BSC #18 - Stacey's Mistake part 2
Claudia's postcard to her family involves the phrase I bought a pair of baggy sox and Mary Ann allmost got arested but don’t tell her father. I'm laughing because I'm picturing the Kishis being like "Oh, shit, we should probably tell Richard - wait, no, Claudia said we can't. Boo."
Before we get to the fun teen drama, Stacey has to drag everyone around to meet their future sitting charges. On the one hand, that's responsible, and I guess AMM felt the need to set up the kids' characters. On the other, it's insanely boring to read about.
The first kid, Leslie, causes Stacey to bitch about being a "picky brat" in the vein of Jenny Prezzioso, though she concedes she's "not a bad kid." So she talks her up like some sort of demonspawn. This is how the introduction goes down:
- Leslie barrels over to Stacey excitedly to hug her.
- Stacey comments that Leslie is a bit underdeveloped, having been born at under four pounds (hey, me too! I was just under. Must be a New York kid thing ;) ) and never having caught up with the other kids, describing her as "spindly."
- The Reameses, Leslie's parents, request that Leslie not be allowed to do any "prolonged running" and remind Stacey of her wheat allergy. Leslie also says "Keep me away from dogs.
- THIS IS LITERALLY IT.
The child is "picky" because she has a fucking FOOD ALLERGY?! (We see later in the book that Leslie isn't otherwise a picky eater and actually has a broader palate than most children her age.) You would think a goddamn DIABETIC would be sympathetic to this. And I guess a little kid's fear of dogs is a personal insult to them. They probably think Leslie should just suck it up and get over it, because it interferes with their idea of what a kid should be like. The "prolonged running" thing is a little weird but that alone hardly makes people unreasonable lunatics. And the kid clearly likes Stacey and is excited to see her.
In the elevator, which Dawn is afraid of, Mary Anne MOCKS THE CHILD'S ALLERGIES and Claudia mocks the parents for being "worrywarts." WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE ASSHOLES?! Yeah, how over the top to be concerned about your child's potentially life-threatening condition.
They meet the Walkers, who are black but absolutely no big deal is made of this. I guess diversity in a city doesn't require self-congratulatory speeches? Henry and Grace are five and three and are shy and barely speak. God, if only they had more kids like that in these books.
Next they meet Two girls. Natalie is ten and Peggie is eight. Natalie will be the oldest kid in the group tomorrow. Wait till you see the Upchurches’ apartment. Oh, but don’t say anything about it, you guys. And there’s no Mrs. Upchurch. The parents are divorced and the kids live with their father, okay?”
“Okay,” said Kristy, who usually assumes that people mean her when they say not to mention something.
HA. A single dad with custody of the kids is pretty uncommon in these books.
I just knew the Upchurch girls would surprise my friends - and they did. They are smart, worldly New York kids. They’re not sassy, they’re just sophisticated, I guess. (They’re probably a lot like I was when I was younger.)
There's nothing smart about these kids, or sophisticated. They're annoying hipster douches.
Then Natalie and Peggie began telling us about the creative theater group they belong to.
“We express emotions through actions,” said Peggie.
“We’ve learned that the theater is really a stage for life,” added Natalie.
That's not sophistication. That's annoying hipster douchery.
Kristy waited until the five of us were on the elevator before she said, “I hope Peggie and Natalie can handle something as down-to-earth as dead dinosaurs in a museum.”
Normally I'd tell Kristy to shut up, but I'll let this one slide.
The Barreras and the DeLucas only get mentioned by name. The littlest Barrera knows and hates Leslie. Yet you still felt that putting them in a group together was the thing to do? Also, I take it we're supposed to side with Cissy - besides being outdated, why would you name a kid a euphemism for taking a piss? - even though Leslie has been nothing but perfectly nice?
Claudia moans about how tragic it is that the kids are all inside on such a nice day. Oh, shut up, Claudia. Not everyone needs to run around screaming like a howler monkey to have fun. Some kids like to play inside. Or even read. Or do art projects. You know, those things you're obsessed with? And there are these things called playgrounds. Stacey insists there isn't one nearby, but I call bullshit. There's always one nearby. If the kids want to go, the parents can take them. Or hire a baby-sitter like the people of Stoneybrook. There are three playground within immediate walking distance of me. Granted one of them is one of those shitty fenced-in blacktops with a couple of basketball hoops, a batting cage, and nothing else, but that's right across the street from a good one. There are a fuckton of them in Central Park, which Stacey lives right near.
http://www.centralparknyc.org/maps/ go on, take your pick.
Or just take them to the nearest field in Central Park and let them run around shrieking for a while. I don't get why people act like raising a kid in a city means they spend their entire life indoors.
Chapter 6
Laine, if you remember, is my best friend here in New York. Claudia was my best friend in Connecticut. Each girl knew about the other, but they hadn’t met. That night would be the first time. I was certainly they would get along, since I like them both so much, although when I thought about it, I realized that they didn’t have much in common. Laine is super-smart, and Claudia may be smart, but she doesn’t do well in school. Claudia likes arts and crafts, Laine likes foreign movies; Claudia reads Nancy Drew mysteries, Laine reads French poetry; Claudia likes junk food, Laine likes gourmet food. (She has even eaten pigeon.) Still, since opposites attract, I just knew Laine and Claudia would hit it off. Besides, they did have one thing in common - me!“
Honest question - do you think Stacey really is this naive or she's secretly kind of hoping they'll have a jealous catfight over her affections? Because...seriously, how does she not see a disaster like this coming?
