Dawn's Wicked Stepsister Chapters 1-5
Chapter 1
I was a little nervous about recapping this book because I’ve read snarks of it and didn’t know if I’d be able to deal with the bitchery. Then I remembered that I snarked Claudia and the New Girl and Mary Anne’s Makeover and didn’t die of rage. I was also trying to decide whether I should snark this, Jessi’s Horrible Prank, or the Mystery at Claudia’s house, so I wrote them down to decide. And I couldn’t remember the name of this book, so I just wrote, “Dawn is a bitch.”
Dawn starts things off by complaining. I’m shocked. Totally shocked. Kind of like how shocked I get when I find out that there’s snow up north or people sing in musicals. What happens is that they’re at the Schafer Spier wedding and Mary Anne catches the bouquet. Dawn italicizes that like she can’t believe it just happened. Mary Anne’s not very coordinated, but she manages to catch the bouquet. Dawn says that Mary Anne suddenly developed superpowers and her arms stretched far enough to grab the bouquet. Dawn’s acting like Mary Anne just elbowed and sucker punched everyone and stepped on their heads while leaping to get the bouquet. I think you confused Mary Anne with Kristy. I’m sure Kristy doesn’t give a shit about whoever catching the bouquet being the next to marry, but it’s a competition and we all know how nuts Kristy gets over that. She probably compares her shits to others and goes-“My shit was bigger and smellier! I win!”
Dawn thinks that she should have caught the bouquet because her mom was the bride and I don’t recall that being a rule in wedding etiquette. I didn’t realize there was a law stating that the bride’s daughter should get the bouquet. Dawn thinks that maybe Mary Anne tried harder for the bouquet because she has Logan. Does anyone really take this seriously? I don’t really think that if I catch the bouquet I’ll be the next to get married. It’s just a bit of fun superstition. Dawn complains about Mary Anne nearly killing them and I must have skipped the part where Mary Anne shoved people out of her way and whipped out the brass knuckles. Kristy calls out congratulations and Dawn stops being a whiny bitch for two seconds. She congratulates Mary Anne and calls her sis.
Backstory. I think counting the hairs my dog left on the carpet would have been more entertaining. They’re at a restaurant and Dawn writes that Sharon just tosses the bouquet and Mary Anne just caught it. So Dawn was just exaggerating that Mary Anne nearly killed them all? Dawn said she’d have killed to get her hands on the bouquet and why? It’s just a superstition, isn’t it? Does anyone really believe that they’ll get married next if they catch the bouquet? I didn’t realize Dawn was so concerned about getting married. It’s not like this was the winning lottery ticket or a check for a shit load of money. It’s a bunch of fucking flowers. Maybe Dawn wanted them for a snack.
Sharon and Richard are going to have raunchy wedding sex at a hotel while Jeff stays the night at the Pikes. Mary Anne and Dawn are going to stay alone. I didn’t stay home alone overnight until I was nineteen or twenty and I was still scared. My aunt used to live in a large house and when my uncle had to go out overnight, she’d have me stay over. I would probably be afraid of staying home by myself if I had a large house. I’d be paranoid that someone was breaking in and I didn’t realize it. Charlie drives the BSC back so they can dish (that means gossip. Dawn had to define it because we don’t understand context clues. Without her saying that, I’d have thought they were talking about actual dishes) about the wedding. I’m trying to imagine cramming seven people in a car. I remember when I went to Jamaica with my family and we had to drive to Kingston. We basically crammed eight or so people in the car and it was such a pain because we were all squished together. I think there was some lap-riding going on. Having someone sit in your lap or sitting in their lap can get very uncomfortable after a while. I feel like I should make a joke about Stacey and laps, but I got nothing. I have vague ideas, but nothing that I can form into actual words. So yes, being crammed into a vehicle with a bunch of people is not pleasant.
Once they get out of the car, Kristy is like, “Your parents kissed in public! EEEEWWW! Boys have cooties!” Claudia teases Mary Anne for crying so much at the wedding. Yeah, I’d be crying too if I got Dawn as a stepsister and had to live with her.
Chapter 2
Dawn says that Kristy has kind of a big mouth. That’s like Dawn saying she’s kind of a judgmental bitch. I also agree with Dawn (now I have to go scrub myself in the shower) when she says that the Kishis should be glad Claudia’s reading at all. Yeah, I’d be happy if my kid was reading. I don’t object to Claudia reading Nancy Drew, but it does irk me that she doesn’t even consider reading anything else. But I’m a big reader, so I’m always on the lookout for new books. I don’t do the whole new year new me shit- I do new year, new books! Maybe the Kishis are trying to do reverse psychology on Claudia and figured that if they objected to Nancy Drew, she’d read it out of spite.
