Mallory and the Mystery Diary Chapters 1-5
Chapter 1
Mallory thinks that being thirteen will magically make her life better. Her parents will think that she’s mature enough to get contacts and a nose job and she’ll blossom into a swan. Her parents will allow her to buy all the glittery sweatshirts that she wants. Her parents will also realize that they have other kids capable of doing chores. To be fair, I thought my life was going to get awesome when I became a teenager. I’d be totally hot and confident and get to dye my hair and be different from the shy girl I was. That never happened and now I’m cool with who I am.
And a lot can change in two years. Two years ago I didn’t have a driver’s license, but now I can drive myself to the bookstore and the library. That is the best reason I can think of for having a license. I can hang out at libraries and bookstores for as long as I want without having to rely on my mom for a ride. I also didn’t have a job two years ago and my career plans were different. I’m also not as nervous as I was about making phone calls anymore. I’d say that Mallory’s life might get better, but I’m sure the writers spend time brainstorming ways to fuck with Mallory.
Also, being thirteen for me wasn’t that great. It wasn’t that bad, either. When I was a kid, turning thirteen, sixteen, eighteen and twenty-one were really exciting events and I looked forward to them, but when I turned those ages, I was just like, “Whatever.” I didn’t magically become a different person once I hit a certain age. But at eleven, I can totally see thinking that turning a certain age will make your life awesome. Unfortunately, even if Mallory does turn thirteen, her life will probably start to suck more. She’ll probably have a horrible case of acne and get her period in a really embarrassing place and soil her favorite pants and have really bad cramps. Her parents will pile more responsibility on her and she probably won’t have any genuine friends.
Mallory was writing about how great it would be to be thirteen in her journal. Journals are different from diaries because diaries are daily records of events and journals are more personal. She says she writes in her journal mostly when she feels confused, hurt, or she hasn’t been treated fairly. She’s probably written in enough journals to fill a whole bookstore. My journal entries mostly consisted of complaining whenever I thought my family was being jackasses.
If I was Mallory, I’d be writing all the time about how I was so sick of doing all the damn chores. Seriously, the triplets are only one year younger than me-would it kill them to do the dishes? It isn’t rocket science. And I’d be super resentful that I have to beg for a pair of socks, but my parents are all, “We don’t believe in forcing our kids to do things they don’t want to do,” when it comes to the younger kids. I’m the older sister and the third oldest cousin, so there is a bit of resentment that my little brother gets away with shit I never got away with. And it’s a pain in the ass that my mom never bothers my brother to do chores. Although, to be fair, my brother does do chores. And he can actually pick shit he doesn’t like off his damn pizza.
I know I’d have been writing about that bullshit hazing I went through when I joined. That pissed me off as a kid and pisses me off even more now. The BSC knew Mallory! It wasn’t like they were letting in some random person they didn’t know. They knew Mallory and knew she helped out with her siblings and that she was trustworthy. But instead they have to make up some bullshit test that they didn’t know the answers to themselves. It must have felt so horrible for Mallory. I mean, the BSC were a bunch of older girls that Mallory looked up to and they go and pull that shit. It’s even more ridiculous when I think about how they acted Mallory was a horrible babysitter when all she did was spill something, ask a question, forget not to let the dog in, and ask the kids what they wanted for a snack instead of giving them a healthy snack.
Mrs. Pike calls Mallory. She made a casserole for the McGills and wants Mallory to take it over. Is there any reason why she can’t take it over herself? She also called Mallory fifteen minutes earlier than she needed to. That drives me nuts. My mom calls me to say that dinner is ready and the dinner isn’t taken out of the fridge or heated up. I’m like, “When you call me for dinner, I expect dinner to be hot and on the plate. I don’t want to stand around waiting.”
Mallory decides that the best way to pass the time is to think about the BSC and how it was such an honor to join. Mallory says that Kristy has a big mouth that sometimes gets her in trouble. I’m surprised Kristy isn’t punched daily for all the shit she says. Seriously, she’s like one of those people who thinks that she can say whatever the hell she wants and if someone’s offended, it’s their fault, even if she was saying horrible shit. Kristy is also great with children. I’d rather be watched by Pennywise than Kristy. Mallory says she used to be intimidated by Kristy. I would still be intimidated by her. Seriously, she acts like she has more authority over me than my own parents.