Also, nice backpedaling - you know she started to think "And Claudia has the IQ of a pancake." And yeah, I know when I'm looking for friends, I seek out people I have literally nothing in common with.
Mary Anne tells everyone they have to wear what Stacey says, because they have to dress "New York" to fit in. And because she and Kristy are best friends and she is so goddamn sensitive, she adds
“You especially, Kristy. You wear what Stacey says.”
Luckily, Kristy being Kristy, is unimpressed.
“I hope Stacey says jeans, a sweater, a turtleneck, and sneakers, because that’s all I brought. And who made you Fashion Boss of the World, anyway?
I never thought I'd say this, but THANK YOU, KRISTY. Stacey, for her part, is like "It doesn't fucking matter, just wear whatever." She agrees to put together an outfit for Mary Anne and makes another snide comment about Claudia having anything MA could need to borrow. WHY is she so bothered by Claudia's crazy packing habits? It's not like she hasn't seen this before.
Mary Anne looked at all of us (even me) critically.
“Kristy, borrow an outfit from Claudia, okay?” she said.
Kristy was wearing a white turtleneck with little red and blue hearts all over it, a red sweater, jeans, and sneakers.
“Claudia and I are not exactly the same size,” said Kristy, who is not only quite short, but also completely flat-chested. “Now get off my case.”
Kristy is my favorite right now. OH MY GOD MARY ANNE. IT IS NOT YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM WHAT ANYONE ELSE WEARS.
Mary Anne actually asks Stacey for permission for Kristy to wear that outfit. Stacey is basically speaking through gritted teeth at this point, totally done with her crap.
I also think it's weird that Kristy would own a heart-patterened turtleneck (I still don't get why she wears turtlenecks instead of t-shirts), but maybe it was one of those gifts from a relative who doesn't know you well situations, and Kristy being Kristy was like "Eh, it gets the job done, why not wear it?"
The other girls are wearing what sound like casual dresses - Dawn's wearing a sweater dress, not Laura Ashley for once.
And what of Mary Anne?
And what was Mary Anne, the fashion plate, wearing? Well, here’s a clue. She looked like she’d walked right out of the pages of Little House on the Prairie. I had chosen a bright, big-patterned sweater and a pair of black pants for her. She’d looked at them, shaken her head, replaced them in her suitcase [sic], and put on this other outfit - a ruffly white blouse, a long paisley skirt, and these little brown boots. It was very mature and attractive but, well, Mary Anne was the only one of my friends who, when dressed up, actually looked like she came from Connecticut. We could tell, though, that the clothes were new and that she really wanted to wear them, so no one said anything to her, despite the grief she’d given us earlier.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? After all that she decided she knows better than Stacey the born and bred New Yorker? Don't get me wrong, her outfit sounds adorable, despite being something they MOCKED ASHLEY WYETH FOR WEARING 6 BOOKS AGO, and there's never a reason for a Cosby sweater, but...man, Stacey is a bigger person than I am. I'd be yelling by now.
Mary Anne asks what you do at a New York party. Hookers and blow, Mary Anne. Hookers and blow.
Laine arrives, dressed to the height of sophistication:
Laine was beyond chic. She had chosen a short black dress, black stockings, and simple black flats. On one wrist was a single silver bangle bracelet. On her dress was one of those silver squiggle pins. Her fluffy brown hair was newly permed and perfectly cut. She looked wonderful - at least nineteen. My friends were speechless
Is...is this really awe-inspiring? It sounds pretty basic. I mean, it does sound adult, but less in a "sophisticated" way and more in a tame, reserved, appropriate-for-an-office-party way.
Then people start being real and stop being polite:
"So you’re the members of the Baby-sitters Club,” said Laine, smiling. “Stacey’s told me a lot about you.”
“She’s told us about you, too,” replied Claudia, and added, “You’re the only she had the big fight with after she found out she was diabetic, right?”
WHAT IN THE FUCK, CLAUDIA?! I guess she treats everyone she thinks might be held in higher regard than her like she does Janine, constantly on the offensive and throwing insults and complaints in their faces. Her insecurity is really aggravating. Believe me, I am more than understanding of her situation - I am the most insecure person who's ever lived when it comes to fear of being abandoned or replaced - but this is NOT THE FUCKING WAY TO HANDLE YOUR SHIT. Like...she couldn't even TRY to get along with Laine? I tried my ass off to get along with this bitch who tried to break up me and my girlfriend (I eventually unfriended her on Facebook because after two years of really trying I just really can't stand her. Even without that history, she's just someone I would never like.); I GET WHAT A SHITTY SITUATION IT CAN BE. But I also was insecure about my girlfriend's most recent ex - slash - now best friend. But I sucked that up, played nice - and she's one of my closest friends now. My point is, Claudia, yeah, sometimes you end up in a situation like the one you just created, because you can't get along with everyone. BUT IT HELPS TO FUCKING TRY BEFORE YOU START GETTING ALL AGGRESSIVE AND RUDE.
Laine, being the take no shit type, immediately responds with "And you’re the one she had the fight with when your little club almost broke up." Well-played, Cummings, well-played.
Stacey wonders why the hell she thought this was a good idea.
Chapter 7
Dawn ends her post card to her mother with "P.S. They have to have doormen here to keep murderers away." I'm...I'm not sure that's what doormen are for, but I guess if I were a murderer, I would avoid doorman buildings, so...I guess she's not wrong.
Stacey's had it up to HERE with her friends, and TBH, while I get being done with the hillbillies, I don't think Laine did anything wrong. I know "She started it!" is a childish excuse, but what's she supposed to do, pleasantly take it while Claudia hurls insults at her?