I also think they might think that Nancy Drew is a bad influence on Claudia. I mean, she and her friends are basically tailing criminals and holding stakeout instead of getting the police. I’m imagining her parents saying, “You can’t do this-it’s dangerous!”
And Claudia going, “Nancy Drew does it!” And then they can point out the passages where Nancy got kidnapped or injured. I also notice that Claudia is described as being a funky dresser because she wears sparkly pink high tops and skirts over leggings. Is the skirt/legging combination really that unusual? I’ve seen it done before.
Dawn says that Mary Anne would never laugh at someone if they make a mistake or make fun of them. Did she forget when Mary Anne mocked her because she was scared in New York? Dawn is also shocked that Mary Anne and Kristy are best friends. Yeah, I’m shocked that Kristy has any friends at all. I’m shocked lots of these girls have any friends. I couldn’t see myself being friends with Kristy because I don’t feel like having my friend boss me around and glaring at me if I’m one minute late or making me feel guilty because I’m sick. I couldn’t be friends with Dawn because I could be doing the most innocuous thing and she’d find a way to bitch about it. I could be in my room reading and she’d find a way to whine about how many trees were cut down to print that book. Couldn’t be friends with Stacey because every time she saw a boy she’d drop me like a hot potato. Maybe I could hang out with Mary Anne and Claudia, but I probably wouldn’t be best friends with them. I could probably be friends with Mallory since we both like to read and write. Jessi is like that person you get paired up with for a project and you’re like, “Who are you?”
Dawn says that the marriage is a little difficult on Mary Anne. After all, she’s leaving the only home she’s ever known and getting a stepmom and stepsister. Dawn and Sharon are also drastically different from Mary Anne and Richard, so it’ll be a huge adjustment. So Dawn is acknowledging that this might be tough on Mary Anne. I give her five seconds before she drops the empathy and starts complaining. I also have a moment where I just stare when Dawn says Stacey isn’t at all stuck up. You ever read something that’s such a pile of horseshit and you can’t form words to explain why that’s a pile of horseshit?
Everyone leaves. Dawn and Mary Anne were looking forward to ordering pizza and watching a horror movie. Dawn is actually going to order pizza without complaining? I guess she thinks that if she puts broccoli and spinach on it it’ll magically become healthy. And Mary Anne is going to watch a horror movie at night with only Dawn for company? The girl probably gets scared of Care Bears villains, but I’m supposed to believe she’s going to watch a scary movie when she’s home alone? I’m pretty sure she’d get to the creepy intro music and freak out. Granted, I would as well. That’s why I don’t watch horror movies.
Mary Anne and Dawn are feeling empty with their parents being gone and Mary Anne spending her last night in her old room. Her room doesn’t look the same since lots of things are packed up. That does sound a little bittersweet.
Chapter 3
Dawn and Mary Anne stay up all night because they freak out every time they hear a noise. Dawn says that she should probably like this because she likes spooky stories, but it’s different when you’re home alone. Yeah, I get comforted too when I’m out of my room at night by the fact that my parents are down the hall. I’m afraid to go into the computer room because I have a collection of porcelain dolls there and I’m scared they’ll grab me or start talking. Dawn and Mary Anne run outside to greet their parents. I’m sure Richard and Sharon would totally be able to save you from killers. Well, I like to picture Richard as a badass.
Mary Anne says that she doesn’t want to leave. I wouldn’t want to leave my home, either. It’s my home. I’ve lived here for maybe twelve years. I don’t know. I was in fifth grade when we moved and I’m twenty three now, but I don’t feel like doing the math. Even if I did get to move into a nice new house or move in with my best friend, I’d still feel sad about moving. I guess I can be a little sentimental. It’s hard to leave a place you’ve lived in for most of your life. At least it would be for me. I moved once or twice and what I disliked about it was having to get familiar with a new house. The house made strange noises, my furniture had to be arranged differently, we didn’t have enough room for all my stuff, etc.
Dawn feels guilty. I wasn’t aware Dawn was capable of feeling anything besides self-righteous bitch. She says she was really looking forward to Mary Anne moving in with her. Yeah, I always fantasized about my best friend moving to my street. She says she doesn’t have any patience for Mary Anne’s tears. Yeah, the girl is only leaving her house and moving in with new people. It’s one thing to hang out at your friend’s house a lot, but I’m sure it would be a completely different thing living with them. I bet if my best friend and I lived together we’d find out a bunch of stuff we didn’t know and find new ways to drive each other crazy.
