BSC #10: LOGAN LIKES MARY ANNE! OR MARY ANNE GETS HER VERY OWN STANFORD BLATCH! THE END!
BSC #10: LOGAN LIKES MARY ANNE! OR MARY ANNE GETS HER VERY OWN STANFORD BLATCH! THE END!
I know, I know. I seriously have been neglecting you guys and I’m sorry, I was working on other things. Like trying to work out a plan to kidnap the lying groundhog for acting like spring was coming early this year. I got a like a foot of snow to bury his ‘no shadow seeing’ ass in! THAT LITTLE BASTARD BETTER RUN!
As always, a big THANK YOU to everyone who reads, comments, follows and enjoys my snarks! It really does mean so much to me, you guys have no idea!
Chapter 7:
Claudia writes in the notebook that she sat for the Perfect Perkins girls and that the damn dog Chewy caused problems. WHAT THE FUCK DID THE DAMN DOG DO; DID HE SHIT ON GABBIE OR SOMETHING? FUCKING HELL, THE DOG PROBABLY JUST ACTED LIKE A DOG AND BITCH DIDN’T KNOW HOW THE FUCK TO TAKE IT! I HOPE CHEWY’S STANDING THERE LIKE THIS AT THE END OF THE DAY:
Anyway, chick wraps up the post by telling the Cult members NEVER LET THE DAMN DOG OUT OF THE BACK YARD AGAIN! OR WHAT… WOULD HE FUCKING EAT A BITCH OR WHAT? IF HE DOES SO, FOR FUCK’S SAKE… THROW DAWN, K-RON AND STACEY’S ASS IN THERE WITH HIM! YOU CAN BE FREE CLAUDIA; YOU CAN BE FINALLY FUCKING FREE!
Whatever, so Claudia gets to the Perfect Perkins house and Mrs. Perkins is freaking the fuck out over the mess of shit that happened; the dryer broke down, there’s a leak in the bathroom and Gabbie glued stickers to her bedroom door. OK a freak out isn’t necessary, the only she should be freaking about is the damn leak in the bathroom, because that could end up being bad. If the dryer can’t be fixed, get some hangers and hang the clothes around the house or get some of those wooden/plastic dryers and hang the clothes on that. And just leave Gabbie’s door the way it is, who gives a shit? FUCKING HELL, I DON’T HAVE ANY KIDS AND I FIGURED OUT EASY SOLUTIONS FOR ALMOST ALL THIS SHIT! BUT THE GROWN ASS WOMAN WITH TWO KIDS, PREGNANT WITH A THIRD HAS NO FUCKING CLUE!
She tells Claudia that Myriah’s at the community center, taking ‘creative theater’ BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DOES! WHY THE FUCK NOT?! And tells Claudia to pick her up from the bus stop at four o’clock. Mrs. Perkins says that she should be home after five; she has a check-up to make sure Laura’s a child prodigy like her sisters and then she’s stopping by a friend’s house. Because I know when I got two kids at home, a broken dryer, a damn leak and a million other things to fucking do… I HAVE TIME TO SPEND TIME WITH A FRIEND! WHY NOT JUST GIVE THE KIDS TO THE CULT TO FUCKING RAISE AT THIS POINT?!
Claudia asks where Chewy is and Mrs. P says that she put him in the yard AND THAT HE’S FINE THERE! WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE!
YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT MRS. PERKINS FUCKING TOLD CLAUDIA TO LEAVE CHEWY IN THE DAMN YARD AND CLAUDIA DIDN’T FUCKING LISTEN TO HER? HIS ‘CRAZINESS’ IS REALLY YOUR OWN FUCKING FAULT THEN, BITCH! SUPER SITTER, MY ASS!
So, Mrs. P leaves and Gabbie/Claudia talk about the door, with Claudia snotting about ‘how much work’ it’ll take to take the stickers off and FUCKING LEAVE IT THEN! IF IT’S NOT BOTHERING MRS. P, WHY THE FUCK IS IT BOTHERING YOU? When it’s time to go pick Myriah, Claudia BRINGS THE DAMN DOG! EVEN THOUGH THE TWO YEAR OLD SAYS THAT ‘MOMMY DOESN’T WALK HIM TO THE BUS STOP!’ FUCKING HELL, A TWO YEAR OLD HAS MORE LOGIC THAN CLAUDIA! THAT SHOULDN’T SURPRISE ME AS MUCH AS IT DOES, BUT STILL!