Mary Anne was being a pest. She kept pretending to be an expert on New York, trying to impress everyone and be all adult and sophisticated.
"Pretending" is an interesting way to put it. I mean, she sure has those stats memorized. But I don't know how knowing exactly how many acres are in Central Park is sophisticated or adult.
And Claudia and Laine wouldn’t stop sniping at each other. Maybe I’d been naive to think that they’d get along. Why should they? Each knew the other was my best friend, so they were jealous. I should at least have suspected that that might happen.
YES YOU SHOULD HAVE. YOU'RE A BUNCH OF THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRLS.
Let me back up, though, to Laine’s arrival. I could hardly believe what Claudia had said to her. If she was feeling jealous of Laine, why hadn’t she let me know beforehand? Oh, well. She hadn’t. Instead, she had sniped at Laine and Laine had sniped back. (She’s not one to ignore a snipe attack.)
I get not wanting to say anything to Stacey, but the thing is, if you're not going to talk about it, then fucking pretend you don't have a problem instead of taking it out on someone who DID NOTHING TO YOU.
It would be a funny plot twist if they turned on Stacey for talking about shit that paints them in a negative light to the other and bonded over that, though.
Mary Anne starts harassing Laine about living in The Dakota and how Rosemary's Baby was filmed there. Laine is like "I'm not allowed to see it or read it, so..." and Mary Anne freaks out about how they have that in common. God, that's embarrassing. Laine's shooting Stacey "GET ME OUTTA HERE" looks but Stacey's helpless against Mary Anne, who "was as excited as a puppy at Chuck Wagon time." That's certainly one urbane and sophisticated simile.
Mary Anne asks if celebrities live there. Laine says Yoko Ono does, and that John Lennon lived there. She doesn't mention John Lennon's murder, which would be my opener, but I guess that's a little grim for a BSC book. She names a few more people and out of context, Mary Anne seems a little too excited right now:
I thought Mary Anne would pass out from the sheerjoy of it all. “Oh! Oh!” she shrieked.
BRB bleaching my brain to get rid of the image I just got in my head.
Claudia gets snotty about what she seems to perceive as namedropping, despite the fact that Laine was answering a direct question, not bragging about it.
The intercom buzzes.
“Great!” I exclaimed. “The first guest!”
“I thought I was the first guest,” said Laine at the same time that Claudia said, “I thought we were your first guests. Remember us? The Baby-sitters Club?”
Stacey manages to only roll her eyes and mutter under her breath as she goes to let "Jim Fulton" upstairs. There's a cute exchange where she tells the doorman that he doesn't have to ring her to confirm every party guest - she gave him a list so he can just send them up. He agrees and tells her to have a nice day, which Stacey tells us he says at the end of every interaction no matter what time of day or night it is. I'm picturing Isaac's voice (can you picture a voice?) as being the doorman from Laverne and Shirley. Though that show might be a little too modern for this crowd.
A girl named Read Marcus shows up next, and Read is also Dawn's middle name, so that very strangely spelled and generally masculine name belonging to a girl must have some kind of history with AMM. It's too weird to just randomly show up twice.
Also, I just assumed Read was Dawn's mother's maiden name (I had a friend when I was younger whose middle name was Reid, which was her mother's maiden name), but that turned out to be Porter. Seeing it used as a first name I guess to AMM it's just another name. But it's so odd.
Wallflower Syndrome strikes and the BSC is too afraid to associate with anyone from New York. Stacey's happy to see Mary Anne chatting with Jim and Read until she gets close enough to hear Mary Anne spouting facts about the noteworthy buildings in the city. Stacey drags her away as she talks about the Edna St. Vincent Millay house, which is apparently only nine feet six inches wide (...I actually didn't know that, and next time I'm on that street I'm going to pay more attention to it and see if it looks that small on the outside. I guess the BSC can be educational after all.) Stacey's friends mutter about how weird she is, and I guess I should feel bad for Mary Anne, but she's been so fucking unbearable this whole book that I'm pretty happy that the people she's trying to impress don't like her.
Stacey gets to work trying to get her friends to mingle. She drags Kristy over to a guy named Coby - who, hilariously, is arguing with "Carl Bahadurian," which is such a random last name it must be a shout-out, and I know that "Carl" is the actual name of the kid who was the inspiration for Jackie Rodowsky, so I wonder if that was on purpose, over whether or not your eyes will get stuck if you cross them and have someone hit you on the back (heck, I can see Jackie doing what Carl is doing, which is preparing to demonstrate that someone can hit him and his eyes won't stay like that) - and is all "You both like sportball. Discuss."
Stacey's all, awww, Kristy's interested in a boy, she's growing up! Like, Stacey...she only became interested when you said he was the star forward of your school's basketball team and held two records. I don't think she's interested in him because she wants to bone him. I think she might actually just think he's someone cool she'd like to talk to for the night. Which, really, is way more fucking mature than assuming that every time a boy makes eye contact with you, he's in LUV.
Still not going so well for Mary Anne, though:
I saw Mary Anne walk right up to a group of kids she hadn’t even been introduced to and ask them how often they’d ridden the Staten Island Ferry. The kids gave each other “weirdo” looks. I didn’t blame them.
OH MY GOD, she's like an autistic child. I love New York, I do. I love it as much as AMM does. But it's really not that interesting to talk about, unless you're discussing stuff like "Guess which celebrity I saw buying tampons?" and "I saw a guy take a dump on the subway platform today. In the middle of rush hour." (Guess which one of these is taken from a friend's personal experience?) UNLESS you happen to have a particular interest in historical buildings and landmarks, or in engineering (we have some bomb-ass bridges). And I feel like most teenagers aren't so much into those things.
