder hurried into the kitchen and returned with a frozen waffle. she held the waffle up beside rosie. "go ahead, rosie. say what you said at that audition. wally's waffles weally taste gweat."'
'"wally's waffles really taste great," rosie repeated without much excitement.
kristy filmed it. "not funny," alan murmured in her ear.'
i couldn't agree more, alan.
'she knew it wasn't funny. "all right, alan," she whispered angrily. "you tell me when you see something funny and when you want me to film it."
alan threw his arms out wide. "at last!" he cried.'
seriously! but i have to add that the ebook had a really unfortunate typo in place of alan's name. it said 'anal' instead of 'alan.'
FAILBOOK!
kristy glares at anal alan and rosie apologizes, "i'm sorry that wasn't very good." well, you're certainly not ready for the just for laughs festival, rosie, but i'm sure after kristy and the crew leave, your smothering stage parents will be on the phone to sign you up for some comedy classes, just in case.
rosie continues, "i didn't like wally's waffles much so it was hard to say that."
'"that's okay," kristy told her. "i know you like to tap. could you dance for us?"
alan coughed pointedly, but she ignored him.'
of course she did.
rosie agrees and runs upstairs to get her tap shoes. seconds later she is running back down the stairs, in said tap shoes, announcing that she needs music.
and then, disaster strikes.
'suddenly, rosie's face took on a look of complete horror as she slipped on the wood floor, waving her arms for balance.
"film! film!" alan urgently instructed kristy.'
oh, no! not you too, alan!
how did we, as a society, come to think that people getting injured is the height of hilarity?
'without thinking, she obeyed.'
but their plans for getting big laughs out of kids getting injured are foiled by one logan bruno:
"logan leaped across the room and caught rosie just as she was about to crash to the floor. they landed in a heap in the corner of the room.
like the football player he is, logan had even managed to catch a vase as it fell from a table. he sat there with rosie in his lap and a vase in his hand.'
i don't know whether or not to call bullshit on that even being possible. i don't think a thirteen year old kid would have the coordination needed to pull that off, but who the fuck knows. i'm going to just shut up and stop questioning shit for now. my brain needs a rest from all of the mental gymnastics these books put it through.
'"rosie!" mr. wilder cried as he hurried across the room toward his daughter. anna followed him.
"oh, dear," exclaimed mrs. wilder.
rosie's face blossomed into a luminous smile and she turned to logan. "you saved my life!" she announced dramatically. then she laid a big kiss on logan as she wrapped her arms around him.'
somehow i don't see even a seven year old being able to pull off kissing a boy in front of her parents without being totally embarrassed. just saying.
'"cut," alan told kristy.
she put the camera down and grinned at him.
"now that was funny," he said.
kristy had to agree. without alan she might have missed the funniest thing in the film so far.
"okay, director," kristy said to alan. "what do you want to do next?"'
FINALLY! SOME FUCKING RESPECT!
'"maybe we can ask rosie to talk about going to auditions," he suggested. "we might get some funny comments from her."
"all right," kristy agreed.'
at this point, rosie has gotten to her feet and is 'feeling fine.' yeah, i'm sure, she just had her first kiss after all. too bad it was with that jerk logan.
alan asks her if she can tell them about her auditions and what they are like. the chapter mercifully ends on rosie telling a story about a casting agent…
'"some of the people you meet are really weird," she began. "there was a casting agent once who looked like Cruella DeVil." rosie tossed her head back. she made a face and began to prance across the room. "she looked like this."
"action," alan told kristy. and she turned on the camera.'
ah, respect at last. but sadly, it won't last long. in 'claudia's disaster date' when she starts going out with alan, kristy is back to being a total shitstain about him.
oh well. for now, let's just enjoy this rare moment.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
man, i can't believe i'm at chapter fourteen already. the last snark took so damned long to write that i forgot how quickly these things can go. the last book was such a long, hard slog and sucked so hard that it wore me the fuck out trying to work on it. at least this one was able to hold my attention. and i kind of hate to say that enjoyed it a lot more, too.
okay, so we're still stuck on this never-ending sunday. stacey has just gotten home from her interview and maureen is asking her if she's hungry. stace says yes, but that she has to do something before they eat. she grabs the cordless phone from the kitchen, sits down on the stairs with it and dials mary anne's number.