AND GUESS WHAT, KIDS?! THE FUCKING DOG TAKES OFF WHEN CLAUDIA DROPS THE LEASH LIKE A DUMBASS! HE EVEN STEALS MYRIAH’S BAG WITH ALL HER CRAP; NOTES FROM HER TEACHER PROBABLY SAYING HOW FUCKING BRILLIANT SHE IS, PLUS A PERMISSION SLIP AND ALL HER GOLD-STARRED WORKSHEETS! THE REST OF THE CHAPTER’S DEVOTED TO CHEWY NEARLY RUNNING EVERYONE OVER, EVEN POOR MIMI!
Charlotte’s the one who finally nabs the bag and the dog takes over AGAIN, leaving the girls to go home and worry about him. Cause it’s not like they could go LOOK for him or anything.
The chapter ends with a road worker ringing their doorbell, saying that Chewy’s in the backyard, making a pile of stolen orange cones. They give the cones back and everyone’s happy. Except me, I had to snark that fucking chapter.
Chapter 8:
We’re at ANOTHER FUCKING CULT MEETING; BECAUSE GOD FORBID WE FORGET THAT THIS FUCKING SERIES IS CALLED THE BSC OR ANYTHING! NO JUST SHOWING FIVE GIRLS HANGING OUT WOULD BE FUCKING BLASPHEMY AT THIS POINT!
K-Ron finally gets everyone to shut the fuck up by saying that she’ll be the one deciding whether or not the Cult gets a new gimp bitch; and then everyone’s quiet. She asks MA about the job with Jackie and MA completely THROWS HIM UNDER THE FUCKING BUS BY SAYING SHE ‘WASN’T TOO IMPRESSED!’ FUCKING SERIOUSLY, LOGAN WAS GREAT AND HIM/JACKIE GOT ALONG AND THE KID WAS STILL ALIVE WHEN MRS. R GOT HOME, SO WHAT ‘WASN’T IMPRESSIVE’?
YEA, THIS IS THE FUCKING FACE OF SOMEONE ‘NOT IMPRESSED’! SHE’S IMPRESSED WITH SOMETHING ALL RIGHT, JUST MAY NOT BE THE FUCKING BABYSITTING SHE’S PAYING ATTENTION TO!
The girls say they all like him and they think he would be a good addition to their merry pack of bitches; but UH-OH! DO THEY WANT A… *GULP* BOY AT ALL THEIR MEETINGS? GOD FORBID THEY WANNA TALK ABOUT BRAS OR K-RON’S ASS HAIR OR STACEY’S COLD SORES? CAN’T HAVE A BOY WITNESS ANY OF THAT! I MEAN, IT’S A BOY! YOU KNOW, THE VERY THING THAT STACEY RUNS THROUGH MORE THAN KLEENEX AND THE SEX K-RON’S TRANSITIONING TO AFTER COLLEGE? BOYS!!!!
Mrs. R calls and wants to arrange another sitter and GUESS WHAT BITCHES? NO ONE’S FREE AT ALL!
And K-Ron won’t let Logan do because he’s not a Cult member yet.
YOU ALREADY FIELD TESTED THE GUY, LET HIM FUCKING SIT! JUST BECAUSE HE DIDN’T SUCK DOWN THE KOOL-AID LIKE HE’S GONNA BE SUCKING OTHER THINGS FROM PETE LATER IN LIFE, DOESN’T MEAN HE CAN’T BE… I DUNNO…AN ASSOCIATE SITTER OR SOMETHING?
MA says that she could probably sit and that either her or Logan could come; once they you know… ACTUALLY FUCKING DECIDE WHAT THE HELL TO DO WITH HIM! FUCKING HELL!
K-Ron tells MA to call Logan and see what he says; letting her… LEAVE THE MEETING EARLY TO DO SO? OH MY ASS SHE LET HER; MY PEPSI DRINKING, COOKIE LOVING, BOOK READING, SNARKY ASS! MA calls and get this shit, LOGAN TURNS HER DOWN!
But it’s not all bad; he ends up inviting MA to ‘the Remember September Dance’ with him. And I ponder why the fuck I still know that after almost THIRTY FUCKING YEARS LATER and why I still don’t have cell phone numbers of loved ones freaking memorized and I have myself a little cry.
The chapter ends with MA happy as a pig in poop; or Stacey is anytime she sees anything with a dick in a ten foot radius and the chapter with her pondering why Logan didn’t want to be a gimp for a Cult of twats at all.
Chapter 9:
Stacey sits for Charlotte and it comes out that MA’s birthday’s coming up, with Charlotte saying that the Cult should throw her a party. Not a bad idea until… CHARLOTTE SUGGESTS THROWING HER A SURPRISE PARTY! Stacey says that MA would basically rather crawl into a hole and fucking die than have to deal with a surprise party and Charlotte suggests a surprise cake instead. THAT’S STILL A SURPRISE, NUMBNUTS! DOESN’T MATTER IF IT’S A WHOLE PARTY OR JUST A CAKE, IF THE GIRL’S SHY; THIS IS ONLY GONNA MAKE HER EMBARRASSED AS SHIT!
