The Babysitters Remember Prologue and Chapters 1-6
Prologue
Kristy is writing an essay about what she did for summer vacation. She did a lot of babysitting. She and Bart coached a softball team for little kids. She and Mary Anne went on a bike ride. And her brother did something. I don’t know which brother it was and what he did because the sentence ends there. I’m going assume Charlie said he was sick of being Kristy’s personal chauffeur and managed to pick the lock of the handcuffs because you know Kristy probably keeps him shackled to the steering wheel. He then threw the bottle Kristy gave him to piss in at her, and ran off with Janine, who was also sick of being treated like crap by her sibling. She and Charlie ran off to research the supernatural. Mallory joined them. The end.
The essay almost put me to sleep. I guess if I’m having a hard time falling asleep I should read this essay. Kristy complains that it’s boring. Of course it is. You’re writing a laundry list of events. Where’s the passion? Where’s the voice? Where are the sarcastic observations? Kristy is also complaining that there’s no way she can possibly fit everything she did on summer vacation in two pages. Then why don’t you just summarize or write the fucking highlights? Is she seriously going to write every single fucking thing she did over the summer? Is she going to write, “I woke up. I took a piss. I debated brushing my teeth, but decided not to. I ate breakfast. I decided to go hang around playgrounds so I can recruit kids to join my new marching band.” When I went back to school, it’s not like we recapped our entire summer vacation. We just shared something interesting that happened. Why doesn’t Kristy do that?
By the way, has anyone actually had to write a “What I did for Summer Essay?” We had to do that in Creative Writing. We had to write about the best moment and the worst moment of vacation. It was a pretty easy first assignment. I think this is just an assignment to get points in the grade book. It’s easy points. I highly doubt the teacher will look over Kristy’s essay and be like, “You had to have done a lot more than what you wrote here.” I’m pretty sure the teacher is just going to skim to make sure you have the required two pages and be done with it. I missed those easy assignments when I was in AP classes. Over the summer we had a bunch of books to read and essays to write. I didn’t do some of them and the work I did do I forgot at home. It really fucked my grades up. And in college I was taking five or four classes and I had to write a seven page research paper for each one. I know that’s light compared to some people’s assignments. I’d have just written about an incident and been done with it.
Kristy decides to become a teacher just so she can assign fun essay topic. So she’ll become an English teacher? Because English is the only subject I can think of where you’d have to write essays. Maybe you might have to write a paper on historical figures in history class or something. Anyway, I can kind of relate to Kristy because I wanted a more fun essay topic. All the essays I had to write in school were about whether or not kids watched too much TV, should art programs be cut, and should kids wear uniforms. After writing about that for most of my life I was like, “I don’t give a fuck.”
I can’t really see Kristy as an English teacher. I’m pretty sure you have to read and I can’t see Kristy reading. I can kind of see her as a gym teacher. I took a few classes involving kids in college. Two of them were about child development and one was about disorders and mental illness in childhood and adolescence. I can see Kristy just droning on about stuff the BSC did.
Actually, I don’t see how Kristy is having trouble writing two pages because she mentioned she did a lot of babysitting. Doesn’t that mean she should have put down, “I do a lot of babysitting. I even formed a club for it. It’s called the BSC, or Baby Sitter’s Club for short. I first got the idea when I was in seventh grade and my mom needed a sitter for my little brother, but no one was available. I thought it would be a great idea for parents to be able to call one number and get a bunch of sitters.” And then Kristy goes on to talk about the notebook, Kid Kits, and the backstory of each member while the poor teacher is like, “What the fuck is going on here?”
I’m sure that if Kristy was a teacher, there’d be a bunch of complaints about her when she started treating students like shit. I’m sure she wouldn’t be able to hide her disdain because a kid spilled something or tripped. Kristy would assign an essay about what you would do if you woke up and you were the last person on earth. Kristy would panic because there are no kids for her to babysit. She also wouldn’t assign a length. That means that a bunch of kids are probably going to write one sentence and be done with it. I know I would and I actually like writing.
