SS #5: California Girls pt 3
Oh good, time for a Mallory chapter. You know, I generally like Mallory. She's kinda lame but at least she's rarely infuriating. Unfortunately, this is one of those rare times.
For starters, this is the second paragraph of her chapter.
Oh, boy!” I exclaimed. “I wonder where we’ll go today. That beauty museum was dibbly fresh.” (In case you’re wondering, dibble, fresh, distant, and stale, are words my friends and I use a lot. They all mean really cool except for stale, which means awful or unfair.)
Mallory's obsession with the BSC-slang and the BSC in general is just...so lame. I mean, they're not even NICE to her. I guess it's believable behavior for an eleven-year-old, but since she's supposed to be super-mature I feel justified in rolling my eyes at her.
Mal is at least excited when Carol shows up, letting us know that Dawn said she couldn't stand being in the same car as her. So stay home, Dawn. Everyone would probably be happier if you did.
And as much as Dawn hates Carol, she's the first one to speak up and say they want to go on a tour of stars' homes. Five bucks to the person who correctly guesses which celebrity they namedrop of an example of whose house you can see.
Just kidding. We all know it's Lucille Ball. I'm not paying you for figuring that one out.
Mallory whines about wanting to go to some giant mall, pointing out that Mary Anne would have a fit if they did a star tour without them. That's a fair enough point, but going to a mall still seems like a crappy vacation activity to me, especially since a bunch of them were just AT a mall the other day.
Jeff invites himself along because he and his friend Rob aren't speaking. They had a fight over who was the biggest Deadhead. Jeff is kind of adorable.
The mall is huge, with a skating rink and a bunch of levels. They go to lunch at a health food restaurant and Dawn still pouts through the whole meal because she has to be near Carol. Goddammit I hate Dawn.
After food, Mallory ditches everyone to hit up the makeup counter.
The woman doing her makeover examines her skin with a flashlight, which Mallory thinks is either awesome or weird. It's not clear which. The woman mutters "Not bad, not bad at all" which I'm assuming refers to the commission she's expecting from this gig.
Mallory spends all of her money and asks the woman about dying her hair. The woman suggests wash-out dye, and again, I'm telling you, I'm fairly certain that hair doesn't work that way!
After she dyes her hair, the girls are rude to her, and Jessi snots that it's not her. God, why do these girls get all bent out of shape whenever someone changes their appearance? I mean, I'm sure Mallory does look horrible - most fake blondes do - but why is it so fucking upsetting to them?!
This chapter is stupid. Moving on to a Jessi chapter...
Jessi is freaking out about going to the TV studio to watch Derek's sitcom being taped. She can't decide what to wear, so she packs a bag with a "casual" outfit while wearing a cool one made of stuff she borrowed from Claudia. I'm really disappointed by the lack of details given. Also, Jessi, chill the fuck out; no one cares what you wear.
She practices acting all casual about the limo she assumes will be picking her up - she considers saying "How nice, this is just like the limo we have at home." Good LORD, I know they're eleven, but the junior officers are so lame I'm having serious secondhand embarrassment here.
A car honks outside, and when Mal wonders why the chauffeur didn't come to the door, Jessi just looks at her, because she can't bring herself to speak to her "blonde friend." DOES SOMEONE WANT TO POINT OUT TO JESSI THAT BEING DISGUSTED WITH AND SNUBBING A PERSON FOR THEIR APPEARANCE IS A SIMILAR THOUGHT PROCESS TO RACISM BECAUSE I DO BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE SHE'S FICTIONAL. (And no I'm not saying that this is "reverse racism" or that such a thing exists. I'm just saying it's a similar way of thinking.)
The Masterses pick Jessi up in their station wagon, because Jessi's a moron, but it's cute how excited the kids are to see her. It's equally cute how Derek's enthused about his sitcom and Todd is equally enthused about playing an ant in his preschool performance of "The Buggie Boogie." That's adorable. It's too bad Todd shares a name with one of Sweet Valley's biggest d-bags and a pious little pipsqueak from Springfield, because it makes me want to not like him, and he's actually one of the few kids in this series who sounds like a cute, likeable kid.