But since Stacey’s already dreaming of all the boys she could possibly trap; she plans the party and makes it so everyone has to bring a date. Yea, not to judge or anything… BUT WHO THE FUCK KNEW SOMEONE THEY FELT COMFORTABLE TAKING AS A DATE TO A PARTY AT THAT AGE! THEY’RE STILL TWELVE RIGHT, AT LEAST MOST OF THEM ARE? WHO ‘DATED’ AT THAT AGE? FUCKING HELL ANN, NOT EVERYTHING IS A FIFTIES SITCOM, YOU KNOW!
So Stacey puts her plan into motion and kinda, sorta, hints to MA to invite Logan to this TOTALLY AWESOME AMAZEBALLS PARTY SHE’S JUST SO HAPPENING TO THROW AROUND THE TIME OF HER BIRTHDAY, BUT IT SOOO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER BIRTHDAY! AT ALL! NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT!
FUCKING HELL!
Chapter 10:
Richard gives MA his FUCKING CHARGE CARD to go shopping for a new outfit for the dance. BULLSHIT! HOW THE FUCK IS SHE EVEN SUPPOSED TO USE THE FUCKING CARD WITHOUT ID OR ANYTHING? I know, it really is sweet of Richard to do that; but STILL!
She gets the Cult together to go shopping and OF COURSE, everyone wants to go to a different department. And I hate to actually say this, it physically hurts me to; but Dawn’s the one that’s right, they need to go to juniors for an outfit BEFORE shoes or anything else. And Stacey and K-Ron prove once again, they only have one fucking personality trait; Stacey’s slutty ass wants to go to the underwear because bitch probably has a date and K-Ron wants to go to Sportswear; because apparently you can find ‘nice sweaters and accessories’ there? DA FUCK?
They basically decide on the same this I just said; and Stacey’s still fucking adamant about going to the underwear department. DA HOLY FUCK? IS SHE PLANNING FOR MA TO GIVE LOGAN THE BOOTY AFTER THE DANCE OR SOMETHING? LOOK YOU BLONDE SKANK; JUST BECAUSE YOU JUMP ON ANYTHING THAT FUCKING MOVES, DOESN’T MEAN THAT MARY ANNE HAS TO AS WELL!
In the junior section, we get the ONE OUTFIT THAT EVERY-FUCKING-BODY REMEMBERS FROM THIS SERIES: THE FAMOUS CITIES SKIRT OUTFIT!
‘A full white skirt with the words Paris, Rome, and London, and sketchy pink and blue pictures of the Eiffel Tower, the Tower Bridge and other stuff scrawled all over it. A pink shirt and baggy pink sweater, and white slip-on shoes with pink and blue edging that matched the pink and blue in the skirt’. I have no clue why Ann or whoever didn’t think of actually making/selling these clothes for real like they did with American Girl. COULD’VE MADE A FUCKING FORTUNE, ALL I’M SAYING!
Outfit in hand; MA talks the two nimrods out of the underwear and sportswear departments and goes home. The day of the dance comes and MA’s so nervous about her first date; K-RON ACTUALLY CANCELS THE FUCKING CULT MEETING SO EVERYONE CAN HELP HER GET READY!
ON THE ONE HAND, I’M HAPPY THAT THIS VERSION OF K-RON WAS A SWEET PERSON AND ON THE OTHER? I’M SCREAMING BULLSHIT SO FUCKING LOUD, I THINK THE NINJA SQUIRREL FELL OUT OF THE DAMN TREE IN MY YARD!
The Cult gets her ready and by 5:30; THE TIME THE FUCKING MEETING WOULD’VE BEEN STARTING ANYWAY, everyone goes home. SO CANCELLING THE MEETING WAS UTTERLY POINTLESS, ANN! Whatever, MA tells us that everyone’s going to the dance; K-Ron and Dawn have no dates, because nobody in their right mind would ever date them, Claudia’s going with Austin and Stacey’s going with Howie, the asshole she’ll bitch about in a few books. Guess Pete’s spending the night locked in the dungeon or something!
Richard drives everyone to the dance and when they get there we get more OUTFIT DESCRIPTIONS! K-Ron’s in her damn uniform, Dawn is wearing an oversized sweater and stretch pants Stacey is in a fucking jumpsuit, and Claudia’s has on ‘short, tight fitting black pants, a white shirt that said BE-Bop all over it and pics of rock and roll dancers and a floppy blue bow.’ Why am I now picturing these guys:
MA and Logan meet up and Logan gives her a crushed orange flower that someone stepped on. They end up dancing a bit and for a while, it goes ok. They dance all crazy and not giving a shit who’s watching and then…MARY ANNE KICKS OFF HER SHOW AND NEARLY KNOCKS THE VICE-PRINCIPAL IN THE HEAD WITH IT! AND I WOULD’VE DIED IF THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME, EVEN NOWADAYS!