It's not getting any better in the California Casual Zone:
I saw Dawn glance nervously out the windows and then ask Read Marcus where the fire escape was.
“There isn’t one,” Read replied. “The building’s too tall for an outside escape. There are fire stairs at each end of the floor.”
“Oh,” said Dawn. “Thank goodness.”
Doesn't Stacey's dad have a fire escape in SS#6? Anyway, Dawn, there are these things called LOCKS you put on your windows. They work pretty well. And it's hard to climb UP a fire escape from the ground. Really, the only bad thing about having one was that one neighbor I had who liked to meditate out there. The incense stank like goat farts and it was summer, so I wasn't about to close the window. Fucking hipsters, man.
Stacey checks in on another Mary Anne conversation, and SHE IS TELLING EVERYONE WHO WILL LISTEN ABOUT DAWN'S NYC PHOBIA. She's telling them about every one of Dawn's fears and freakouts and all of the kids are laughing hysterically and staring at Dawn.
Dawn says nothing, but Stacey is PISSED. As she should be. As everyone should be. Mary Anne is supposed to be the "nice, sensitive" one. MY ASS. She's deliberately humiliating someone so that people will like her. We've never fucking seen COKIE MASON do that, Mary Anne. You asshole.
Kristy's having a good time, at least, dancing with that Coby guy, and things are starting to get flirty when Claudia cuts in and asks if she can have the slow dance with him. Kristy sulks off for the rest of the party (though she and Coby exchange addresses and phone numbers at the end of the night. God, the days before the Internet...if you didn't live near someone, that friendship was unsustainable as fuck.)
Everyone's in a shitty mood. Sadly this chapter doesn't end with some bitches getting their asses beat.
Chapter 7
Everyone's sitting in pissy silence and Stacey forces a chirpy voice as she starts to clean up. God, I can just picture her in an abusive relationship ten years from now, married to some guy she was in LUV with and got her knocked up at 16, fluttering around the kitchen, picking up the pieces of the dishes he's smashed, chattering chipperly at the kids about how don't worry, Daddy's just a little mad because he didn't get the promotion to assistant manager at McDonald's, just be quiet and he won't get madder.
Laine, pretty reasonably I think, asks if she's still invited to stay the night. Stacey's like "Of course I want you here!" but of course Claudia the asshole butts in to stay that they shouldn't force Laine to stay and she should only stay if she wants to. Oh my god, I can't deal with her crap. She's gone full Mary Anne in terms of passive aggression here, which Laine rises to meet by saying she's only staying if she's wanted.
In a gesture that makes me forgive Mary Anne a little, she, Kristy and Dawn all say they want Laine to stay. This whole situation is so goddamn awkward I wouldn't really have blamed them if they'd tried to stay out of it entirely.
Laine finally flat-out asks Claudia what the fuck she did to make Claudia act like this. Claudia, because it turns out she can get worse after all, pulls the "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you" bullshit. Oh my god. I pity anyone who dates Claudia. Can you fucking imagine? And maybe this crap is why she doesn't get along with her family - she's constantly pissed off and having fits that nobody can pinpoint the source of, so they're finally just like "Whatever, we tried" and she gets mad that they're not continuing to beg her to talk to them about whatever she won't tell them about.
Laine, rightly, calls her a jerk. Claudia calls her a stuck-up snob, and Kristy, who is winning points left and right with me in this book, tells Claudia that actually, Laine's right, she's being a total dick. Claudia asks why she's an "alleged jerk" - Stacey tells us she picked that word up from Nancy Drew, which seems like she's assuring us not to worry, that Claudia is still a moron, this broken clock just happens to be correct right now - and Kristy fires back that she's an actual jerk. Nice.
Claudia tries to defend herself for horning in on Coby, and while I would normally say it's not like he and Kristy were dating, it was pretty obvious that he and Kristy were enjoying each others' company and kinda sparking.
Stacey asks everyone to at least keep it down before her parents come in and try to help. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be funny, but it is. "For the love of god, I know we all hate each other, but we can all agree that NO ONE WANTS MY PARENTS INVOLVED GOD THEY'RE SO EMBARRASSING."
Stacey describes Dawn as "quiet" and "even-tempered," which, again, we all know why this is laughable. But then Dawn lays into Mary Anne for being a jerk, and MARY ANNE IS ACTUALLY CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT SHE DID. Mary Anne, of course, starts to cry, and Stacey thinks to herself "She's a champion crier." I love that, because it sounds like Stacey's implying that she's turning it on and off to manipulate people, which I suspect is true a lot of the time.
Laine declines to spend the night, and departs with an "It's been real." Claudia fires back "Real torture" AND OH MY GOD CLAUDIA YOU WON YOU CHASED HER OFF JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Stacey's done for the night. She orders Dawn and Kristy to share one bed (given how much they generally hate each other, man, when that's the best option you have, that says a lot), Claudia and Mary Anne to share the other, and storms off to sleep in her own room alone. Gotta say I don't blame her for this one.
She mentions having a "den," which...for all the shit-talking she's done in this book about the "rich" families in the building (I skipped over that, but she's a total snot about anyone whose apartment doesn't look like a tornado hit it or has nice things in it), her family must be loaded beyond belief because I have literally never fucking HEARD OF an apartment having a den. You get a living area, you get a kitchen area (these may be in the same area) if you're loaded, you may have a dining room, the rest is bedrooms if you have any. "Guest room" would have made a lot more sense.