'"hi, it's stacey," i said when she picked up.
"oh…hello." definitely a frosty reception. but i couldn't blame her.
"listen, i understand why you're mad," i said. "i just came from my interview and now i know how difficult it is. you start to feel trapped and say things that aren't exactly what you mean."'
finally, she fucking gets it.
it's just too bad it took going through it herself to understand why mary anne has been so fucking upset about the whole mess. if she hadn't had a shitty interview herself, she never would've gotten to this point.
'"that's right," mary anne agreed. "i don't hate my mother. that's just how i was feeling at that moment. and i only hated her because she wasn't there -- because i would love for her to still be alive. but the word hate is so ugly and it's all you hear."
"i know. in my interview i made it sound as if i lived in a home with constant screaming. but that isn't true. it was only toward the end, and for just a couple of months. most of the time i was pretty happy. it didn't come out sounding that way, though."'
you know what, stacey? you're actually really lucky that the fighting and screaming only lasted for a couple of months. it still sucks that they got divorced, but you really are lucky in that one respect.
'mary anne sighed. "now it's taped and we're stuck with it, i suppose."
"maybe not," i disagreed. "i'm going to try again, really hard. i can't promise, but maybe it's not too late to persuade my group to make some cuts."'
good fucking luck with that, stacey.
mary anne wishes her good luck, too, and they hang up. stacey tells us that she didn't know how she was going to do it or if she even could, but that she was 'determined to try [her] best.' as i said, good luck.
we get to skip the rest of sunday, thank god, and head straight into monday's short takes class, where ms. murphy is telling them about how editing is one of the most important parts of the film process, blah blah, and shows them how to use the editing equipment. i'll spare you the boring details, because i'm sure any equipment they are using has been obsolete for at least a decade. and also because this snark is probably already way too long.
at one point in the class, stacey asks, "what if something in a documentary would embarrass someone? is it all right to take it out?"
'emily turned and frowned. i glanced at erica and pete. they listened intently for ms. murphy's reply. she folded her arms and gave a small sigh. "that is a very difficult question but an important one," she answered. "i can't give you one simple rule because it's something you have to decide for yourself. explosive material makes for dynamic, award-winning films. what price are you willing to pay for that? only you can say."'
i'm sure emily would be all for making a deal with a crossroads demon in exchange for an award-winning career in journalism, just as kristy would be perfectly willing to sell her soul to the devil himself to stay a thirteen year old dictator forever, but is stacey willing to go to the same lengths for a school project? i mean, she never even expressed the slightest interest in filmmaking until this book, but who the hell knows with these girls.
'i wasn't exactly surprised by her answer, but i was a little disappointed. i guess i'd been hoping she'd say people come first, or something along those lines. that way i could go to emily, erica and pete saying, "you heard what ms. murphy said." it wasn't going to be that easy, though.'
suzanne takes a break from the actual plot so she can have stacey explain how to use mid-90's video editing equipment, but as i said before, i'll spare us all the details.
after ms. murphy is done showing them how to use the equipment, she gets them to break into their groups and discuss how they want to work. stacey's group is next to kristy's and she overhears the unthinkable:
'before we began talking, i actually heard kristy say, "well, what do you think, alan?"
amazing!'
i'll second that!
pete has an idea that will severely date their film and is excited to tell the others all about it:
'"i had this great idea," pete began, pulling my attention back to my own crew. "i was thinking we could use music from the radio that's popular exactly this week. that way we could indicate the time of the video without having to say this is such and such a time."'
by that logic, wouldn't that mean that these books take place in the 1950's?
erica loves the idea of dating their movie into cheesy hilarity for the future generations and asks pete if he knows how to do that. he says he'll film his radio playing, "and mark the music in and out on the audio channel while the visuals are playing." sounds overly complex and time consuming.
emily says that since they didn't shoot any credits, she could just type up an opening with their names. stacey says that's great but then she gets down to business:
'"now we need to discuss something else. after my interview, i understood better how mary anne felt. can we please think about cutting her out? it's not as if we don't have enough material. i'd like part of my interview to come out, too, but we can leave that in if we take mary anne's out."'
wow, she's actually not only going out on a limb for mary anne, but is offering to throw herself under the bus for mary anne's sake! well, after all that bullshit in sea city she owes her a huge favour. it's about damned time she started paying off her debt.
