#46 Mary Anne Misses Logan (Chapters 6-10)
Warning: This book is not safe for human consumption. It causes nausea, headaches, mood swings, and dangerous spikes in blood pressure.
Chapter 6:
We have Dawn and the Kormans. What a treat!
They do a monster hunt. But the kids are still afraid of the Toilet Monster. Dawn tells their parents, who just laugh it off. I can’t wait to see the therapy bills for some of these Stoneybrook kids when they get older.
Dawn gets back home and tells Mary Anne all about it. And then because Dawn is so observant, she notices that there’s something wrong with her stepsister, who she sees multiple times a day.
Chapter 7:
The groups have to meet in the cafeteria so that they can coordinate and plan what they’re going to do. However, all other meetings need to take place after school. Though Kristy nagged the school administration enough so that they passed a rule that no groups could work on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday between 5:30 and 6:00PM.
Mary Anne is a bucket of nerves at this point. She thinks about running away, but doesn’t actually follow through with it. I’m disappointed. I’m sure the most shocking thing Mary Anne would do on this adventure is eat dessert before dinner, but it would be better than the current shitty, terrible plot that I’m working with here.
She has a dumbass moment when she reaches the crowded cafeteria and asks how they are going to form their groups. YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE…. FIND THEM.
Mary Anne tracks down Logan and Miranda. And as she looks at Logan, she feels nervous, but she also has this feeling. No it’s not nausea or disgust. She’s happy to see him, because awwwww…she missed him.
FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!
Excuse me one sec...
That’s better.
The group awkwardly sits at a table in total silence. Because sure, let’s waste time.
And then it happens. Or more accurately SHE HAPPENS.
IT’S COKIE!!!!!!!!!
Apparently, no one is allowed to switch groups. Unless they’re Cokie. Then they can ask teachers to be assigned to whatever group they want. And Cokie wants to study Megan Rinehart! So Miranda jumps ship, because she’s still mad at Pete for snapping her bra and breaking it. This leaves Mary Anne with Cokie, Pete, and Logan.
SMS teachers are so stupid.
And also, even her teachers call her Cokie. Jeez, I’d be a bitch too if I had to answer to “Cokie”.
According to Mary Anne, Cokie just wants to get into Logan’s pants. And if Mary Anne weren’t an absolute fucktard in this book, she would be like, “Take him, bitch! Hope you like your trip to the ER for hypothermia and being forced to eat cheeseburgers!”
Then this happens:
I’m just gonna let Mary Anne tell this part of the story:
“He flashed the briefest of smiles back at me. And that was all it took. I knew then that I wanted Logan as a friend and as my boyfriend. How could I ever have said we needed time apart?”
WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK????
BRB…
WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT????
Fuck you, Mary Anne, you co-dependent, crybaby, doormat piece of Tigger shit! Logan is a selfish, manipulative asshole! You just set women’s rights back 100 years. I defended you last time because you actually seemed to have a brain in your head. Not even Claudia is this stupid!
I’m so pissed about this that I can’t even laugh when Pete says that Megan’s books are for girls and Logan admits to reading and liking them.
I’m noping right out of this chapter!
Chapter 8:
I’m better. For now. Let’s see what new and creative way Ann will torture me with words in this chapter.
Mary Anne is on her way to Cokie’s house to work on the group project. She regales us with tales of why she and Cokie are mortal enemies while she’s walking there. I’m glad we’re here for the BSC members to talk to, since they’d look pretty crazy otherwise.
Cokie answers the door, disappointed that it’s Mary Anne. Bitch, you did invite the whole group over, what did you expect?
Cokie gives the same nasty treatment to Pete when he comes. But when Logan arrives, she’s sweet and hospitable.
The team debates how to approach the project. They decide to all read four books and compare and contrast them.
Cokie says that she read four picture books once and it only took her a week. Then she actually proposes that they read aloud to each other. I feel like Cokie should maybe be reassigned to the small class with the teachers’ aides.
Pete admits that he’s always dreamed of reading aloud to Logan (it’s in the book, I swear).
Cokie actually asks if Megan Rinehart wrote any picture books. When Mary Anne snarks that Babar doesn’t count, Cokie gets excited, thinking that old Megan wrote Babar.
Now I think I know where Cokie got her nickname. Though I’d probably change it to Weedie or Methie.
Claudia looks like Janine compared to Cokie.