The poor girl gets so embarrassed, mainly because PEOPLE START LAUGHING AT HER, INCLUDING OTHER CULT MEMBERS AND LOGAN! FUCKING BITCHES!
She spends the rest of the night refusing to get off the bleachers, causing Logan to dance with the other girls INSTEAD OF SITTING WITH HIS OWN DATE! GOD, LOGAN’S SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE!
The dance ends at the end of the chapter and he walks her out.
Chapter 11:
MA says that Logan and her have been spending lots of time together; they have lunch all the time, they went to a football game and he even asked her to the movies. GO MARY ANNE!
Then the rest of the chapter is devoted to K-Ron and Dawn sitting for the Hellbeast Spawn known as Karen, Andrew and David Michael. And deciding what to get MA for her birthday. Just saved you guys a chapter.
Chapter 12:
Logan calls MA to talk about the movie Meatballs; and I’m fucking SHOCKED that Ann named a sorta recent movie and I’m betting she never watched it at all. I never have myself, I’ve seen the others Comedy Central used to play Meatballs 2 ALL THE FUCKING TIME and that was SOOO not a movie for kids, and I’m betting neither is the first one!
Then we get a kinda Girl Talk experience with Stacey calling MA about the party, MA calling Dad to check if she can go and then calling Logan to ask him to go. And they talk a bit about Logan still not wanting to join the club, but he does agree to go to the party… so that’s good.
Chapter 13:
MA goes to Stacey’s and has no clue about the surprise, EVEN THOUGH STACEY TELLS HER TO GET THERE A HALF-HOUR LATER AND EVERYONE ELSE IS THERE ALREADY WHEN SHE GETS THERE! FUCKING HELL, REALLY? NO CLUE AT ALL?
IT EVEN TAKES HER A MINUTE TO FIGURE OUT THAT SHE’S THE ONE THE CAKE IS FOR WHEN IT COMES OUT AND EVERYONE SINGS! AND SINCE NONE OF HER FRIENDS REALLY KNOW HER AT ALL; WHEN SHE DOES A RUNNER OUT THE DOOR, NO ONE KNOWS WHY OR FOLLOWS HER AT ALL!
Chapter 14:
After MA gets home, she cries about the fact that she has some fucked up friends and how no one’s even bothered to come check on her at all. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE MA, RUN THE FUCK AWAY!
The next day, she asks Richard for a cat and he agrees, as long as she buys the toys, dishes and litter box herself and he’ll handle the rest. They decide to go to the shelter and she calls Logan to make up and why she’s the one apologizing I have no fucking clue, but he does come with her to get the cat. And we get to see Tigger the perma kitten for the first time and Logan gives her a silver bracelet for her birthday AND invites her to the Fifties Fling dance.
Chapter 15:
The Cult call to apologize and bring over all her presents and some cake; because even though she ran out the door THESE ASSHOLES STILL ATE HER FUCKING CAKE! FUCKING HELL, REALLY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
She gets a famous cities shirt and socks to go with the skirt, a Smash tape, jewelry Claudia made, a windup dinosaur that shoots sparks and a cow pin from the boys the party that call me crazy; sounds AWESOME! But then again, I used to have a keychain of a pig that when you squeeze the sides, it pooped!
YOU ALL THINK I’M PLAYING? LOL!
Then we JUST HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT DAWN BITCHING ABOUT EATING A PIECE OF CAKE; AND HOW SHE NEEDS TO BRUSH HER TEETH/RINSE HER MOUTH OUT! FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING TWAT! YOU COULD’VE HAD RICE CAKES WITH STACEY, DUMBASS!
The next day, it’s actually MA’s birthday and they get a fuckton of calls, including one from a guy with four boys who we never hear from again, and the girls are sad because Logan could’ve took the job. MA’s the one who gets the bright idea of making him an associate and calling him when he’s needed and I have no idea why it took them this fucking long to figure that shit out, but whatever. MA calls Logan and he’s down and apparently he knows a bunch of other guys that might want to join and this is never referenced at all until the fucking TV show. TOP NOTCH JOB THERE, ANN!
The book ends with MA happy as Hell about all the new developments in her life; cat, her very own Stanford Blatch, and her birthday. (*The irony of this is that today’s Dawn’s birthday, I guess that bitch always has to upstage everyone!)
That’s all folks! Thank you for reading and commenting! Next one’s Mallory Hates Boys (And Gym)! See you next time!