Mallory says that Dawn is never rude. I guess God didn’t strike her down for lying because being Mallory Pike was punishment enough. Dawn does whatever she wants. Yeah, that’d be great if you actually showed that. Instead of Dawn politely refusing junk food, she has to go on an hour long rant about how horrible junk food is. And she always has to call attention to the fact that she doesn’t eat meat or junk food. Do individuals constantly jump up and down screaming, “Look at me, look how unique and special I am?” There’s also the fact that Dawn acts that someone having different opinions than her is a personal insult, even though I’m sure a real individual wouldn’t care that someone can have different opinions than you.
Dawn also stands up for what she believes in. I don’t think standing up for what you believe in means throwing a tantrum because people have different opinions than you. And when Dawn did get involved in a cause, she threw a tantrum because people weren’t kissing her ass instead of being happy that there was a recycling center.
Chapter 2
Stacey lets Mallory in and invites her to hang out with her and Claudia. They go exploring and apparently Stacey’s house has an attic. I’ve never been in an attic or a basement. Stacey doesn’t feel like climbing stairs in the dark. Nothing will happen to you, Stacey. Mallory, on the other hand, will fall down the stairs and break both her legs. And she’ll still have to watch her siblings and I’m sure that if she asked for a snack or for someone to get her something she couldn’t reach, they’d bitch about how she was such a difficult patient.
They go in the attic and find a whole bunch of shit there. Mallory sees a trunk she likes that Stacey wants to throw out. Mallory says the trunk is handsome and is curious about what’s inside. The trunk is locked. Claudia is also curious about the trunk because it’s like a mystery from Nancy Drew. I’d have been excited if I found an old trunk. I’ve read enough books to think that maybe there’d be something exciting in it.
Mrs. McGill comes up to see what they’re doing. She was going to put the trunk out for the garbage collector. You aren’t even going to try and sell it? Maybe there are places you can pawn it or something. I read a book where the kids took stuff people thrown out from the side of the road and sold them to stores because lots of people threw out stuff that they could sell. You aren’t going to try and open the trunk? The McGills decide to let Mallory have the trunk. It would have been hilarious if there was really valuable shit in there that Mallory sold for a shit load of money. Of course Stacey would probably complain that Mallory tricked her into giving her the trunk once she found out that there was something valuable in it.
Mallory pays the triplets to bring the trunk home. Vanessa asks what’s inside of it and Mallory say she doesn’t know because it’s locked.
Chapter 3
Mallory and her siblings try to brainstorm a way to open the trunk. I know people have said to call a locksmith, but I didn’t think of that when I read the book. Sometimes I miss the really obvious solution. I’d ask if the parents didn’t know what was going on, but they’re probably working on making baby number nine. And I’m sure if they did see what was going on and suggested a locksmith, they’d make Mallory pay for one.
Vanessa is writing more poems about the trunk. There’s a rundown of the BSC. Mallory likes writing in the notebook because she likes to write. I like to write too, but that doesn’t mean I liked all the assignments that have to do with writing. I hated those freaking FCAT prompts about whether or not the arts should be banned or if kids watch too much TV and I had no desire to analyze what some acorn meant or write a poem about slavery. I started writing a story where Mallory made up some bullshit in the notebook entry just to fuck with Kristy.
Chapter 4
Dawn is babysitting for the Barretts. As usual, it pisses me off when she calls them impossible because they really weren’t. They were just typical kids. Lots of kids spill shit or play games you disapprove of or stay in their pajamas at 8:00 in the morning. The BSC just can’t handle kids when they’re disagreeing with them or questioning them or refusing to do something or just plain being stubborn. It’s a miracle that the kids in Stoneybrook are freaking pod people, because there is no way in hell they’d last dealing with an actual kid. Look how they freak out when a four year old acts like a four year old. It’s a good think I never babysat because after reading these books I’d have been like, “Why aren’t you listening to me? The kids listen to the BSC all the time!”
And at least the Barrett kids actually listen to Dawn. Buddy stopped playing guns because Dawn didn’t like it instead of saying, “You’re not my mom,” and then shooting her with a BB gun.