Kristy says she had a slumber party, but she can’t describe it in two pages because shit went down. You can’t describe it because you don’t know the meaning of summarizing. What happened at the slumber party? Was it babysitters gone wild? I dreamed I was part of a threesome last night. Did that happen at the party? I dreamed someone was giving a blowjob and I was trying to touch the balls, but I kept snatching my hand back before I could do it. Besides, the girl giving a blowjob had her head in the way. Eventually I just texted my mom to pick me up. I can totally see that happening with Mary Anne and Stacey. Stacey is giving head and Mary Anne is trying to touch something but keeps chickening out until she calls Richard to come and get her.
The BSC came over for a sleepover. Not everyone could attend. Dawn wasn’t there, but she was there in spirit. No she wasn’t. You guys ate marshmallows and there was no unearthly shrieking. Later on, Mallory brings up the assignment. She’s writing down stuff that happens and she’s looking forward to writing it. Maybe she’ll write about how she got sick and couldn’t get out of bed, but her parents still made her do all the chores and watch her siblings. When the teacher found out this wasn’t a case of a teenager being all, “My life sucks, my parents never make my siblings do anything,” social services was called and Mallory was removed from the Pikes.
Claudia teases Mallory for being such a dork, because being a dork is the worst thing you can be. Well, that and fat. And clumsy. And neat. Those are the worst things in the world to be. Claudia assures Mallory that she’s just teasing, but that would carry more weight if she didn’t constantly look down on Janine and act like geeky guys are all pimply and have bad fashion sense. Karen comes in and I’d have been like, “The Spawn of Satan! Your powers mean nothing here!” Then I’d have tossed holy water at her. Kristy tucks Karen back into bed. For some reason the BSC gets into a pillow fight. Watson and Elizabeth come down to see what’s going on and then tell the BSC that if Emily wakes up she’s their problem. You assholes weren’t going to take care of her in the first place.
Kristy says they’ll keep it down because it’s a pain in the ass trying to get a two year old to go to sleep because she’ll want water, stories, etc. Kristy doesn’t want to do that. I’m shocked. I thought the BSC would have jumped at the chance to put a toddler to bed.
They discuss the essay topic and essay topics they’d rather be writing. Jessi suggests their most vivid memories. Mallory wants to talk about her happiest memory. Her happiest memory is when her parents said she could use her own money to buy pushdown socks. The BSC spends hours talking about their memories.
Chapter 1
Kristy’s most vivid memory has to do with babysitting. In other news, water is wet. In all fairness, babysitting is important to Kristy, so I guess she would remember a memory concerning babysitting. I remember when I first decided I wanted to be a writer. I was in second grade and my teacher had us write an essay about our favorite kind of weather. My teacher loved my essay so much she showed it to other teachers at recess and one teacher wanted to meet me. That’s how I decided I wanted to become a writer.
Kristy starts to recap the history of the BSC. She actually admits she’s digressing. I still think Kristy is going to hand in an entire book filled with the BSC backstories. Anyway, this chapter is basically just a recap of the BSC. Counting the hairs on my leg is more exciting.
Chapter 2
So after that completely unnecessary infodump, we finally get to the memory Kristy was talking about I can just see Kristy writing something for a school assignment and then being like, “But more on that later. Here’s an infodump about my friends.” I remember when we had to write essays for the FCAT and the ACT and SAT. Kristy wouldn’t have even gotten to writing about the topic because she’d find a way to talk about how Richard and Sharon used to date but split up but got back together when their kids reunited them.
Kristy is ten in this memory. She admires Elizabeth for raising four kids and working. Kristy’s deadbeat father can’t even send any money. Elizabeth hired a housekeeper to come and help with chores and to watch David Michael, but she doesn’t show up half the time. Kristy says Elizabeth should fire her. I agree with Kristy. It’s one thing not to show up because of sickness and family emergencies, but if you consistently aren’t showing up, you should be fired. Elizabeth can’t afford anyone else. Kristy says that she’s always been friends with Claudia and Mary Anne, but she and Mary Anne were best friends, while Claudia was still their friend, but not best friend.