Mary Anne is annoyed that she’ll have to put her dresser in the guest room since it’s too big to fit in their room. That is a pain in the ass. I had to move my dresser out in the living room for a few days and I kept forgetting that I had to walk to the living room to get my clothes instead of just walking a few feet to my dresser. Mary Anne is crying because she’s moving and people are sending over goodies. Somehow, Jessi doesn’t come over to complain about how that’s racist and no one sent brownies when she and her family moved in.
Dawn complains about Mary Anne being sad that all her stuff is being packed up because god forbid she show a little empathy to her best friend. Dawn just said in the last chapter Mary Anne is really sensitive and that the move will probably be hard on her. The second Mary Anne starts showing some emotions, Dawn is like, “Ugh, tears.” You’d think Dawn could be a little sympathetic since she moved, but Dawn would probably be one of those people who go, “I had it worse, so you aren’t allowed to be sad.” Dawn also said that Mary Anne became a gusher and I snicker. I guess this puts a whole new meaning behind Mary Anne being sensitive. I’m sorry.
Anyway, Dawn says that Mary Anne is being crabby. I find that rich coming from the girl who actively looks for something to complain about. I bet if I said, “I love it when it’s overcast and chilly. I don’t like warm sunny weather,” Dawn would be like, “I love warm sunny weather! My nickname is Sunshine! She’s totally insulting me!” Mary Anne just says that she can’t believe they gave their couch away. Wow, what a crabby bitch.
Dawn is like, “That couch is ugly as fuck, why would we want it?” Maybe there’s this thing called sentimental value? I keep lots of things that are old and worn down because they have sentimental value. My favorite teddy bear has a bunch of the stuffing loose and his eyes are missing and his hat is torn and he smells because my dog made him a chew toy. I also kept a bubble gum wrapper my cousin gave me as a present. She was four. Dawn would probably bitch about that. There are times where something is ugly, but there’s fond memories attached or a person you love gave it to you, so you keep it. My mom kept a shitty stocking I made. It must have been years ago when I was in kindergarten or first grade. It’s so ugly. But my mom kept it. Mom also kept the homemade cards I made her. Dawn would probably be like, “The card was so ugly. She glued pipe cleaners into a heart and some of the rhinestones were falling off. Why would she keep it?”
Mary Anne also grunts when Dawn tries to make conversation. Again I say, what a bitch. Mary Anne also hears Tigger crying and goes to get him. Dawn rolls her eyes at Mary Anne stroking Tigger and reassuring him because how dare someone show affection to her pet? I guess Dawn is mad that Mary Anne isn’t paying attention to her and saying how excited she is to be living with her. I’d live with a serial killer first as long as the serial killer was the type to just kill me quickly.
Jeff worries that Mary Anne doesn’t like them. Dawn says that she just didn’t want to move. Yeah, where was that knowledge when you were complaining that Mary Anne was moping around or crying? Oh yeah, you were too busy complaining and being offended to think that maybe Mary Anne didn’t want to move. Jeff is like, “I know what’s coming because I read spoilers and I’m getting the fuck out of dodge.”
Chapter 4
Dawn and Mary Anne are a little irritated when they arrive at the BSC meeting. Dawn tripped over Tigger and Mary Anne gave her a look. Mary Anne was grossed out by bean sprouts. She thought it was something growing and Dawn laughed. I’m shocked Dawn actually laughed instead of getting offended or making a comment that of course Mary Anne wouldn’t know what a bean sprout was because Americans didn’t eat vegetables unless they were deep fried or sitting on top of a burger. Honestly, I would have forgotten both incidents after five minutes. I can hold a grudge for a really long time, but even that’s pushing it for me.
Claudia gets out snacks. I have to wonder, how does Dawn manage to be in Claudia’s room without being constantly offended by Claudia eating junk food? Does Dawn just sit in the corner fantasizing about how she’s going to go home and drink a veggie smoothie? Does she think to herself, “The smell of all this sugar is making me sick? I can feel my teeth rotting.” I’m shocked Dawn even goes into Claudia’s room since junk food is so offensive to her. Oh wait, Kristy probably dragged her in and chained her to the bed. I did not mean that in a dirty way.