There’s Golden Girls snarks and a new book snark! Let me know what you guys think! Thanks again!
I know, I know. I seriously have been neglecting you guys and I’m sorry, I was working on other things. Like trying to work out a plan to kidnap the lying groundhog for acting like spring was coming early this year. I got a like a foot of snow to bury his ‘no shadow seeing’ ass in! THAT LITTLE BASTARD BETTER RUN!
As always, a big THANK YOU to everyone who reads, comments, follows and enjoys my snarks! It really does mean so much to me, you guys have no idea!
Chapter 7:
Claudia writes in the notebook that she sat for the Perfect Perkins girls and that the damn dog Chewy caused problems. WHAT THE FUCK DID THE DAMN DOG DO; DID HE SHIT ON GABBIE OR SOMETHING? FUCKING HELL, THE DOG PROBABLY JUST ACTED LIKE A DOG AND BITCH DIDN’T KNOW HOW THE FUCK TO TAKE IT! I HOPE CHEWY’S STANDING THERE LIKE THIS AT THE END OF THE DAY:
Anyway, chick wraps up the post by telling the Cult members NEVER LET THE DAMN DOG OUT OF THE BACK YARD AGAIN! OR WHAT… WOULD HE FUCKING EAT A BITCH OR WHAT? IF HE DOES SO, FOR FUCK’S SAKE… THROW DAWN, K-RON AND STACEY’S ASS IN THERE WITH HIM! YOU CAN BE FREE CLAUDIA; YOU CAN BE FINALLY FUCKING FREE!
Whatever, so Claudia gets to the Perfect Perkins house and Mrs. Perkins is freaking the fuck out over the mess of shit that happened; the dryer broke down, there’s a leak in the bathroom and Gabbie glued stickers to her bedroom door. OK a freak out isn’t necessary, the only she should be freaking about is the damn leak in the bathroom, because that could end up being bad. If the dryer can’t be fixed, get some hangers and hang the clothes around the house or get some of those wooden/plastic dryers and hang the clothes on that. And just leave Gabbie’s door the way it is, who gives a shit? FUCKING HELL, I DON’T HAVE ANY KIDS AND I FIGURED OUT EASY SOLUTIONS FOR ALMOST ALL THIS SHIT! BUT THE GROWN ASS WOMAN WITH TWO KIDS, PREGNANT WITH A THIRD HAS NO FUCKING CLUE!
She tells Claudia that Myriah’s at the community center, taking ‘creative theater’ BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DOES! WHY THE FUCK NOT?! And tells Claudia to pick her up from the bus stop at four o’clock. Mrs. Perkins says that she should be home after five; she has a check-up to make sure Laura’s a child prodigy like her sisters and then she’s stopping by a friend’s house. Because I know when I got two kids at home, a broken dryer, a damn leak and a million other things to fucking do… I HAVE TIME TO SPEND TIME WITH A FRIEND! WHY NOT JUST GIVE THE KIDS TO THE CULT TO FUCKING RAISE AT THIS POINT?!
Claudia asks where Chewy is and Mrs. P says that she put him in the yard AND THAT HE’S FINE THERE! WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE!
Click to viewYOU’RE TELLING ME THAT MRS. PERKINS FUCKING TOLD CLAUDIA TO LEAVE CHEWY IN THE DAMN YARD AND CLAUDIA DIDN’T FUCKING LISTEN TO HER? HIS ‘CRAZINESS’ IS REALLY YOUR OWN FUCKING FAULT THEN, BITCH! SUPER SITTER, MY ASS!
So, Mrs. P leaves and Gabbie/Claudia talk about the door, with Claudia snotting about ‘how much work’ it’ll take to take the stickers off and FUCKING LEAVE IT THEN! IF IT’S NOT BOTHERING MRS. P, WHY THE FUCK IS IT BOTHERING YOU? When it’s time to go pick Myriah, Claudia BRINGS THE DAMN DOG! EVEN THOUGH THE TWO YEAR OLD SAYS THAT ‘MOMMY DOESN’T WALK HIM TO THE BUS STOP!’ FUCKING HELL, A TWO YEAR OLD HAS MORE LOGIC THAN CLAUDIA! THAT SHOULDN’T SURPRISE ME AS MUCH AS IT DOES, BUT STILL!
AND GUESS WHAT, KIDS?! THE FUCKING DOG TAKES OFF WHEN CLAUDIA DROPS THE LEASH LIKE A DUMBASS! HE EVEN STEALS MYRIAH’S BAG WITH ALL HER CRAP; NOTES FROM HER TEACHER PROBABLY SAYING HOW FUCKING BRILLIANT SHE IS, PLUS A PERMISSION SLIP AND ALL HER GOLD-STARRED WORKSHEETS! THE REST OF THE CHAPTER’S DEVOTED TO CHEWY NEARLY RUNNING EVERYONE OVER, EVEN POOR MIMI!
