Dawn and the Disappearing Dogs Chapters 1-5
Chapter 1
Dawn says she doesn’t hate animals (she just hates people eating junk food, meat, organizing their sock drawers a certain way, saying the words cool if you’re thirty and over, cutting your hair, liking something young people like if you’re thirty and over, people having different opinions than her, people not kissing her ass, and probably more stuff. I mean, she basically dislikes everything). Anyway, Dawn doesn’t hate animals, but she isn’t an animal lover. The only reason she’s a vegetarian is because she dislikes the taste of red meat. Wasn’t she trying to arrange a BSC field trip to the slaughterhouse so she could scare the charges into not eating meat? Hasn’t she gone on rants about eating poor defenseless animals a bunch of times? And now she’s like, “I don’t give a shit about the animals. I just don’t like the taste.” Next thing you know Dawn will say, “I really don’t think red meat is that unhealthy, I just don’t like the taste.” I hate the taste shrimp, but I don’t go on huge tirades when my mom makes it because I don’t have to eat it.
Dawn starts off this chapter by saying that she doesn’t like kissing animals. She wants to know if she sounds like a nut. Really, she’s a nice, normal thirteen year old girl. Yeah, when I think of a nice girl, I totally think of someone who bitches about people organizing their closet according to color, or being a bitch to her stepsister because she cut her hair and had a father daughter day and totally judges everyone for having different opinions than her. Dawn is babysitting Buddy and Suzi. Suzi is a little pudgy. She has an adorable round stomach. I don’t recall this ever being mentioned. I wonder how long before they start fat-shaming Suzi? How old does a child have to be before everyone is like, “You filthy fatass?” I doubt these people would understand the concept of baby fat and bodies changing during puberty.
This animal stuff was brought on because Dawn wrote down a bunch of random topics, put them in a hat, and decided whatever she picked out is what she’ll bitch about today. Dawn sees Mrs. Mancusi walking her dogs. They don’t have any kids, but they have a ton of animals. I can totally see a BSC member judging someone for not having kids. Mrs. Mancusi is walking her dogs and Dawn has to bitch about Mrs. Mancusi saying that it’s a beautiful day to her dogs. What a bitch! Can you believe her nerve, talking to her dogs? What kind of dumb asshole does that?
I talk to my dog all the time when I take him for a walk. Sometimes I’ll say that the weather is warmer than I thought, that I’m giving him twenty seconds to pee or get off the damn grass, to wait while I pick up his poop, to tell him good boy when he poops, random shit that comes to mind. I like doing it. Dawn bitches because it’s not like the dogs can understand her or answer her back, so what’s the point? Why does Dawn care? It’s not like Mrs. Mancusi is forcing Dawn to talk to her dogs. Maybe the dogs like the sound of her voice. My dog knows the words walk, food, and drive. Then Dawn has to complain about Mrs. Mancusi throwing a ball for her dog because the ball has slobber on it. I love the way Dawn phrases it. After Dawn finishes complaining about Mrs. Mancusi saying it was a nice day to her dogs, she’s like, “As if that weren’t enough, she actually took a slobbery ball out of the dog’s mouth and threw it.” I’m just imagining Dawn clutching her pearls. I didn’t know the sight of a woman talking to her dogs and playing fetch was so traumatizing and offensive.
I don’t think Mrs. Mancusi minds that the ball is slobbery. Why does Dawn care? It’s not like she has to touch the ball. Mrs. Mancusi waves to Dawn, but Dawn doesn’t want her to come over because she might talk to Pow. Pow would be a better conversationalist than Dawn. I’d talk to Freddy Krueger and the Joker before I talked to Dawn.
So now that Dawn is finished bitching about the audacity of pet owners talking to their pets and throwing balls for them to fetch, she takes the kids to Krusher’s practice. Dawn says Kristy is really patient with the kids and that’s like saying Mary Anne is really sensitive to other people’s feelings or that Dawn is an individual. I cannot see Kristy being patient. I can totally see her screaming at the kids after they mess up again. I can’t see her patiently explaining what a term means. I can see her rolling her eyes when someone messes up. Nicky Pike gets his shirt dirty, but Mrs. Pike won’t give a fuck because Mallory will wash the shirt.