Kristy’s memory starts one morning when they’re getting ready for school. The housekeeper, Mrs. Culp, calls to say she can’t come in. She doesn’t say why. For all I know, she could have just decided that she didn’t feel like babysitting that day. I know emergencies can happen, but if someone never shows up without giving a reason, I’m going to be suspicious. Elizabeth calls Mrs. Pike to pick up David Michael and asks Charlie and Sam to babysit. They’re both busy. Kristy begs her mom to let her watch David Michael. That babysitting obsession started early. I blame the BSC books for making me think babysitting was going to be awesome. I wanted to babysit so badly when I read these books. I never did babysit. The closest thing is when my little cousins come over, but I just turn on the TV and keep a slight eye on them while they do their own thing. And I’m not alone with them, so I just yell for an adult whenever I feel in over my head.
Come to think of it, books gave me a warped idea about some things in life. I blame “Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret.” For making me think getting my period would be awesome because all the girls were looking forward to it. I used to think that every stomach ache I got was a sign of my period coming. Now that I’m older, I don’t know why the fuck I thought bleeding for three days ever sounded like fun. Elizabeth agrees and Kristy acts like she just won the lottery or like me when I find out the library has books I want.
Chapter 3
Kristy can’t concentrate in school because she’s going to babysit! This is the most awesome thing to ever happen! Kristy goes home to prepare a healthy snack for David Michael. Somewhere, Dawn is nodding. Mrs. Newton calls to check up on Kristy. Kristy figures Elizabeth asked her to check up on Kristy. Yeah, I would probably check up on my kids if they were ten and four and home by themselves. Actually, I could probably have found another way to arrange childcare instead of having the ten year old look after the four year old.
David Michael comes home. Elizabeth calls to see how everything is going. Mary Anne calls because she wants Kristy to come over. She doesn’t like her babysitter. What happened to these babysitters after the BSC was formed? Did they all decide they hated kids and decided to quit? Did Kristy kidnap one of them and torture them as a warning? Also, couldn’t Elizabeth have asked Richard or someone else if they had any recommendations for a sitter? Maybe they would know someone Elizabeth could afford. Or maybe they could help babysit David Michael. Mimi lives next door and she’s nice. She’d probably do it for free and if she did charge money, I’m sure it would be something Elizabeth could afford. Mimi actually comes over to check on them. David Michael is happy because everyone loves Mimi.
Why didn’t Elizabeth ask Mimi to babysit? She’s reliable and David Michael loves her. Maybe she didn’t want to impose or something. Mrs. Newton calls again and so does Mrs. Pike. I wonder how old Mallory is and what chores the Pikes are making her do. She’s probably already cooking dinner and doing the laundry at this point. So if all the neighbors are checking up on them, why can’t they watch David Michael? Did Elizabeth not think of that? Did the neighbors tell her to eat a dick when she asked? Did Elizabeth think it would be inappropriate? Was she embarrassed? Because it seems like it would have been easier for David Michael to be babysat by Mimi or Mrs. Newton. They live close by and he knows them. It’s not like Elizabeth is leaving him with a stranger. Maybe the book was getting too long and they had to cut out the part where Kristy threw a tantrum because she wanted to babysit David Michael when Elizabeth realized she could just ask Mimi or Mrs. Newton to watch him.
Elizabeth comes home and sees the house isn’t on fire and David Michael still has all his limbs and organs. She finally fires Mrs. Culp. The kids have to do more chores and babysit more often. This incident lead to Kristy being the babysitting fanatic we know today.
Chapter 4
Stacey writes to her father to tell him about her most vivid memory, which isn’t about how her parents can’t even be in the same room without fighting or about the time she gave her first handjob.in fairness, I wouldn’t share that memory with my father. Stacey’s memory takes place when she was eleven. She hasn’t been diagnosed with diabetes. She’s entering sixth grade. I was nervous and excited about starting middle school. On one hand, I was starting middle school. On the other hand, my teachers had made sure to mention how difficult middle school would be. Stacey wants to get straight A’s (this is probably before she figured out she can get straight A’s by giving blowjobs) try out for soccer (as in, playing the sport, not trying out the whole team ) and making new friends.
It’s kind of weird to see Stacey interested in a sport. She’s never given a shit about them before. I guess this might be justified because she was eleven and we can lose interest in things. I was interested in tarot cards in seventh grade because my friend was. Once she moved I lost interest. But this soccer thing is never brought up again. Stacey doesn’t even offhandedly mention that she was interested in trying out for soccer but decided it wasn’t for her. I was interested in soccer so my parents signed me up for a soccer camp. I hated it. I had to go every Saturday. I sucked. All the kids were older and better than me. I gave it up.
