BSC SS #11: Illustrations, or photographs? You decide.
Inspired by lisaerins enjoyable snark of the BSC Remember, I decided to make a mini-snark about the illustrations in said book, because I'm a simple human being who prefers picture books to all those annoying words and such.
I loved this book a lot when it first came out. First, that sweet ass gold shiny cover made this book seem, like, a billion times more special than the other SS's. The illustrations, no matter how cheesy, have always held a special place in my heart. As I grew up I silently started to wonder about a few of them, because these were obviously pictures that the sitters had of themselves to use for their "most vivid memory" essay. So, given the context of "are these illustrations, or real, live photographs in their possession?", I have been wondering about the Creep Factor involved.
-Kristy's illustration, playing in the yard with David Michael and Louie is just so cute. But I wonder--we're told she's baby-sitting DM, alone, by herself. So who the fuck took the picture? And more importantly, what freak in a windowless van with "CANDY" spraypainted on the side took this picture and then GAVE it to her, all "heeere you go, little girl. Here's a picture of you and your little brother frolicking in the yard with your little puppy. Heh heh heh, never fear, I have 10 copies of my own!" Creep Factor: 10/10.
-Stacey's picture is her and Laine (or maybe Allison?) waltzing down the street together. Is some random dude running around NYC, snapping photos of people? Isn't that a "thing", like an artistic thing? It may be artistic, but it's still creepy because Stacey, thats why. Creep Factor: 8/10.
-Claudia, 6 years old, coloring and working hard at her first "real" homework assignment is passable because if I were Mimi, I would be taking a picture of that, too. Creep Factor: 0/10.
-Same with Jessi sitting in a rocking chair holding Squirt. So cute and totally a moment I'd want to capture. (This is one of my favorite pictures in the entire series because Jessi + baby brother + rocking chair = instant "aww" noises.) Creep Factor: 0/10.
-Logan? It's him staring blankly at MA as she walks towards him in the hallway. Whoever took this picture is seriously a creeper. It was probably the pedophile janitor peeking out of the broom closet. (I will award it one single point because Logan's expression is fucking HILARIOUS. He looks like he's got screaming diarrhea that's going to make an appearance at any second and here comes his crush, smiling all sweet, and he's trying his damndest to look cool and casual and not at all like he's 2 seconds away from ass-blasting all over the lockers.) Creep Factor: 9/10
-Mal, looking absolutely adorable and nervous waiting to meet her beloved author. I suppose her mother could have taken the picture, but since Mrs. Pike doesn't even seem to like her kids half of the time I'll give it a fair 5/10. (Plus, I wouldn't put it past the evil side of Dee to have taken this picture just so she could spread it around on Mals wedding day and embarrass the shit out of her.) Plus, if my kid were standing in line, nervous as hell, waiting to meet someone she admired with all her heart and I was snapping pictures she'd probably disown me on the spot. Meh. Make that a 4/10.
-Shannon. Boring Shannon reading a boring book while looking bored and holding a boring pen in her probably boring hand. Not a horrible illustration, but the Creep Factor (if this were a true snapshot) explodes on my Creep-O-Meter, because WHY would anyone just randomly take a picture of a 13 year old girl reading a book. 15/10.
-Dawn! Dawn is sitting on a plane, staring out the window looking pensive/worried/upset/constipated. Normally I'd say this is an excellent illustration on how Dawn is probably feeling being all "bi-coastal" and whatnot, but the Creep-O-Meter has yet to recover from Shannon, and melts into a smouldering pile of lava. IF this is indeed a photograph, there would have been no other choice for Dawn except to ask Jeff to take the shot, or asking a perfect stranger sitting next to her (or perhaps a flight stewardess) to do so. The sad part is, I can totally see her handing a stranger the camera and saying "will you take a picture of me staring out the window while looking anxious?" Creep Factor: 15/10.
-Mary-Anne! This looks like a pretty normal picture of 3 pretty normal kids having a snack and goofing off. I have no idea who took the picture and I don't care. I've got pictures of myself and my friends like this from when I was little, and pictures of my daughter and her friends hanging around and being silly, so I won't be too hard on this one. I will give it a 1/10, only because Kristy seems to be smiling eerily with her hands all over MA, and she also appears to have a sippy cup vs. a glass to hold her beverage, which cracks me up but will probably also haunt me until the day I die.