Dawn walks in to see that Buddy and Mrs. Barrett are discussing the fact that Buddy isn’t a very good reader. Dawn is embarrassed. I would be as well. Mrs. Barrett says that Buddy’s teacher wants her to spend time with Buddy working on his reading, but she’s a single mom with three kids and she has to work, so she’s having a difficult time with that.
Dawn goes upstairs to check on Marnie. Marnie’s lip starts to quiver when she sees Dawn. Marnie’s a smart baby. I don’t know why everyone goes on about how smart the Perkinses are when Marnie is the one with enough sense to be upset that Dawn is her babysitter. Dawn tries to help Buddy with his reading by picking out Green Eggs and Ham. I’m shocked Dawn didn’t bitch about how many trees were killed to write a book about cow murdering propaganda and then go off on a rant about how most Americans ate too much fatty foods. I can just see Dawn ranting and Buddy being like, “Well, I guess I got out of reading! Yay!” It would be pretty funny if Buddy tricked Dawn into going on a rant so he wouldn’t have to practice reading.
Suzi shows off because she knows how to read. It is annoying as fuck when your little sibling shows off at something you suck at. But it is realistic. I couldn’t hold a spoon or a pencil the right way and my brother could. He’d always have this smug look on his face. Buddy gets into a little argument with Suzi about that until Dawn tells him to stop. When Mrs. Barrett comes home, Dawn says the BSC can tutor Buddy. Mrs. Barrett agrees because she knows the BSC are the only people capable of solving kids’ problems because anyone who isn’t the BSC is useless.
Chapter 5
Vanessa threatens to talk in rhymes if Mallory doesn’t get the trunk open, so she calls the triplets to break the trunk. Doesn’t Vanessa speak in rhyme all the time? Anyway, the trunk is open and there are these really gorgeous antique dresses. I wonder how much they’d go for? And it would be pretty cool to have antique clothes. If I didn’t sell them, I’d probably find a safe place to display them. Mallory finds a diary belonging to a girl her age named Sophie. It was written in 1894. Would the diary have fallen apart by then? Mallory says that some of the writing is faded. I remember when I had to read historical documents for class and I was like, “What the fuck are they saying? How can I write an essay on this journal entry if I don’t know what the fuck the person is saying?” But Sophie(that’s the girl’s name) just says that this is her diary and this is a year of her life.
Mallory say she’s pretty sure Sophie is dead. This was written in 1894. I’m damn sure she’s either dead, immortal, or frozen like the damn Avatar. I’d have been thinking that maybe this will be like one of my books where someone finds a diary or something else mysterious from a previous occupant and there’s a mystery connecting the both of them that they need to solve. Mallory says how great it is to read and how she wants Buddy to like reading. I can’t snark her there because I love reading and I like encouraging people to read by telling them about all the great books I read. I’ve been telling my younger all about the BSC books and telling her to read them to see the batshittery for herself. Seriously, the look on her face when I tell her what goes down in these books is hilarious.
Mallory finds a pearl brooch set in gold. The pearls might not be real. But you could probably still sell that. Then again, I’d think some of this stuff is too pretty to sell. Maybe I’d keep some stuff and sell some stuff.
Mallory writes in her journal about what happened. She wonder what being twelve was like in 1894. She also says that her parents will let her wear whatever she wants and think about getting her contacts when she’s twelve. I got contacts at thirteen. I also want to know what Mallory wants to wear. I haven’t read about her mentioning that she’d like to wear a g-string and a really short skirt and tube tops to school. Mallory says she’s saving the diary to read for a stormy night.
I get that. Whenever I get a book I’m looking forward to, I’m always torn between gobbling it up like Claudia gobbles up junk food or savoring it like the last brownie. There’s something magical about reading a book that sticks with you for a long time for the first time and discovering everything. I love to reread books over and over, but there’s something about reading a book for the first time and going through all the twists and turns and worrying about what’s going to happen. My mom doesn’t understand how I can reread books because I know what’s going to happen. I say it’s like comfort. She eats fried chicken, I get my favorite book.
I really can understand Mallory saving the diary for a special occasion because I do the same thing. I wait for the library to get books I want for months and then I try to find the right occasion to read the books. Mallory sees that it’s five fifteen and she has to go tell her friends that she got the trunk open.