'"no!" emily cried. "no way."
"wait a minute," pete said. "i think i agree with stacey. we interviewed friends. you guys knew things about the people you interviewed that you wouldn't have known if they had been strangers. so you had an advantage another interviewer wouldn't have had."
"that's true," i agreed. "you knew my parents were divorced. if you didn't, you'd have had to wait for me to reveal that and maybe i never would have."
"you're putting friendship over filmmaking," emily said stubbornly.'
damn right she is! and about fucking time, too! these girls may not actually be "the best friends you'll ever have" but mary anne is pretty damned loyal considering everything and she would NEVER pull this kind of shit on stacey or anyone else. i hope that when emily becomes an actual journalist, her bullshit "rules of journalism" will keep her warm at night, because she is going to be one lonely, soulless fucking shark.
'"so what?" i said loudly. (everyone in the room turned to look at me.) i lowered my voice. "yes. i suppose that's my decision. to me, friendship is more important than our project."'
GOOD FOR YOU!
'"don't you care about the truth?" emily asked.
"this isn't a film about truth. it's about the feelings of middle school kids. and i care about mary anne's feelings."'
'"erica is the director," emily said. "it's her decision. what do you think, erica?"
a panicked expression came over erica. she seemed uncomfortable about including mary anne's portion of the film against her wishes. maybe she'd come through for me. after all, she'd helped me out when my interview had grown uncomfortable.
"what do you think?" i pressed. "you know how awkward it can make you feel to be taped."
"do i really have to decide?" she asked unhappily.
"you're the director," emily pointed out.
"all right," she said. "my decision is…mary anne stays."'
DAMN IT, ERICA!
stacey thumps her desk angrily and sits back 'hard' in her seat. she tells us that she felt the impulse to walk out in protest and she actually begins standing up to do just that, when an idea strikes her and she sits her ass back down.
the chapter ends with stacey thinking:
'there might actually be a way to fix this. i only hoped i could come up with new material interesting enough to make the others want to use it.'
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
jesus, it's the last chapter already!
i hope this book ends on one of ann's "letters from the author" bullshitting sprees. i fucking love those, because you can pretty much always tell that she didn't even bother to read the finished product before writing the damned things, they have so little to do with the actual book or it's contents. it's fucking hilarious.
okay, let's do this.
at the end of the BSC meeting that afternoon, stacey breaks the bad news of her group's refusal to cut mary anne's scene to her once again.
'"i don't believe them!" she cried. "why can't they see that--?"
i held up my hand to stop her. "i have an idea. maybe the answer isn't to cut, but to add."'
'"i don't get it."
i reached into my backpack and took out my mom's camera, which i'd brought from home.
"oh, no," she protested the moment she saw it. "i'm never appearing on film again as long as i live. not even at a birthday party."'
i don't blame you, mary anne.
she starts booking it for the door, but stacey jumps in front of her and says, "listen to me. this can work. we can explain what you really meant." mary anne stops to think and then says she doesn't know. stacey promises her that if she doesn't like what she films, stacey won't use it and that mary anne can just say "off the record" and stacey will "burn it or drown it or whatever."
now that's a hell of a lot more respectful than emily's bullshit. i'm sure i've said it before somewhere in this snark already, but i'll say it again: i am ashamed to share a name with her. she truly is a shark the way she's been circling her friends looking for blood.
mary anne is smarter than most people take her for, because she does this, which is pretty fucking awesome:
'"give me the camera," she said after a moment. she studied the controls briefly, then turned it on me. "now, say, 'if mary anne doesn't approve of this film, i can't use it," she instructed me.'
NICE!
stacey tells us that she obliged, so mary anne handed the camera back to her. mary anne sits down on claudia's bed and stacey aims the camera at her and starts rolling.
'"mary anne, can you tell me how you were feeling the other day when we filmed you?" i asked.