Stacey lies to Dawn about having an alarm system so she'll shut the fuck up and go to sleep. I do not blame her one bit.
Before we get to the fun teen drama, Stacey has to drag everyone around to meet their future sitting charges. On the one hand, that's responsible, and I guess AMM felt the need to set up the kids' characters. On the other, it's insanely boring to read about.
The first kid, Leslie, causes Stacey to bitch about being a "picky brat" in the vein of Jenny Prezzioso, though she concedes she's "not a bad kid." So she talks her up like some sort of demonspawn. This is how the introduction goes down:
- Leslie barrels over to Stacey excitedly to hug her.
- Stacey comments that Leslie is a bit underdeveloped, having been born at under four pounds (hey, me too! I was just under. Must be a New York kid thing ;) ) and never having caught up with the other kids, describing her as "spindly."
- The Reameses, Leslie's parents, request that Leslie not be allowed to do any "prolonged running" and remind Stacey of her wheat allergy. Leslie also says "Keep me away from dogs.
- THIS IS LITERALLY IT.
The child is "picky" because she has a fucking FOOD ALLERGY?! (We see later in the book that Leslie isn't otherwise a picky eater and actually has a broader palate than most children her age.) You would think a goddamn DIABETIC would be sympathetic to this. And I guess a little kid's fear of dogs is a personal insult to them. They probably think Leslie should just suck it up and get over it, because it interferes with their idea of what a kid should be like. The "prolonged running" thing is a little weird but that alone hardly makes people unreasonable lunatics. And the kid clearly likes Stacey and is excited to see her.
In the elevator, which Dawn is afraid of, Mary Anne MOCKS THE CHILD'S ALLERGIES and Claudia mocks the parents for being "worrywarts." WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE ASSHOLES?! Yeah, how over the top to be concerned about your child's potentially life-threatening condition.
They meet the Walkers, who are black but absolutely no big deal is made of this. I guess diversity in a city doesn't require self-congratulatory speeches? Henry and Grace are five and three and are shy and barely speak. God, if only they had more kids like that in these books.
Next they meet Two girls. Natalie is ten and Peggie is eight. Natalie will be the oldest kid in the group tomorrow. Wait till you see the Upchurches’ apartment. Oh, but don’t say anything about it, you guys. And there’s no Mrs. Upchurch. The parents are divorced and the kids live with their father, okay?”
“Okay,” said Kristy, who usually assumes that people mean her when they say not to mention something.
HA. A single dad with custody of the kids is pretty uncommon in these books.
I just knew the Upchurch girls would surprise my friends - and they did. They are smart, worldly New York kids. They’re not sassy, they’re just sophisticated, I guess. (They’re probably a lot like I was when I was younger.)
There's nothing smart about these kids, or sophisticated. They're annoying hipster douches.
Then Natalie and Peggie began telling us about the creative theater group they belong to.
“We express emotions through actions,” said Peggie.
“We’ve learned that the theater is really a stage for life,” added Natalie.
That's not sophistication. That's annoying hipster douchery.
Kristy waited until the five of us were on the elevator before she said, “I hope Peggie and Natalie can handle something as down-to-earth as dead dinosaurs in a museum.”
Normally I'd tell Kristy to shut up, but I'll let this one slide.
The Barreras and the DeLucas only get mentioned by name. The littlest Barrera knows and hates Leslie. Yet you still felt that putting them in a group together was the thing to do? Also, I take it we're supposed to side with Cissy - besides being outdated, why would you name a kid a euphemism for taking a piss? - even though Leslie has been nothing but perfectly nice?
Claudia moans about how tragic it is that the kids are all inside on such a nice day. Oh, shut up, Claudia. Not everyone needs to run around screaming like a howler monkey to have fun. Some kids like to play inside. Or even read. Or do art projects. You know, those things you're obsessed with? And there are these things called playgrounds. Stacey insists there isn't one nearby, but I call bullshit. There's always one nearby. If the kids want to go, the parents can take them. Or hire a baby-sitter like the people of Stoneybrook. There are three playground within immediate walking distance of me. Granted one of them is one of those shitty fenced-in blacktops with a couple of basketball hoops, a batting cage, and nothing else, but that's right across the street from a good one. There are a fuckton of them in Central Park, which Stacey lives right near.
http://www.centralparknyc.org/maps/ go on, take your pick.
Or just take them to the nearest field in Central Park and let them run around shrieking for a while. I don't get why people act like raising a kid in a city means they spend their entire life indoors.
Chapter 6
Laine, if you remember, is my best friend here in New York. Claudia was my best friend in Connecticut. Each girl knew about the other, but they hadn’t met. That night would be the first time. I was certainly they would get along, since I like them both so much, although when I thought about it, I realized that they didn’t have much in common. Laine is super-smart, and Claudia may be smart, but she doesn’t do well in school. Claudia likes arts and crafts, Laine likes foreign movies; Claudia reads Nancy Drew mysteries, Laine reads French poetry; Claudia likes junk food, Laine likes gourmet food. (She has even eaten pigeon.) Still, since opposites attract, I just knew Laine and Claudia would hit it off. Besides, they did have one thing in common - me!“
Honest question - do you think Stacey really is this naive or she's secretly kind of hoping they'll have a jealous catfight over her affections? Because...seriously, how does she not see a disaster like this coming?
Also, nice backpedaling - you know she started to think "And Claudia has the IQ of a pancake." And yeah, I know when I'm looking for friends, I seek out people I have literally nothing in common with.