Jessi is also disappointed that the studio is less grand than she's expecting. Derek wanders off to study a revised script, and Jessi chats with his dad for a while. Jessi is jealous that Derek only has school for a couple of hours a day. Well, Jessi, he's WORKING the rest of the day. It's not like he just hangs out playing video games and stuff the rest of the time. Even if it's fun for him, it's still work, and he can't just be like "meh, I don't feel like it" and not show up. He also can't randomly decide he's not speaking to the kid who plays Lamont and have that fly.
Jessi watches them do special effects like clomping shoes around to dub over a scene of someone walking. Don't they have sound libraries and stuff for things like that? I know sound folks have to improvise but I feel like someone somewhere has some pre-recording clomping shoes. Also, they don't do that in the same space they film the show in, do they? The way it's written it sounds like Jessi never leaves the same room.
Jessi is selected as an extra for a crowd scene - because, you know, that's how extras are chosen; they don't go through agencies or anything; they just pull random children off the street - and Derek is really nice, telling her how well she did and encouraging her to look for an agent. He's such a sweetheart of a kid, seriously, superbrat crap aside. Jessi figures that since the director said he liked her looks, it might be worth a shot.
Now a Stacey chapter. Stacey and her mom live on Elm Street? I feel like they lived on a different street. Maybe I'm getting people mixed up; god knows there's no shortage of characters.
She ends the postcard with a PS about following her diet and taking her insulin. I like to read that in the most sarcastic tone possible. Stacey can be awful but her frustration with her well-meaning but over-protective mom entertains me.
Stacey tells us that Dawn thinks Carol is too old to say "things like 'you guys.'" Seriously?! That's not a "young" thing to say. That's just...a thing people say. Aside from local expressions like "yiz" and "y'all," I can't think of another way to even phrase that concept off the top of my head. I mean, I guess "everyone" or "everybody," but I fail to see how that's "older" somehow.
Mary Anne wants to do touristy shit, but everyone else wants to hit the beach again. Except Stacey doesn't want her high school friends to see Carol drop her off in case they think Carol's her babysitter (couldn't she just be like "Hey guys I got a ride with some friends?") and going with Carol would mean that Dawn has to spend time with her. Don't enable her bullshit, Stacey.
Jeff "saves" everyone by saying he doesn't want to hang out with girls all day. Carol's suggestion is to "ring Rob," but they're still on the outs, and Jeff makes the valid point that this is also his vacation and he wants to choose what he does for the day. I mean, Carol doesn't owe any of them anything, but it's kind of sucky that Dawn is getting all this special treatment but not Jeff.
Anyway, Jeff wants to hit the NBC Studio Tour in Burbank. Carol's a little put out by the length of the trip (I have no idea how far apart those places are) but she agrees because she's desperate to get at least one kid to like her.
A different convertible comes by to pick up Stacey, and Dawn asks who the hell the guy who's driving is. Stacey's humiliated, but...I hate to say it, I'm on Dawn's side here. Dawn knew the other driver at least enough to say hi to him, so she presumably would know that he's a sensible guy not given to driving recklessly. Meanwhile, this guy is a total stranger to everyone.
And it turns out Stacey's right - this guy "Beau" (groan) is a crazy driver who nearly causes several accidents and endangers several motorists besides himself on the way to the beach. Everyone else is laughing and finding it fun, because they're a bunch of assholes.
Feeling "powerful" after the crazy ride over, Stacey surfs recklessly and wipes out. Dawn yells at her again for courting disaster, and again, while I hate to agree with her, it's hard to argue with her. Stacey blows her off and Dawn lets it go. Stacey goes to "retrieve her surfboard," which confuses me since I thought you had those little ankle leash thingies to keep from losing them.
I'm pretty board with Stacey's surfing subplot, but now it's time for a Kristy chapter. On the one hand she's a total bitch in this book, on the other I think I remember her getting totally owned by the bratty DeWitt boys, so that could be fun.