Dawn gets bored watching the Krushers practice and decides to swing and think about her backstory. I know that when I get bored, I think about how I was born in South Carolina but moved to Florida when I was eight. Mary Anne comes over to tell Dawn that there’s the neatest new store. Dawn thinks it may be a records store or a clothes store. Since when does Dawn give a fuck about clothes? The only time I could think of when she gave a fuck about clothes was when she was trying to make herself over to get dick. And I don’t remember any of them caring about records. Well, I can kind of see Abby being interested in old Elvis records. I thought Dawn would be interested in a store selling organic juice or something. It turns out it’s a pet store
Chapter 2
Kristy asks Dawn how the Krushers looked during practice. Dawn says she doesn’t know because she doesn’t play sports. Yeah, I’m able to tell which way to hold the bat, but if you want critiques on how the players are standing or how their pitching is, you’re shit out of luck. Kristy wants to know if her kids are good enough to have a game against some kids from a town called New Hope. The coach there wants to arrange a game between the Bashers and the Krushers. I thought the Krushers were formed so kids who were too young to play softball or got rejected could get a chance to play. I guess Kristy thinks this will be like the movies where the rejected misfits manage to beat the other team. I’m not sure if people who got rejected from playing softball because they sucked or were too young would be able to beat a team with proper training.
Kristy is the president because the rest of the BSC don’t want to put up with her foot-stomping and screaming that the BSC was her idea and she gets to be in charge. They already have to deal with Dawn acting like she can’t breathe every time she steps into Claudia’s room because of all the junk food Claudia has. Kristy is also the president because she bullied her way into it. Dawn actually thinks Kristy is a good leader. I always thought a good leader would be willing to at least listen to other ideas and work with the group. Kristy is the type to dictate what everyone does and bully them into doing it. She wouldn’t be willing to listen to other ideas or other opinions.
I always wondered if someone ever sat on a candy bar or something at Claudia’s. I also want to know how they consult the notebook when they want to know something about a sitting job. Let’s say that one sitter wanted to know how Kristy handled the Toilet Monster. Do they just flip through the notebook and skim all the entries until they see a mention of the toilet monster? I’m just imagining them looking through the notebook trying to find the entry and someone being like, “Why don’t you just ask Kristy?” I’m not sure how the notebook is organized. I just assume that they write the entry and that’s it. Is there an organization system? Do they date the entries?
Mrs. Mancusi calls to say that she and her husband are going on a trip and need a pet sitter. Don’t they have anyone else they can call? They don’t have any friends or family members? I wouldn’t trust the BSC with my pet, my kid, my stuffed animal, or my candy. Dawn gets the job because the universe hates her. I hope she steps in dog shit or that one of the dog farts and it smells really nasty. Of course Dawn would take the smell to mean that the dog’s diet in somehow inferior to hers.
Chapter 3
Dawn goes over to meet the animals. She feels stupid chatting to them. I don’t feel stupid when I talk to my dog. I’m sure my dog is a more interesting conversationalist than Dawn. At least he won’t badger me about my eating habits. The worst he’ll do is give me puppy dog eyes to see if I’ll share my food. Dawn goes over on Saturday. The doorbell rings and the dogs make such a racket. We got our dog from my mom’s friend. One day we took our dog over to visit his siblings and when we rang the doorbell they put up such a racket. I’m pretty sure they were shoving each other away from the window so they could have a better look. My dog also goes nuts when he hears someone at the door.
Jessi comes over with Becca, Charlotte, and Squirt because I guess the BSC still wants to treat the Mancusi animals like a personal petting zoo for their charges. Did the Mancusis say it was totally cool for Dawn to bring a bunch of children to play with their animals while they weren’t home? I’d be pretty annoyed if I hired a sitter for my dog and they decided to invite a kid over to my house to play with my dog while I’m not there. My dog is very friendly and likes people, but I’m not sure how he’ll interact with everyone. For example, his claws are a little long, so when he jumps up on someone he could scratch them. He scratched me a couple of times. I’m not sure how he deals with little kids because he’s never been around them. I’m not sure how he’d react if they hugged him too tightly or pulled on his ears.
Jessi and Dawn don’t know either because it’s not like they hang around the Mancusis a lot. They aren’t experts in how the animals will react to certain things. And some of these animals are big. Cheryl is a Great Dane. So I’m pretty sure Cheryl could knock down Squirt and maybe Becca and Charlotte even if she was just trying to say hi. The girls decide to take the dogs for a walk and Dawn actually decides not to let Becca and Charlotte walk Cheryl because she could pull both of them into traffic. I’m shocked no one suggested that Cheryl give rides to Squirt or any of the other little kids or something equally as stupid.
While everyone is walking the dogs, Dawn sees a green car slowing down while they pass. Maybe it’s the Mystery Machine and Scooby Doo and the gang are here to solve a crime. Then Kristy will get upset because only the BSC gets to solve crimes and the cops will be like, “Do we even solve crimes any more or do we leave it to a bunch of teenagers?” Okay, I know the Mystery Machine is a van and not a car, but let me have my fun.