Mary Anne tells everyone they have to wear what Stacey says, because they have to dress "New York" to fit in. And because she and Kristy are best friends and she is so goddamn sensitive, she adds
“You especially, Kristy. You wear what Stacey says.”
Luckily, Kristy being Kristy, is unimpressed.
“I hope Stacey says jeans, a sweater, a turtleneck, and sneakers, because that’s all I brought. And who made you Fashion Boss of the World, anyway?
I never thought I'd say this, but THANK YOU, KRISTY. Stacey, for her part, is like "It doesn't fucking matter, just wear whatever." She agrees to put together an outfit for Mary Anne and makes another snide comment about Claudia having anything MA could need to borrow. WHY is she so bothered by Claudia's crazy packing habits? It's not like she hasn't seen this before.
Mary Anne looked at all of us (even me) critically.
“Kristy, borrow an outfit from Claudia, okay?” she said.
Kristy was wearing a white turtleneck with little red and blue hearts all over it, a red sweater, jeans, and sneakers.
“Claudia and I are not exactly the same size,” said Kristy, who is not only quite short, but also completely flat-chested. “Now get off my case.”
Kristy is my favorite right now. OH MY GOD MARY ANNE. IT IS NOT YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM WHAT ANYONE ELSE WEARS.
Mary Anne actually asks Stacey for permission for Kristy to wear that outfit. Stacey is basically speaking through gritted teeth at this point, totally done with her crap.
I also think it's weird that Kristy would own a heart-patterened turtleneck (I still don't get why she wears turtlenecks instead of t-shirts), but maybe it was one of those gifts from a relative who doesn't know you well situations, and Kristy being Kristy was like "Eh, it gets the job done, why not wear it?"
The other girls are wearing what sound like casual dresses - Dawn's wearing a sweater dress, not Laura Ashley for once.
And what of Mary Anne?
And what was Mary Anne, the fashion plate, wearing? Well, here’s a clue. She looked like she’d walked right out of the pages of Little House on the Prairie. I had chosen a bright, big-patterned sweater and a pair of black pants for her. She’d looked at them, shaken her head, replaced them in her suitcase [sic], and put on this other outfit - a ruffly white blouse, a long paisley skirt, and these little brown boots. It was very mature and attractive but, well, Mary Anne was the only one of my friends who, when dressed up, actually looked like she came from Connecticut. We could tell, though, that the clothes were new and that she really wanted to wear them, so no one said anything to her, despite the grief she’d given us earlier.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? After all that she decided she knows better than Stacey the born and bred New Yorker? Don't get me wrong, her outfit sounds adorable, despite being something they MOCKED ASHLEY WYETH FOR WEARING 6 BOOKS AGO, and there's never a reason for a Cosby sweater, but...man, Stacey is a bigger person than I am. I'd be yelling by now.
Mary Anne asks what you do at a New York party. Hookers and blow, Mary Anne. Hookers and blow.
Laine arrives, dressed to the height of sophistication:
Laine was beyond chic. She had chosen a short black dress, black stockings, and simple black flats. On one wrist was a single silver bangle bracelet. On her dress was one of those silver squiggle pins. Her fluffy brown hair was newly permed and perfectly cut. She looked wonderful - at least nineteen. My friends were speechless
Is...is this really awe-inspiring? It sounds pretty basic. I mean, it does sound adult, but less in a "sophisticated" way and more in a tame, reserved, appropriate-for-an-office-party way.
Then people start being real and stop being polite:
"So you’re the members of the Baby-sitters Club,” said Laine, smiling. “Stacey’s told me a lot about you.”
“She’s told us about you, too,” replied Claudia, and added, “You’re the only she had the big fight with after she found out she was diabetic, right?”
WHAT IN THE FUCK, CLAUDIA?! I guess she treats everyone she thinks might be held in higher regard than her like she does Janine, constantly on the offensive and throwing insults and complaints in their faces. Her insecurity is really aggravating. Believe me, I am more than understanding of her situation - I am the most insecure person who's ever lived when it comes to fear of being abandoned or replaced - but this is NOT THE FUCKING WAY TO HANDLE YOUR SHIT. Like...she couldn't even TRY to get along with Laine? I tried my ass off to get along with this bitch who tried to break up me and my girlfriend (I eventually unfriended her on Facebook because after two years of really trying I just really can't stand her. Even without that history, she's just someone I would never like.); I GET WHAT A SHITTY SITUATION IT CAN BE. But I also was insecure about my girlfriend's most recent ex - slash - now best friend. But I sucked that up, played nice - and she's one of my closest friends now. My point is, Claudia, yeah, sometimes you end up in a situation like the one you just created, because you can't get along with everyone. BUT IT HELPS TO FUCKING TRY BEFORE YOU START GETTING ALL AGGRESSIVE AND RUDE.
Laine, being the take no shit type, immediately responds with "And you’re the one she had the fight with when your little club almost broke up." Well-played, Cummings, well-played.
Stacey wonders why the hell she thought this was a good idea.
Chapter 7
Dawn ends her post card to her mother with "P.S. They have to have doormen here to keep murderers away." I'm...I'm not sure that's what doormen are for, but I guess if I were a murderer, I would avoid doorman buildings, so...I guess she's not wrong.
Stacey's had it up to HERE with her friends, and TBH, while I get being done with the hillbillies, I don't think Laine did anything wrong. I know "She started it!" is a childish excuse, but what's she supposed to do, pleasantly take it while Claudia hurls insults at her?
Mary Anne was being a pest. She kept pretending to be an expert on New York, trying to impress everyone and be all adult and sophisticated.