Stacey drinks two tall glasses of juice. Maureen tells her to take it easy and Stacey says she’s thirsty. She blames it on the bag of potato chips she ate last night. She never pigs out like that. Maureen chalks it up to Stacey being a growing girl. Stacey runs off before Maureen can measure her because Laine doesn’t like to be kept waiting. She has a temper and likes to be in charge and is one of the popular girls. So she’s Kristy except she bathes and instead of giving you a death glare she’ll stab you with a stylish heel. What is it about these friendships? Whatever happened to bonding over shared interests and experiences? What happened to being able to discuss different things instead of just tuning your friend out? I hate to be kept waiting, but I understand that things happen. I’m not going to make my friend so scared that she’ll break a red light and cause an accident trying to get to the meeting.
Some girl named Marty left the Plastics. Laine was in charge of the group. I was totally unaware of social groupings and hierarchies in school. If there was a popular clique I didn’t know about it. I spent most of my time reading. I did have a few friends, but I was a loner. Laine says that people will be falling over their feet to be part of the Plastics. Stacey says that sounds snobby but doesn’t say so. It’s kind of funny seeing a BSC member think someone is being snobby, but this the BSC. Self awareness is not their strong suit. I don’t think I was self aware as a teenager.
There’s a new girl at school, Alison Ritz. Stacey tries to befriend her and invites her to sit with her without consulting Regina George. I mean, Kristy Thomas. I mean, Laine Cummings. Apparently the group needs permission to invite people to sit with them. Maureen measures and weighs Stacey when she gets home. Even though she’s been pigging out on junk food, she’s lost four pounds. Stacey isn’t Claudia, so how is that possible? Actually, Claudia doesn’t lose weight whenever she pigs out. I guess she just stays at the same weight. Deidre calls Stacey to invite her to a sleepover. Stacey wants to invite Allison, but Deidre has to check with Laine. What is with the friendships being totally controlling? It’s Deidre’s party. Doesn’t that mean she’s in charge of who she wants there? Why doesn’t someone tell Laine and Kristy that they aren’t in charge of the universe? Well, Wendy did.
Chapter 5
Laine is mad that Stacey dared interact with someone without her permission. Stacey says she wants to be nice to Allison because she doesn’t know anyone and is new. I’m remembering when Ashley was new and Stacey was basically acting like how Laine is acting now. Then again, Allison turns out to be a bitch, so maybe Stacey has issues with new people. Stacey is still eating a lot because she’s hungry all the time. Her parents are still chalking it up to puberty. It wouldn’t hurt to get a checkup just to make sure this excess eating and drinking is just puberty. I went to the doctor when I first got my period and it was really heavy just to make sure nothing was wrong with me.
Laine ends the conversation by saying Stacey’s going to turn into a fat ho if she keeps eating. For the next few days, Stacey keeps eating and her parents still haven’t noticed. I guess parents don’t notice anything about their kids. Look how long it took the Pikes to realize something was wrong with Mallory when she had mono. I’m pretty sure they only took her to the doctor because they weren’t going to take care of their own kids. My mom notices when I complain about being cold even though it’s eighty degrees or when my brother sleeps longer than sleeping beauty.
The day of the sleepover, Stacey feels dizzy. She tries to rest, but she keeps getting up to get water. Are her parents home? Would they have noticed Stacey getting up every five minutes to get water? Who am I kidding-these parents wouldn’t notice shit about their kids. During the sleepover, Allison says she nearly got lost and Laine has to be a bitch. What is Laine’s deal with Allison? She just immediately decided she didn’t like her. I guess she was jealous Stacey was talking to her. I was jealous that my best friend had other friends. But I didn’t act like a huge asshole.