"yes," she began. "i was having a bad day. i'd had an argument with my stepmother, sharon, who is a really wonderful person. but even the best person on earth can annoy you sometimes and…"'
the scene ends before we get to hear the rest of what mary anne has to say, sadly. stacey just says, 'the interview went from there.' BOO!
she tells us that her group spent the rest of the week editing their film. oh, and pete fell in love and became obsessed with the editing system. because he needs a girlfriend. the book straight up says, 'pete fell in love with the video editing system. he became obsessed with filming sound, creating audio effects, making visual montages.' i guess he's found his passion. we haven't seen him this fired up since he developed that mad crush on laine.
pete and emily bitched each other out over the editing, but stacey tells us that she and erica were less involved. on wednesday she does pull her head out of her ass long enough to ask if they are going to be using the new film she submitted of mary anne. emily says that they're not sure yet, because she's a sadist.
'"that's as much a part of the film as the rest of it," i insisted. "it's just on another piece of tape."
"we aren't that far along," pete told me. "i'll rewind it and you can see it from the beginning."
it looked great. they'd cut the interviews so that only the most dramatic parts were used. and pete had selected perfect music to introduce each interview.'
no fucking way will this film end up being only ten minutes.
after seeing what they have so far and raving about how awesome it is, stacey goes back to begging them to use the new stuff she filmed. "use what i gave you, please," she begs.
and then we cut AGAIN! to thursday. the dismissal bell has rung and stacey heads into the short takes class room only to find kristy and her team checking out their finished film and 'laughing hysterically.'
'on the monitor, rosie kissed logan and announced, "you saved my life!"'
i could be wrong, but doesn't rosie kiss logan after saying that he saved her life? yup, i just checked and she does kiss him after. continuity: what is it? how does it work?
stacey tells kristy and her group that the film looks good. logan thanks her and says he can't wait to show it tomorrow. pft, i'm sure you can't wait to show mary anne and all of the SMS football team what a "hero" you are. newsflash, bruno, the guys in school are probably going to laugh their balls off at you making out with a seven year old. and mary anne will probably just dissolve into a puddle of jealous tears because you let another girl kiss you, seven years old or not, it doesn't matter to the queen of jealous rage fantasies.
logan asks stacey how her project is coming along and stacey tells him that she was hoping to "sneak a look" at it. methinks she doesn't trust her group-mates to do the right thing. kristy tells her that pete was just in there finishing up when they arrived. "i saw him take the tape out of the machine and leave with it. it looked as if he was just doing some last minute editing."
stacey phones pete repeatedly once she gets home but keeps getting his machine. ouch. she tells us that she kept calling him because she had to know if she could invite mary anne to the 'special premiere' of the class movies that was scheduled for the next day after school. i'm guessing that means that if he left the video as is (and didn't add the bit stacey and mary anne filmed together) then she was going to…not invite her? pretend that the 'premiere' had been cancelled? what? anyway, moving along…
stacey becomes paranoid when he doesn't answer the phone after what is probably her hundredth consecutive call, and wonders if he is purposely ignoring her calls. uh, he has a family, right? unless he's home alone right now or has a private line like claudia, wouldn't the rest of his family be getting pretty fucking annoyed right about now with the phone ringing off the hook and answer it themselves? maybe they got annoyed with her obsessive calls and took the phone off the hook, thinking that she was dogging him with another pregnancy scare or something.
'finally around nine-thirty, his mother picked up and called him to the phone.'
damn, girl. you were calling him for fucking hours! his mother must've been pissed.
'"do i need to apologize to mary anne?" i asked him directly. "i know you did the final cut."
"i think she'll like it," he answered. "i mean…i think so. i guess i could be wrong."
"should i invite her to the premiere?" i asked.
"i wonder if you'll be able to keep her away," he replied.'
wow, pete, you're one confusing boy. but i take it you added in her second interview? i guess we'll just have to wait to find out…
but we won't have to wait long, because we skip ahead to friday after school! huzzah!
stacey is anxiously waiting outside the auditorium with claudia for the big premiere. and i have to say, i can't write the word "premiere" in the context of their little kiddy middle school films without rolling my eyes so hard it hurts. stacey is clutching her pearls and wringing her hands simultaneously as she wails, "i told her to come but i don't know if i should have," to claud.
'"she was determined to see it for herself," claudia replied. "it wouldn't have mattered what you said."'
probably not. maybe she'll show up in disguise in a desperate bid to avoid public humiliation. but knowing these girls and their idea of disguises, her disguise would just be really fucking obvious.
it'd pretty much end up looking like this:
'mary anne showed up just then. she waved but wore an anxious expression.'
aw, damn it, no disguise? maybe her anxious expression was supposed to be a disguise. if so, FAIL, MARY ANNE, you always look anxious and on the verge of tears. should've worn your Tigger halloween costume.
hey, at least it would've been a distraction from what's happening on screen, you guys!