"Pretending" is an interesting way to put it. I mean, she sure has those stats memorized. But I don't know how knowing exactly how many acres are in Central Park is sophisticated or adult.
And Claudia and Laine wouldn’t stop sniping at each other. Maybe I’d been naive to think that they’d get along. Why should they? Each knew the other was my best friend, so they were jealous. I should at least have suspected that that might happen.
YES YOU SHOULD HAVE. YOU'RE A BUNCH OF THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRLS.
Let me back up, though, to Laine’s arrival. I could hardly believe what Claudia had said to her. If she was feeling jealous of Laine, why hadn’t she let me know beforehand? Oh, well. She hadn’t. Instead, she had sniped at Laine and Laine had sniped back. (She’s not one to ignore a snipe attack.)
I get not wanting to say anything to Stacey, but the thing is, if you're not going to talk about it, then fucking pretend you don't have a problem instead of taking it out on someone who DID NOTHING TO YOU.
It would be a funny plot twist if they turned on Stacey for talking about shit that paints them in a negative light to the other and bonded over that, though.
Mary Anne starts harassing Laine about living in The Dakota and how Rosemary's Baby was filmed there. Laine is like "I'm not allowed to see it or read it, so..." and Mary Anne freaks out about how they have that in common. God, that's embarrassing. Laine's shooting Stacey "GET ME OUTTA HERE" looks but Stacey's helpless against Mary Anne, who "was as excited as a puppy at Chuck Wagon time." That's certainly one urbane and sophisticated simile.
Mary Anne asks if celebrities live there. Laine says Yoko Ono does, and that John Lennon lived there. She doesn't mention John Lennon's murder, which would be my opener, but I guess that's a little grim for a BSC book. She names a few more people and out of context, Mary Anne seems a little too excited right now:
I thought Mary Anne would pass out from the sheerjoy of it all. “Oh! Oh!” she shrieked.
BRB bleaching my brain to get rid of the image I just got in my head.
Claudia gets snotty about what she seems to perceive as namedropping, despite the fact that Laine was answering a direct question, not bragging about it.
The intercom buzzes.
“Great!” I exclaimed. “The first guest!”
“I thought I was the first guest,” said Laine at the same time that Claudia said, “I thought we were your first guests. Remember us? The Baby-sitters Club?”
Stacey manages to only roll her eyes and mutter under her breath as she goes to let "Jim Fulton" upstairs. There's a cute exchange where she tells the doorman that he doesn't have to ring her to confirm every party guest - she gave him a list so he can just send them up. He agrees and tells her to have a nice day, which Stacey tells us he says at the end of every interaction no matter what time of day or night it is. I'm picturing Isaac's voice (can you picture a voice?) as being the doorman from Laverne and Shirley. Though that show might be a little too modern for this crowd.
A girl named Read Marcus shows up next, and Read is also Dawn's middle name, so that very strangely spelled and generally masculine name belonging to a girl must have some kind of history with AMM. It's too weird to just randomly show up twice.
Also, I just assumed Read was Dawn's mother's maiden name (I had a friend when I was younger whose middle name was Reid, which was her mother's maiden name), but that turned out to be Porter. Seeing it used as a first name I guess to AMM it's just another name. But it's so odd.
Wallflower Syndrome strikes and the BSC is too afraid to associate with anyone from New York. Stacey's happy to see Mary Anne chatting with Jim and Read until she gets close enough to hear Mary Anne spouting facts about the noteworthy buildings in the city. Stacey drags her away as she talks about the Edna St. Vincent Millay house, which is apparently only nine feet six inches wide (...I actually didn't know that, and next time I'm on that street I'm going to pay more attention to it and see if it looks that small on the outside. I guess the BSC can be educational after all.) Stacey's friends mutter about how weird she is, and I guess I should feel bad for Mary Anne, but she's been so fucking unbearable this whole book that I'm pretty happy that the people she's trying to impress don't like her.
Stacey gets to work trying to get her friends to mingle. She drags Kristy over to a guy named Coby - who, hilariously, is arguing with "Carl Bahadurian," which is such a random last name it must be a shout-out, and I know that "Carl" is the actual name of the kid who was the inspiration for Jackie Rodowsky, so I wonder if that was on purpose, over whether or not your eyes will get stuck if you cross them and have someone hit you on the back (heck, I can see Jackie doing what Carl is doing, which is preparing to demonstrate that someone can hit him and his eyes won't stay like that) - and is all "You both like sportball. Discuss."
Stacey's all, awww, Kristy's interested in a boy, she's growing up! Like, Stacey...she only became interested when you said he was the star forward of your school's basketball team and held two records. I don't think she's interested in him because she wants to bone him. I think she might actually just think he's someone cool she'd like to talk to for the night. Which, really, is way more fucking mature than assuming that every time a boy makes eye contact with you, he's in LUV.
Still not going so well for Mary Anne, though:
I saw Mary Anne walk right up to a group of kids she hadn’t even been introduced to and ask them how often they’d ridden the Staten Island Ferry. The kids gave each other “weirdo” looks. I didn’t blame them.
OH MY GOD, she's like an autistic child. I love New York, I do. I love it as much as AMM does. But it's really not that interesting to talk about, unless you're discussing stuff like "Guess which celebrity I saw buying tampons?" and "I saw a guy take a dump on the subway platform today. In the middle of rush hour." (Guess which one of these is taken from a friend's personal experience?) UNLESS you happen to have a particular interest in historical buildings and landmarks, or in engineering (we have some bomb-ass bridges). And I feel like most teenagers aren't so much into those things.