Charlotte’s the one who finally nabs the bag and the dog takes over AGAIN, leaving the girls to go home and worry about him. Cause it’s not like they could go LOOK for him or anything.
The chapter ends with a road worker ringing their doorbell, saying that Chewy’s in the backyard, making a pile of stolen orange cones. They give the cones back and everyone’s happy. Except me, I had to snark that fucking chapter.
Chapter 8:
We’re at ANOTHER FUCKING CULT MEETING; BECAUSE GOD FORBID WE FORGET THAT THIS FUCKING SERIES IS CALLED THE BSC OR ANYTHING! NO JUST SHOWING FIVE GIRLS HANGING OUT WOULD BE FUCKING BLASPHEMY AT THIS POINT!
K-Ron finally gets everyone to shut the fuck up by saying that she’ll be the one deciding whether or not the Cult gets a new gimp bitch; and then everyone’s quiet. She asks MA about the job with Jackie and MA completely THROWS HIM UNDER THE FUCKING BUS BY SAYING SHE ‘WASN’T TOO IMPRESSED!’ FUCKING SERIOUSLY, LOGAN WAS GREAT AND HIM/JACKIE GOT ALONG AND THE KID WAS STILL ALIVE WHEN MRS. R GOT HOME, SO WHAT ‘WASN’T IMPRESSIVE’?
YEA, THIS IS THE FUCKING FACE OF SOMEONE ‘NOT IMPRESSED’! SHE’S IMPRESSED WITH SOMETHING ALL RIGHT, JUST MAY NOT BE THE FUCKING BABYSITTING SHE’S PAYING ATTENTION TO!
The girls say they all like him and they think he would be a good addition to their merry pack of bitches; but UH-OH! DO THEY WANT A… *GULP* BOY AT ALL THEIR MEETINGS? GOD FORBID THEY WANNA TALK ABOUT BRAS OR K-RON’S ASS HAIR OR STACEY’S COLD SORES? CAN’T HAVE A BOY WITNESS ANY OF THAT! I MEAN, IT’S A BOY! YOU KNOW, THE VERY THING THAT STACEY RUNS THROUGH MORE THAN KLEENEX AND THE SEX K-RON’S TRANSITIONING TO AFTER COLLEGE? BOYS!!!!
Mrs. R calls and wants to arrange another sitter and GUESS WHAT BITCHES? NO ONE’S FREE AT ALL!
And K-Ron won’t let Logan do because he’s not a Cult member yet.
YOU ALREADY FIELD TESTED THE GUY, LET HIM FUCKING SIT! JUST BECAUSE HE DIDN’T SUCK DOWN THE KOOL-AID LIKE HE’S GONNA BE SUCKING OTHER THINGS FROM PETE LATER IN LIFE, DOESN’T MEAN HE CAN’T BE… I DUNNO…AN ASSOCIATE SITTER OR SOMETHING?
MA says that she could probably sit and that either her or Logan could come; once they you know… ACTUALLY FUCKING DECIDE WHAT THE HELL TO DO WITH HIM! FUCKING HELL!
K-Ron tells MA to call Logan and see what he says; letting her… LEAVE THE MEETING EARLY TO DO SO? OH MY ASS SHE LET HER; MY PEPSI DRINKING, COOKIE LOVING, BOOK READING, SNARKY ASS! MA calls and get this shit, LOGAN TURNS HER DOWN!
But it’s not all bad; he ends up inviting MA to ‘the Remember September Dance’ with him. And I ponder why the fuck I still know that after almost THIRTY FUCKING YEARS LATER and why I still don’t have cell phone numbers of loved ones freaking memorized and I have myself a little cry.
The chapter ends with MA happy as a pig in poop; or Stacey is anytime she sees anything with a dick in a ten foot radius and the chapter with her pondering why Logan didn’t want to be a gimp for a Cult of twats at all.
Chapter 9:
Stacey sits for Charlotte and it comes out that MA’s birthday’s coming up, with Charlotte saying that the Cult should throw her a party. Not a bad idea until… CHARLOTTE SUGGESTS THROWING HER A SURPRISE PARTY! Stacey says that MA would basically rather crawl into a hole and fucking die than have to deal with a surprise party and Charlotte suggests a surprise cake instead. THAT’S STILL A SURPRISE, NUMBNUTS! DOESN’T MATTER IF IT’S A WHOLE PARTY OR JUST A CAKE, IF THE GIRL’S SHY; THIS IS ONLY GONNA MAKE HER EMBARRASSED AS SHIT!