'"stacey, whatever it is, i'll deal with it," she said as she joined us. "the important thing to me is that you tried."'
see, that's a good friend right there. and also very strong of mary anne, all things considered.
stacey thanks her and realizes…something? the ebook is missing words or something, because it says: 'i realized that it matter to me too.' WHAAAAT?? but she adds, 'i'd taken a stand and let the others know how i felt.' good for you?
mary anne, stacey and claudia wait for the rest of the cult to show up so they can walk into the auditorium together. because they can't even take a single step in public unless they are in a group. what are you so afraid of girls? why you always gotta be attached at the hip? is this a safety in numbers thing? is it because unless kristy is there to provide oxygen for the entire group, the rest of you forget about a little thing called breathing? you inhale and then you exhale, rinse, repeat, dummies, it's really not that hard. you don't need kristy to survive.
stacey says a surprising number of students turned out for their 'amateur film festival.' well, at least she admits that it's amateur. i'm guessing a lot of the kids are only there because they or someone they are friends with are supposed to be in stacey's documentary. or because attendance at this little non-event is mandatory.
stacey says at least close to fifty kids had shown up, plus at least ten teachers. ah, so maybe it's not mandatory then. people probably just showed up to laugh at their classmates or see themselves or their friends on film.
on the auditorium stage there is a large white screen. ms. murphy stands in front of it and gives an introduction that we are thankfully spared, and then the films start and we are given a very, very brief description of the other two movies:
'kristy's group's film was funny. i could barely stop laughing [that's just your nerves, stace, kristy's film sucks]. the next film, directed by sarah gerstenkorn [who we will never hear from again], was a funny fairy tale done in claymation.'
i fucking love claymation. sarah gerstenkorn who we shall never see again, i like the cut of your jib.
stacey's film is last, but of course, to stretch out the "suspense" as long as humanely possible. stacey glances at mary anne once it starts and sees that she is just sitting there, 'stone-faced' watching.
'jessi folded her arms anxiously when her piece came on. i wondered if admitting she felt different would make her feel better or worse now that it was out in the open.'
well, maybe this is a question you should have asked jessi before the film was premiered? we didn't hear a peep from jessi this whole time. well, she leaves the club in 'everything changes' so…your guess is as good as mine.
'jessi was followed by abby, who shook her head, as if she were still thinking about it.'
we didn't really hear from abby after her interview either, did we? i wonder if she'll make some changes to her life to make it less hectic. oh, yeah, spoiler alert! she quits the club in 'everything changes' too.
"this is wonderful," claudia whispered to me after her interview ended.
then mary anne's face came on the screen. i clenched my fists nervously.'
you think you're nervous, stacey? i bet mary anne is having a hard core panic attack right about now!
'her interview ran entirely as filmed.
i slumped in my seat. my face came on and my interview ran as filmed too.'
don't speed dial kristy's hitman just yet, stacey!
'but then mary anne appeared again.
thank you, pete and emily, i thought.'
what? no love for erica? what did she do, take a shit in your cornflakes?
'mary anne spoke calmly. finally she came to her conclusion. "sometimes you say things in the heat of the moment. you want to take them back. when you're finished, you can't. the truth is, i love both my mothers. i love the idea of my birth mother that i carry inside me. and i love sharon."'
awww…
stacey glances at mary anne, who is crying and smiling at the same time. mary anne turns to stacey and mouths the words, "thank you," to her. claudia takes this moment to squeeze stacey's arm and say, "good going," to her.
all's well that ends well, am i right?
oh, but it isn't over yet. damn.
'when alan came on screen, he let out a humongous burp, the laughter distracted kids from hearing what he was saying on film. oh well, i guess he couldn't be expected to change completely overnight.'
i don't think it was so much about him "not changing," stace. i think he's scared kids will just laugh at him for wanting to be taken seriously. or that nothing will change when it comes to everyone else and how they see him and treat him. i feel sad for him.
then stacey appears on screen again and she tells us that she had turned the camera on herself before handing the second tape over to her group. i guess she decided to keep that little detail from the readers until the end.