Bart sends her a postcard telling her to say hi to any cute girls for him (just kidding!) Besides being on the douchey side of things to say, I find it interesting that Bart thinks that Kristy has a radar for cute girls up on vacation. He signs the postcard "love ya," which seems a bit out of character for them. Aren't they only sort-of-dating? Until Kristy + Bart = ? anyway.
Jeff and Rob have made up, having decided that the biggest Deadhead competition is moot since Rob's brother has them both beat, and anyway, Jeff knows more about hockey than Rob, so everything's cool. Actual kid logic; I love it.
The W<3KC manages to hold in their laughter until Jeff leaves. Kristy snots about how their sleepover food is probably going to be "eggplant and celery pizza," but instead they raid the fridge and Kristy ends up with peanut butter and honey. No mention of whether it's all natural sugar free peanut butter and raw honey with the comb scooped out. Also, is peanut butter and honey a normal combo or just an AMM thing? I'd never heard of it before the BSC and I've never heard of it outside of it.
They settle in to eat and Dawn immediately starts bitching about Carol for being a busybody and acting like she's "one of [them]." Awesomely, everyone's pretty sick of her crap at this point. Jessi points out that Carol is doing a lot for them, acting as chauffeur and tour guide, just so they all have a good vacation. Dawn's response is to snot that Carol "let" Mallory dye her hair blonde. Jesus. First of all, as Mallory herself points out, Carol had no way of knowing that Mal was going to do that. Second of all, while she IS looking after them, she's not Mallory's mom. What does she care and why is it her business? Third of all, if she HAD stepped in, Dawn would've been pissed that Carol was acting like their babysitter/mom. Fourth of all, will someone explain to me why they're all so insane over the fact that Mal went blonde?! You people all fetishize blonde hair and then act surprised when the girl who looks up to you listens to that??
They give up and change the subject to Stacey's surfing. Maggie's impressed that Stacey is picking it up so quickly. Jessi brags about being an extra on Derek's show and Sunny acts super-impressed (and Maggie doesn't namedrop anyone famous to one-up her.) You know, the W<3KC girls are a LOT nicer than the BSC.
Jessi says that Derek said she should try to get into a "picture" while she's in town. GODDAMMIT, AMM, IT'S NO LONGER THE 40s.
They discuss Terry, and Dawn bitches about Carol's "advice" to change personalities for him. DAWN FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME SHE NEVER SAID THAT. Carol pops in to check on them, and Mary Anne is mortified that Carol might have heard Dawn bitching about her. Dawn throws down her fork and sulks that she doesn't care and that Carol needs to act her age.
Maggie, desperate to keep the subject away from Carol, reminds Kristy about her upcoming sitting job. Kristy is offended that Maggie thinks she needs reminding. God, Kristy, she was trying to be helpful.
Mallory gets some serious awesome points for this exchange:
“Uhoh,” said Dawn. “I just thought of something.”
“Not Carol again,” said Mallory, who was examining her hair in a hand mirror.
THANK YOU MALLORY.
Dawn still has the nerve to get snippy and says that her father has planned a trip to Universal Studios for the day of Kristy's babysitting job. Kristy says no big, she'll bring the boys with her, like MAYBE JACK DOESN'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR TWO MORE CHILDREN, KRISTY. MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK HIM FIRST.
Sunny tells Kristy that this is a terrible idea, and Kristy bitches that she's the president of the "first babysitting club" and can handle children. Sunny's like "But you don't know these kids!" Kristy says it doesn't matter. Kristy, you think Jenny Prezzioso is too much to deal with. You can't handle shit.
Mary Anne says it's a shame Stephie can't come - not because she's being considerate of Jack's generous offer, but because Stephie has asthma. Maggie's like "That doesn't matter!" and Kristy and Mary Anne are horrified and Maggie's like, "She's not a fucking invalid, you psychos." You would think that being BFFs with Stacey would make them realize that a chronic health condition doesn't mean you're going to drop dead any second.
Kristy snottily wonders who made Maggie queen of the babysitters, because she has the nerve to want a sweet girl with a health condition that doesn't affect her activity levels at all to be included on a fun day out. What a bitch. Mary Anne, however, just says she'll call Stephie's dad in the morning. So...you're just not going to ask Dawn's dad, either?