But since Stacey’s already dreaming of all the boys she could possibly trap; she plans the party and makes it so everyone has to bring a date. Yea, not to judge or anything… BUT WHO THE FUCK KNEW SOMEONE THEY FELT COMFORTABLE TAKING AS A DATE TO A PARTY AT THAT AGE! THEY’RE STILL TWELVE RIGHT, AT LEAST MOST OF THEM ARE? WHO ‘DATED’ AT THAT AGE? FUCKING HELL ANN, NOT EVERYTHING IS A FIFTIES SITCOM, YOU KNOW!
So Stacey puts her plan into motion and kinda, sorta, hints to MA to invite Logan to this TOTALLY AWESOME AMAZEBALLS PARTY SHE’S JUST SO HAPPENING TO THROW AROUND THE TIME OF HER BIRTHDAY, BUT IT SOOO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER BIRTHDAY! AT ALL! NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT!
FUCKING HELL!
Chapter 10:
Richard gives MA his FUCKING CHARGE CARD to go shopping for a new outfit for the dance. BULLSHIT! HOW THE FUCK IS SHE EVEN SUPPOSED TO USE THE FUCKING CARD WITHOUT ID OR ANYTHING? I know, it really is sweet of Richard to do that; but STILL!
She gets the Cult together to go shopping and OF COURSE, everyone wants to go to a different department. And I hate to actually say this, it physically hurts me to; but Dawn’s the one that’s right, they need to go to juniors for an outfit BEFORE shoes or anything else. And Stacey and K-Ron prove once again, they only have one fucking personality trait; Stacey’s slutty ass wants to go to the underwear because bitch probably has a date and K-Ron wants to go to Sportswear; because apparently you can find ‘nice sweaters and accessories’ there? DA FUCK?
They basically decide on the same this I just said; and Stacey’s still fucking adamant about going to the underwear department. DA HOLY FUCK? IS SHE PLANNING FOR MA TO GIVE LOGAN THE BOOTY AFTER THE DANCE OR SOMETHING? LOOK YOU BLONDE SKANK; JUST BECAUSE YOU JUMP ON ANYTHING THAT FUCKING MOVES, DOESN’T MEAN THAT MARY ANNE HAS TO AS WELL!
In the junior section, we get the ONE OUTFIT THAT EVERY-FUCKING-BODY REMEMBERS FROM THIS SERIES: THE FAMOUS CITIES SKIRT OUTFIT!
‘A full white skirt with the words Paris, Rome, and London, and sketchy pink and blue pictures of the Eiffel Tower, the Tower Bridge and other stuff scrawled all over it. A pink shirt and baggy pink sweater, and white slip-on shoes with pink and blue edging that matched the pink and blue in the skirt’. I have no clue why Ann or whoever didn’t think of actually making/selling these clothes for real like they did with American Girl. COULD’VE MADE A FUCKING FORTUNE, ALL I’M SAYING!
Outfit in hand; MA talks the two nimrods out of the underwear and sportswear departments and goes home. The day of the dance comes and MA’s so nervous about her first date; K-RON ACTUALLY CANCELS THE FUCKING CULT MEETING SO EVERYONE CAN HELP HER GET READY!
ON THE ONE HAND, I’M HAPPY THAT THIS VERSION OF K-RON WAS A SWEET PERSON AND ON THE OTHER? I’M SCREAMING BULLSHIT SO FUCKING LOUD, I THINK THE NINJA SQUIRREL FELL OUT OF THE DAMN TREE IN MY YARD!
The Cult gets her ready and by 5:30; THE TIME THE FUCKING MEETING WOULD’VE BEEN STARTING ANYWAY, everyone goes home. SO CANCELLING THE MEETING WAS UTTERLY POINTLESS, ANN! Whatever, MA tells us that everyone’s going to the dance; K-Ron and Dawn have no dates, because nobody in their right mind would ever date them, Claudia’s going with Austin and Stacey’s going with Howie, the asshole she’ll bitch about in a few books. Guess Pete’s spending the night locked in the dungeon or something!
Richard drives everyone to the dance and when they get there we get more OUTFIT DESCRIPTIONS! K-Ron’s in her damn uniform, Dawn is wearing an oversized sweater and stretch pants Stacey is in a fucking jumpsuit, and Claudia’s has on ‘short, tight fitting black pants, a white shirt that said BE-Bop all over it and pics of rock and roll dancers and a floppy blue bow.’ Why am I now picturing these guys:
MA and Logan meet up and Logan gives her a crushed orange flower that someone stepped on. They end up dancing a bit and for a while, it goes ok. They dance all crazy and not giving a shit who’s watching and then…MARY ANNE KICKS OFF HER SHOW AND NEARLY KNOCKS THE VICE-PRINCIPAL IN THE HEAD WITH IT! AND I WOULD’VE DIED IF THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME, EVEN NOWADAYS!