Anyway, the green car keeps following them and going more and more slowly each time. Seriously, the guy may as well just write, “I’m a child kidnapper/ crook on his car in big letters while shouting out through the windows that he’s going to do something nefarious because he has no subtlety. I’m imagining next time he’ll write, “Free Candy,” on the windows, and Claudia will run to get in the car. I’m imagining what would happen if the guy did come out and grabbed Becca and Charlotte. I think there was one book called Kristy and the Kidnapper. I looked up reviews and it sounds so batshit I have to read it to see if the reviewers weren’t being sarcastic. But I’m just imagining Becca and Charlotte being kidnapped and Kristy being upset because the girls were kidnapped from under their noses and that could be bad for the BSC’s reputation, so she wants to solve the case.
Jessi and Dawn take the girls home and tell them not to talk to strangers. Was stranger danger a big thing when these books were published?
Chapter 4
The dogs greet Dawn enthusiastically because they know she’s going to feed them, not because they like her. That’s because dogs are excellent judges of character. They know Dawn is evil. I wouldn’t trust Dawn to feed my pets. She’d probably decide that all the animals should be vegetarians. Dawn takes Cheryl outside while she feeds the rest of the animals. Cheryl is 120 pounds. I’m pretty sure she could have injured Squirt. She was able to drag Dawn a few feet. Dawn says Cheryl is a strong one. I’m shocked Dawn didn’t make a comment about how stupid she was being for talking to an animal.
Dawn goes back outside after she’s finished checking on the rest of the animals and sees Cheryl is gone. The hook isn’t broken. Dawn wonders if Cheryl can get loose or if someone unhooked her as a prank. She decides to find Cheryl and ask questions later. Jessi helps Dawn search for Cheryl, but they don’t find her. When the Mancusis come back, Dawn tells them what happened and they say they don’t blame her. They also say that Cheryl will turn up soon, but it’s obvious they’re worried. I’d be worried if my dog went missing. I’m just imagining Kristy saying they have to find Cheryl because she went missing while Dawn was pet sitting and that proves Dawn was irresponsible and that means that clients won’t trust the BSC with their kids. Of course, Kristy does like dogs so maybe she’ll feel some sense of empathy for them.
Chapter 5
Claudia and Mallory babysit Mallory’s siblings. Claudia is wearing something really tame for her standards-a blue dress with white polka dots, white leggings, and white polka dot earrings. That sounds really tame and kind of cute. I’d probably wear the dress. I actually do have a dark blue dress with white polka dots. I’ve never liked the feel of leggings, so I wouldn’t wear them. The kids are having an after school snack. Mallory scolds Byron for eating the cake. She’s probably worried Claudia will get on her ass for not serving the triplets something healthy for an after school snack. I would have a hard time forgetting how horrible the BSC was when I first wanted to join and be really conscious of my mistakes when I was on a joint babysitting job if I was Mallory. I’m also shocked Claudia isn’t trying to sneak a piece of the cake.
And Jordan is eating peanut butter and ketchup. I’m just imagining how that will taste and it sounds disgusting. I’m shocked the kids aren’t making Mallory get all their snacks and then going, “I don’t like how this tastes. I don’t want it.” Oh, and the Pikes are actually capable of cleaning up the kitchen. I’m surprised they know how to wipe their own asses. I’m not sure if it’s possible to fuck up the chores they had to do. The triplets unloaded the dishwasher. Vanessa wipes the counters. I’m not sure if you can fuck up unloading the dishwasher, but I’m shocked Vanessa knows how to wipe a counter. Wiping something is a really hard job. Byron can’t even wipe his own milk and Sharon just knocks the crumbs to the floor when she wipes the counter. Margo puts stuff away. So if the Pikes are capable of doing chores, why don’t the parents ever ask them to do stuff? I know that when my mom asks me to do something, my response is, “Why can’t my brother do it?”
They go to the Krushers practice and see the same car that was following Jessi and Dawn around while they walked the dogs. They think the car belongs to a child kidnapper and vow to talk about it at the next meeting and go over stranger danger with the kids. Kristy tells the kids that some rival baseball team wants to have a game with the Bashers and the Krushers. The Bashers and Krushers will form one team. Only the older kids will be eligible to play, because Bart and Kristy want to win.
Dawn says Kristy doesn’t say this because she doesn’t want to hurt any feelings. I have a hard time believing that Kristy or Dawn give a fuck about hurting feelings. The little kids on Kristy’s team are upset because they want to play. Claire throws a tantrum and has to be carried off the field. I’m sure they would have called Jenny a horrible brat if she pulled a stunt like that. Claire throws three more tantrums. So she throws four tantrums in one day? And yet Jenny’s the bratty one? Mallory looks fed up and drained at the end of the day because Claire is still screaming. I would have had half a mind to carry Claire straight home. Actually, I’d have started screaming myself. Or crying. I know that I would not have been able to get away with throwing one tantrum, never mind four when I was a kid. I'm not sure if Mallory will tell her parents about Claire's behavior. Then again, I doubt they'd care.