I need a break from this bullshit. Claudia chapter up next, so...that could go either way, irritation-wise.
For starters, this is the second paragraph of her chapter.
Oh, boy!” I exclaimed. “I wonder where we’ll go today. That beauty museum was dibbly fresh.” (In case you’re wondering, dibble, fresh, distant, and stale, are words my friends and I use a lot. They all mean really cool except for stale, which means awful or unfair.)
Mallory's obsession with the BSC-slang and the BSC in general is just...so lame. I mean, they're not even NICE to her. I guess it's believable behavior for an eleven-year-old, but since she's supposed to be super-mature I feel justified in rolling my eyes at her.
Mal is at least excited when Carol shows up, letting us know that Dawn said she couldn't stand being in the same car as her. So stay home, Dawn. Everyone would probably be happier if you did.
And as much as Dawn hates Carol, she's the first one to speak up and say they want to go on a tour of stars' homes. Five bucks to the person who correctly guesses which celebrity they namedrop of an example of whose house you can see.
Just kidding. We all know it's Lucille Ball. I'm not paying you for figuring that one out.
Mallory whines about wanting to go to some giant mall, pointing out that Mary Anne would have a fit if they did a star tour without them. That's a fair enough point, but going to a mall still seems like a crappy vacation activity to me, especially since a bunch of them were just AT a mall the other day.
Jeff invites himself along because he and his friend Rob aren't speaking. They had a fight over who was the biggest Deadhead. Jeff is kind of adorable.
The mall is huge, with a skating rink and a bunch of levels. They go to lunch at a health food restaurant and Dawn still pouts through the whole meal because she has to be near Carol. Goddammit I hate Dawn.
After food, Mallory ditches everyone to hit up the makeup counter.
The woman doing her makeover examines her skin with a flashlight, which Mallory thinks is either awesome or weird. It's not clear which. The woman mutters "Not bad, not bad at all" which I'm assuming refers to the commission she's expecting from this gig.
Mallory spends all of her money and asks the woman about dying her hair. The woman suggests wash-out dye, and again, I'm telling you, I'm fairly certain that hair doesn't work that way!
After she dyes her hair, the girls are rude to her, and Jessi snots that it's not her. God, why do these girls get all bent out of shape whenever someone changes their appearance? I mean, I'm sure Mallory does look horrible - most fake blondes do - but why is it so fucking upsetting to them?!
This chapter is stupid. Moving on to a Jessi chapter...
Jessi is freaking out about going to the TV studio to watch Derek's sitcom being taped. She can't decide what to wear, so she packs a bag with a "casual" outfit while wearing a cool one made of stuff she borrowed from Claudia. I'm really disappointed by the lack of details given. Also, Jessi, chill the fuck out; no one cares what you wear.
She practices acting all casual about the limo she assumes will be picking her up - she considers saying "How nice, this is just like the limo we have at home." Good LORD, I know they're eleven, but the junior officers are so lame I'm having serious secondhand embarrassment here.
A car honks outside, and when Mal wonders why the chauffeur didn't come to the door, Jessi just looks at her, because she can't bring herself to speak to her "blonde friend." DOES SOMEONE WANT TO POINT OUT TO JESSI THAT BEING DISGUSTED WITH AND SNUBBING A PERSON FOR THEIR APPEARANCE IS A SIMILAR THOUGHT PROCESS TO RACISM BECAUSE I DO BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE SHE'S FICTIONAL. (And no I'm not saying that this is "reverse racism" or that such a thing exists. I'm just saying it's a similar way of thinking.)
The Masterses pick Jessi up in their station wagon, because Jessi's a moron, but it's cute how excited the kids are to see her. It's equally cute how Derek's enthused about his sitcom and Todd is equally enthused about playing an ant in his preschool performance of "The Buggie Boogie." That's adorable. It's too bad Todd shares a name with one of Sweet Valley's biggest d-bags and a pious little pipsqueak from Springfield, because it makes me want to not like him, and he's actually one of the few kids in this series who sounds like a cute, likeable kid.