They pick which four books to read and the meeting ends. Pete bolts out of there, since he’s had enough of Cokie’s shit (as have I). Mary Anne hangs out by the door to wait for Logan.
But OH NO! Cokie asks Logan to go to a movie!
Mary Anne doesn’t stick around to hear his response, but I’m sure she’s going to cry about it.
You know, I’m gonna call it and say that the BSC is actually accurate in their assessment of Cokie. She’s a massive bi-otch and is apparently dumber than Waldo Faldo. Though really, they should let her into the club - her bitchiness and self-absorption would fit right in.
Chapter 9:
If the BSC Notebook had spell-check, it would have blown up trying to read Claudia’s entries.
Toylit Monstur Uh-gen.
The Toilet Monster still exists and Claudia and the Kormans look like idiots. The end.
Chapter 10:
OH NO! LOGAN IS GOING OUT WITH COKIE!
If Mary Anne had any doubt that she should stay far, far away from Logan, the fact that he is dating Cokie should totally seal the deal.
You can redeem yourself, Mary Anne. I believe in you! Come on....please? I'll buy you another cat.
The group is meeting at Pete’s house to discuss their findings. To our utter shock, we find that Cokie has not read any of the books. And when Logan arrives, he and Cokie are acting all lovey-dovey.
This is the douchebag you want to get back together with, Mary Anne. Look at him. He’s practically making out with your sworn enemy right in front of you.
Cokie continues to rub in all the fun things that she and Logan have been doing. Logan stays silent, because we all know how shy and non-confrontational he is. Dick.
Logan and Cokie have been out every night, so Logan hasn’t done all of his reading either. But he swears he’ll get it done. Again, dick.
Pete takes charge and proposes that they all do independent research on Megan Rinehart and try to draw conclusions about her writing from her life. They each get one of the books to run an analysis on.
The group agrees to this, but Logan and Cokie have to run to a game in Brick Township. Is that where Cokie's parents are from? Because one of them has to be an absolute nimrod. And the whole coke comes in bricks thing. But I digress. You know none of this work is getting done. Mary Anne realizes that she and Pete are going to be stuck doing all the work. And yet, this doesn’t seem to have swayed her opinion about Logan.
If only I had a brick to throw right now…
I think I hate this book more than Mary Anne’s Makeover.
Chapter 6:
We have Dawn and the Kormans. What a treat!
They do a monster hunt. But the kids are still afraid of the Toilet Monster. Dawn tells their parents, who just laugh it off. I can’t wait to see the therapy bills for some of these Stoneybrook kids when they get older.
Dawn gets back home and tells Mary Anne all about it. And then because Dawn is so observant, she notices that there’s something wrong with her stepsister, who she sees multiple times a day.
- Premise 1: Dawn does not know what Mary Anne’s problem is.
- Premise 2: Dawn asks, “What’s wrong with Megan Rinehart?”
- Conclusion: Based on Premises 1 and 2, Dawn is a moron.
Chapter 7:
The groups have to meet in the cafeteria so that they can coordinate and plan what they’re going to do. However, all other meetings need to take place after school. Though Kristy nagged the school administration enough so that they passed a rule that no groups could work on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday between 5:30 and 6:00PM.
Mary Anne is a bucket of nerves at this point. She thinks about running away, but doesn’t actually follow through with it. I’m disappointed. I’m sure the most shocking thing Mary Anne would do on this adventure is eat dessert before dinner, but it would be better than the current shitty, terrible plot that I’m working with here.
She has a dumbass moment when she reaches the crowded cafeteria and asks how they are going to form their groups. YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE…. FIND THEM.
Mary Anne tracks down Logan and Miranda. And as she looks at Logan, she feels nervous, but she also has this feeling. No it’s not nausea or disgust. She’s happy to see him, because awwwww…she missed him.
FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!
Excuse me one sec...
That’s better.
The group awkwardly sits at a table in total silence. Because sure, let’s waste time.
And then it happens. Or more accurately SHE HAPPENS.
IT’S COKIE!!!!!!!!!
Apparently, no one is allowed to switch groups. Unless they’re Cokie. Then they can ask teachers to be assigned to whatever group they want. And Cokie wants to study Megan Rinehart! So Miranda jumps ship, because she’s still mad at Pete for snapping her bra and breaking it. This leaves Mary Anne with Cokie, Pete, and Logan.
SMS teachers are so stupid.
And also, even her teachers call her Cokie. Jeez, I’d be a bitch too if I had to answer to “Cokie”.