Mallory passes up the snacks and says she doesn’t feel well. Shockingly, Jessi actually shows concern for her best friend and asks what’s wrong. Yeah, but in another few books you’ll be like, “Mallory feels tired all the time. She’s clearly faking an illness so she doesn’t have to work. What a lazy bitch!” Faking an illness won’t do shit for Mallory because her parents would still make her watch her siblings, cook dinner, chop the firewood, and pick lentils out of the fireplace. Everyone is nice to Mallory. Mary Anne tells her to sit on the bed because she’ll be more comfortable and Kristy says to go home.
This is an early book. When Mallory gets mono they’ll be like, “We don’t care that even turning over is a huge effort for you-we need you to make cookies. What do you mean you feel awful and that even your spit hurts? Why are you being so selfish?” Then they see Mallory has fainted and call her a lazy slacker. And I’m sure Kristy would be calling her every day saying, “Get better! The BSC needs you! How can you be so selfish and get sick?”
Actually, I’m sure Kristy would make Mallory babysit as long as she wasn’t contagious. Dawn says that they weren’t too worried because who would be worried over Mallory? Actually it’s because Mallory biked home. Well, her parents weren’t going to pick her up, so what choice did she have? I guess maybe she could have gotten a ride. I also love how the BSC is like, “They can’t be that sick.” I think I’d be like, “Bitches, I feel like fucking crap. You say I don’t look that sick one more time and I swear I will puke on your shoes. I get a little crabby when I’m sick.” I also notice that none of them seem aware of that stage in sickness when you’re capable of moving your body, but the next day you can’t get out of bed.
Chapter 5
Mallory has chicken pox. She had it before and now she has it again. Chicken pox and mono. Maybe Mallory will wind up in a coma next. Dawn and Mary Anne are both free for a job at the Perkinses and they both want the job. Usually it’s no problem because the BSC are fine with having favorite kids, but god forbid a child have a favorite sitter. Clearly a child having a favorite sitter means they hate all the rest of the members of the BSC and this must lead to a sitter pissing contest. I was just thinking that these girls probably suck at hiding how they feel from the kids. What I mean is that I’m sure Jackie and Jenny are aware about how the BSC feel about them because I can just see them rolling their eyes when Jackie trips. If I were Jackie, my favorite sitter would be the one who doesn’t act like I tripped on purpose so I could ruin their day. If I was Jenny, I’d like the babysitter who let me read or play tea party with me.
Mary Anne and Dawn both want the job. They’re both right when they say they each have a right to the job. They narrow their eyes at each other and it’s about to go down. I can’t believe they’re getting into a fight over who gets to babysit. Before they can start fighting, Kristy bangs on the desk and yells about professionalism. I’m not sure banging on desks and shouting is considered professional. Oh, I almost forgot. Mary Anne implies Dawn is fat and Dawn is like, “Bitch did not!” Meanwhile, the entire room gasps because calling someone fat is like saying really bad curse words. I wasn’t allowed to say fart, shut up, booger, and stupid as a kid. The word fuck was a really big deal when I was a kid. Now I say fuck all the time. Just not in front of adults.
I’m shocked that Dawn doesn’t screech about how she can’t be fat because she doesn’t eat junk food. Only people who eat junk food get fat. Dawn will never get fat because she eats a healthy diet consisting of grass and dew drops. Mary Anne and Dawn are still fighting over the job and Kristy is like, “You guys are being totally childish. Just draw straws.” I have to check to see if they did that after their big fight in the fourth book. No, they didn’t. That fight came the fuck out of nowhere. I wonder why they didn’t just draw straws, then. But then the book wouldn’t have happened if someone was like, “Hey, let’s draw straw,” or said, “Next time, Kristy, can you offer the job around?”
Mary Anne wins and Dawn whines because she hasn’t whined in five minutes. The universe is clearly against her. First Mary Anne catches the bouquet and then she wins the sitting job. Those were just random acts of chance. It’s not like Lady Luck is like, “Fuck Dawn Schafer! I’m making sure she’s never winning a contest again!” Okay, I would totally do that. Dawn says having a stepsister sucks now because she doesn’t win at everything all the time. I’ve seen four year olds behave more maturely than her. I’m sure if she and Kristy ever lost a game of Candyland, they’d probably throw a huge tantrum. No, Dawn wouldn’t approve of Candyland. It’s about candy. But Dawn’s seriously going to complain because Mary Anne caught the bouquet and got the job? Move on with your life! I don’t spend my time plotting my brother’s demise when he wins a game of chance. I spend my time plotting his demise when he eats my fucking food.
Two nights later, Mary Anne comes back from the babysitting job. She tells Dawn all about it and they’re friend again. That’s how it works with my brother and I. We fight, but then maybe one of us will have a funny story to share and our fight will be over.