It's not getting any better in the California Casual Zone:
I saw Dawn glance nervously out the windows and then ask Read Marcus where the fire escape was.
“There isn’t one,” Read replied. “The building’s too tall for an outside escape. There are fire stairs at each end of the floor.”
“Oh,” said Dawn. “Thank goodness.”
Doesn't Stacey's dad have a fire escape in SS#6? Anyway, Dawn, there are these things called LOCKS you put on your windows. They work pretty well. And it's hard to climb UP a fire escape from the ground. Really, the only bad thing about having one was that one neighbor I had who liked to meditate out there. The incense stank like goat farts and it was summer, so I wasn't about to close the window. Fucking hipsters, man.
Stacey checks in on another Mary Anne conversation, and SHE IS TELLING EVERYONE WHO WILL LISTEN ABOUT DAWN'S NYC PHOBIA. She's telling them about every one of Dawn's fears and freakouts and all of the kids are laughing hysterically and staring at Dawn.
Dawn says nothing, but Stacey is PISSED. As she should be. As everyone should be. Mary Anne is supposed to be the "nice, sensitive" one. MY ASS. She's deliberately humiliating someone so that people will like her. We've never fucking seen COKIE MASON do that, Mary Anne. You asshole.
Kristy's having a good time, at least, dancing with that Coby guy, and things are starting to get flirty when Claudia cuts in and asks if she can have the slow dance with him. Kristy sulks off for the rest of the party (though she and Coby exchange addresses and phone numbers at the end of the night. God, the days before the Internet...if you didn't live near someone, that friendship was unsustainable as fuck.)
Everyone's in a shitty mood. Sadly this chapter doesn't end with some bitches getting their asses beat.
Chapter 7
Everyone's sitting in pissy silence and Stacey forces a chirpy voice as she starts to clean up. God, I can just picture her in an abusive relationship ten years from now, married to some guy she was in LUV with and got her knocked up at 16, fluttering around the kitchen, picking up the pieces of the dishes he's smashed, chattering chipperly at the kids about how don't worry, Daddy's just a little mad because he didn't get the promotion to assistant manager at McDonald's, just be quiet and he won't get madder.
Laine, pretty reasonably I think, asks if she's still invited to stay the night. Stacey's like "Of course I want you here!" but of course Claudia the asshole butts in to stay that they shouldn't force Laine to stay and she should only stay if she wants to. Oh my god, I can't deal with her crap. She's gone full Mary Anne in terms of passive aggression here, which Laine rises to meet by saying she's only staying if she's wanted.
In a gesture that makes me forgive Mary Anne a little, she, Kristy and Dawn all say they want Laine to stay. This whole situation is so goddamn awkward I wouldn't really have blamed them if they'd tried to stay out of it entirely.
Laine finally flat-out asks Claudia what the fuck she did to make Claudia act like this. Claudia, because it turns out she can get worse after all, pulls the "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you" bullshit. Oh my god. I pity anyone who dates Claudia. Can you fucking imagine? And maybe this crap is why she doesn't get along with her family - she's constantly pissed off and having fits that nobody can pinpoint the source of, so they're finally just like "Whatever, we tried" and she gets mad that they're not continuing to beg her to talk to them about whatever she won't tell them about.
Laine, rightly, calls her a jerk. Claudia calls her a stuck-up snob, and Kristy, who is winning points left and right with me in this book, tells Claudia that actually, Laine's right, she's being a total dick. Claudia asks why she's an "alleged jerk" - Stacey tells us she picked that word up from Nancy Drew, which seems like she's assuring us not to worry, that Claudia is still a moron, this broken clock just happens to be correct right now - and Kristy fires back that she's an actual jerk. Nice.
Claudia tries to defend herself for horning in on Coby, and while I would normally say it's not like he and Kristy were dating, it was pretty obvious that he and Kristy were enjoying each others' company and kinda sparking.
Stacey asks everyone to at least keep it down before her parents come in and try to help. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be funny, but it is. "For the love of god, I know we all hate each other, but we can all agree that NO ONE WANTS MY PARENTS INVOLVED GOD THEY'RE SO EMBARRASSING."
Stacey describes Dawn as "quiet" and "even-tempered," which, again, we all know why this is laughable. But then Dawn lays into Mary Anne for being a jerk, and MARY ANNE IS ACTUALLY CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT SHE DID. Mary Anne, of course, starts to cry, and Stacey thinks to herself "She's a champion crier." I love that, because it sounds like Stacey's implying that she's turning it on and off to manipulate people, which I suspect is true a lot of the time.
Laine declines to spend the night, and departs with an "It's been real." Claudia fires back "Real torture" AND OH MY GOD CLAUDIA YOU WON YOU CHASED HER OFF JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Stacey's done for the night. She orders Dawn and Kristy to share one bed (given how much they generally hate each other, man, when that's the best option you have, that says a lot), Claudia and Mary Anne to share the other, and storms off to sleep in her own room alone. Gotta say I don't blame her for this one.
She mentions having a "den," which...for all the shit-talking she's done in this book about the "rich" families in the building (I skipped over that, but she's a total snot about anyone whose apartment doesn't look like a tornado hit it or has nice things in it), her family must be loaded beyond belief because I have literally never fucking HEARD OF an apartment having a den. You get a living area, you get a kitchen area (these may be in the same area) if you're loaded, you may have a dining room, the rest is bedrooms if you have any. "Guest room" would have made a lot more sense.
Stacey lies to Dawn about having an alarm system so she'll shut the fuck up and go to sleep. I do not blame her one bit.