Deidre orders three large pizzas and Laine acts like they’re about to have a twenty course meal with large servings. My family consists of four people and we order two pizzas. One for my mom and brother, one for my dad and I. My dad doesn’t like pepperoni and neither do I. There are five girls there. I’m sure five girls are capable of finishing a pizza by themselves. Okay, maybe Laine won’t eat, but if the girls take two slices each I’m sure they can finish one pizza. Besides, it’s best to order extra pizza in case someone wants extra slices. I like to pig out, so I’d want extra pizza so I can take an extra slice and not feel guilty. One pizza is also for Deidre’s family.
Allison wants anchovies on her pizza. Everyone acts like she wanted used tissues on it. I don’t like anchovies, but it’s not an unusual topping. Stacey solves this problem logically by saying they can get anchovies on certain slices. Stacey continues to snack and asks for more soda. She blames it on the pizza being salty. Laine snots that it’s probably because of Allison’s anchovies. Stacey takes Laine aside to tell her to stop being such an asshole. Now if only someone gave Kristy this lecture. Laine stops making snide comments under her breath.
Stacey ends up sharing the bed with Laine and pees by mistake. She makes such a racket that everyone comes running. Laine is still shrieking like someone poured acid on her. I would be totally grossed out if someone peed on me, but Laine is totally milking it. Stacey wants everyone to stop staring at her. She wants to call her parents to come get her. Allison is grossed out that Stacey wet the bed. Maureen comes to get her. Stacey says she doesn’t feel well and Maureen chalks it up to embarrassment. Stacey didn’t say she was embarrassed. I’m sure she is, but she said she doesn’t feel well. It’s not like she was saying that this is the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to her and she wants to die. Maybe Maureen thought Stacey was sick with embarrassment.
Chapter 6
Stacey thinks something is wrong with her. Her parents agree, but they think she has psychological issues. I’m sure bed-wetting could be a sign of this, but I love how Maureen and Ed are completely ignoring that Stacey is constantly thirsty and hungry, and yet keeps losing weight. I guess they just focused on one symptom and decided Stacey has psychological problems. It seems stupid not to tell all the symptoms of something. How the hell is a doctor going to give a correct diagnosis if you leave something out?
Dr. Sherman asks how school was. Stacey’s friends are assholes and told the whole school about the bed-wetting. Well, maybe not the whole school, but they weren’t keeping it a secret. It seems like an asshole thing to do to tell people that your friend went the bed at the party. Dr. Sherman asks if Stacey wet the bed before and she considers lying. Then she figures he probably has magical psychologist powers and can tell when she’s lying. She wet the bed recently, but she changed the sheets in the middle of the night and her parents didn’t notice. Did she wash the sheets she peed on? My dog peed on my sheets and you could still smell them before you washed them. Hell, I could still smell the pee after I changed my sheets.
Stacey mentions that she’s constantly hungry and loses weight. She says she’s also dizzy. Dr. Sherman asks if Maureen is outside and asks Stacey to call her in. He says he thinks that Stacey has diabetes and to take her somewhere to make sure. We all know that Stacey has diabetes. So that means Stacey has to learn to give herself shots. She thinks she can learn to eat the proper food, give herself shots, and make the best of it. No, she can’t. She has brittle diabetes or some shit like that, which means that she’ll die if she even looks at a candy wrapper and her parents treat her like an invalid. Stacey misses soccer tryouts because she’s in the hospital. She becomes a pariah at school because Allison spread the story that Stacey wet the bed. Laine likes this so much that she invites Allison to be part of the group, despite the fact that she hated Allison. So Laine’s a backstabbing bitch.
School really sucks for Stacey. Her friends abandon her. Half the kids of school think she’s faking illness for attention because she’s absent a lot and the other half thinks that diabetes is contagious. I wonder if there are some kids who were aware diabetes isn’t contagious. Maybe diabetes was a metaphor for something else. Stacey’s parents become really overprotective. During dinner Ed says that he’s being transferred to Connecticut. He’s worried Stacey will be upset, but after the bullshit she went through she’s like, “Fuck New York. Let’s go to Connecticut.” Yeah, I’d have been telling that place to kiss my ass if I were Stacey. When she gets to Connecticut, she decides not to tell people about her diabetes because she doesn’t want to be treated like an invalid or a leper. Yeah, I wouldn’t have wanted to say I was diabetic if I was treated like Stacey. But we all know Stacey joins the BSC and tells them about her diabetes.