According to Mary Anne, Cokie just wants to get into Logan’s pants. And if Mary Anne weren’t an absolute fucktard in this book, she would be like, “Take him, bitch! Hope you like your trip to the ER for hypothermia and being forced to eat cheeseburgers!”
Then this happens:
I’m just gonna let Mary Anne tell this part of the story:
“He flashed the briefest of smiles back at me. And that was all it took. I knew then that I wanted Logan as a friend and as my boyfriend. How could I ever have said we needed time apart?”
WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK????
BRB…
WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT????
Fuck you, Mary Anne, you co-dependent, crybaby, doormat piece of Tigger shit! Logan is a selfish, manipulative asshole! You just set women’s rights back 100 years. I defended you last time because you actually seemed to have a brain in your head. Not even Claudia is this stupid!
I’m so pissed about this that I can’t even laugh when Pete says that Megan’s books are for girls and Logan admits to reading and liking them.
I’m noping right out of this chapter!
Chapter 8:
I’m better. For now. Let’s see what new and creative way Ann will torture me with words in this chapter.
Mary Anne is on her way to Cokie’s house to work on the group project. She regales us with tales of why she and Cokie are mortal enemies while she’s walking there. I’m glad we’re here for the BSC members to talk to, since they’d look pretty crazy otherwise.
Cokie answers the door, disappointed that it’s Mary Anne. Bitch, you did invite the whole group over, what did you expect?
Cokie gives the same nasty treatment to Pete when he comes. But when Logan arrives, she’s sweet and hospitable.
The team debates how to approach the project. They decide to all read four books and compare and contrast them.
Cokie says that she read four picture books once and it only took her a week. Then she actually proposes that they read aloud to each other. I feel like Cokie should maybe be reassigned to the small class with the teachers’ aides.
Pete admits that he’s always dreamed of reading aloud to Logan (it’s in the book, I swear).
Cokie actually asks if Megan Rinehart wrote any picture books. When Mary Anne snarks that Babar doesn’t count, Cokie gets excited, thinking that old Megan wrote Babar.
Now I think I know where Cokie got her nickname. Though I’d probably change it to Weedie or Methie.
Claudia looks like Janine compared to Cokie.
They pick which four books to read and the meeting ends. Pete bolts out of there, since he’s had enough of Cokie’s shit (as have I). Mary Anne hangs out by the door to wait for Logan.
But OH NO! Cokie asks Logan to go to a movie!
Mary Anne doesn’t stick around to hear his response, but I’m sure she’s going to cry about it.
You know, I’m gonna call it and say that the BSC is actually accurate in their assessment of Cokie. She’s a massive bi-otch and is apparently dumber than Waldo Faldo. Though really, they should let her into the club - her bitchiness and self-absorption would fit right in.
Chapter 9:
If the BSC Notebook had spell-check, it would have blown up trying to read Claudia’s entries.
Toylit Monstur Uh-gen.
The Toilet Monster still exists and Claudia and the Kormans look like idiots. The end.
Chapter 10:
OH NO! LOGAN IS GOING OUT WITH COKIE!
If Mary Anne had any doubt that she should stay far, far away from Logan, the fact that he is dating Cokie should totally seal the deal.
You can redeem yourself, Mary Anne. I believe in you! Come on....please? I'll buy you another cat.
The group is meeting at Pete’s house to discuss their findings. To our utter shock, we find that Cokie has not read any of the books. And when Logan arrives, he and Cokie are acting all lovey-dovey.
This is the douchebag you want to get back together with, Mary Anne. Look at him. He’s practically making out with your sworn enemy right in front of you.
Cokie continues to rub in all the fun things that she and Logan have been doing. Logan stays silent, because we all know how shy and non-confrontational he is. Dick.
Logan and Cokie have been out every night, so Logan hasn’t done all of his reading either. But he swears he’ll get it done. Again, dick.
Pete takes charge and proposes that they all do independent research on Megan Rinehart and try to draw conclusions about her writing from her life. They each get one of the books to run an analysis on.
The group agrees to this, but Logan and Cokie have to run to a game in Brick Township. Is that where Cokie's parents are from? Because one of them has to be an absolute nimrod. And the whole coke comes in bricks thing. But I digress. You know none of this work is getting done. Mary Anne realizes that she and Pete are going to be stuck doing all the work. And yet, this doesn’t seem to have swayed her opinion about Logan.
If only I had a brick to throw right now…
I think I hate this book more than Mary Anne’s Makeover.