The poor girl gets so embarrassed, mainly because PEOPLE START LAUGHING AT HER, INCLUDING OTHER CULT MEMBERS AND LOGAN! FUCKING BITCHES!
She spends the rest of the night refusing to get off the bleachers, causing Logan to dance with the other girls INSTEAD OF SITTING WITH HIS OWN DATE! GOD, LOGAN’S SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE!
The dance ends at the end of the chapter and he walks her out.
Chapter 11:
MA says that Logan and her have been spending lots of time together; they have lunch all the time, they went to a football game and he even asked her to the movies. GO MARY ANNE!
Then the rest of the chapter is devoted to K-Ron and Dawn sitting for the Hellbeast Spawn known as Karen, Andrew and David Michael. And deciding what to get MA for her birthday. Just saved you guys a chapter.
Chapter 12:
Logan calls MA to talk about the movie Meatballs; and I’m fucking SHOCKED that Ann named a sorta recent movie and I’m betting she never watched it at all. I never have myself, I’ve seen the others Comedy Central used to play Meatballs 2 ALL THE FUCKING TIME and that was SOOO not a movie for kids, and I’m betting neither is the first one!
Then we get a kinda Girl Talk experience with Stacey calling MA about the party, MA calling Dad to check if she can go and then calling Logan to ask him to go. And they talk a bit about Logan still not wanting to join the club, but he does agree to go to the party… so that’s good.
Chapter 13:
MA goes to Stacey’s and has no clue about the surprise, EVEN THOUGH STACEY TELLS HER TO GET THERE A HALF-HOUR LATER AND EVERYONE ELSE IS THERE ALREADY WHEN SHE GETS THERE! FUCKING HELL, REALLY? NO CLUE AT ALL?
IT EVEN TAKES HER A MINUTE TO FIGURE OUT THAT SHE’S THE ONE THE CAKE IS FOR WHEN IT COMES OUT AND EVERYONE SINGS! AND SINCE NONE OF HER FRIENDS REALLY KNOW HER AT ALL; WHEN SHE DOES A RUNNER OUT THE DOOR, NO ONE KNOWS WHY OR FOLLOWS HER AT ALL!
Chapter 14:
After MA gets home, she cries about the fact that she has some fucked up friends and how no one’s even bothered to come check on her at all. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE MA, RUN THE FUCK AWAY!
The next day, she asks Richard for a cat and he agrees, as long as she buys the toys, dishes and litter box herself and he’ll handle the rest. They decide to go to the shelter and she calls Logan to make up and why she’s the one apologizing I have no fucking clue, but he does come with her to get the cat. And we get to see Tigger the perma kitten for the first time and Logan gives her a silver bracelet for her birthday AND invites her to the Fifties Fling dance.
Chapter 15:
The Cult call to apologize and bring over all her presents and some cake; because even though she ran out the door THESE ASSHOLES STILL ATE HER FUCKING CAKE! FUCKING HELL, REALLY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
She gets a famous cities shirt and socks to go with the skirt, a Smash tape, jewelry Claudia made, a windup dinosaur that shoots sparks and a cow pin from the boys the party that call me crazy; sounds AWESOME! But then again, I used to have a keychain of a pig that when you squeeze the sides, it pooped!
YOU ALL THINK I’M PLAYING? LOL!
Then we JUST HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT DAWN BITCHING ABOUT EATING A PIECE OF CAKE; AND HOW SHE NEEDS TO BRUSH HER TEETH/RINSE HER MOUTH OUT! FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING TWAT! YOU COULD’VE HAD RICE CAKES WITH STACEY, DUMBASS!
The next day, it’s actually MA’s birthday and they get a fuckton of calls, including one from a guy with four boys who we never hear from again, and the girls are sad because Logan could’ve took the job. MA’s the one who gets the bright idea of making him an associate and calling him when he’s needed and I have no idea why it took them this fucking long to figure that shit out, but whatever. MA calls Logan and he’s down and apparently he knows a bunch of other guys that might want to join and this is never referenced at all until the fucking TV show. TOP NOTCH JOB THERE, ANN!
The book ends with MA happy as Hell about all the new developments in her life; cat, her very own Stanford Blatch, and her birthday. (*The irony of this is that today’s Dawn’s birthday, I guess that bitch always has to upstage everyone!)
That’s all folks! Thank you for reading and commenting! Next one’s Mallory Hates Boys (And Gym)! See you next time!
There’s Golden Girls snarks and a new book snark! Let me know what you guys think! Thanks again!