I loved this book a lot when it first came out. First, that sweet ass gold shiny cover made this book seem, like, a billion times more special than the other SS's. The illustrations, no matter how cheesy, have always held a special place in my heart. As I grew up I silently started to wonder about a few of them, because these were obviously pictures that the sitters had of themselves to use for their "most vivid memory" essay. So, given the context of "are these illustrations, or real, live photographs in their possession?", I have been wondering about the Creep Factor involved.
-Kristy's illustration, playing in the yard with David Michael and Louie is just so cute. But I wonder--we're told she's baby-sitting DM, alone, by herself. So who the fuck took the picture? And more importantly, what freak in a windowless van with "CANDY" spraypainted on the side took this picture and then GAVE it to her, all "heeere you go, little girl. Here's a picture of you and your little brother frolicking in the yard with your little puppy. Heh heh heh, never fear, I have 10 copies of my own!" Creep Factor: 10/10.
-Stacey's picture is her and Laine (or maybe Allison?) waltzing down the street together. Is some random dude running around NYC, snapping photos of people? Isn't that a "thing", like an artistic thing? It may be artistic, but it's still creepy because Stacey, thats why. Creep Factor: 8/10.
-Claudia, 6 years old, coloring and working hard at her first "real" homework assignment is passable because if I were Mimi, I would be taking a picture of that, too. Creep Factor: 0/10.
-Same with Jessi sitting in a rocking chair holding Squirt. So cute and totally a moment I'd want to capture. (This is one of my favorite pictures in the entire series because Jessi + baby brother + rocking chair = instant "aww" noises.) Creep Factor: 0/10.
-Logan? It's him staring blankly at MA as she walks towards him in the hallway. Whoever took this picture is seriously a creeper. It was probably the pedophile janitor peeking out of the broom closet. (I will award it one single point because Logan's expression is fucking HILARIOUS. He looks like he's got screaming diarrhea that's going to make an appearance at any second and here comes his crush, smiling all sweet, and he's trying his damndest to look cool and casual and not at all like he's 2 seconds away from ass-blasting all over the lockers.) Creep Factor: 9/10
-Mal, looking absolutely adorable and nervous waiting to meet her beloved author. I suppose her mother could have taken the picture, but since Mrs. Pike doesn't even seem to like her kids half of the time I'll give it a fair 5/10. (Plus, I wouldn't put it past the evil side of Dee to have taken this picture just so she could spread it around on Mals wedding day and embarrass the shit out of her.) Plus, if my kid were standing in line, nervous as hell, waiting to meet someone she admired with all her heart and I was snapping pictures she'd probably disown me on the spot. Meh. Make that a 4/10.
-Shannon. Boring Shannon reading a boring book while looking bored and holding a boring pen in her probably boring hand. Not a horrible illustration, but the Creep Factor (if this were a true snapshot) explodes on my Creep-O-Meter, because WHY would anyone just randomly take a picture of a 13 year old girl reading a book. 15/10.
-Dawn! Dawn is sitting on a plane, staring out the window looking pensive/worried/upset/constipated. Normally I'd say this is an excellent illustration on how Dawn is probably feeling being all "bi-coastal" and whatnot, but the Creep-O-Meter has yet to recover from Shannon, and melts into a smouldering pile of lava. IF this is indeed a photograph, there would have been no other choice for Dawn except to ask Jeff to take the shot, or asking a perfect stranger sitting next to her (or perhaps a flight stewardess) to do so. The sad part is, I can totally see her handing a stranger the camera and saying "will you take a picture of me staring out the window while looking anxious?" Creep Factor: 15/10.
-Mary-Anne! This looks like a pretty normal picture of 3 pretty normal kids having a snack and goofing off. I have no idea who took the picture and I don't care. I've got pictures of myself and my friends like this from when I was little, and pictures of my daughter and her friends hanging around and being silly, so I won't be too hard on this one. I will give it a 1/10, only because Kristy seems to be smiling eerily with her hands all over MA, and she also appears to have a sippy cup vs. a glass to hold her beverage, which cracks me up but will probably also haunt me until the day I die.