Jessi is also disappointed that the studio is less grand than she's expecting. Derek wanders off to study a revised script, and Jessi chats with his dad for a while. Jessi is jealous that Derek only has school for a couple of hours a day. Well, Jessi, he's WORKING the rest of the day. It's not like he just hangs out playing video games and stuff the rest of the time. Even if it's fun for him, it's still work, and he can't just be like "meh, I don't feel like it" and not show up. He also can't randomly decide he's not speaking to the kid who plays Lamont and have that fly.
Jessi watches them do special effects like clomping shoes around to dub over a scene of someone walking. Don't they have sound libraries and stuff for things like that? I know sound folks have to improvise but I feel like someone somewhere has some pre-recording clomping shoes. Also, they don't do that in the same space they film the show in, do they? The way it's written it sounds like Jessi never leaves the same room.
Jessi is selected as an extra for a crowd scene - because, you know, that's how extras are chosen; they don't go through agencies or anything; they just pull random children off the street - and Derek is really nice, telling her how well she did and encouraging her to look for an agent. He's such a sweetheart of a kid, seriously, superbrat crap aside. Jessi figures that since the director said he liked her looks, it might be worth a shot.
Now a Stacey chapter. Stacey and her mom live on Elm Street? I feel like they lived on a different street. Maybe I'm getting people mixed up; god knows there's no shortage of characters.
She ends the postcard with a PS about following her diet and taking her insulin. I like to read that in the most sarcastic tone possible. Stacey can be awful but her frustration with her well-meaning but over-protective mom entertains me.
Stacey tells us that Dawn thinks Carol is too old to say "things like 'you guys.'" Seriously?! That's not a "young" thing to say. That's just...a thing people say. Aside from local expressions like "yiz" and "y'all," I can't think of another way to even phrase that concept off the top of my head. I mean, I guess "everyone" or "everybody," but I fail to see how that's "older" somehow.
Mary Anne wants to do touristy shit, but everyone else wants to hit the beach again. Except Stacey doesn't want her high school friends to see Carol drop her off in case they think Carol's her babysitter (couldn't she just be like "Hey guys I got a ride with some friends?") and going with Carol would mean that Dawn has to spend time with her. Don't enable her bullshit, Stacey.
Jeff "saves" everyone by saying he doesn't want to hang out with girls all day. Carol's suggestion is to "ring Rob," but they're still on the outs, and Jeff makes the valid point that this is also his vacation and he wants to choose what he does for the day. I mean, Carol doesn't owe any of them anything, but it's kind of sucky that Dawn is getting all this special treatment but not Jeff.
Anyway, Jeff wants to hit the NBC Studio Tour in Burbank. Carol's a little put out by the length of the trip (I have no idea how far apart those places are) but she agrees because she's desperate to get at least one kid to like her.
A different convertible comes by to pick up Stacey, and Dawn asks who the hell the guy who's driving is. Stacey's humiliated, but...I hate to say it, I'm on Dawn's side here. Dawn knew the other driver at least enough to say hi to him, so she presumably would know that he's a sensible guy not given to driving recklessly. Meanwhile, this guy is a total stranger to everyone.
And it turns out Stacey's right - this guy "Beau" (groan) is a crazy driver who nearly causes several accidents and endangers several motorists besides himself on the way to the beach. Everyone else is laughing and finding it fun, because they're a bunch of assholes.
Feeling "powerful" after the crazy ride over, Stacey surfs recklessly and wipes out. Dawn yells at her again for courting disaster, and again, while I hate to agree with her, it's hard to argue with her. Stacey blows her off and Dawn lets it go. Stacey goes to "retrieve her surfboard," which confuses me since I thought you had those little ankle leash thingies to keep from losing them.
I'm pretty board with Stacey's surfing subplot, but now it's time for a Kristy chapter. On the one hand she's a total bitch in this book, on the other I think I remember her getting totally owned by the bratty DeWitt boys, so that could be fun.
Bart sends her a postcard telling her to say hi to any cute girls for him (just kidding!) Besides being on the douchey side of things to say, I find it interesting that Bart thinks that Kristy has a radar for cute girls up on vacation. He signs the postcard "love ya," which seems a bit out of character for them. Aren't they only sort-of-dating? Until Kristy + Bart = ? anyway.