'"i had a happy childhood before [the?] fighting started," i said. "the film in my mind recorded lots of happy times. i suppose, in a way, we're all filmmakers, remembering what we loved, editing out what we don't want to remember."'
i don't know why, but that makes me feel a little sad, to be honest.
the book ends with stacey telling us that that was the most important thing she had learned from working on their film. i'll let her have the last word:
'our memories are little private films. we're all directors, trying to create a picture that balances truth with love and forgiveness.'
THE END!!!
but wait! there's more!
'dear reader,'
YESSSS!! what does ann have to say about this little morality tale of betrayal and redemption? will she have anything to say about the actual plot of the book? or will she ramble on about her own life in the most irrelevant manner possible, as always?
'dear reader,
in stacey's movie, stacey and her classmates have a chance to make a movie of their own using a video camera. what a great project. when i was stacey's age--'
oh, here we go!
'when i was stacey's age, videos and video cameras didn't even exist!'
how did they film movies then, ann? i think you mean that most people didn't have their own personal video cameras. fuck, i've seen home movies played on projectors from the fucking sixties and seventies ann. you were alive then! or is this your way of telling us that you were actually born in the 1850's instead of the 1950's and have been lying about your age this whole time? put down the pipe, lady.
'i saw my very first movie when i was five years old. my dad took me to the garden theatre in princeton, nj, to see swiss family robinson. my ticket cost fifty cents. my dad told me that the first movie he ever saw at the garden, sixteen years earlier, cost him a nickel.'
you really are a relic from a bygone era, aren't you ann? please tell me about how in your day, children rolled hoops down the streets with sticks and waited with bated breath for autumn, when they could finally play *GASP!* conkers again after a long, boring summer.
'the year i saw that first movie was 1960. in 1960, you couldn't go to a store and buy or rent a movie to watch on your television. you had to go to a theatre. the first movie i ever saw more than once was the sound of music. not long after that, i saw mary poppins four times--so you can tell how much i liked that movie!'
you're boring me, ann. and you've gone completely off track, as usual. instead of talking about the plot, you're telling us about your memories of seeing movies in the theatre as a child in the '60's. we don't really care what your favourite movies were back in the day. sorry.
(not sorry.)
'as i grew older, i began to watch scarier movies. by the time i was about thirteen, one of my favourite movies was alfred hitchcock's the birds. my friend beth like it too. we tried to time our sleepovers, which were usually held at beth's house, for nights when the birds was going to play on tv.'
cool story, sis. truly fascinating. i, too, enjoy the birds. but your little story is still putting me to sleep. i'd rather watch tippi hedren myself than read about your teenaged crush on her.
'now that i'm an adult, i still love going to the movie theatre,'
you rebel, you! NO ONE likes going to the MOVIES!
'but renting a movie to watch at home is a lot of fun too. if i were a student at SMS, i would love stacey's short takes class!
happy filming!
ann m martin.'
oh. my. god.
what an underwhelming way to end a book that was as dramatic as this one. thanks, ann.
welp, next up i will be snarking the first BSC book i ever read, which is still one of my all time favourites, claudia and the phantom phone calls.
man, i should start ending these snarks ann m. martin style…
'dear reader,
back in the 1980's when i was a child, my sisters and i could still get penny candies at the corner store! *chortles smugly* those sure were different times, kiddies, nowadays you're lucky if you can get a chocolate bar for under two dollars before tax!
wait, what do you mean that has nothing to do with the snark? how very fucking dare you even suggest that i'm being completely irrelevant, don't you know who i am?! you're damn right, i'm a snarker, and i do what i want. if ann m martin can get away with it and still make millions, why the hell can't i?
now, where was i? oh, yes, back in the 1980's…wait, what was i talking about? movies, you say? what about movies? i wasn't talking about movies, silly, i was talking about candy, that's right, candy is where it's at…hey, we should all go down to the corner store and buy some penny candies! what do you mean they cost more than a penny now? what do you mean i just said so myself? fine, have it your way. we'll go and buy some two dollar candies and rage about inflation, then!
happy eating!
not ann m martin.'
as a side note, i have two new snarky reviews up on my blog if anyone would like to read them. and i'd like to say thanks to everyone who has been reading and commenting on my blog!