Jeff and Rob have made up, having decided that the biggest Deadhead competition is moot since Rob's brother has them both beat, and anyway, Jeff knows more about hockey than Rob, so everything's cool. Actual kid logic; I love it.
The W<3KC manages to hold in their laughter until Jeff leaves. Kristy snots about how their sleepover food is probably going to be "eggplant and celery pizza," but instead they raid the fridge and Kristy ends up with peanut butter and honey. No mention of whether it's all natural sugar free peanut butter and raw honey with the comb scooped out. Also, is peanut butter and honey a normal combo or just an AMM thing? I'd never heard of it before the BSC and I've never heard of it outside of it.
They settle in to eat and Dawn immediately starts bitching about Carol for being a busybody and acting like she's "one of [them]." Awesomely, everyone's pretty sick of her crap at this point. Jessi points out that Carol is doing a lot for them, acting as chauffeur and tour guide, just so they all have a good vacation. Dawn's response is to snot that Carol "let" Mallory dye her hair blonde. Jesus. First of all, as Mallory herself points out, Carol had no way of knowing that Mal was going to do that. Second of all, while she IS looking after them, she's not Mallory's mom. What does she care and why is it her business? Third of all, if she HAD stepped in, Dawn would've been pissed that Carol was acting like their babysitter/mom. Fourth of all, will someone explain to me why they're all so insane over the fact that Mal went blonde?! You people all fetishize blonde hair and then act surprised when the girl who looks up to you listens to that??
They give up and change the subject to Stacey's surfing. Maggie's impressed that Stacey is picking it up so quickly. Jessi brags about being an extra on Derek's show and Sunny acts super-impressed (and Maggie doesn't namedrop anyone famous to one-up her.) You know, the W<3KC girls are a LOT nicer than the BSC.
Jessi says that Derek said she should try to get into a "picture" while she's in town. GODDAMMIT, AMM, IT'S NO LONGER THE 40s.
They discuss Terry, and Dawn bitches about Carol's "advice" to change personalities for him. DAWN FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME SHE NEVER SAID THAT. Carol pops in to check on them, and Mary Anne is mortified that Carol might have heard Dawn bitching about her. Dawn throws down her fork and sulks that she doesn't care and that Carol needs to act her age.
Maggie, desperate to keep the subject away from Carol, reminds Kristy about her upcoming sitting job. Kristy is offended that Maggie thinks she needs reminding. God, Kristy, she was trying to be helpful.
Mallory gets some serious awesome points for this exchange:
“Uhoh,” said Dawn. “I just thought of something.”
“Not Carol again,” said Mallory, who was examining her hair in a hand mirror.
THANK YOU MALLORY.
Dawn still has the nerve to get snippy and says that her father has planned a trip to Universal Studios for the day of Kristy's babysitting job. Kristy says no big, she'll bring the boys with her, like MAYBE JACK DOESN'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR TWO MORE CHILDREN, KRISTY. MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK HIM FIRST.
Sunny tells Kristy that this is a terrible idea, and Kristy bitches that she's the president of the "first babysitting club" and can handle children. Sunny's like "But you don't know these kids!" Kristy says it doesn't matter. Kristy, you think Jenny Prezzioso is too much to deal with. You can't handle shit.
Mary Anne says it's a shame Stephie can't come - not because she's being considerate of Jack's generous offer, but because Stephie has asthma. Maggie's like "That doesn't matter!" and Kristy and Mary Anne are horrified and Maggie's like, "She's not a fucking invalid, you psychos." You would think that being BFFs with Stacey would make them realize that a chronic health condition doesn't mean you're going to drop dead any second.
Kristy snottily wonders who made Maggie queen of the babysitters, because she has the nerve to want a sweet girl with a health condition that doesn't affect her activity levels at all to be included on a fun day out. What a bitch. Mary Anne, however, just says she'll call Stephie's dad in the morning. So...you're just not going to ask Dawn's dad, either?
I need a break from this bullshit. Claudia chapter up next, so...that could go either way, irritation-wise.